Boyfriend treating me with complete contempt - god, I just need a place to yell.

[Rosmarin]

Been having a few bumps - long distance relationship, together just about 2 years.

Had a little disagreement the other day and long story short, had just had a big chat about giving each other a bigger margin of understanding for snappyness/stress because we're both just starting out in really stressful situations - so next day sent him a normal and friendly message in order not to dwell on any negativity.

Fast forward four days and he hasn't been in contact. I call him a to check that he's okay and hasn't had some sort of accident (very out of character, the silence) and I get an email (no response to calls) saying, bluntly, 'We need to talk. Maybe tomorrow. I'm not happy'. I call him as I feel like it's just unkind to be made to wait for 24 hours for him to presumably end it, but he doesn't respond to any calls, not even call or text to follow up missed calls as would normally do.

Then today he eventually sent me an email with some poor excuse about having missed my calls and that he wanted to speak tonight. The terrible irony is that he's not bothered to buy credit ever for a cheap long-distance call programme so it's presumably me who he expects to do the calling. When it suits him. So he can break it off.

I'm feeling livid and rather terrified. Before our last conversation we were as normal, loving, talking about Christmas and gooey things and in the course of a day or two he seems to hate me. He's treating me with zero respect and what seems to be huge contempt. What the heck? How can you possibly respond to this behaviour while maintaining dignity and not crumbling?

I think that things started to change last summer because he was having second thoughts about the relationship then. He may already have been interested in someone else at this point. He may even have been seeing someone else.

But he wasn't quite decided on what he wanted. I am sure that he did have very strong feelings for you and he probably did want the relationship to work but it is difficult keeping a ldr going and maybe he couldn't cope with it.

On top of that, if there was another woman, she was there and available and you weren't. This would explain how he could change so quickly from loving and promises to cold and distant. Sorry to say, but lust will override reason and logic.

One thing I am certain of is that you are not 'damaged goods' and I am sure he did not mean that when he said he needed positivity. He just couldn't handle the 'honest' conversations because at the back of his mind, he knew he was lying to you. The easiest way to avoid the conversation is to call it 'negative'.

I also think he did not come clean with you because he wanted to minimise the hurt. And making a clean break is also the kindest way to tell you it's over. He won't forget you, he will have wonderful memories of you and in time he may come to regret his decision.

You have realised he's not the man for you. You are moving on and living your life. You will be fine. Your past has made you who you are and when someone loves you, they will love all of you, insecurities and all.

Those posts were really helpful. What quite a few of you have said about finding someone who loves me for all of my indiosyncracies and funnyness really stuck - and this guy just didn't love me enough. It's strange how my view has changed SO MUCH over the last 7 days about what I feel. I was so scared at the beginning, especially about being pulled into a black hole. And yet, for the most part this week, I've felt happy, giggly, bouyant, alive, young and very excited. I've been into Barcelona more this week and spent time with more friends than I think I did in half a year last year (living in central London)! There have been plenty of moments this week where I've felt like crap - unsure of myself, sick to my stomach, angry.

Yesterday I had a really good day and a lot of fun and met some new people, too. At the end of it all, I really felt like this was so much better of a time than I'd had when I was in a relationship. I felt really unlimited, liberated. Even though I never saw it negatively at the time, having a daily talk date at about 8pm meant that I was never able to just be spontaneous and I relied on that chat as my only form of contact most days so neglected being social. Suddenly I feel more social than I've ever been and it feels great! Having friends is just so much more fun than being in that relationship actually. And I guess Erasmus is an even more special experience than being a home student. I feel hopeful about that.

However:
Yesterday I received a warm and lovely email from my ex's Mum, who I've always really liked. I always thought she was a very nice woman. It was late so I didn't reply and instead sent ex an message to let him know that I was going to reply as really wanted to keep contact open with his parents on a friendly, couple of emails a year level but didn't want to seem sly (and also because the email mentioned nothing about our breakup so I kind of thought she didn't know and I didn't want to be the one to tell her). An ex of mine is still in contact regularly with my Dad but he behaved badly after break up so would have liked an email like this from him, so I thought it was the right thing to do.

Anyway, this morning I open my email to find another email from her which says something along the lines of 'we've just heard you two broke up, we wish you well, Ex'sMum and Ex'sPa'. It's in German and my German is pretty basic so I'm not even sure of the tone, but it seems pretty 'have a nice life' to me. I guess what happened was that ex decided to tell them and perhaps he told them not to continue contact with me? I don't know. It makes me angry though, because it seems unneccessarily cruel, like I'm being blocked out. And I'm not the one that has done anything (to my knowledge!). I wasn't the dumper, I didn't do drunk phonecalls or angry emails or anything like that. In fact I sent him a friendly text mid-week which he replied to (patronisingly) and my email last night was friendly but nothing more and nothing less. Otherwise I've just left him to get on with things and didn't do any spiteful facebook blocking (am 'friends' with him and siblings on facebook). I think I've been a fairly model dumpling actually!

I spent a lot of time with his family over the last two years and his little sister came to stay with me in London, which was her first big trip abroad. I'm not desperate to maintain contact or wedge myself into the family consciousness but it seems a shame to close doors because it's always nice to hear how people are doing a few months/years down the line and to watch how the family grow up. Until now I didn't hold any negative feelings against them - ex acted badly but they are not responsibley for him. Now I'm not sure what to think. I guess I feel hurt that I tried to act considerately and to be purely friendly and nice and I've electronically had a door slammed in my face.

((And yet ex ex is still enjoying regular contact and baked goods from my Dad...))

I think I'll get a German friend to tell me what the tone of that email is, and I'll probably just reply to her last email as normal because it was a fairly long and nice message about general stuff - my teaching job here (she was a teacher) and so on. Even if they don't respond, I'll know that I've done my part to be friendly and that makes me feel better.

Oh dear l really don't know why you felt the need to message your ex that you were going to reply to his parents message. It's almost as if you wanted to keep lines of communication with him flowing. totally unnecessary in my opinion. Your ex is just that--an ex. No need to keep denting your self esteem by initiating contact.
Regardless of the tone of the latter email,l would just respond to the parents email in the same friendly tone in which it was sent, adding that you are sorry the relatinship with their son did not work out etc. Don't apportion blame as you don't know what he has told them and blood is thicker than water.
Perhaps they felt you would not want to respond to their email anyway given the circumstances.

You are doing well OP and have come such a long way. Cut contact now with Ex, you don't need it at all.

I have always been someone who, when I get to know and like people, want to know how they are getting on, how life treats them etc - for ever! But this is not always for the best. I think you'll find it's just a nice email from his folks, wishing you well and moving on.

Hard as it is, we come across people we like in life, and then, as circumstances change, have to let them go.

Rosmarin - I think you did absolutely the right thing with regards to your ex's parents. They have now told you they know that you are no longer together, it is up to YOU how you respond. They won't want to push into your life now either - but if you like them, there is no reason why you should not maintain occasional contact with them. Send an email back to his mum, saying that you were very glad to hear from her and you are also sorry that you have broken up (which, to be fair, is probably still true in fits and starts but will become less true as time goes on). Try and find a way to leave the lines of communication open (if that's what you want) without looking needy and desperate.

My ex's grandparents had looked upon me as their granddaughter that they never had for a good decade when we split, so they were very angry and upset - they even phoned my parents to apologise for their grandson's bad behaviour. They also stayed in touch with me and even offered to help me out financially; and I had a Christmas card from them every year until they had both died.

So - up to you for now - do you wish to cut them off completely, or leave the door open? Ignore any thoughts you may be having about what you ex may or may not have said - they are adults, they can make their own choices and decisions! And they may decide that there is no point in staying in touch, they may be embarrassed because of their son, or they may be sad and think you will want nothing to do with them any more by association. You cannot know how they feel until you reply - and if they reply again, you will get more of a feel for the situation.

However - you do need to take him off your FB. It is a BAD idea to keep him on as a friend - not only will you see things about him that you may not want to, but he can keep tabs on you should he choose to. So remove him. You can keep others of his family if you want, but not him.

Glad you're regaining a social life, btw - mine improved 100-fold after the initial collapse-and-hide response - I found out a while later that I had missed out on a lot of invitations because of my ex, as several people thought he was a twat but wouldn't tell me while we were still together! I had a lot of fun that first year, and more the years after. :)

Rosmarin you sound so much more positive these days. What a difference! It's so refreshing to see someone so proactive on these boards. Taking control of your life and looking ahead with strength and determination. I think you are a very special young woman and whoever you end up with will be an extremely lucky man to have you in his life.

I think it's difficult to determine tone in an email even when it's your first language. Possibly, his parents just assume you won't be in touch with them much now and they do sincerely want to wish you well.

I would suggest that you don't contact him at all now. I know you want to be mature and polite but he's not 'there' yet. I also think that you should have him as a 'friend' on fb, not a sibling, so that he falls into the same category as everyone else. Are you friends with his sister on fb, because it would be nice to keep in touch with her I think. If it becomes a problem, just stop contact with all his family members. In the long run, it's easier to make new friends than fight over old ones. Just send them a Xmas card each year.

I am a little envious of your adventures. Oh, to be young again . Enjoy yourself and don't be in a hurry to get into anything serious again for a while yet.

The only reason I sent ex a message was because my ex ex kept contact with my Dad but a bit more slyly and I would have appreciated acknowledgement in some form that he was aware that my family was 'my territory'. I didn't see contact with ex because it invariably has a negative effect on me. But I want to act maturely and considerately regardless of the situation. I sent an email to the Mum today which was just very friendly and mentioned a couple of things from her email. I told her that although her son and I were no longer together, I would certainly like to keep contact with the family if they would also like that and I wished her/them well for autumn. She may or may not reply but I feel better about it all now.

One of you mentioned 'changing' after a relationship being no more than letting out another part of one's personality and I think that's very true, and helpful to remember. I try to remind myself of this when I think of the shock of the change, and how disappointed I feel now. But that capacity was always there. I feel a bit tricked by him, however. He did really 'ask' for my trust a lot and made it clear to me that I should/could rely on him, seek support from him, feel safely loved by him. Even though we can't make emotional promises, I would have expected better: he should have known himself enough to know he has this capacity to turn cold and cut emotion and he shouldn't have bullshitted me so much. I really thought better of him. So I feel like it's all a bit cold and unfair. I don't really understand why it took him over a week to tell any of his family - he's very close to his siblings so I was a bit shocked that he only told them when I'd contacted him about the email.

I felt quite sad and isolated today, basically unloved. I know my Dad loves me, but it's much easier to see the lack sometimes than what's there. And today I feel the lack. The only person in the whole wide world who really loves me is my Dad. I can't even say that about the remaining relatives I have, not even my brother. Even though I'm 21 and maybe should be more grown up about it, I feel the 'motherlessness' acutely. It's a big void for me.

The ex encouraged me to lean on him and I was more than willing to do so, and one aspect of our relationship I was especially fond of was the tactile aspect. He had a very, very tender and loving touch and he was always happy to recharge my batteries with cuddles and tenderness. It's a very sad thing to never be touched and I feel the lack of loving touches, espcially with regards to my Mum. I haven't had that kind of care since I was about 10. My ex filled that space somewhat: besides the romantic aspect, he was a good and willing cuddler and it felt very nice to be touched caringly. I have never felt comfortable cuddling with my Dad and I'm not sure how many teenagers/20-somethings do.

So today, for various reasons, I felt pretty alone. Despite being excited about being independent, free to do as I please here, being social and going out to the city and keeping busy, there is nothing to replace the touches. I had a very tactile and close female friend in my first year at uni but for various reasons we fell out. I miss that, though.

I know it's not just me: for the last few years of his life, my Grandad was the focus of much hand-holding, kisses on the cheek and comforting shoulder strokes because everyone was very aware that that was what he lacked most after being widowed. It's sad, isn't it, not being touched?

I guess I'm just feeling the justified sadness and vulnerability of someone who has been shown that they are no longer loved.

Actually I was just going to write something about not wanting to seem petty or spiteful and delete him from facebook...

But I've just logged on to facebook and seen that he's replied to my message (which was written not to demand a reply at all) and I feel angry, hurt, sick, lots of things. I'm trying to do the best I can here, so I'm sorry for this moment which might seem like very silly weakness.

In fact this has brought on the tears that were probably just waiting to come out from earlier.

I don't know. I wrote him a friendly but not over-friendly message, to the point, and told him my intentions, no questions, and closed it with a 'Best, Xx' which is how I sign off to all friends, which he knows. I wrote it in a way which didn't indicate I wanted closeness, fondness, nothing, just being friendly to someone I know well. But his email - well, I don't understand. He wrote to me like a business contact, with a 'thanks for...' and signed off with his full name, which seems stupid and purposefully cold. What the fuck? I guess I shouldn't care, but it hurts me that after two years of closeness and intimacy, after just seven days I've reverted to getting a full name sign off. It seems like he's doing it to pointedly give me a cold shoulder.

This probably seems so stupid to you - but after what I just wrote, it's a bit like insult to injury. That's not even friendly, it's just business. Just emotion-less business robot.

I guess the tears needed to come. And I guess today is a bad day. I just want to curl up and cry.

You just need a hug! Really you do (((hug))). It's entirely normal that you do - it's comforting, as you said. And it only really works if you know that the person giving you that hug really cares about you. Are there no other friends who care enough about you to give you a hug?

My family are amazingly untactile. But when my sister's DH left her for another woman, she needed the odd hug here and there, which I happily gave her (I am far more tactile than I realised, growing up in my family!). I even got the occasional hug from my Dad, bless him - yes it did feel a tad odd to start with but yes I knew he meant it (I was older than you though, nearer 30)

Of course you can expect to feel sad and lost and unloved - it's the nature of the situation - but it's what you do about it that matters. Accept that this is a bad day and that tomorrow is another day, when you may feel that you are worth being loved by someone far better than your ex.

Oh and another hint - every day, when you wake up and look at yourself in the mirror, SMILE. Because 1) if you look miserably at yourself, you'll only see the negative things and think "how could anyone love this hag that I am" and 2) it may be the only smile you'll get that day, but at least you will have had one. And 3) there are endorphin points in your cheeks that smiling will help you access - so a big smile will trigger some feel-good chemicals being released to make you feel better.
It doesn't matter whether or not you feel like smiling, you may not - that's irrelevant, DO IT anyway. :)

I just want to shake him until he starts making sense, press the reboot button on him. It was the same two weeks ago with the sudden coldness, which I still don't understand. Why isn't he just being 'normal'? By normal I mean neutral, not cold and not overly friendly. I mean really - what the heck? Is it the Germanness? Is it the lawyer side coming out?

What exactly is he doing with this wierd, overly formal, self imposed-distance?

It makes me wish you could send an email slap, or an email shout, because I really want to scream at him about this bullshit.

You know, it just makes me feel a million times worse, less important, less worthy, less loveable, just small and unwanted.

It's funny how impotent not replying feels. Maybe that's the best option. But it's not the most enticing. I want to make him feel bad now because he's made me feel bad and I haven't done anything. I've been a very good girl. He has acted and is still acting very unkindly and I want him to know it. Even if he doesn't care about me any more, emotions are inevitably still involved and he needs to learn to be considerate and aware. He should be mature enough for that at 25.

oh hahahaha - sorry, that was just my immediate reaction to your "he should be mature enough for that at 25". IME, most men don't even start to mature until they're 25. Some do of course - life experiences will do that to them - but most these days, no. Emotionally they're way behind at that age (again, IME).

He has a new normal and you are not part of it. He has pressed his reboot button - he's rebooted to his last known "safe" settings, i.e. before you were on the scene. He didn't care about you then; and so he no longer cares about you now. It sucks, massively - I found it immensely difficult to cope with the idea that someone you have shared life, love and so much time with for so long can just walk away from that and have no apparent qualms about it!
Well, that was until the fucker told me he hoped we could be "friends" - I suggested that friends wouldn't kick someone in the teeth and rip their heart out - he saw that was a fair point and didn't press it.

You need to do the "write the email but don't send it" thing. Really. And really DON'T send it - he will not be affected by it in the way you hope. You can rant (he will just be glad that he has escaped from the crazy woman), you can wail (he will be glad that he escaped from the pathetically needy woman) or you can bitch (are you getting the picture?) - but it will NOT make him think "Oh how awfully I have behaved, I am so sorry I caused her all this pain." Well, it might for about 20 seconds and then he will just be glad that he isn't involved any more.

You cannot make him feel anything he doesn't choose to.

And he won't choose to feel bad because why should he? You may think he needs to learn stuff, but he won't unless he chooses to do that as well.

Anyway. You need to focus on you, on the future and on how you are free of the weight of this coldhearted German lawyer person. But do write the letter/email - just DON'T send it.

You're right, I'd rather maintain my dignity than try to get my point across. He will just think I'm a ranting bitch or a nutcase if I send anything.

But I do hope that at some point in the future he learns his lesson, and in a spiteful way (don't most of us kind of wish for this?) I hope he turns around one day and realises he's made a terrible mistake and has to go through wading through his emotions and his mistakes and coming to terms with what a twat he's been.

Thzumbawitch -

How and why did mine and yours flip the switch? Why did they go cold? Where did they put the emotion - did they morph it into something closer to hate? Can you offer me any theories? I do not answers from the ex but I do want to hear some more of your insights. They are comforting and make me feel like it was less about me being unloveable and unwanted and more about his shortcomings.

Thanks for your replies today. I was feeling pretty bleak.

You are very welcome.
In my case (as I believe also in yours, regardless of what he may or may not have said) it was purely another woman coming on the scene. Weellll - he made up a load of bollocks about me being "impossible to live with" (that one scarred me for a loooonnnnngg time) because I pushed and pushed and pushed for an answer - when in fact all it was, was that another woman came along and he decided he liked her better. If he'd loved me enough - he'd never have gone off with her. But he didn't love me enough and she seemed like a better option to him so pouf! he went. On Valentine's Day too, can you imagine? Shithead. (That was ruined for a few years as well - still not keen on it now!).

re. the lesson thing - oh yes, I wanted karma to bite him hard. And it has. . I am still in touch with my ex's ex-SIL (complex - she was his brother's wife until the brother had an affair and they divorced - we stayed friends, anyway) and she has been giving me the low-down on how well or otherwise the ex's life is going. Of course I should have let it go long since, and mostly have - but there is still a nice little frisson of "ha! Serves you right" when I hear things aren't going so well. I don't hate him - that's far too active a feeling - I suppose I still bear a bit of a grudge and I don't ever want to have anything to do with him again but I won't ever have to so it's not an issue.

And there's no good wondering what differences there are between you and any new woman - because it doesn't matter. You could be the most wonderful human being in the known Universe and he still might prefer someone else, either because of chemistry, or because she smells better (never underestimate the pheromones), or he was just bored and fancied a change; it really is NOT about you. Took me a long time to "get" that one as well - the next relationship I had broke up after 3m and I pestered the poor bloke to tell me what was wrong with me, why it hadn't worked out - all it was, insufficient chemistry. Fair enough and good for him to realise it early enough and dump me before it got too involved (although that is NOT how it felt at the time, it's only with the benefit of hindsight and a few years' worth of counselling I've realised that!)

Delete from facebook. Also family members.

It will make you feel better. Like pulling off a plaster quickly.

I don't think you'll take this advice, but I guarantee you it is good advice.

One ex of mine loved to keep in touch with exes. I think it made him feel like he had lots of friends and secretly enjoyed the frisson that they had once been together as a couple. He tried to double bluff me into staying in touch by telling me I probably wouldn't be emotionally mature enough to stay in touch.

I said 'yes you're probably right' then blocked, blocked, blocked. Aaaah it felt good.

You know, it just makes me feel a million times worse, less important, less worthy, less loveable, just small and unwanted

This is exactly why you need to have no contact with him at all. Delete him from fb so that you can't be tempted to check up on him. In time, you will have people around you to hold you and hug you and love you. You may be surprised how many friends already do love you.

The 'switch' of his emotions is his way of dealing with the break up. He is probably not ready or able to cope with 'feeling' just yet. His coldness towards you is, I expect, part of the barrier he has put around himself.

I am certain that he will get his comeuppance one day. Either someone else will break his heart, or he will realise what he had and regret losing it. He may well regret treating you so coldly but right now that's all he knows how to do. It is not personal to you but more about how he manages his own feelings, if that makes sense.

I'm holding back from deleting from facebook because I don't want to seem petty. What I mean is, I like his family and I don't want them to see that I have deleted him and think I'm immature. Though I think I will do it. I've been very good though: haven't been looking through old photos, letters, emails, voice recordings (yup, even have a bunch of those. all from him saying how much he cares about me...yup.), let alone his facebook. I've either ignored, deleted or burnt. And what I don't have the energy to delete yet I am letting myself leave to gather dust until I don't feel much anymore and can delete without thinking about it. But I'm not looking and I think that's good.

Today I felt quite disappointed about the whole thing.
I like being in a relationship. It felt great (obviously!) to love someone and be so deeply in love. It was great to be able to do things for him, like send a sweet email or bake him a batch of cookies (if together) or buy nice underwear to enjoy together, and have these things reciprocated. As I said, I had a three year relationship before but just wasn't attracted to the guy (as I found out when I met this one) and it wasn't so much fun. This one, for me, was the real deal. I see that he hasn't treated me well since he 'switched', but basically everything else was just another sexy part of him. Even the way he drove was attractive. Good at sports, great body, smart, studious, confident. And now I'm just a bit disappointed because what if I never find someone who I'm so in love and SO attracted to? I feel like, honestly, it's so unlikely that the two things go hand in hand (or at least, the likelihood of me finding them), the two things being deep attraction and someone who really does love me (and is a good person). Are they exclusive of each other?

And I also think: I'm 21. Even if I meet a great guy in a year or two years, and they are a similar age, it's unlikely they'll be thinking about the future future and 22/23/24/25 is still too young to think about setting up a life together. Well not for everyone, but I guess what I'm trying to convey is that the likelihood of the next one, two, three, four or five relationships I have being 'successful' is fairly low. Successful as in: loving, full of attraction, the right person, a good relationship, them being the person I stay with (or me being the person they stay with for keeps). Meeting someone at 22 or 23, it's unlikely you'll go the distance. And that means breaking up. And that means more of this.

If you think about it: someone who loves ALL parts of you for what you are, someone who is a good person and partner, someone who is very attracted to you and who you are very attracted to... even these basic criteria seem picky.

What I'm getting at is the old 'once bitten, twice shy' chestnut. I feel bitten and I don't feel encouraged to bother again because I'll just get bitten again, or worse, won't find anything satisfying because this one, despite all his cold and stupid behaviour of late, set a bloody high benchmark because he was (infuriatingly, now!) SO sexy for me, SO attractive personality-wise, and a very attractive prospect in every other way (bilingual children! going to be a lawyer! great parents! positive person!)

Hmm. :-/

Still pissed off about the extra cold treatment, too. "I've already got the message you don't want a relationship! You don't have to sign off your full name in an attempt not to give me false hope with a single 'x'. I'm not a moron and despite what you may (like to?) think, I'm not interested in getting back together!"

I would imagine it is perfectly normal to delete someone from FB if you have broken up with them. (They didn't have it in my young day.)

Time to think about now, and the rest of your year in Spain (have I got that right?). For now, let the future look after itself.

Definitely delete him if only to get in first. Imagine how bad you'll feel when you discover he's deleted you?

Rosmarin I think the real reason you have not deleted him is that you are not quite ready to let go of that final little bit of him. Let him go. Delete the fb 'friendship', his telephone number and email address from your computer and phone. Burn those bridges.

You never know what is around the corner. Before you met him you didn't know such a man existed. There is no point in speculating about the future when literally anything could happen. Of course you are not ready for another big relationship. Just look after yourself, accept yourself and try to accept that it's ok to be on your own sometimes. Every experience helps you learn about yourself, what makes you tick, what you need.

I see that he hasn't treated me well since he 'switched'

He was treating you badly before he 'switched' remember. He was telling you he loved you and wanted a future with you when you now know that he was thinking of ending the relationship and also possibly already seeing someone else. He was lying. Don't put him on a pedestal. Don't make him out to be so perfect. He wasn't.

Who gives a shit if people you probably won't ever see again think you're being petty? They won't anyway, they'll be pleased you're trying to move on.

Also stop agonising about finding the right one fgs. Hasn't anyone ever told you that it's FUN going out on the pull and not knowing the guy's name the next morning ?

Maybe it's luckier to meet a really good one later in life - 21 is very young. A bit later and you get to meet and learn from several different people with lots of different strengths, weaknesses and things to teach you. There are loads of adventures to go on, and lots of interesting people to do it with.

You probably won't find other break-ups as painful as this one, honestly. Don't hide away because of it.

Thinking of you and hoping that you are starting to feel better! Take care

You can't generalise about when is the right time to find the right one for you. I have friends who have been with their partners since their teens, so we're talking over 25y now. One girl was married at 18 and sadly lost her DH to cancer before she was 30 - but he was the "love of her life". She has since remarried though - proving that most people can find more than one "love of their life".

You also can't always base the sign of a good relationship on chemistry and attraction - the person I was most attracted to, had the best chemistry with etc. was a complete bastard who two-timed me for the latter 6m of our "relationship" and who was an emotional abuser - not that I realised any of that at the time!

I actually think it's better to know the person as a friend first - you get to see more of their "real" character then!

If you can't quite bear to delete your ex from FB yet then at least hide him. You don't need to see his updates. Then delete him. And actually block him - because there is no reason why he should know what you're up to either.

In the end, it's a good idea to take on board this old saying: que sera, sera - whatever will be, will be - and if it isn't meant to happen, it won't. Of course, you can help or hinder it by your actions too.

Enjoy your life with your friends - and try and get something arranged for Christmas asap so you're not fretting about it.

Okay, I've blocked him. I chose not to actually delete him because I didn't want to have to venture on to his profile.

Not sure what I'll do about his siblings etc but as they haven't been in touch it probably indicates something. They might have already deleted me. But for now I don't want to know, I don't want to check. And I don't want to see their profiles.

I think you misinterpreted my last post a bit: I'm not looking to find 'the one'! Gosh, it's been about two weeks. I want to enjoy my year here in /all/ the ways I can! But I just felt a bit unkeen with the whole putting a huge about of trust into a relationship/on someone again. It's a bit scary how easy it is to be hurt.

Remember a while ago you all were making naughty hilarious suggestions about the local talent? Well I felt like feeling sexy again, felt like being distracted, having a bit of fun and overwriting all physical memories of the ex. Not a relationship, heavens above! Just a bit of casual fun. It's fun to put on lingerie, paint my toenails, do my bikini line... and not just for my own benefit!

There are a lot of cute guys here, you lot were right!

No, I didn't misinterpret your post so much as extrapolate from what you said about being only 21 and maybe having to go through this several more times before you do find the right man for you - you may NOT have to, you can't tell. That's what I meant - you cannot generalise about how old you may or may not be when you meet the person who is right for you - could be next week, could be in 15 years time. You just don't know. :)

But have fun trying out a few in the meantime!