Boyfriend treating me with complete contempt - god, I just need a place to yell.

[Rosmarin]

Been having a few bumps - long distance relationship, together just about 2 years.

Had a little disagreement the other day and long story short, had just had a big chat about giving each other a bigger margin of understanding for snappyness/stress because we're both just starting out in really stressful situations - so next day sent him a normal and friendly message in order not to dwell on any negativity.

Fast forward four days and he hasn't been in contact. I call him a to check that he's okay and hasn't had some sort of accident (very out of character, the silence) and I get an email (no response to calls) saying, bluntly, 'We need to talk. Maybe tomorrow. I'm not happy'. I call him as I feel like it's just unkind to be made to wait for 24 hours for him to presumably end it, but he doesn't respond to any calls, not even call or text to follow up missed calls as would normally do.

Then today he eventually sent me an email with some poor excuse about having missed my calls and that he wanted to speak tonight. The terrible irony is that he's not bothered to buy credit ever for a cheap long-distance call programme so it's presumably me who he expects to do the calling. When it suits him. So he can break it off.

I'm feeling livid and rather terrified. Before our last conversation we were as normal, loving, talking about Christmas and gooey things and in the course of a day or two he seems to hate me. He's treating me with zero respect and what seems to be huge contempt. What the heck? How can you possibly respond to this behaviour while maintaining dignity and not crumbling?

Sorry should have called you Ros

Can you ever keep memories happy if they relate to such a painful finalisation?
Just saw an ad on tv about a dancer and remembered seeing some great shows at Sadler's Wells with him. But those memories hurt me now.
But if this is what happens, how can you ever preserve nice memories if a relationship turns sour or ends? Isn't that kind of pointless - a life of negative past memories?

How can I process all of these overwhelming thoughts? I don't want to have sad or painful memories of things which were happy. That would take away SO much of what I enjoy - music we loved, things we did, places we visited, films we watched. If I have to avoid those things now because they hurt me, I will lose so much. But then they hurt me... So?

Make a scrapbook in your head of all the happy memories.

Make little films in your head of the bad times. You should see yourself in the films (dissociation). Run them as films, to get the learning. Then let them go to stills and fade into sepia and put them in a learning book in your head, somewhere away from the happy scrapbook.

it is possible to have those happy memories, perhaps not now, or even for a while but in future years you will be able to look back fondly on things you shared.

I'm sorry your heart is broken. But know that you will get over it, you will recover. There is a reason behind it and there is someone else, even better for you, out there, in your future.

What's hard about this which wasn't hard about my Mum's passing is that this pain is someone's choice. This pain is being forced on me and I don't want it - it's being forced on me by someone I love, because they have decided that they don't want me in their life anymore.

All of our dreams and thoughts about the near and far future are null and void now. I was so in love with him! All of the loving and wonderful thoughts which I used to bring to mind which made me feel happy and gave me that great feeling of fluttering in my chest are so painful now! For two years he was my ideal. Of course he has flaws and imperfections, but I could see them during our relationship and unusually for me, I could look past these little things perfectly happily. He was a great boyfriend.

It's so, so painful for me to see emails from even a week ago. To see the texts he sent me just 9 or 10 days ago which were so kind and loving. Where he told me he loved me and missed me. The loving names he gave me. The birthday present from last month which he prepared - an mp3 player with him singing silly birthday songs in German and English, and recorded voice messages of sweet feelings. Where did this all go?! How can he have decided that this last 4 weeks were too difficult for us to continue?

We were having a lot of grumpy conversations. I tried to remind us both that this was a period of stress and adjustment: he had just started a very intense and stressful study timetable and I had just moved to a new country and my communication opportunities were less than ideal, which meant finding a time to talk was harder than usual. But I couldn't make him see that this month was an anomoly in our relationship - we've spoken almost every night since June 2010 when we went long distance, and they majority of those talks have been wonderful. We had two trips in November - our trips have always been golden time, when we recharge our batteries, when we love each other and make great memories. But he couldn't hold on for just another few days to get to that moment when I get off the plane/trane etc and we embrace and he's so big and strong and takes my case for me, holds my hand, cuddles me on the tram.

I want to fall asleep on his chest again. I want him to stroke my hair before he falls asleep. I want us to hear the alarm and for him to put it on snooze, cuddle me back on his chest and fall into a happy half-sleep for another 15 minutes.

I don't want this. I want to be able to continue loving him and for him to continue loving me. It was so good...

See, you have golden times, when you were both happy in the relationship. Those are the ones for the Golden Scrapbook.

And you have more recent times, when you don't know really how he felt. That is painful. Those are the ones for the sepia film stills.

Pain will go. I've been there. All best wishes...

Sweetie - it's the hardest thing to realise that the one person you want to comfort you in this pain is the one who is causing it - it leaves a whirling void - where is your best friend, your lover, your comforter? Oh that's right - he's fucked off and left you. Your default safety-net has been taken away and it's scary. I remember (it was 16 years ago it happened to me and I still remember it, that's how bad it was).

You're right - it's worse than a bereavement because it's been done to you deliberately - someone has caused you this pain by choosing to hurt you. Horrible thing to cope with!

But...
It is his problem, his fault - not yours. He didn't love you enough to stay with you. You are fine, you are lovable, you are love-worthy - but he lacked the staying power, the strength and the commitment to stay with you. He is the weak one - you are the strong one. You may not feel that way just yet - but you will. However good it felt - and it sounds as though it did - it wasn't Right, or you'd still be together.

Next...
Remember your memories of good times with joy. They brought you joy at the time, they were joyful. What has happened now is nothing to do with those memories. Regret nothing - what's done is done, it's in the past, it cannot be changed - and you enjoyed it at the time. Close the door on the memories for now until the rawness of this pain has passed so that when you are recovered a little, you can look back at them with a less tainted view.

Believe that you can do better. You can find someone who does truly love you and care for you and who would never put you through something like this - believe it because it can happen for you.
You can get through this - eat soup, banana, things that are easy to swallow and digest - I lived on weak milky sweet coffee and bananas for 4 weeks (hence the weight loss) which wasn't ideal but at least it kept me going.

Keep posting and I would suggest writing a diary for yourself as well - more of a thought journal so you can write everything down - helps get it out of your head where it just goes around and around. Write emails to Him now as well but DON'T send them - they are for cathartic purposes only!

Look after yourself love, it's a bitch of a time and horrible to go through - but you will survive. x

Those times out with friends are great because it occupies your mind as well as your time. You can forget for a few blissful moments, but when the memories come back they seem strong because they've been absent for a little while.

Over time, the time spent not thinking about him will get longer and those sudden 'remembering' times will become less frequent. For now, keeping busy will help. You may not feel like it, or have much energy, but could you find a little volunteer work maybe just one evening a week to start with. Helping others may help you. Just a thought, you may not be up to it yet.

I would not think about the good times right now. It's too overwhelming. Don't dwell on what you are going to miss. Make a list, acknowledge it, then put it away. Just split your day into little half hour slots and find things to fill them. Try to just get through the half hour without thinking too deeply.

If you have to face up to changes, such as taking photos off facebook, then do it and then get on and do something else. You don't need to tackle all your own personal photos yet if you're not ready. Deal with one thing at a time.

You can keep spilling your guts here, we understand and are happy to lend an ear. x

This is another long post, so thank you for still being around and reading. I'm completely relying on Mumsnet and the few close-by friends I have to keep my head above water.

The mornings are very hard. Yesterday I was managing to feel very detached and happily quite numb/third party by the late afternoon and evening, even though I was by myself. But then this morning it all started again. First it's the lack of good sleep. Then, as soon as I'm a teensy bit awake, my mind starts playing tricks on me and I can't control the pictures it's making. Before I can get a handle on things my stomach is churning and my heart is racing and all I want to do is sleep, but my body is mutinying.

What Thzumba said is so very true. This whole situation hurts so much and I want to call him up and have him comfort me. He was my best friend and now I'm really sunk. Things keep coming up and I want to send him a quick text like normal. But I can't. If I do I know I'll be presented with the cold, selfish him who wants to move on without me there confusing him with contact. Where does the care and loyalty go? It's SO HARD knowing that I have tickets out there this week and had he not had a change of heart, I would be feeling as great as normal and looking forward to spending a long weekend with someone who loved me and made me feel great. No icky feelings. Love, caresses, jokes, laughter, day at the spa, studying side by side, riding in the tram, fumbling up the German language. Fuck fuck fuck, why did he stop loving me? How could he have stopped loving me so suddenly?

Two things which really scare me:

1. Once bitten, twice shy. I've had relationships before but this one was just incredible. However, how can I ever, ever put myself out on a limb again when I can be burnt so badly? When it leaves you so vulnerable? Does that mean I can never experience the same depth of feeling, if I don't let myself fall so deeply for someone?

1. What scares me is that there is no guarantee that I will ever find anyone who makes the magic feelings happen for me. Maybe there will be someone who loves me more than he did, but what about someone who ticks all the boxes for me, like he did? I spent the whole relationship in awe at having what I had: incredible shared feelings, he was absolutely handsome and so big and strong, healthy, smart, positive, basically everything about him made me feel warm inside - from the way he walked to the little chuckles he did to the way he spoke German.

It's hard to accept that he's stopped loving me when not being together feels SO wrong. It's really hard for me to see it like it could never be the same (because his emotions have gone) because I just don't see how they could have gone. And that leads to doubts - big doubts. I know you mentioned that he's the one who is missing out and doesn't have the staying power, but being left by someone you are gaga about makes you feel pretty worthless.

I can't get on and do things I need to do for myself, like my thesis research. I can't concentrate. The mornings feel so raw and this horrendous nausea is pretty unbearable. Everyone says it'll get better but it's so overwhelmingly awful that I'm scared that after being worn down by this exhaustion, inability to eat and all the emotional bits, that after a couple of weeks I might feel like giving up. That scares me.

Thanks again for reading.

You were gaga about him. Being in love is like being in the manic phase of bipolar, somewhat. It changes your brain chemistry.

Make yourself eat - for me, Weetabix, or bacon and tomato sandwiches are staples if I can't manage much. Rest. If you need a nap in the day, try having one. Sleep is healing.

Ok - here are a few more things to think about.

When my fiancé buggered off, I was a wreck. We'd been together for 11y, he was my first BF as well - it was awful. Some time in that first 4 weeks, I took a week off work and basically spent it in bed, reading Agatha Christie books - my Dad had the whole set, so I would borrow 3 at a time, read them until I fell asleep at night and spend the day in bed with them too. I had to get up, go shopping for food for my guineapigs and feed them of course - that was my grounding to normality.

So, a practical suggestion then is to take/give yourself a week off, stop trying to continue with your research, and immerse yourself in some literary escapism. It damps down your persistent thoughts and requires far less concentration than research does (and may help you to sleep).

Another is to get some Rescue Remedy and take 4 drops in water as soon as you wake up - will help to calm the immediate stomach churning. You should be able to get it, even in Spain - and if not, Amazon sell it mailorder.

I know that you are on an endless cycle of "why? what happened? why did he stop loving me?" and I can guarantee that you are unlikely to ever get a straight answer on that one - so hard though it is, you need to accept that you can't find out. Also accept that, for whatever reason, it IS his loss. He has lost YOU - and you are worth so much more than being cast aside like a worn out glove.

Re. How could he stop loving you so suddenly - that happens. I know it's trite, but men do compartmentalise things and you moved from one compartment in his head to another, from lover to ex-lover, which affected his level of care for you overnight, as it were.

Re. the future relationships - can't exactly help you with that one. You have been hit hard by this one, and you need time to heal from this - once you have spent some time, you may consider whether or not your self-confidence has recovered sufficiently, and if not, then maybe counselling would help (it helped me but I had a lot of other insecurities going on as well).

Keep venting here - it will help. xx

I don't believe there is just one perfect person out there. It's funny how things turn out in the end. Getting over him will be tough and take time but eventually you will have a lot more experiences in life that will be different to those you might have had with him. You don't know how your future together would have turned out. He is seeing someone else. He was cheating on you. Better to find out now than years further down the line.

What you are pining for is the man he used to be, not the man he is now. I know it doesn't make it easier but try not to idolise him too much. Even if you could have him back, you wouldn't want him now. You know how quickly he can change from kind and loving to cold and distant. He is not Mr. Wonderful after all. It's sad but accepting that may make it easier for you to let go.

I think you are doing really well Rosmarin. You are working through your feelings and trying to make some sense of everything. Do you think your GP could help you re getting some sleep? Relaxation CDs are very helpful if you wake in the night and can't clear your mind. If you get a walkman cd player with little ear plugs you can let it soothe you back to sleep.

Just realised, you're in Spain, aren't you? Don't know what the foodstuff equivalent would be there.

Banana mashed with a little milk or cream is another idea.

And yy to not thinking about thesis at present.

Rosmarin You are suffering from awful grief; my heart goes out to you.

It is so dreadful when a parent dies; none of us can deal with it, even when it is inevitable. May your mother Rest in Peace and sincere best wishes to you and your father.

Have you looked at "The 7 stages of grief?" Applies to the break-up of a relationship as well as bereavement. You, poor girl, are suffering the results of a terrible, double trauma. So sorry. Best wishes.

Thzumba Oh, your experience sounds completely awful. How horrible for you We humans have such a capacity to hurt and be hurt, don't we? It seems like a design flaw that we have this in us.

Today has been a better day. The first difference was that I had nothing to disturb my sleep and when I finally woke up I wasn't immediately battered with heart-racey anxiety feelings, stomach clenching up or scared thoughts and I managed to sleep 9 hours. Not sure why I didn't have those awful physical sensations (much) but I embraced them and managed to have a bigger breakfast than before. That was a big step because I was completely dreading this morning after the last three mornings of inertia, nausea and pain.

Actually I feel like I imagine I should feel in a month or two. I'm a little worried about this because it feels pretty good compared to the last 8 days and I'm pre-wincing the belting from reality again. The only thing I can think re: cause of this is that I've been completely on speak-about-it overdrive. I've spent two whole days with a new friend being distracted (and loving how it felt to finally spend time with a girl friend and just laugh and cry and whatever) and being listened to (when not distracted), and in mean-time had lots of texts, emails, calls with people and had you all to turn to as a sort of diary with supportive messages. So perhaps I've used up quite a lot of my quota of emotional crap for the next couple of days. Here's hoping... You know what? It's SO good to have friends again. Until this happened I felt like I didn't have friends. But so many, of all shapes and sizes, have come out of the woodwork to be supportive. Even my angry, estranged brother sent me tender words. I threw my arms out wide to be caught and they've all really done it. Thank god. And you all, too. Thank god, because otherwise it would be such a dark pit. This in itself makes me feel a little excited about being single because I can spend more time having friends. (I can't believe I feel like this compared to previously...)

So here's how I'm thinking today:

Avenue 1 of thoughts really surprised me. I have always been a 'try again' desperate hanger-on to love type, and especially in this relationship recently I realise that I was having to persuade him a lot. He did do this once before in the summer, where he didn't actually go cold on me and was communicating in a friendly but distanced way but eventually told me it was over. Three hours later, after much degrading begging, we'd patched it up and since then he'd thanked me numerous times for having saved him from making such a terrible mistake. However, I was always scared he would snap cold again and he did. SO: what surprised me was that after drawing out a list of pros and cons, I actually decided to let sleeping dogs lie. I have decided not to take any more action on him! If it's 'meant to be' then it will be, though I see this as unlikely given the circumstances so it's a bit of a trust excersize in letting myself fall and be caught my 'fate'. I will dismantle my feelings now - so what? I win either way: I move on, or in the unlikely event in months/years to come we reconnect, it'll work out then if it's supposed to. It's a bit passive but much better than trying to hold on to my emotions. Scary is right: I love who he was before he scared and hurt me. But it could never be the same, could it? Been burnt, know he has this capacity, too many scars there. I think holding on to this knowledge that yes, I'm losing a great deal of stuff I really bloody love and enjoy but that there's no way around that - because there's no alternative reality to this one. Our relationship has now passed and none of those good things can come back with him.

Avenue 2:
I went to the gym today. I don't own scales and due to a cold and my Dad's visit, hadn't been (excersizing) in two weeks so weighed myself for first time since then: I lost 4 kilos, and definitely not of muscle weight! I'm 5'11 and have been steady at 60 kilos for two years of the same eating patterns and excersize.

This is ridiculous - a step too far. Who do I think I am letting him kill off an old friend? Food has been a trusty friend to me and I will not lose that, nor any more weight. Food was always there to be eaten and always willing to let me cook it. It gave me confidence, pride and joy, and friendships were strengthened over it. And furthermore, I'm not going to let his compartmentalising ruin any more of my year here or darken more days (as far as I can control that from my positive vantage point today). The best thing I can do is take all opportunities, excel in my work and studies and especially friendships and kick his butt in that sense. And put on a brave face, too. My friends and family (and his family, too) read my blog and I'm determined to fill it to bursting with brilliant experiences. Then they can tell him how much he's missing out on

I did a few hours of research today and it felt good. It's a feminist topic so that helps too.

But this is all very tentative because I have no idea how I'll feel tomorrow. Please please please let me keep feeling okay, and strong.

Question: what are rebounds supposed to achieve?

If you mean rebound relationships, then avoid! If you mean your day is a sort of rebound, then it's about recovering yourself. It sounds as if you are Learning and Letting Go. I think you deserve .

All the best!

Fantastic! taking control of your thoughts and moving away from the sad soup of emotions is great and you have done really well.

Rebound relationships are a way of moving on for some people - it allows you to be with a different person, have sex with a different person and remind yourself that he was only one man out of the ~3.5 billion men in the world so there are plenty more to meet! it is a sort of catharsis in its own right - but they're not necessary.

Thank you for your kind words - it was quite horrible at the time but it was (with lots of hindsight) the better thing to happen, than us staying together. I would have missed out on so much if we'd just got married - so while I'll never exactly be grateful, I'm glad it happened.

Now for the caveat - today is an "up" day. You will have many of them, sometimes in a row - but chances are you will have a few more "down" days before this is over. Your body is recovering from the emotional onslaught but it can't do it all in one go - it is often two steps forward, one step back and this is NORMAL. So even if you wake tomorrow and the good mood is AWOL, it doesn't matter - it WILL come back again. So glad for you that you have all these people supporting you in RL as well - how lovely! You might have missed out realising how lovely they were, and missed some opportunities for fun as well, if you had just focused on the man in Germany.

Take it easy, be kind to yourself - only do as much as you feel you can each day and take each day as it comes. You Will Be Fine. :)

I think you're right. I think I will have more down days in the next little while. I will keep posting because I don't want to have a few up days and for people to think things are okay and then crash even harder in a week or so.

I'm feeling okay but underneath it all there are sudden surges of anger, sadness, confusion. What helps is reminding myself that I'm just going to have to get through them, because there is no way back to before. There is a thin layer of ickyness under everything, but I'm feeling positive and excited about hanging out with friends and making friends. I've arranged to meet up with a girl from my home uni who is also nearby. We're going to burn my airline tickets and whatever else on the beach this weekend. I think that'll be good.

I received a patronising text from him yesterday which made me angry, and after anger it made me even more determined to bounce back and not lose any more time to this crap. I woke up this morning and texted my best guy friend, who is spending this year in the South of Spain. Suddenly I realised that I could do whatever I wanted - book a weekend trip down to Sevilla with him and not worry about missing out on precious time with the ex. If I can just keep thinking about it along the lines of 'I've got my year abroad back' that'll help. I passed up so many opportunities last year because I was constantly working to clear the decks to spend a week with ex, so got to get this essay out of the way, nope, sorry, can't go out this week, yada yada yada. It's okay - I wanted to spend time with him and we had great fun and did interesting things and lots of travelling. But I sacrificed building new relationships with people who weren't going to bugger off when the going got tough.

It sounds a bit thick, but speaking on the phone with two friends back home made me realise that I had opted to ignore so many people in favour of focusing all energy on ex. It hadn't even occurred to me to make arrangements to catch up on the phone or keep up relations with very good friends. What an dolt. Well, that's all changing now.

Better get on and do a little research before heading into work.

Didn't mean to imply that you were All Better Now. Only that your good day was a good sign. :)

We know how you feel - just because you are feeling 'up' when you post at a particular time, you still, of course, can carry on posting when you're feeling down. The emotions go up and down. Bits where you think - ok, I'm feeling a bit better, a bit more positive, than wham, something triggers all the sadness/anger/loss to hit you all over again. It's a process. (I'm still work-in-progress). But it's great you are keeping busy and making plans with your friends. Do stuff to lift your mood. And, reversely, if you feel like having a damn big cry then do that too.

Noseinbook - no, of course not, and I really appreciate that you are still reading and posting. Mumsnet has really been a safe haven for me to write and say things I can't otherwise voice to friends, for whatever reason.

Yesterday was a bit of a challenge. I was supposed to be on a flight out there yesterday evening after work and I felt pretty upset about that aspect. In one way, I was angry and hurt that I didn't get (y'day or previously) any sort of acknowledgement that my little flame had been snuffed out rather cruelly - any sort of acknowledgement that he was aware and/or apologetic/empathetic that for me, that was a wanted trip and a bloody huge disappointment and waste of money (for someone living on a student budget) and it was his fault. It would have been nice to have got some sort of nod but no.

The other thing which is making me feel pretty wobbly, unsure and alone is what the situation says about me/him/us/future. I don't know what I think about his 'now' personality but the fact remains that for nearly two years he acted the part of loving and caring more-than-boyfriend and he suddenly was able and willing to drop me, and his act(?). That really hurts. It undermines my confidence because, no matter how he is now, the fact was that I loved and trusted him deeply and for him I was not equally, or at all, loveable. That's a really sad and distressing thing to be shown.

Was it all an act? Can any of you understand or tell me how someone could just rule reason over emotion (if that is indeed what he did) - and why someone would even want to? Or how someone can just turn cold and cruel to someone they, just days before, loved and cared for (if indeed he did ). So many doubts. It really throws a shadow over the good memories too, because I feel distrustful. As if the whole thing was a con.

Something similar happened in the summer, which I think I posted in my last post (sorry, it's all a blur with what I actually wrote or said, or just thought). After that point I felt wobbly with him, scared he would turn on me again and close me out with a stoney face. We had a talk about this in August and when I told him how I felt, he stepped up to the plate and he said he would do everything he could to show me that I could trust him and the relationship again. I was still a little scared and cynical (I've always found pledges of this sort a little flakey) but he seemed genuine and very concerned about having hurt me.

Then in early October we had a hiccup and after talking for a while (I thought?) we were just as determined as ever to enjoy time together, and we booked the two November trips. He had at one point in that conversation said that if we continued dating, he'd only end up resenting me for 'bringing him down' wrt his state-exam preparation (what he meant was that at the end of a long day of private study, lectures, mock exams etc, if he came home to have a chat with me and it was a bad talk, day after day, then it would end up wearing him out. I can definitely understand the desire not to have this at the end of a day and that wouldn't be a nice relationship, but it puts all the responsibility on me, really). When we decided to keep dating, I addressed this comment and he said that he was being overly negative and this would not happen. So yes, we had bumps along the way. But for me, I was always able to return to the loving and good feelings and look forward to the next trip/conversation/etc.

I recalled those moments when I was making breakfast this morning and they made me feel sick. He assured me, he promised me, knowing how I felt and that I was vulnerable wrt trust and safety - he gave me his word that he would not hurt me like that. And then he did just that. So, break up with me - it's anyone's right to end a relationship. But to turn off the care, go cold, treat me with zero empathy and respect and drag it out for a week? I still can't believe he had the capacity to do that to me. I really thought he was a better person than that. If I had ever seen evidence that he treated people in this way I wouldn't have been dating him, but it seems he just reserved that treatment for the person who loved him. Gosh, that's a sad reality.

How can I trust someone like that again? All you can rely on is trust and someone's word (and previous good behaviour, which was there for sure) and I did just that, but it's an understatement to say it was thrown back in my face. It wasn't like I'd known him for two weeks and he turned nasty. Yes, we were long distance, but we'd basically lived together (same corridor in student halls) for about 5 months, then spoke almost every night without fail for the last 16/17 months, plus spending a week or two weeks together at a time every 5 weeks. I feel like I would have noticed if this was an act.

I've always dreaded the aspect of a break-up where you realise/are shown that all loyalty and care for you so easily dissipates. This is that bit, and I know it will sting for a long time.

I think he thinks I'm 'troubled'. Damaged goods. There is fallout from an abusive, disrupted childhood and my Mom's very sudden passing and that's not something I can choose, but it does rear it's ugly head sometimes. He had an ideal, solid as a rock upbringing and his parents are happily together. It does hurt me to think that what he used to view as part of me and something which needed a bit of delicacy and tenderness are now 'problems' and 'issues' and that I'm messed up. For some reason I do just get that impression. Probably because he told me, in his breakup speech, that he needed positivity now. That was the line he used in the summer, too.

I can't help but think this is related to Christmas. We'd planned ages ago to spend a cuddly Christmas together. I've never enjoyed Christmas, because in many ways it was ruined for me by manipulative parental behaviour and custody arrangements, and one incredibly traumatic experience when I was 14 and sent back to America on my own to spend the holidays with my Mom, against my wishes. I ran away and that was the last time I saw her, and I live with the guilt of that. That kind of thing doesn't leave you.

Anyway, he has enjoyed a family tradition for the last 25 years, but was eager to spend time with me instead, but also of course visit the family for a few days. I told him my feelings about not being with his family this year (spent last year with them and had a few low points where I felt very alone and sad about my family, not to mention struggling at points when his sister was a bit cruel to his Mother, which always gets me) because I'm still hurting from my own traumas and I think he couldn't deal with that reality and asked me if 'every year we'd have to avoid his family'. I had no problem with him spending time with them, had just said I didn't feel up to it this year so I wouldn't join him. I tried to explain that for the majority of people, Christmas is not a time of joy. It can be very exclusive and lonely, and brings out all sorts of wounds. This seemed new to him.

But I guess I'm writing this because, once again, I'm hurt. I'm hurt that someone I trusted enough to show my traumas could turn around and hurt me. And I also feel humiliated and bad about myself because I think these 'issues' might have motivated him to want someone simpler and not love me anymore.
It's a bit of a double-punishment. Not only do I have the fallout from these experiences, but it's still causing big waves for me today.

There was a lot today. Congratulations and thanks if you managed to read this far.

I know it is hard. But suppose he had acted better - would it have left you even more feeling like there was some hope, and left you thinking of more ways you could get back together? You invested a lot of yourself in this relationship and put effort into keeping it going when it faltered.

But it was you that made the effort, really, wasn't it, not him? And yes he made promises. But you can't make promises about feelings

TBH I think you have had a lucky escape. I married mine, and a long way down the line, am divorcing him. We met as students, over 40 years ago.

Rosmarin, I know it's difficult and I know you want answers - I did too. I pushed and pushed for answers from my ex and since he didn't really have any sensible ones to give me, he made some up. That was waaaay more hurtful and they sank deep into my soul and stayed there for a long time. I should have let it go but I couldn't at the time, I needed to understand. My first counsellor gave me the best heads up on the situation by telling me that my ex just didn't love me enough. He didn't love me enough to look past the apparently difficult parts of my nature - he didn't love me enough to stay with me - and he didn't love me enough to care that he was going to hurt me.

So that helped, amazingly - took some of my anger away. Because I did realise then that it was about him, not about me. His failing, not mine.

He also became someone I didn't really know - and that is down to the switch flick again. He no longer had to maintain his care for me because it didn't make any difference to him any more. It's hard to explain - but when you're in a relationship, you don't show your exact nature to your partner. It's not necessarily a deliberate act of deceit, it's more a moulding of yourself to fit into the relationship; not changing, just allowing some parts of yourself more exposure than others. When the relationship ends, so does the moulding - and parts of your/ his nature that have been pushed to the back can come out and express themselves, suggesting that "they have changed". No, not really - it's just parts of their character that you weren't really aware of in the relationship. This will happen in EVERY relationship with any human being (pretty much, anyway).

So - back to you. Do not judge yourself by this man's treatment of you. He is flawed. His reasons are entirely selfish and have really very little to do with you as a person - you have to ignore any thoughts of his opinion of you because, you know what? It doesn't matter what he thinks. He's not worthy to even have an opinion of you any more.

Christmas, btw, is a bastard of a time of year, even if your family is relatively normal, IMO. I hope you have some friends you can spend it with - if not, get a bottle of Sangria, kick back and do bugger all all day. But we'll get to that later :)

For now - remember that you have all these friends who want to spend time with you. Remember that you are a worthy woman in your own right and that any man who cannot see that is unworthy of your affection. And also, that if you need to cry, scream and punch something, DO it. It's a good outlet.