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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I always said I would leave him if he hurt me, and now that day has come

305 replies

spareroomsleeper · 05/12/2011 10:45

Ive been on here before. Several times, seeking help and advice. Each time Ive received it. Each time, Ive lived on in denial.

Last night he grabbed me from my throat, and his fist was inches away from my face. DD (2.5) slept moments away in the next room. He pushed me out of the room and my head banged into the wall. I vomited with shock and because my throat choked from where he had grabbed me. He called me a whore continuously. I cried all night. This morning he woke up and said i want you gone by the time i come back, or I will smash your face.

I am at university here, so I cannot move from this city. Im in the process of finding accomodation from the university. If they cant do anything, I'll go to a refuge. Anywhere to get out of here.

I havnt told my mum. I lost my dad in may this year, and I just cant share it with her just yet.

I just need someone to hold my hand I suppose.
Really heartbroken and need a shoulder.

OP posts:
ToldYaSo · 07/12/2011 14:46

of course they will interview him if you make a complaint against him, otherwise anyone could say anything about anyone else and they wouldnt know about it or have the chance to put their side of the story.

loopylou6 · 07/12/2011 15:21

No they wouldnt if the OP doesnt want them to. They will however keep it on file.

Original poster
spareroomsleeper · 07/12/2011 15:52

I didn't manage to get to uni this morning. Sad DD woke up with conjunctivitis and I had slept at 3:30am and I just couldn't muster the strength. Plus, I think it was very lucky- if the nursery had realised later on about her eye and were unable to reach me by phone if I was in lectures, they would have rang her Dad.

However, my brother has now offered to actually drive me to uni, hang around there and drive me back until the end of next week. ...I don't know if this will actually happen as it does feel too good to be true, but they reassure me it will. My next day to be in is Friday. I can't believe how important they think it is. And I feel sad that I feel like that because I've realised I'm so accustomed to feeling so worthless and what I do to be of little value.

I'm having a down day today Sad

OP posts:
MammaBrussels · 07/12/2011 15:59

Don't be down - you have such an amazing future ahead of you now! You've done such a brave and difficult thing - you can conquer the world! xxx

HoudiniHissy · 07/12/2011 16:00

Darling, that is wonderful of your brother. What a great man he turned out to be!

It's natural that you will feel down, but work it through, understand that this will pass and that you have done the right thing. hang in there! It WILL get better!

What you do is of IMMENSE value, both to yourself and to your DD. Poor wee thing, conjunctivitis is horrid, good that you can get to be there for her.

NotJustForClassic · 07/12/2011 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loopylou6 · 07/12/2011 16:43

Yes, deffo tell nursery that dd is only to be released to you.

Onemorning · 07/12/2011 19:14

Hugs xxx

randommoment · 07/12/2011 21:50

Hi Spare, hope you're feeling a little happier than you were earlier. Are you enjoying the sensation of your self-esteem returning? I do hope so, you thoroughly deserve it. He'd been abusing you a long time hadn't he, not physically until all this blew up, but mentally. Hope you get some sleep tonight and conjunctivitis improves. xxxx

FabbyChic · 07/12/2011 22:59

So brave, well done, the future is yours to shape as you see fit, you make the rules you are in charge of you now and no one can take that away from you.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 08/12/2011 00:20

I'm simply seconding all of the advice you've had here to report his assault on you to the police for all of the reasons given by others.

When it comes to contact arrangements - as it inevitably will - getting his assault on record will be the best possible protection you can give your dd and it will certainly make him think twice about raising his hand to you again.

cestlavielife · 08/12/2011 10:38

"tell nursery that dd is only to be released to you."
without a court order or police crime reference number then nursery are in no position to impose this though they could be asked to call mother if father comes up.

until and unless op reports the assualt to police then nursery faced with dad who appears charming and nice and turns up and says "mummy has gone to visit her mother and i am to collect dd today" well they have to hand her over as he has PR. then someone might remember oh yes mother said to call her i 'd better do that - so half an hour has gone by and now it is too late he has DD and can hold her as long as he wishes because he has PR and there is nothing on record to say mother hasnt agreed this.

op if you want to make sure nursery follows your instructions you HAVE to report to police and get a crime reference number.

yes they will likely interview him but so what? he deserves to be confronted by police about what he has done.

will it make him angry?
heck yes but you can then be protected. because it is on record and you dont have to have anything to do with him - any contact requests can go thru a solicitor.

doing nothing ie not reporting it lays you and Dd open to future assaults.

ThoughtsPlease · 08/12/2011 12:42

I was going to say the same, without taking any further action the nursery cannot stop him from collecting DD .

butterflybee · 09/12/2011 07:05

Can I just add that I didn't report or get a record of my bruises because I was in shock, overwhelmed and just trying to get life going. I regret it, it would have made my life much easier in the long run.

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 09/12/2011 07:55

You are wonderfully brave :)

trulyscrumptious43 · 09/12/2011 09:21

Hello spareroomsleeper
I have just read the whole thread and have gone from tears in my eyes to a hopeful half smile.
Don't forget you are a brave and amazing woman. It takes guts to do what you did.
This thing you said:
And as pathetic as that may sound, it makes me feel very very sad. I wanted so much better for my DD. I wanted her to have a perfect, magical childhood, and now it is all ruined. Devastated.
I wanted to let you know, your DD can still have a perfect, magical childhood.
You have taken steps to make sure she is not hurt, herself or by your being hurt. Now you can remake her world to be a better place, with a happy mum - because you will be, once you have got over being tired and confused.

I was in 2 DV relationships with both DCs fathers. The best thing I ever did was leave, and clearly should have learned+done it earlier. My DCs are now big teens and we have had a great time together. I've lived on my own with them for 12 years (had other options, but chose it this way) and I can definitely say that they haven't lacked another parent, we have a lovely safe secure home where I have nurtured them (I hope!).
And I really hope the same for you too.
Well done and what an amazing brother you have (role model for future partner perhaps?!).
Hugs.

trulyscrumptious43 · 09/12/2011 09:23

Oh and I managed to get the hospital to record my bruises etc (on 4 occasions). I didn't act at the time, the police weren't involved, but when in Family Court 2 yrs later I was able to use this as evidence because I had told the doctor that the injuries were inflicted by my partner.
It really helped my case in access matters.

Original poster
spareroomsleeper · 09/12/2011 18:28

Thank you to all the lovely messages .

I'm on the train back from uni to mums. My brother did drop us off in the morning and I told him to go home rather than wait around as it would be far too difficult for him.

My friend picked us up and dropped us off at the train station.
The train was chock full. I had to stand by the stroller with DD in the entrance bit, squashed against loads of people ready for a night out, all glammed up, and happy couples holding hands.

I must have looked a sorry sight with my bobbly hat, hoody and sad eyes Sad

Anyway, the bright side was that DD slept through it all, blissfully unaware.

She had her Christmas fair at nursery too today which we attended before getting the train, but I forgot her precious teddy in my friends car Sad

Not doing fantastically well am I? Sad

She's on my lap now, and we thankfully have one more stop to go.

OP posts:
gregssausageroll · 09/12/2011 18:32

You are doing brilliant. I know it won't feel like that now but you are being very strong.

HoudiniHissy · 09/12/2011 18:58

You are doing FINE love. The teddy is not lost, he is having a sleep over and you'll get it back soon enough!

No-one will see your sad eyes love, they will see a woman on a train with a sleeping mite in a pushchair. People don't notice that much.

Remember that had you stayed in the relationship you were in, you would be even further away from being part of a happy couple than you are today. At least now you are OUT, and away from your bully. In time you will recover, in time you will move on. In time you may just meet your REAL prince.

have faith. You did the right thing. Soon you will see that.

Remember that HE did this. HE chose to be mean/cruel/vile to you. He made it impossible, not YOU.

Bossybritches22 · 09/12/2011 19:05

What gregs said!

You are doing great, babysteps towards a new life don't rush things & allow yourself time to breathe.

Have you had a chance to speak to the police or get a solicitors appointment yet?

randommoment · 10/12/2011 06:02

Good morning again Spare! Was teddy ok after his sleepover in your friend's car?

Original poster
spareroomsleeper · 10/12/2011 10:17

Morning random. He was fine and so was little mummy. Poor thing is learning to adapt fast.

we found out yesterday that my Dad died due to lack of care in hospital. Sad (I've posted it in bereavement). I kept thinking about that all night, and waking up every hour or so.

I'm absolutely shattered and just want to stay in this bed. Sad what's the point.

OP posts:
Onemorning · 10/12/2011 10:23

I'm so sorry spareroom xxxx

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 10/12/2011 11:42

dd is the point for one thing ?

Just keep going for her, as someone else said "keep on believing" in a good childhood for her, and a bright future for you both.

Sorry to hear the bad news about your Dad's care ( sounds like bad timing too to hear yesterday ?) - but just thinking though the care he received may have been less good than it should have been it may not all have been bad.

Well done for getting back into Uni already - hope you can get some rest over the weekend at your Mum's x

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