Boyfriend treating me with complete contempt - god, I just need a place to yell.

[Rosmarin]

Been having a few bumps - long distance relationship, together just about 2 years.

Had a little disagreement the other day and long story short, had just had a big chat about giving each other a bigger margin of understanding for snappyness/stress because we're both just starting out in really stressful situations - so next day sent him a normal and friendly message in order not to dwell on any negativity.

Fast forward four days and he hasn't been in contact. I call him a to check that he's okay and hasn't had some sort of accident (very out of character, the silence) and I get an email (no response to calls) saying, bluntly, 'We need to talk. Maybe tomorrow. I'm not happy'. I call him as I feel like it's just unkind to be made to wait for 24 hours for him to presumably end it, but he doesn't respond to any calls, not even call or text to follow up missed calls as would normally do.

Then today he eventually sent me an email with some poor excuse about having missed my calls and that he wanted to speak tonight. The terrible irony is that he's not bothered to buy credit ever for a cheap long-distance call programme so it's presumably me who he expects to do the calling. When it suits him. So he can break it off.

I'm feeling livid and rather terrified. Before our last conversation we were as normal, loving, talking about Christmas and gooey things and in the course of a day or two he seems to hate me. He's treating me with zero respect and what seems to be huge contempt. What the heck? How can you possibly respond to this behaviour while maintaining dignity and not crumbling?

How long distance is long distance? How often do you actually talk, and how often do you actually see each other? It doesn't sound good :(

By doing something you are comfortable with. Don't ring him (assuming that's what you want him to do), don't text or email. Whilst I don't advocate bad communication as any basis for a relationship, he is being odd and not adult playing silly buggers re responding.

If its any consolation i went out with a twit like this I only wished I had dumped him week one when started this type of shit

What do you want to say to him? Make a note and wait for him to call - you have done your bit.

There's NO WAY you should pay for that phone call! Show some backbone!

If you know he's going to dump you, let him call. Then make sure you're out.

I have to say it has crossed my mind that maybe he has been/is seeing someone else and your frank discussion has prompted him to end the relationship. I can't see any other reason for him to ignore your calls, unless he is prone to sulking type behaviour. Either way you have tried to contact him repeatedly so he should now phone you.

I would send him an email back saying he can call you this evening if he wants to talk.

It does sound as if he wants to end the relationship, as you say. But forewarned is forearmed. Get tough, and plan how you want the conversation to go. Then come back here and we'll pat your hand.

No, no - he's definitely ending it. I can't do the ultimatum thing because it won't be a bad thing to him. I won't call, either, and I haven't been in contact. But it's that he actually thinks I will call him, on my dime, at his convenience, to hear his verdict. Jesus.

I feel livid that he thinks he can treat me this way. He's flipped a switch somewhere and he's being hateful suddenly. I just don't know how he has that capacity. I have tickets out to him in 5 days. It's all in the EU. I want to go there and vent at him. Bloody hell - being in a distance realtionship like this unfortunately means he can do this and not have to deal with the outcome.

So so so confused and surprised.

Oh Ros so sorry you have ended up with a game paying dick. H

Honestly? I'd let him go. If things are like this now, what on earth will they be like in the future?

You're not even living together, and at 2 years long distance, you should still be in the honeymoon period. IF he's expecting you to make all the running while still being at his beck and call and you're also having to pay for the calls because he's too tight too, well...

I don't believe relationships are all hearts and flowers a la Hollywood, but neither should they be this much hard work - especially at such an early stage.

Don't call him. When he calls, cut him off and say you've decided you don't want the relationship to continue. Try to think of it as a lucky escape.

Hope you're not too upset.

Your goal now should be to save your dignity.

Don't get in touch with him. If he sends a message, don't reply immediately, if at all.

You know now that he's going to end it. Do you really want to hear him tell you? Don't call, don't email or text. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

I don't have any faith that what he says now will be the truth.

2 years is an awfully long time to still be long distance. IS there actually any commitment there, from either side? If someone could dump you so easily then tbh you'r better off without them

You are feeling angry and a bit impotent right now because you can't tell him how you feel. But there are things you can do to feel better and maintain your dignity.

Keep posting here and vent away
Do not contact him
Do not wait around for him to call, get on with your life
Find RL support from friends and family
Arrange to go out and do something so that you are not always available
Get a refund on the tickets if you can
Treat yourself to some new clothes/makeup
Look in the mirror and tell yourself it's his loss

. . .

YOu get 02 phones you pay £5.00 a month and all calls between you are free. Its the friends and family bolt on.

Or you do the same with Vodafone, both have a Vodafone PAYG and pay the same a month and calls to each other are free.

Seriously why have you never done that?

Oh sorry, international calls?

Honestly love, he's an arse. Get rid, move on.

For behaviour like this love YOU should end it.

Don't just jump every time he says so! who the hell does this guy think he is, to tell you I'm not happy, we need to talk? Fuck OFF!

If he has something to say, why not come out and say it, but to put you on tenterhooks is beyond shitty.

DON'T you DARE carry this relationship on, if you do 'forgive' him this, you are setting yourself up for him to do it again.

He already doesn't bother enough about you to get a calling card etc, WTF are you doing wasting your precious time waiting around for someone who won't even invest in you enough to buy phone credit?

The quick change in attitude smacks of him having found someone else. Sorry.

Cancel the flights, don't go. You could be being sucked into a toxic relationship. Please listen?

This putting the frighteners on you, just before a trip, with christmas looming is a classic abusers trait.

It's designed to make you grateful for their presence in your life, to make you jump when they whistle, to test you to see if you will do anything they ask of you.

He's got you running about, scrabbling around in a blind panic hasn't he?

Like they say 'There's no such thing as bad publicity, only publicity' Well to a man that wants to control you 'there is no such thing as bad attention, all attention is attention'

The way to freak THEM out is to do nothing, fail to react at all and if challenged stand your ground and say that you are putting in more to the relationship than he is, if he's not happy, perhaps it's down to him. If he's not into it, best to end it. Show HIM that you can take him or leave him. Don't EVER back down.

He needs to understand that to keep a girlfriend at long distance, when he's not going to be physically there, not going to be the one to hold her, cuddle her etc, that he has to be pretty bloody special to her at all times for her to want to forego all of the touchy feely stuff for prolonged periods of time.

Oh precious OP - am so sorry to say that I think that you are being used (and abused).

I don't agree with the "act with dignity advice" as think that cheaters (with apologies to him if this is not the case) should never get away without the showdown.

Best wishes

I remember your posts of a couple of weeks back. You were feeling very down and lonely because you hadn't made new friends where you are currently working/living outside of the UK.

I'm glad to see that you seem to have perked up sufficiently to start getting mad at the selfish twunt who's been jerking your chain and contributing to to your unhappiness

I agree with the consensus of opinion that says wait for him to contact you. If he's met someone else or has decided that it's over, he'll not be eager to see you in 5 days time and the arsehole will stir himself to ring you for a change - or take the coward's way out and email or text you.

If he doesn't contact you, you'll have the choice of turning up as arranged or tryto switch your tickets to another destination which will inevitably cost.

On the basis that no news is good news, I'd be tempted to turn up as planned and give full vent to my feelings if it transpires that he doesn't want know but was too into himself or someone else to let me know.

Once my mission was accomplished, I'd either jet off somewhere else or check into a fancy hotel and enjoy all that the city/town/village has to offer before returning to my depature point.

It's a bummer when these things happen but console yourself with the thought that it ain't just you - it happens to lots of others too.

I know everybody has been quick to jump on the user/abuser road but the reason this is so hard for me is that up until the summer (for the year and a half before) we had been having a whale of a time. The reason it might seem strange that we're still long distance is that we're both studying in different countries - it's not just that he hasn't bothered buying credit or investing time into the relationship. Until the summer we'd seen eachother about every 4 weeks for a week and he also has flights out to me in November, they're just not in 5 days...

I feel sick - so sick. The reason this is so bloody awful is because this isn't like him at all and it hurts. It hurts a lot to feel like someone can suddenly hate you like this and treat me like an enemy. I don't think he wants me to try to pursuade him around or give him attention of that sort - it seems to be like he really, honestly, has flipped a switch in his mind. I can't even understand why he's not even trying to preserve a bit of friendliness in the whole thing - why it has to be acrimonious? I think he's never had any emotional or other challenges (one of those picture perfect upbringings) and now he's suddenly dealing with 'huge' stress (his degree is pretty awful) he absolutely can't handle it and has turned against me as the problem. So you might all say that this is a good warning sign and to get out early, but the problem is that I'm inevitably going to suffer with the shock and all that comes with someone suddenly (seemingly) hating you. It's like being thrown out of bed during a deep sleep.

Because he hasn't told me exactly what 'we need to talk' means, I'm grabbing at straws to make sense of this. It could be that he has turned off all emotion (this happened once before. he's completely unequipped emotionally, despite his parents both being therapists). Or could it be that he somehow thinks I've done something (adultery? no idea, he's never been jealous) and has put his defenses up? I guess that sounds ridiculous.

I just can't believe someone is capable of shutting down emotion (or worse, replacing love with hate in a matter of days).

I've been feeling sick to my stomach for hours. Last night I felt so angry - I just wanted to fly out as normal next week and give him an almighty headache (or kick to the balls). Argh.

As Izzy mentioned, I've been posting on here recently. I've got a predisposition to depression and I'm pretty scared about facing this big black hole out here. Just moved to a new country as part of my studies and I have very little of a support network.

Scary -

I'm not running around in a blind panic (surprised myself) but it's affecting me massively. I've been unable to get over this cold, bunch of other sudden health problems, not to mention constant feeling of absolute anxiety and nausea in my belly. Blah.

Where are you Rosmarin? (Of course you don't need to answer that) Have you checked out the expats board, maybe there are some MNers living near you

NE Spain.