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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I always said I would leave him if he hurt me, and now that day has come

305 replies

spareroomsleeper · 05/12/2011 10:45

Ive been on here before. Several times, seeking help and advice. Each time Ive received it. Each time, Ive lived on in denial.

Last night he grabbed me from my throat, and his fist was inches away from my face. DD (2.5) slept moments away in the next room. He pushed me out of the room and my head banged into the wall. I vomited with shock and because my throat choked from where he had grabbed me. He called me a whore continuously. I cried all night. This morning he woke up and said i want you gone by the time i come back, or I will smash your face.

I am at university here, so I cannot move from this city. Im in the process of finding accomodation from the university. If they cant do anything, I'll go to a refuge. Anywhere to get out of here.

I havnt told my mum. I lost my dad in may this year, and I just cant share it with her just yet.

I just need someone to hold my hand I suppose.
Really heartbroken and need a shoulder.

OP posts:
LePruneDeMaTante · 06/12/2011 18:52

Very happy for you, good on you and good on your family. Nice to hear of some family support Smile all too often on here it's the opposite.
All the best.

IWantWine · 06/12/2011 18:58

I have been following your thread, I dont post often but I really want to say 'well done', you are brilliant!

You have absolutely done the right thing, of that there is no doubt.

Keep posting because you will be an inspiration to others who are in your situation. I really wish you well :)

Original poster
spareroomsleeper · 06/12/2011 19:23

I have a question: if I filed a report against him, would he have to know?

OP posts:
hackneyzoo · 06/12/2011 19:33

I have been following your thread too, and just wanted to say how strong you are, and how lucky your DD is to have a mum like you. Sorry I can't be of much practical use, but like Iwant says, I'm sure this thread will be an inspiration to others in similar situations.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2011 19:52

I don't know, SRS

Worth a call to the police non-emergency number to find out, I reckon

ednurse · 06/12/2011 20:06

Well done you!

huggiemonster · 06/12/2011 20:12

Well done. I hope I am not speaking out of turn but please, if you are taking your DD back to nursery and he knows where this that you look into some form of order that he cannot be allowed to collect her.

You have been very strong. Stay positive.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2011 20:15

Has he been in contact ?

Pozzled · 06/12/2011 20:16

I'm so glad you're out and your family are being supportive. Not sure about the police thing- can you go along to a police station and have a chat with someone? Maybe they could discuss your options?

Also, have you told the nursery the situation? I'm not sure if they can legally prevent that 'man' from picking her up, I'd get legal advice asap just in case. (Apologies if that has been mentioned, I'm sure others will know more about it).

Pozzled · 06/12/2011 20:17

x-posts with Huggiemonster.

GypsyMoth · 06/12/2011 20:20

Assume he has PR? Be careful op. As someone says, he could go get her from nursery and nothing can be done

( but if you report to police the incident, then you will gave mire leverage) police can take the complaint further if they choose.

Loobyloo1902 · 06/12/2011 21:14

My poor darling, I just want to scoop you up and give you a big hug. Keep posting as the days progress, you've had a horrid shock and I think there's a lot of us here that would like to support you and know you're safe. xx

Onemorning · 06/12/2011 21:18

OP, you are awesome!

cestlavielife · 06/12/2011 21:32

You need to report to police to get the protection you need and if you want to make sure he doesnt go and collect dd from nursery.
Ultimately yes he will know you reported because you are his victim. But you dont need to be "victim" because you can get the upper hand and be in control by reporting him and see what police say about charges.
You report.
They decide if they will go arrest him or not.
You don't need to see him during this
You do need to tell police your concerns. They can help you and carcass/sscan help you but only by reporting otherwise you and dd will be in danger.

If you do not report to police you will have nothing to go to nursery with to prevent him taking dd .

cestlavielife · 06/12/2011 21:33

Caf cass

cestlavielife · 06/12/2011 21:34

Police dv unit and legal advice
You may need some kind of injunction

HollyTwat · 06/12/2011 22:52

You have been so brave, well done, you and your dd are now safe

Please report this. A few months or years down the line you will be glad you have a proper police record of it. You will feel very differently to how you do now. It is very unlikely he is going to improve his behavior towards you, a proper police record is very important.

I'm now very glad of the times I called the police. Cafcass DO take notice of them.

randommoment · 07/12/2011 09:45

Good morning again Spare. Sounds like the light at the end of the tunnel is showing signs of starting to appear! Lots of good advice coming in all directions so I'm not going to add to it - you've got plenty to act on already. Hugs xx

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/12/2011 09:51

That's such good news that your continuing with your teaching course.

You have everything going for you, when I qualified (podiatrist not teacher) there was no work but I did agency and the wages were brilliant, every trust offered me a job.

You could start sounding out teaching agencies now to get any health checks or crb's done now. It really is worth making yourself known to them now.

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 07/12/2011 09:59

Perhaps one option could be that your Mum could look after dd just until Christmas and give you a chance to settle down and talk with nursery and police as necessary ? Or just give yourselves this week at home with Mum and go in to Uni and dd to nursery next week ( taking up your brothers excellent offer of lift to station )
Well done for taking such a brave step forwards and good luck !
Sorry too for all you've been through this week Sad

Squitten · 07/12/2011 10:51

Just to add another voice to say PLEASE, PLEASE report him to the police.

You will need a record of what he has done should he try to get nasty over access to your DD. You will regret it deeply if you need that report and don't have it.

It doesn't matter what he knows. You are safe with your family.

Akiram · 07/12/2011 11:11

Just wanted to say that I have been your child. You are no way a failure. Your children will grow up knowing decency, knowing the right way to treat someone. Most importantly they will know that it is never too late to leave a relationship that isn;t right.
I admire you and I applaud you. I wish my mum had had the same guts that you are showing right now.
Definitely report him to the police.
Wishing you all the best, I am sure that good things are coming your way.

cestlavielife · 07/12/2011 11:59

go to GP near your mums and get checked out too.

go to police - say you need to report an assualt . ask for female police if you need to.
telle verything.
they will take notes all details etc.
they will give you a "crime reference number" this is importnat. make a note of it.

they wil then decide what to do, whether to speaak to him or not.
if they do, they will call you later (maybe in a few days time) to tell you what has happened.
if he admits it he may get a caution.
if he denies it happened then they may decide to do nothing - as no witnesses (but if you have bruises etc get them recorded by A&E today or by GP - you can / should be able to visit your mum's GP as temporary patient.

BUT you will have it recorded. this is extremely important.

especially if he is going to come to you for contact with DD/contact with you/tell you he is sorry etcetc.

the fact that you have fled with your dd is some kind of evidence, though of course he could cleverly twist it to say you have just "gone home for christmas" .

take some time to relax, recover but
do report to police and
do get advice on next steps should he contact you. and
do keep one step ahead of him and be prepared for what he might do/say next eg the "i am so sorry come back to me" stuff.

SparklyCloud · 07/12/2011 13:08

have just read a whole thread now, full of admiration for you OP.
Well done. You are making it work with support fromy your family, it will work out for you :)

loopylou6 · 07/12/2011 13:34

Well done op.

Now listen. you must get the assault on record. you can go to the police and have them note it without him knowing, they will give you an incident number.

next, go to the gp, tell her what's happened and get your injuries documented, even if there's no visible marks.

It is imperative you do both these things as it will give you ammunition for whatever happens in the future, eg, custody battle, divorce etc.