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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The Owl Man goeth - Owelefs, come to my nest, bring wine

177 replies

ParsleyTheLioness · 05/11/2011 09:40

Well,he went about a week ago...other thread on here. Apparently his online dating habit commenced when me and dd wouldn't go owl watching with him one night....We are seeing him this morning at Mac's. He texted me to say he's moving into 'a room' (cue for sympathy, no?). I text back to say does he want the spare kettle (I am already taking him the travel iron). No response for 24 hrs, so I text again, saying, well, does he want the kettle? Get a text back, as if to a stranger who is harassing him, saying no thank you, and see you at X (in other words, I shall speak to you no more, or should that be Hoot No More, until then). I am hurt and fecked off.

Tell me not to text unless it is absolutely necessary.

OP posts:
RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 04/12/2011 21:36

Parsley you might be able to download a driver from somewhere?

I've been holed up in my room, working on financial settlement possibilites.

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 04/12/2011 22:02

Ok, never thought I could do that. Thanks. Financial settlements....deep joy, huh? Sympathies...

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RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 04/12/2011 22:06

Luckily I like Excel!

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 04/12/2011 22:14

Tis all horrid though, that it comes down to this. Not that I would be screwed financially though.

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Thumbwitch · 04/12/2011 22:34

It is horrid, you're right - but it will be easier when it's all over and done. Hope you've managed to download a printer driver - your computer should be able to search for one for you as well.

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 04/12/2011 22:48

I am old Thumb and a bit of a technophobe....but I will manage, as I have managed before....

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RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 05/12/2011 00:23

Parsley, as I believe that in my case long term financial abuse has taken place, I am having to be very thorough and go back a decade (ulp!) to get the figures. I learned about light bulbs today. stbx taught me. He is doing more housework as the house may have to be valued.

RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 05/12/2011 00:24

And changed one on my own - I always used to break them when I tried in the old days, even before I met OH!

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 05/12/2011 01:54

Ok...is he living there still?

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RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 05/12/2011 11:08

yes, he has no income to speak of, so cannot move out. and his collectables business is here - he works from home and sells on ebay.

but it is what I am used to anyway!

Thumbwitch · 05/12/2011 11:53

I am old too Parsley but not that much of a technophobe - I need to keep up because everyone around me is a technophobe! If I were one too, we'd all be in the poo! Xmas Grin

Hope you're feeling better today :)

Rudolph - that's rough Xmas Sad

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 05/12/2011 13:59

Ah is feeling sorry for himself today. Its his birthday, and I texted him about half hour before she went to school to say ring her on the landline. I can put it on speakerphone then and monitor for mindgames. He rang about an hour later, when obviously she had gone to school. No matter, he can speak to her after school. He has already had his undeserved present from her. Now saying he 'wants to spend some time with me'...wtf? And from sending a sarky text about the printer, is now bending over backwards offering suggestions by text.Does he seriously think we can just go back to where we were? More mind games? Maybe I preferred it when he was just doing pa owl impressions....

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Thumbwitch · 06/12/2011 08:52

Hmm. Well you could either look at it from the kind point of view, which is that he is a lonely sadsack who is regretting the family breakup and being on his own on his birthday (still all mememe though);
OR you could look at it that he is giving confusing messages all the time to keep you on the hop so you never know where you stand.

Hard to tell - and neither option is actually any use to you - one is just sad and selfish and the other is manipulative and evil. Either way, he's still an AH and a loser. :(

Hope you didn't wish him Happy Birthday... [evil]

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 06/12/2011 11:47

I didn't (on purpose emoticon)!

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Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 07/12/2011 22:27

So angry with ah... dd has been involved in a fight today at school. Most unlike her. She is angry, and most of it is directed at ah. Appointment with school counsellor is pending. So angry that he has set in course a chain of events, and it is so hard, and damaging to dd and I.

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izzywhizzysmincepies · 08/12/2011 00:32

O Parsley, your poor dd. Give her a big cuddle and quietly tell her that even when we know that lashing out at others is wrong, it can be very hard to always be in control of our feelings.

And then find some leftover millinery scraps and show her how to make little pincushion dolls Grin

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 08/12/2011 02:31

Hope that counselling appt is coming soon - in the meantime, perhaps there is a kickboxing (or even just boxing) class she could join, somewhere she can take out her anger in a safe environment. If she can work out her aggression in controlled conditions she's less likely to overboil and lash out. Was she being taunted or was it not related to your family situation, has she said?

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 08/12/2011 08:06

Some clowning around that got out of hand. Other kid asked her to stop doing it and it escalated. She does kung fu, probably helps. We have had a long talk about it. She had felt that if she had not told me about ah involving her, it would have been ok. I have told her that would not be the case, as I knew about the online dating, and this was just part of a long line of stuff that was unacceptable.

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fiventhree · 08/12/2011 11:51

Just keep talking to her Parsley. It will get better. Hope you are OK

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 08/12/2011 16:45

Finding it hard five, but know I will survive. Tis all a bit at the mo tho. You ok?

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fiventhree · 08/12/2011 17:00

Im great, with very occasional bouts of pain over the internet issue. We are doing very well, and he has been exemplary.

You will survive, you are doing great.

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 08/12/2011 18:06

Thank you five. (Puffs out not inconsiderable bosom....).

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Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 08/12/2011 23:41

Is hard though...it is tough coming to terms you have loved such a tosser...particularly when you have already been married to a tosser previously.

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Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 09/12/2011 00:01

Parsley - you wouldn't be trying to blame yourself in any way for this situation, would you? Let's face it, MOST men don't show their full tosserishness when you're getting to know them. MOST of them understand that the rules of "courtship" involve putting on a good show - and MOST of them keep it going for a while. So it's entirely understandable that women fall for this. You'd need to be clairvoyant/psychic to know that they are, underneath it all, a fully qualified tosser, if they choose not to show it until you're married, and often well married.

Since I doubt very much that AH showed his full tosser credentials at the start, or even in the first part of your marriage, then how could you have known?

I was quite shocked when my fiancé left me how few of my friends actually liked him (make that about 2). I had been left out of things for years because of him and never realised! I felt a bit stupid too - but he wasn't really ever that tosserish to me (up until he fucked off with a secretary from work of course) - and then I wondered why nobody had told me they all thought he was a pretentious twat - and then realised that of course I wouldn't have listened!

Remember as well - there is a lot of truth to the saying "love is blind"... sometimes that works for the good, sometimes less so.

Anyway - the past is past - what matters now is the present and the future - he can go on being an AH for as long as he likes but you don't have to be affected by it so much any more. Xmas Grin

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 09/12/2011 19:25

Thanks thumb, trouble is I have to see him at the moment for dd....do not want this to go on long-term, need to look at alternatives I think. As I hissed at him in the car park today, "I will never forgive you for what you have done to our family". Will start to feel better soon hopefully.

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