"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

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It's November 2011, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Hi just read last few posts - Can relate to the 'death by a thousand cuts'. My mother always dismiss her insults as jokes, or when with dsis as just trying to be helpful.

No I had no physical contact (apart from a good slap around the face) from my mother either. I always hug my kids ALL THE TIME...and tell them how much I love them.

Feel quite low today and I have not felt like this in a long while.
Mother trying to guilt me into contacting her. Im not giving in but I cant help of feel depressed about it, I think perhaps I am battling with guilt or FOG. Why have I brought this crap back into my life?. And yes of course I feel guilt, she has been broken into, she has lost all her personal possessions.BUT, after years of her trying to get me to mother her, or abusing me or abandoning me emotionally why should I give into her wanting me to pick up the pieces again?
Sorry if this offends but I just realised this am why I dont like cats. Its because they remind me of my mother. They bug the hell out of you when they want something but when they dont they flounce or bite or scratch you. That's my mother to a T.

sorry about typos.

Smithfield...do not feel guilty, you owe her nothing.

Now go and do something that makes you feel good...whatever that is, music, friends, a new dress..whatever....I totally get it. There is also I think, a sense of relief of having got through the holiday nearly, what an effort! I imagine that, like me, most Stately homers are exhausted, just by that!

Hi Smithfield,
Sorry you are down...do you have a detox routine?
You are not responsible for your mom. She has damaged you so much, she is not entitled to your support for anything anymore.

Rx:
Borrow Grace's Magic Blue Shield to deflect her and any thoughts or feelings connected to her. (Hi Grace!)
And by all means, make it crystal clear to your counselor that contact was a BIG mistake.

I had a bit of a wobble over middle sister. She announced she had breast cancer in July. Very early detection, not the inherited kind, but she felt obligated to tell me anyway. I think I made one or two posts about it in Aug/Sept.

A brief aside, MSis's long time (out of town )(but still close?) friend from uni called her up in Sept to invite her to a party that she was celebrating being free of breast cancer. Coincidence. MSis finds out her friend's was early detected also and needed 36 days of radiation treatment...where upon MSis declares that hers only needs 18 days of radiation.

Just another validation for me...using breast cancer to get a 'one-up' on her friend!

At the time I asked if there was anything she wanted me to do for her (choke)...she thankfully said no. (breathe) Oldest Sister, being a nurse, went to tend to her for her procedure (lump) after much rudeness over scheduling-non communication. Older Sis said she was going for her own sense of obligation, not necessairly for MSis, iykwim.

I felt FOG for being so standoffish in "her time of need"... but I got over it.
Sort of. I would not have been welcome there.

Thanksgiving (Nov 24) she calls "to make sure she wishes me a Happy Thanksgiving"...very brief interview on "how is everyone" and promptly ends the call (42 sec)...very evident she has no wish to talk to me at all. Then why call? Fine, 42 seconds, could have been worse. Ha-laugh at myself sometimes.

So Christmas gifts...good grief, I know, I know...one day I'll get to the place to send nothing....
I sent a lovely card mid Dec and then I sent a box of Florida oranges($20). We have happy memories of fresh Florida oranges from visits to GM's house there when we were little. And that was all (improvement ).
She sent gift cards for everyone-$50 each teen (2), $25 little one, and $50 grocery gift card for dh & I.

So she spent 4+ times as much as I and that made me feel guilty/shame. For a couple of days.

A bubble diagram:

1. I chose to send her a gift.
2. I chose what I wanted to give her, and did that.
3. She chose what she wanted to give us, and did that. End.

I know that the parity of gift giving is a sensitive topic-saw a thread recently...but with (suspected-not diagonosing) NPD persons, gifts are a quagmire of manipulation-and-implied contracts. Normal mechanics of the transaction do not apply. That is where I am with it presently. The world has not imploded. I sent an obligated 2 line thank you note yesterday.

My bd is in Jan...maybe she'll make the leap to go no gifts!? Here's hoping.

Sorry for the epic post!

I'm not coping with life, therapy makes me feel low, i do not want to do things for myself, house is squalor, son needs care i have to put DS infront of me, out of duty put self last, even cat, rbbit goldfish come before me

Not coping

Eating even tiny amounts of junk food/sugar/fatty foods makes me feel worst.

Going to change my username.

Feel like something controls me sometimes, maybe my shit fuck cunt head of a father's vile words sitting on my shoulders

SO ANGRY CANNOT GET IT OUT

AGHHHH GRRR

FUCK

FUCK

Hi GoingforGoalWeight,
I'm sorry you are having such a frustrating struggle.
I know what you mean about being 'last' as if I'm not even on my own list.
Your severely disabled son must be overwhelming to care for 24/7/365. You sound completely burned out. You need some relief. Is there any way you can get a break?

Do you have a mental sanctuary to retreat to? Like a hobby or exercise or a walk?

RaspMshake and Smithfield-I too can not remember being hugged by mother. But after her death (I was 18 in 1980) we got a lot more hugs from father. I hug my kids tons too, until they push me away and say 'no don't hug me' -teens but I will respect that.

Oh yes, I hug my kids a LOT, for that very reason.
Hoping other stately homers will get this because most other people so wouldn't. Text from my mum this evening 'happy new year and btw had to get the dog put down on Thurs'. I mean seriously, is new years eve really the time to announce that? Could it not have waited til tomorrow or monday? In NJ so still have a couple of hours to go before midnight.
That was shitty of her, wasn't it?

i too hug my son a lot. Kiss his face lots too. Always praising as he is totally harmless and smiles a lot. I'm fiercly protective too grr

Sorry if seem selfish not much help to anyone right now on here xx

Hi fridakahlo-I'm in VA-Happy New Year in 28 min.

I just got back from picking up dd1 from the downtown shindig...she was smart enough to get outa there before the awkward midnight 'gota kiss someone' moment...

GoingforGoalWeight-you definitely are not a selfish person-and I don't even know you!

Just talking helps me...so there you go!

yes...my dc's get mega hugs, because my parents never hugged me. Mother hugged goldenchild sister a lot, but never me. Cow.

I have turned it into a game with my teenage ds. DD and I become huggy monsters and walk like zombies towards him saying "huggy" repeatedly in a robot voice. He laughs, he knows he's "hugged" without the horror of a PDA! and from his mother! AAAGGGHHH

Hi Thanks tmsb and singingprincess for your posts. It helps so much to be validated. I guess my brain feels somehow it's illogical to not want to go to my own mother's aid. Had we had a normal healthy relationship that is precisely what I would do.
My mother makes me shudder with her supreme willingness to dump on me regardless of the time, event...christmas, weddings, births....
I feel stronger for standing up to her this time depsite the mental and emotional energy it has clearly taken.
I did not call or reply to her texts and as you guys suggested I went out and did something I love and then went for a lovely walk with my family. The following morning I text to say I was away (lie but hey she tells enough of em) and that I was glad bro was on hand to help and Happy New Year.
I will not dance to her tune any more. I feel liberated, as though I have slayed some huge mental dragon. Still it is only one battle and I'm not convinced yet I will win the war.
I think I have realised from this recent episode how invisible I have been all of my life. My mother's needs have dominated everything about me.

goingforgoal You sound like you have a hell of a lot to deal with! This is one place you can come and offload so don't feel guilty. Please don't be hard on yourself, if you do then it is as though you are carrying the baton from your parents iyswim.

Sorry for not doing any other replies but I have read all of the recent one's. I am always amazed by how many of us there are in the same boat. It makes me feel less alone especially at this time of year.

Happy new Year and lets hope we all travel from Victim to Victorious in 2012.

Hello everyone,

I've wanted to join this thread for ages (it's been suggested to me after numerous threads I started about my mum) but didn't for some reason or another. Mainly because I'm not sure how to summarise my situation without it turning into an epic post and I really don't want to bore people with that.
Everyone on here already seems to know each other so well. Is there a certain way in which new people start telling their story or do I just say whatever comes into my head?

I will be a mum myself next month, so I really feel like I have to get on top of my issues and think of some strategies for how to handle my toxic mother in the future.

TheresASpareChairOverThere,
Sorry for the belated reply to your frustration to having to keep things positive.

I find this too, especially from ils. I say so little anyway...then a little peep out of me and I get the dismissiveness (shut the f up) so why speak.
I married the golden child so no falult could ever be associated with him...and I suppose I should have known not to bring up any to them...learned quickly though.

My "superior" (personality disordered -not that I'm not) middle sister will judge and analyze anything negative I say to manufacture where I went wrong in the circumstance to make it negative. It just isn't safe to say anything to her beyond the very superficial.

It was my 'up' to call middle sister over Christmas and I did not. I didn't want to talk to her so I didn't. How's that for progress? I claim a small VICTORY for 2012!

Hi MrsHuxtable,
Just jump in...I know it seems intimidating when you (not just you but anyone) are ready to bare your soul. Don't worry about epic posts, either. These circumstances are complicated and take a while to explain...we get that.

Having been on Stately Homes for a few years now we do get to know each other...but folks do come and go and at times we find we need to take a break from it and disappear for a while. The healing is a journey (a long one) so popping back in for reminders and some maintenance is where you might see familiarity amongst a few of us.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! People say the hormones make us bonkers, but for me, it was like a sudden view of clarity of truth...and that began my journey 4.5 years ago.

Smithfield, toast to you! (i'm non-alcoholic) High five (normally hate those, but sometimes it is just the thing) and end zone victory dance.

That was great to hear, and I am really happy for you.

You are strong. Overcoming the brainwashing and thinking with your intelligent brain : you exist. It feels good, doesn't it? (!) {}

As for the war, I know what you mean. I think that all I can hope for is to get through a day at a time with constant attention to it (the legacies of dysfunction), on guard. I don't think I can ever breeze through life 'normal' without it jumping up to slap me in the face at the least expected moment. That is depressing, but I am confident that I can do this day and prepare for the events that I know about.

Thanks Toomanystuffedbears for the welcome,
I have started reading through the old threads, it's all a little daunting. I'll just jump in here for now and will try to explain what I feel my mum has been doing wrong. Hopefully writing it down will help me see things more clearly and maybe some people on here can tell me what they think.

I parents split when I was 1 year old and my mum never had another partner after that, so it was always just her and me with her working full-time and me spending my days at my lovely grandparents house. She has said on many occasions that the reason she never had another relationship was because I was such a horrid child. In fact, ever since I was little she has told me that I was difficult, unstable and had all my dad's bad character traits. I cannot remember her ever saying something positive about me. We had a social worker neighbour who worked in some sort of home for troubled teenagers and she always told me that I needed to go to a special school like that. Thinking back, I didn't actually do anything that warranted such a label. Yes, there was always shouting and screaming in our house but she was usually the one who started it, coming home stressed from work etc. She was also hitting me, spitting at me and on one occasion hitting me with the hoover pipe. When I got to a certain age, I started to hit back which then gave her the excuse to tell me and other people that I was abusing her.

I remember being so scared of her, that when she went on one of her rampages, I would hide in my room and baricading my door so she couldn't get to me. Quite often she would get so angry that she just left with the car and locked my into my room. All this happened before I was a teenager btw. I didn't have anyone to turn to as she always spread the idea of me being a horrible child and poor her not knowing how to deal with me. I can't have been that bad because noone else ever complained. I was well liked by other children and school, had no problems etc.

My teenage years were different. Not so much physical abuse as I could defend myself or just leave but she damaged me in a different way. I started going out with my first serious bf at 16 and she totally couldn't handle that. I was called a whore, a slut, she called him a pimp, he wasn't allowed at our house and she would ask me if I enjoyed "fucking" him when we were together for a week and our relationship was nowhere near that stage. When all my friends got to the stage later where long-term bfs were allowed to stay over night, he still wasn't accepted as "if I don't have a man, you sure as well don't get to have one".
At one point, she phoned up my bf's mum and told her that she didn't approve of me having a bf and that I should not be allowed into their house. I was hardly at home anymore, after school I went to my babysitting job, then to bf's house and then home.

She continued of course with telling me I had a bad character etc. She also made up bad stuff that teachers supposedly said about me at parents evenings, which turned out not to be true btw.

I'll post this bit quickly, worried I'll delete it and will have a quick think before I finish my ost.

So then I moved out to go to uni and contact was mostly by phone. I don't remeber any significant events from that time, thoughs he didn't stop being horrible as all my uni friends were aware of the weird things my mum was saying and doing.

My third year of uni, I spent abroad here in the UK where I met my lovely DH. I went back to my old uni for a couple of more semesters and then decided to permanently move here to be with DH (bf at the time). She had a massive tantrum about that and told me and everyone who would listen that I would end up in the gutter, as I would move to the UK, get married, have loads of babies, not work, DH would leave me. I then would have to go back to Germany but because I had never paid into the system, I wouldn't get any benefits and would be homeless with my 7 children.
After living together a while, DH and I got engaged. I dreaded telling her and as expected her only comment was "At least you didn't get engaged at Christmas as X-Mas engagements don't last". She then kept being really negative throughout the whole planning process, telling me DH and I should just get married somewhere the 2 of us, without any guests. We proceeded with the "big" wedding plans but I realised that i couldn't go through with it as I could not bear to be married in front of my mother. I generally have enormous problems showing emotion in front of my mum, I can't be nice to DH in front of her and saying my wedding vows with her there terrified me so much, I ended up cancelling the whole wedding. In the end, we got married on the original date but with only 7 guests (our best friends and my 3 half-sisters).

Somewhere during my relationship with Dh, she lost her hatred for him ("All men cheat and use prostitutes "etc) and moved on to loving him and I'm not good enough for him "The worst women always get the best men!". She constantly keeps talking about "poor poor MrHuxtable" and pities him for having to put up with me as I still have my dad's bad character of course.

The wedding was in June 2011 and a couple of days before we found out I was pregnant. She already talks about "poor poor BabyHuxtable" now whenever she can.

In the last few years, I have suffered from bad mental health problems including severe depression, which eventually lead to me not finishing my degree. Of course that just proves that I'm a total failure and has now set me up for a life of...well, I'm not sure what, but she brings it up at any chance she gets, comparing me to children of people she knows who have completed their degrees.

Anyway, the last 2 times I saw my mum were proper light-bulb moments. Ob both occasions I dared to speak up for myself which lead to her going into complete meltdowns.
The first occasion was last summer, just after the wedding. I was spending some time in Germany and during a "normal" row, she said I should keep my voice down as the neeighbours could hear and I had always been like that, that even when I was little the people above us told her, they knew she was abusing me as they could hear the shouting. I answered that they were right and that the reason I was screaming so loudly was because she was beating the shit out of me. I don't remember the rest but it ended with her sobbing hysteriaclly and accusing me of being cruel to her.

The second occasion was when she came over to visit me in October. She accused me again of being horribly spoilt as a child and I replied that she could hardly claim that as I suffered x, y, z abuse. First she denied any of it happening, saying I was remembering it wrong. Then she admitted to doing the things I described at the start of my post but said that I deserved all the bad things that happened because I was born horrible and no parent could have put up with me. She then started the sobbing thing again and putting herself into the victim role.
During that stay, she behaved in loads of other inappropriate ways, I started a massive thread about it at the time but the thing that everyone on Mnet seems to remember is that she took the hot water bottle away from my dying cat because she wanted it for herself.

MrsH your mother sounds loathsome. Have you cut contact with her now? Did you ever see your father or have any type of relationship with him?

She is also the mum who kept walking about in her underpants in front of my Dh and was not sticking to any sort of boundaries whatsoever.

After she left, I didn't talk to her weeks and we have only spoken on the phone a couple of times since. On the first occasion, she told me how horrible the name was we chose for DD (because it's aname from my dad's family side) and came up with really rubbish hurtful reasons why it was such a shit name. I don't know why she though it was open for discussion as we had settled on this names months ago.

The second phone call was only a couple of days ago. She managed to be nice for 2 minutes before she started the criticism and when I dared to point out to her that and why she was upsetting me, she started the sobbing again, accusing me of being cruel to her etc. I was so upset afterwards. Its always the same pattern. She is horrible to me, I make her aware of it and then she turns it around on me, starts crying and I feel guilty about it.

I'm sorry if this is all a bit of an incoherent rant. I'll probably think later that i could have explained this all a lot better, it's just what came into my head right now and I have most likely forgotten the most important things. So anyway, my issues with her are:

1. The fact that she told me all my life I had a bad character (and made other people believe the same). How destructive is that?
2. The fact that I have some weird problems about my own sexuality (showing emotion, getting married in front of her, being pregnant and a mum in front of her) which I now think was caused by her making me feel dirty and bad for having a bf at 16 (some posters on here suggested this might be the reason).
3. The fact that she is still so bitter about her divorce, which means she can't accept I have a good relationship with my half sisters and my dad and constantly works on destroying that.
4. The fact she always makes me feel like a failure, tells me I'm negative and mentally ill. She cannot have a normal conversation with me without having her diggs and making me feel like shit.

THE WORST BIT: She keeps telling me how I have no right to complain about my childhood because I always had everything, she took me on holidays blabla and her favourite stock phrase is "I was a good mother, I always worked". Whenever I bring up the abuse, she starts sobbing that one sentence, shaking her head. I'm not allowed to say anything because she always worked. Apparently that gave her the right to be a destructive parent in all othe other ways.

Then of course there's the guilt. I'm her only child, she has no partner and no friends that stick around. She doesn't get on with anyone so is desperatly lonely. So when I then make her cry as well, I start to doubt myself because there were happy childhood moments too. It's just that on the whole she has damaged me so much and is still doing it iyswim.
I feel responsible for her but she's so unwilling to reflect on any of her past or current behaviour that there really isn't much I can do.

Have just realised that my mother is incredibly narcissistic, talk about an 'aha' moment and find it incredible that the penny hasn't dropped before - I am 48 which is hard for me to believe, as emotionally I think I am about 13 (not something to boast about I know!) My father was an alcoholic, he died from cirrhosis of the liver 9 years ago and as a child and even more so as a teenager I knew far too much about their relationship. He was physically abusive to my mother on occasion and emotionally vile to her and she would confide in me and then later on when I had left home would come and stay with me and dump all her problems on me. I think I have suffered from depression from about the age of 8 or 9 but it wasn't clinically diagnosed until I was 26 after a particularly traumatic event. I have been taking anti-depressants on and off ever since then but have just weaned myself off the latest ones and although I am terrified of lapsing back into depression I think that the fact that I have not been in contact with her for months has helped me a lot. The awful thing is in many ways she has been incredibly generous towards me - paying for me to go on holiday with her and so on, so I feel guilty that I don't want to talk to her. Also, I know her friends judge me and think I am a terrible daughter for cutting myself off from her but I just couldn't take the remarks "You have to get over your love affair with food" marching into the bedroom when I was staying with her saying "Time to get up" and worst of all "You made me tell you about the problems with your father" that last one makes me want to be sick and shake with rage.

Frida, ( I love your name btw, it's what our DD will be called!) I feel so bad about my dad. When I was growing up, I saw him every few weeks because I didn't like his new wife, the mother of my half-sisters. When he divorced her as well, or rather she divored him, we became closer, going on holidays together and when I go back home to visit now, I usually stay with him. The thing I regret is that I was always very negative towards him as my mum always blamed the relationship breakdown on him and told me how he didn't want me, wanted her to have an abortion etc. I believed her of course and only learned in the past summer from my half-sisters mum how things really went down. I feel horrible now and wish I could say sorry to him for things I have said but I don't know how.

As far as my mum is concerned, I've decided not to talk to her or to keep it to a minimum as long as I'm pregnant as it just stresses me out so much. The last 2 times I got horrible Braxton Hicks that were really painful.

Sorry, how rude, I realise I just jumped in and started banging on about myself without any introduction or anything, I think it is because I have just made this huge discovery about my relationship with my family because of course we are all involved and I am desperate to talk to someone who understands.

Mrs H

Was wondering the same as fridakahlo in her 17;55 post. I would have no further contact of any sort with this personality disordered woman who has completely and utterly failed you throughout your entire life. She, like all toxic parents, refuse to apologise or accept any responsibility for their actions and are adept to blame others for their ills.

Marshmallo,
I'm sorry your going through this. I think I was depressed from a very early age as well, only never knew there was a name for it iykwim. I came of the AD's last year before ttc and am determined to stay of them now and tackle the root of all this.
I also feel guilty as I feel I should be more grateful for the financial help my mum gave me and I have been told by former friends of her, I was being a horrible daughter. I think we just have to forgive these people, as they clearly only know one side of the story so it isn't really their fault.
The mother bit, I have no advice as am still very confused myself.