I always said I would leave him if he hurt me, and now that day has come

[spareroomsleeper]

Ive been on here before. Several times, seeking help and advice. Each time Ive received it. Each time, Ive lived on in denial.

Last night he grabbed me from my throat, and his fist was inches away from my face. DD (2.5) slept moments away in the next room. He pushed me out of the room and my head banged into the wall. I vomited with shock and because my throat choked from where he had grabbed me. He called me a whore continuously. I cried all night. This morning he woke up and said i want you gone by the time i come back, or I will smash your face.

I am at university here, so I cannot move from this city. Im in the process of finding accomodation from the university. If they cant do anything, I'll go to a refuge. Anywhere to get out of here.

I havnt told my mum. I lost my dad in may this year, and I just cant share it with her just yet.

I just need someone to hold my hand I suppose.
Really heartbroken and need a shoulder.

My Mum left my Dad when I was little, I suspect he was violent (he was definitely a loser, a gambler who sometimes left her with too little money to bu food, and another woman in the background).
I never consider my Mother to be a failure. I admire the fabulous way she brought me up, all the things she gave me (material and otherwise) and I had a very happy lovely childhood.
I am sure you will do just the same for your DD.

Spare Every brave woman that makes the HUGE step to get out of an abusive relationship feels exactly as you do.

We are not failures, we are not rotten, we have not let anyone down.

HE CHOSE TO ABUSE US. HE IS THE FAILURE, HE LET THE FAMILY DOWN.

YOU, on the other hand have saved your DC from a substandard life, being told they are not good enough and either growing up to be in the same situation you find yourself in, or worse, grow to be a perpetrator themselves.

In a surprisingly short time, you will start to feel relief, then you will start to feel stronger, then you will start to heal.

We are here for you every step of the way.

What Hissy said

Oh well done you, I'm so glad you're safely at your mums. Maybe later you'll feel able to have a chat,don't forget they want you to be safe and want to help you. Don't feel you have to apologise or justify your actions, you were right to leave as others have said it's HIM that broke up this marriage.

I know you have a lot to sort out today, but try & rest a bit too,be good to yourself you deserve a bit of spoiling ,let your Mum & brothers do that, it helps them to feel they're helping I'm sure.

Well done spare! You've been so so brave and the only failure here is your H. He failed as a husband and a father, and he should be fucking ashamed of himself.

Take care of yourself x

In times of trouble you have your family to support and help you. Your DD will notice this during these days and if later in life she has a problem -hopefully not too serious- she will feel safe to know that she can come to you too, just like you went to her grandmother.
You have done her proud. You could have stayed and have him talk you out of it but instead you stood up for yourself and for her.

Sorry for the slight hijack, but to everyone who thinks it's awful womens aid couldn't help the OP, will you please support the thread called womens aid in the feminism topic, we want to try an get a mumsnet campaign to support womens aid.

Just wanted to comment because of your last post, I'm sure your Dad would have been proud of you for protecting your DD and yourself, you are absolutely not a failure

Keep strong, you have done the right thing.

SO so glad to read the updates this morning and see you're safely at your mums. Your family sound so lovely and supportive - I only have a small family myself as I lost one of my parents at a young age - but its not quantity but quality that counts .

You have done the right thing and can be proud that you are being so strong for your DD.

Take one day at a time - there will be some difficult times still to come, but focus on the fact that this is the beginning of the rest of your life

You are about as far away from a failure as it's possible to be.

You have escaped, you haven't given him a chance to do it again, you haven't given him a chance to harm your dd or for her to witness his violence

You are a complete hero

Your dd will have a fab childhood with you, her granny and her uncles (aunts? cousins?)

I think you ought to notify the police so that you have a record of what happened in case he wants contact with your dd. Take photos of any visible injuries and see a doctor about your throat. It may not be the vomiting that's made it sore, he could well have injured you. Be honest with the doctor as well, the more records of his behaviour and its effect on you the better

Good luck, and well done

dear spare room you have done the right thing for you and dd.
i am glad you and dd have your mum and brother.

please get the resolve to report to police while it is still fresh, and to get eh support of their dv unit - it can be local to your mum it doesnt matter where you go to report it. .

dont have contact with ex - no texts/phones/nothing til you talked to police.

dd will be fine even if she doesnt see him for a few weeks.if he does want contact with her - tell him it will need to be arranged in a contact centre so it is safe
www.naccc.org.uk

My mum left my dad when I was eight because he was mentally abusive and was starting to become physically abusive too. I knew then she was doing the right thing, and I have always admired her for going it, as she had no family support and it was very difficult for her to do (it was back in the 70s). Anyway, she remarried very happily, and eventually I had a pretty good relationship with my dad (although I never forgave him really). I often wonder how I would have turned out had she stayed, I suspect I would have been downtrodden and frightened just like she had been. Do not ever doubt that you are doing the right thing for your child, no child should grow up in a violent home.

Well done sleeper! I'm so glad you're safe. Don't let this man make you doubt yourself. You have done nothing wrong at all. He has. Your daughter will be so proud to have such a strong mother when she's older and understands what you rescued her from.

This is a group I attend. They made a video recently, sadly events conspired to keep me from participating, but I feel that it needs to be shared.

Op I used to know a woman with 3 kids, her dh beat her and when the kids got older he beat them too, thats when she left. You should be proud you have protected your dd from this.

At least your safe now, and speaking as someone who has been to uni, they wont mind you transferring esp when they hear you have been abused.

Carry on with your course it's your and dds future.

So glad to hear your at your mum's now. Just wanted to reiterate what everyone else has said in that you are not a bad mother, this is the best thing you could ever have done. You are protecting her and being so strong for her. You should be so proud of yourself. Just take it easy and talk about it when you want to. You had a long day yesterday.

Again, this is the best thing you could have done for you and your DD. Your setting a wonderful example for her and being the best mother ever.

OP, you are a hero. You have done such a hard, painful thing. You are a fantastic mum and your little DD will thank you for this in years to come. You're protecting her and keeping her safe, just as a mother should. I left a violent ex - we had no DCs, didn't live together, weren't married, no financial ties - and it was sooooooo hard, it took me months to finally make the decision. I know how much courage it took for you to leave when you did, as so many of us on here do, and we are all rooting for you

Don't forget yourself in the process! You deserve to be healthy and happy and safe just as much as your DD does. You don't need someone like him in your life. I second what everyone else says about no family conferences - once a partner hits you and threatens you the way he did, there is no way back. When the shock fades, be prepared for an exhilirating feeling of freedom - you don't have to answer to him anymore, you can raise your DD as you wish, come and go as you please. You deserve it!

Wonderful that you got out! I was worried that your family would persuade you to stay and talk. You are so brave.

None of this is your fault. The man is a dangerous, violent abuser. You have acted as a strong and loving mother by getting yourself and your child out.

It will take a while to feel happy about it; but this really is a new beginning

Hope today went ok OP...

Today has been a very strange, surreal day.
I unpacked all of DD's toys and things first, and put up her tent (that she insisted on bringing). she's been happily playing all day.
And im just....I don't know to be honest, I don't know. My tutor called me to check up and tell me the uni is willing to be flexible. And that I don't have to come to uni for the sessions until Christmas, but it would be great if I could. I AM going to go in though, as I want to continue DD going to her fantastic nursery in our home city, plus I can't transfer the nursery as I'll have to find some alternative accommodation there come January till march so DD will need the nursery then too. (my post grad course finishes in jan and the uni said the final placement that starts in march through till June can be done in my mums home town so I can transfer her nursery come march. Does that make sense?

Chatted with my eldest brother who is very supportive and he is going to drop me and DD off at the train station and pick us up very day till Xmas even though he thinks I'm mad to be going in with DD and not leaving her at home with mum as mum suggested. The way i see it though, DD loves her preschool, it is absolutely fabulous and I will go the extra mile to give her that continuity in life when she really needs it. plus it's bloody expensive and it's paid for now and I've gone through a lot of trouble getting the childcare grant sorted etc etc- why the hell should I let her miss out on what is good in life?
And why the hell should I miss out on uni??

yes, i agree with you that it's important to keep DD's routine the same.
that'll be less upheaval for her in the long run.
:)
And i'm glad that the Uni is being flexible for you.

I mean my course finishes in June.

Then I'll be a fully qualified primary teacher !

And with a degree in psychology under my belt already, it's one step closer to my dream; my phD in educational psychology

Well done SpareRoomSleeper.

You MUST finish your course, it will set you up so well. Do you think you are in any danger from your H? I imagine he will guess where you have gone?

Do the Uni offer any sort of student legal advice? I would spend the Christmas break from Uni checking out your legal and financial positon. CAB, or a solicitor.

And come on - with a psychology degree you must know that you are not a failure, and that you will be a much better parent to your child if not living in fear and not subjecting her to seeing you living in fear.

You are brilliant!! I'm sure it's been a weird day.But you got loads sorted, how wonderful is your family?

You are right to keep DD's routine much the same-make sure the nursery are aware of the situation- it also keeps your Mum for emergency/additional babysitting as needed so she doesn't get tired out.

Qualifying in June will mean you can look for a job to start in September if you want to be earning, you'll be snapped up! Or you can go back to do more studies if you want to.

Have you been to the police station? I know it is difficult for you but it worries me that your (almost) Ex could file for custody later on & spin a yarn to the courts & win. If there is evidence of violence you have a better case for asking for supervised or no access to DD.

Hope things continue to improve for you.

Oh, SRS, your life is going to get one fuckload better if you can just get over this hump

Keep going, love, just keep going x