Hello, can I join you all?
I have had a bit of a read through and identify with so many stories on here, especially the posts by Raspberrymilkshake
My parents, in particular my mother, were very emotionally abusive to me as a child, and still are now really even though I'm mid 30s and after counselling I now see it as their problem and not my fault, but I still have this sense of fear about them that I can't explain. For me after a series of recent events it is getting to the stage where I am considering cutting them from my life totally, and in any case will be withdrawing a lot of contact with them. I feel they are trying to do to my DCs what they did to me. When I've tried to tackle them my mum just starts crying and saying it's all me and that I was always jealous, and didn't fit in with the family and turns it round on being an injury to her. I remember once joking about a haircut i had in the 1970s aged 4 and she went beserk at me, saying well at least she kept me neat and tidy. She is so uptight and cannot take a joke or have fun about anything. She also has always tried to constantly blame me for anything. As a child if she did anything to me it would be because I made her do it. She had a go at me for no reason a few years ago and DH stuck up for me and she swore at him. He said not to swear at him and she went all sweet and said "Sorry, but she has driven me to this, surely even you can see that"
Growing up, my mum favoured my sister over me and I was basically the black sheep of the family (still am). I wasn't a naughty child, I didn't dare be naughty but my mum portrayed me to family members as being naughty and awful. Sometimes when we were with family members she would start crying and getting hysterical saying it was because I was such an awful child. If she talks about my childhood she refers to me as being difficult. Difficult because she decided I was, obviously. I was constantly told I was horrible, mean, evil, that I had to change. From the age of 12 I was repeatedly thrown out of the house, then they started saying I could F* off and move out and live in the streets as they didn't want me. My teenage years were hell, with me creeping around the house, not knowing what mood my parents would be in. 9 times out of 10 I would be in trouble about something, even though I hadn't done anything wrong as again I didn't dare do anything wrong! None of the "normal" teenage behaviour from me as I was too frightened! My mum said several times that if she could kill me and get away with it, she would!
My sister was always favoured by my mum and even now she speaks to me with an air of superiority and doesn't hesitate to side with my mum. If all 3 of us are together my sister snaps at me and they totally leave me out. My mum has also started the leaving out tactic with me when she's with me and my family. She will be all loving and nice to my children and nice to my husband but if I say anything she doesn't want to know and looks at me like she's scraped me off her shoe. She wants to leave me out constantly. My self esteem was understandably at rock bottom before I had counselling, and even now I struggle in social situations and have a huge fear of getting left out or ignored. I know this is all linked to my self esteem.
And like raspberrymilkshake said, I was never taught how to enjoy anything as I was never allowed to enjoy anything. Everything would involve a telling off or a dirty look or being told not to do anything. I was told i was too loud, talked too much, too quiet, embarrassing, ugly, disappointing. A favourite saying of my mum, loudly, to my dad was "Makes you wonder where you've gone wrong doesn't it" whilst looking at me. I was also regularly called horrible names such as a bitch, slag, slut, as a teenager, all for no reason.
I am proud to say that I have totally broken the pattern as a parent and my 3 children all seem to be very balanced, well-adjusted and have high self esteem. My eldest is a teenager and can see what my mum in particular is like, and says when she and the other two go round there, I am often slagged off or moaned about. As a result she no longer goes round there as she doesn't like it.
Anyway, this has turned out longer than I planned, but I really look forward to chatting with you all and it's good to know I'm not alone! x