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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I always said I would leave him if he hurt me, and now that day has come

305 replies

spareroomsleeper · 05/12/2011 10:45

Ive been on here before. Several times, seeking help and advice. Each time Ive received it. Each time, Ive lived on in denial.

Last night he grabbed me from my throat, and his fist was inches away from my face. DD (2.5) slept moments away in the next room. He pushed me out of the room and my head banged into the wall. I vomited with shock and because my throat choked from where he had grabbed me. He called me a whore continuously. I cried all night. This morning he woke up and said i want you gone by the time i come back, or I will smash your face.

I am at university here, so I cannot move from this city. Im in the process of finding accomodation from the university. If they cant do anything, I'll go to a refuge. Anywhere to get out of here.

I havnt told my mum. I lost my dad in may this year, and I just cant share it with her just yet.

I just need someone to hold my hand I suppose.
Really heartbroken and need a shoulder.

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 05/12/2011 14:46

Talking to my contacts, apparently there is an upsurge in domestic violence at the moment. I am so sad to hear that.

Original poster
spareroomsleeper · 05/12/2011 14:58

Ive just got off the phone from mum. Her and my big brother are coming to collect us.
I didnt feel unable to call mum because i wouldnt be welcome there or space issues. I still have a bedroom at her house (with DD's cot etc put in there too now for when i go to visit).

I just know that once Im gone from here, it is the end of my marriage.

And as pathetic as that may sound, it makes me feel very very sad. I wanted so much better for my DD. I wanted her to have a perfect, magical childhood, and now it is all ruined. Devastated.

Mum was absolutely livid. She said to go and pack immediately. Which I will do now.

OP posts:
fairimum · 05/12/2011 15:01

you need to put your safety first - it is not that hard to transfer your credits to another university - possibly even to start at a new one in jan - if not easter - i have done this and it is really simple - do not let the uni issue keep you in the area! good luck xx

randommoment · 05/12/2011 15:01

So pleased to hear family are on their way. Best wishes xx

QueenCess · 05/12/2011 15:02

Well done. Can you meet them somewhere local like the Union Bar incase he gets back early?

Your sadness will soon turn to anger. You are just emotionally in shock.

nickelbabe · 05/12/2011 15:03

it's not your fault the marriage has ended - he's the one that broke the contract.

your DD's childhood will be more idyllic if she's in a safe and happy home. not worrying about her mum being beaten to death any moment now.

you have done exactly the right thing.

Onemorning · 05/12/2011 15:04

I'm glad you and your DD are going to be safe, spareroomsleeper.

Be very kind to yourself. This is a massive shock to the system, and you will grieve. I left a (most emotionally) abusive husband and I grieved for the marriage I'd wished it was.

It's not too late for your DD to have a magical childhood.

Much love to you and your family. xxx

struwelpeter · 05/12/2011 15:05

Report to the police - they can arrest him, which will buy you some time - a night in the cells for him. Get solicitor too, today, phone university too and see if they can find you a legal aid solicitor or one who will give you a free half-hour. The house is a joint asset of the marriage - you will get something from it. With the police involved you will also get access to their dv unit and possibly victim support. Then if necessary you will be able to apply for further measures to protect yourself. Hands round throat is very serious - he was attempting to kill you. Do have a look at WA site, and try phoning them again - explain the whole situation - they can give advice and although refuges may be full, there is support they can offer you.
You need to summon up as much support as you can and then slowly work out what is most helpful, what your options are. Good luck

Fisharefriendsnotmincepies · 05/12/2011 15:06

No-one is saying it is easy OP. But staying is going to make your dds future far from idyllic. You can start again. This is the first step. Be proud of yourself and take it one step at a time.

BoffinMum · 05/12/2011 15:08

Ach, my lovely, with all the wonderful, caring blokes out there you do not need to cling on to one that tries to throttle you, seriously. You can do a lot better than that.

I am delighted family has stepped in. That is the best way.

aswellasyou · 05/12/2011 15:09

sleeper, your daughter can have a wonderful childhood and you're helping to make that happen by leaving her violent father. This will be better for her. There is no reason why you can't have a happy life together, I certainly have a happy life with just my daughter.

I'm so glad your Mum and brother are coming to get you and that she's so angry as you'd expect from a loving mother.

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 05/12/2011 15:10

I'm so relieved to hear that your Mum and big brother are on their way.

Agree with onemorning - it's not too late for dd to have a great childhood. This is a very important step towards making that a reality for her.

You've done so well getting this far today.

It will be OK.

Annakin31 · 05/12/2011 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirSugar · 05/12/2011 15:12

definately get onto police and well done x

Original poster
spareroomsleeper · 05/12/2011 15:12

She said we're going to sit him down and talk to him, my brother and my mum. She said we're not going to brush this under the carpet. Its going to all be talked about in the open. I am dreading it so badly. Why do they want to talk to him when I dont even want to live with him anymore?

I miss my Dad so, so much right now. Sad

OP posts:
Annakin31 · 05/12/2011 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fisharefriendsnotmincepies · 05/12/2011 15:15

What????? Tell her you want her to get you out of there not have a family conference Confused

nickelbabe · 05/12/2011 15:17

i agree - yo uneed to be safe and settled.

and all communication in the open should be done by solicitor's letter.
please don't let her mum convince you to do this family conference thing.

Have you told her how bad it is?
make sure you do until it's all out in the open with her, and then talk about the next step.

BoffinMum · 05/12/2011 15:22

Yup, I really don't think he is going to go along with that in any helpful way. The man just tried to throttle the mother of his child. Just go to your mum's and then see a solicitor.

LovesBloominChristmas · 05/12/2011 15:26

Op you need to get out now and do not let your mother and brother enter into conversation about this.

QueenCess · 05/12/2011 15:27

Bad idea on the meeting front. Tell your Mum you are distraught over what happened and need to leave because you fear for your safety. Then GET OUT and have them collect you from elsewhere.

likelucklove · 05/12/2011 15:29

You should not see him, at least for a while. There is no way this can be talked through because he has hurt you and threatened you. That can be done on the future through mediation if you and DD wish to. Just get essentials, your DD and get out. This is the best thing you can do for the both of you.

You are not a failure because your marriage did not work. He is a failure for doing this in the first place and is a sorry excuse for a man. You and DD deserve better.

You are so strong and brave to do this and are setting a wonderful example for your daughter xxx

HoudiniHissy · 05/12/2011 15:29

Get out. Glad your mum and brother are helping.

DON'T SIT HIM DOWN AND GIVE HIM A TALKING TO. It won't help. Ever.

Call the police and get it reported, this will help you in HUMONGOUS ways when it comes to potential residency/occupation orders, restricting contact and insisting on supervised access.

If you don't get this stuff on record, it will be assumed that he is a normal guy. You will be told to go to mediation BAD BAD BAD MOVE. You may even have to suffer joint custody. You may be able to get BACK INTO your home and have HIM forced to leave it and even stay away from it, but not unless you report this. You have to get this on record. People can't help you if you cover up for him.

Your only weapon to help defend yourself is the truth here.

Even if you are in a hostel for a short while, you will be safe there and it won't be forever. People there will be trained to help you, will help you with forms, will understand your fears and situation, and you will be among friends.

Don't let this situation go on for another single day. For your DC, for your kids.

We are all here for you, you let us know if and how we can help. Keep posting, keep strong.

PatriciaHolm · 05/12/2011 15:37

No No No NO NO.

NO talking. It won't help and worse case scenario; he persuades you to stay and heaven knows what happens to you and DD when your Mum and Brother leave. This is NOT time for dicussion.

I'm guessing your Mum has no idea how bad it's been. You need to tell her, as soon as she arrives. You and DD are in a potentially LIFE THREATENING situation and you need to get out immediately. Can you go now and meet them somewhere on the way so you are OUT?

PatriciaHolm · 05/12/2011 15:37

Actually - go to nearest Police Station, make a report, and get Mum to pick you up there.

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