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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I always said I would leave him if he hurt me, and now that day has come

305 replies

spareroomsleeper · 05/12/2011 10:45

Ive been on here before. Several times, seeking help and advice. Each time Ive received it. Each time, Ive lived on in denial.

Last night he grabbed me from my throat, and his fist was inches away from my face. DD (2.5) slept moments away in the next room. He pushed me out of the room and my head banged into the wall. I vomited with shock and because my throat choked from where he had grabbed me. He called me a whore continuously. I cried all night. This morning he woke up and said i want you gone by the time i come back, or I will smash your face.

I am at university here, so I cannot move from this city. Im in the process of finding accomodation from the university. If they cant do anything, I'll go to a refuge. Anywhere to get out of here.

I havnt told my mum. I lost my dad in may this year, and I just cant share it with her just yet.

I just need someone to hold my hand I suppose.
Really heartbroken and need a shoulder.

OP posts:
Original poster
spareroomsleeper · 05/12/2011 11:53

I just broke down to the woman on the phone from the uni. She was really nice though, and said to take my time, and then when I explained she said she'd try her best to get something sorted for me.

I cant believe its come to all this.

OP posts:
QueenCess · 05/12/2011 11:53

Your mum will rally around you. It won't add to her suffering. You are her child. Imagine yourself as a mother in her position. It just wouldn't be a burden would it?

Re your course- you will be able to work around this so put it out of your mind. Your priority is to remove yourself and your child from harm and have it documented.

TracyK · 05/12/2011 11:54

Its Xmas hols soon - you won't be doing much at uni surely? You have a month. Even if you stay at uni till end of term - do you really think you'll get much work done with your head all over the place?
I doubt you'd have anything to lose by going to your mums.
I don't know why you're still there!?What time is your dh home?

QueenCess · 05/12/2011 11:55

Police should be your next call.

GypsyMoth · 05/12/2011 11:55

Right, well in the meantime, come on, get packing!

Don't forget chargers, photos, discs, things that mean a lot to you.... He may well trash them if you leave them to collect later

Annakin31 · 05/12/2011 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JeremyVile · 05/12/2011 11:58

If it feels like there are too many things needing to be sorted, thats because there are.

You cant solve everything right now as much as you'd like to, its impossible.

What you need to do is deal with the most immediate issues. And yes, uni is important but not as pressing as getting away, getting yourself and your dd safe. One step at a time.

As others have said, focus on today and worry about the rest later.

Snorbs · 05/12/2011 11:59

The most important thing about being able to support your DD in the future is being alive.

Your ex is a dangerous nut-job. You need to get away from him. If that means putting your university course on hold temporarily while you sort yourself out then it is very likely the university will do that. I know that the university I work at would do, and has done, exactly that.

Have you thought any more about going to the police?

izzywhizzysmincepies · 05/12/2011 11:59

As you have a dc, your local authority has a statutory obligation to provide you with accomodation. Take your dd and a suitcase to your local council housing department now.

Alternatively, go to your local police station and tell them your circumstances at which point they should make the necessary referrals for you.

QueenCess · 05/12/2011 11:59

Can you book yourself into a hotel overnight just to get out of the house? Pack up and head there as he may well come home early and try and prevent you from taking your child?

Just a thought on the practicalities.....

MistletoeAndFlump · 05/12/2011 12:02

Pack the stuff you need and can't replace - yours & DCs documents and photos & anything else small and precious to you. Then get out asap. Worry about Uni later - there will be a way for you to continue your course wherever you are. Honestly, you will be amazed at the support available once you take that step. So don't worry about the practicalities for now, just grab your stuff and get away from that flat.

MistletoeAndFlump · 05/12/2011 12:04

And PS if you don't know where to go for now, go to the local police station and tell them everything.

fridascruffs · 05/12/2011 12:04

I know someone sho had to move out of the marital home- no choice (not sure why but that's what she said), and she's ben paying rent, husband was trying to drag feet on selling house tc as he didn't want to pay her her share, then her barrister pu tin a claim for her rent for the last 2 years & more as she had had no choice butto move out and he was liable- he moved his ass pretty quickly on the sale then, he wants it sorted. this is not legal advice it's just hearsay, so you need a legal opinon, but just to flag it up- it was just this barrister that advised her to claim the rent, not her solicitor.
Good luck. Try to stick to your uni course if you can, take a deferral if you need to.

PattySimcox · 05/12/2011 12:15

No matter what I was going through in my own life, if my daughter was in your situation I would want to know and would want to help.

OP I hate to be harsh here, but, if you stay and he harms you, what will happen to your daughter then?

aswellasyou · 05/12/2011 12:18

This is awful. The university should be able to sort something out for you. I know it's not the same at all because I've not had to leave an abusive husband, but I'm a single parent to a 14 month old and at university full time 100 miles from everyone I know. It's hard, but I make sure I get all my work done during university hours while my daughter's at nursery, which means I don't have to worry about work while I'm at home.

If you choose to stay on at university, make sure you get all the money you can. There's no reason you shouldn't stay based on finances and hopefully you've almost finished the term and can spend a month looking after yourself and your child. Depending on your personal finances and whether or not you're full time, you should get the maximum loan, maintenance grant, parent's learning allowance, free council tax, housing benefit and a childcare grant (for 85% of costs up to £145ish). Also, you can apply to the university for the Access to Learning Fund and possibly a bursery too. And child support from your huband of course.

Good luck with everything. I really hope it works out well for you.

likelucklove · 05/12/2011 12:20

I can't add anything sorry but didn't want to read and run. Please pack passports, bank statements, bank cards, a change of clothes and underwear, any other identification documents you may have, DC's birth certificate. You can try to ring Shelter (if you live in England) 0808 2000 247 and tell them you have to leave. They do say to ask your council, so try to give them a ring but if no luck, ring Shelter back and tell them and they will sort something out.

I agree with telling your DM, she may be grieving but not telling her leaves you without vital support and I'm sure she would be hurt you don't tell her. Please go to the police too, they can sort out housing for you and give you a safe place. Men like this need to be put away, you can't let him get away with it. You owe it to yourself and your DC. You both deserve better.

Your university will be understanding so if you need to go away, let them know when you get there and they can sort out any essays/work at a later date. I would try ringing council and Shelter while you are waiting to hear back from your uni.

Please be safe and leave xxx

Fisharefriendsnotmincepies · 05/12/2011 12:22

Where abouts are you OP.. If I can help you I will, we have space. Pm if you want

macsaid · 05/12/2011 12:24

uni must have a welfare office, report to them and they will co-ordinate support re missed work/deadlines etc and may also be able to help with somewhere to stay

witherhills · 05/12/2011 12:25

My local council has a lovely domestic abuse unit, they are fantastic, but I know not every council has them.
Can you find a number for the council, if not, the police will have a domestic violence dept. You don't have to get himm arrested, they can help with accom etc

Blu · 05/12/2011 12:27

Please, you really should contact the Domestic Violence team from the police, right now.

If he was still violent when he woke up, and threatening you, he may well come back and attack you. he threatened you - you are under threat!

Get all the help you can and keep hold of the good things in your life - yes, finishing your course will help you. You and your child have a right to protetction, and a right not to be chased out of town.

Oh, and if you are married it is your JOINT house. Not that I would advocate confrontation about that at the moment. But legally, it is.

Did you tell the Uni Accommodation people that he threatened to smash your face?

clam · 05/12/2011 12:40

There must be someone at the University who can help, surely? I was nosying reading some of DH's emails over his shoulder last night from a couple of students who were having hard times - nothing like what you're going through - and he had a whole list of suggestions of ways he and his colleagues could support them. Personal tutor? Or even a different tutor who you feel would be receptive? It may well be possible to get some sort of deferment (sp?) so you can sort things out and then return?

LaurieFairyCake · 05/12/2011 12:45

Also, you must only have a week of term left and then you'll have a month to get sorted again - you're not going to miss anything in a week.

I wish you would report it to the police and get the incident and any bruises logged - this will help a lot if he comes after you or your daughter.

wannaBe · 05/12/2011 12:53

op -

If you don't want to tell your mum right now can you just say that you and dh have had a row and can you come and stay for a few days? Once you're there you may have more confidence to be able to open up to her.

Money - do you have a joint account? If so then it might be wise to draw out as much as you can from that and keep it in cash or go into the bank and open an account in your own right. If you have joint accounts/credit cards it will be possible for your dh to see where you are spending and track you down that way...

You absolutely must go to the police and press charges. Apart from the fact he must not be allowed to get away with this, he will at some point in the future be seeking contact with your dd, and if there are no proven reasons why, he will be granted unsupervised, overnight access. You must do this as much for your dd as for yourself.

GypsyMoth · 05/12/2011 12:54

How are you doing op?

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 05/12/2011 12:55

I hope you are packing up all your & DD's important stuff - as much as you can take anyway.

Just get out of there - everything else can be sorted out once you leave the house.

Could you afford a taxi van to pick you up and take you?

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