Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend treating me with complete contempt - god, I just need a place to yell.

179 replies

Rosmarin · 27/10/2011 20:49

Been having a few bumps - long distance relationship, together just about 2 years.

Had a little disagreement the other day and long story short, had just had a big chat about giving each other a bigger margin of understanding for snappyness/stress because we're both just starting out in really stressful situations - so next day sent him a normal and friendly message in order not to dwell on any negativity.

Fast forward four days and he hasn't been in contact. I call him a to check that he's okay and hasn't had some sort of accident (very out of character, the silence) and I get an email (no response to calls) saying, bluntly, 'We need to talk. Maybe tomorrow. I'm not happy'. I call him as I feel like it's just unkind to be made to wait for 24 hours for him to presumably end it, but he doesn't respond to any calls, not even call or text to follow up missed calls as would normally do.

Then today he eventually sent me an email with some poor excuse about having missed my calls and that he wanted to speak tonight. The terrible irony is that he's not bothered to buy credit ever for a cheap long-distance call programme so it's presumably me who he expects to do the calling. When it suits him. So he can break it off.

I'm feeling livid and rather terrified. Before our last conversation we were as normal, loving, talking about Christmas and gooey things and in the course of a day or two he seems to hate me. He's treating me with zero respect and what seems to be huge contempt. What the heck? How can you possibly respond to this behaviour while maintaining dignity and not crumbling?

OP posts:
SolidGoldVampireBat · 28/10/2011 10:33

HOnestly, get rid now. Life is too short to spend it doing all the emotional caretaking for a tosser like this: relationships are not compulsory and if you're going to engage in one it should make your life better, not be a source of constant anxiety about whether you can make him 'love' you or keep on loving you.

Original poster
Rosmarin · 28/10/2011 10:42

It's just the horror that you can invest 2 years of care and love in a relationship (and get it back, too) and for that same human being to have the capacity to poison all of their feelings for you. It's just the terrible shock that this can even happen - that humans have this capacity. Sad

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/10/2011 11:05

You invested in this a lot more than he ever did. He's backed off now completely from this long distance relationship and my guess too is he has met someone else a lot closer to home. Unfortunately for you, you met a wolf in sheep's clothing.

You deserve far better actually; time to set yourself free of him.

pictish · 28/10/2011 11:07

I agree with the previous poster. Without any evidence whatsoever to support this, I too reckon he has perhaps met someone else.

Original poster
Rosmarin · 28/10/2011 11:08

What I don't understand is why he's treating the situation like this. Surely if you want out of a relationship you do it? He should have called me already or sent a nudge text to ask when I was free to talk. So why the half-passive, mostly contemptuous semi-silence? And why not try to do it gently, for all involved? Surely being the 'good guy' and breaking up decently would make his ego feel better (judging by his past breakups)?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosmarin · 28/10/2011 11:09

If he has met someone, all the more reason to get it over and done with, right?

So how come he hasn't actively tried to get in touch with me?

OP posts:
Prolesworth · 28/10/2011 11:16

I know it's difficult but this bloke is not worth the energy you're expending on trying to fathom his (abusive) behaviour. You deserve better.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 28/10/2011 11:21

He's a chickenshit - he doesn't actually want to have a confrontation with you or have to say the words 'You're dumped'. So he's just withdrawing from the relationship. Any attempt you make to contact him now will mean he does the 'Can't you take a hint? You're so unreasonable, stop stalking me!' number.
Unless you have any kind of joint finances to sort out, or any of each other's belongings that need to be returned, just write him out of your life and move on.

OneHandFlapping · 28/10/2011 11:25

Think of this one as a narrow escape. And thank your lucky stars you've found out he's a nobber before having kids with him.

Stop angsting and get angry with him.

happyatlast · 28/10/2011 11:33

I've not really got any advice, sorry, apart from yeh, definitely dont call him!!

Just wanted to say the way hes had a complete turnaround in a matter of days is how my ex was with me a few weeks ago, and I think thats the bit you are struggling to deal with, how he can change so quickly....if you look at my thread on lone parents called "dumped cos I have 3 kids" you will see I have had a similar thing happen to me in the way someone can completely change towards you so quickly.

I hope you sort it out but definitely do not call him.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 28/10/2011 12:29

because this isn't like him at all You need to accept that o, yes, this is like him; this is how he is when he has his back to the wall for whatever reason. And this is how he'll always be when the going gets tough. Not quite such an attractive proposition as you may have previously thought, is he?

It's good that you're not 'running around in a blind panic'. Why should you be? Don't ever give others the power to turn you into a headless chicken even if they act like one.

From your previous posts I imagined you living in some grim and inhospitable northern state, but instead you are living in one of the most beautiful parts of Europe among people who know how to live life with gusto.

Not only do you get to experience the joys of Spain but Spanish happens to one of the easiest languages for English speakers to learn. What's not to like about your life? So, you've got a twunt in it - remove him from the equation and you'll be living the dream of many.

As for the constant feeling of absolute anxiety and nausea in my belly tell that feeling to take a hike 'cos you don't need it anymore than you need him.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 28/10/2011 12:35

PS Instead of trying to analyse him and what went wrong, yada, yada, ad infinitum, put the same amount of time and energy into analysing what you can do to make you feel good about yourself and your life - and, no, the answer isn't to have a 'changed' him or the same him in it because you have no need to depend on anyone else for your happiness.

howdoo · 28/10/2011 12:36

According to my DH, men behave badly like this so that you will get annoyed and dump them and then, in weird man logic, they can think of themselves as the "good guy" because they didn't do the finishing. It may not be logical to us but it does seem to happen. I also think he has met someone else. See if you can cancel your trip in 5 days, and definitely don't contact him.

fuzzynavel · 28/10/2011 12:41

To be honest I think he hasn't called you because he's a coward. He's doing what howdoo has said.

Thzumbazombiewitch · 28/10/2011 12:48

Never mind all the rest of this - why have you not got SKYPE? It's free through the internet, neither of you would have had to pay to talk to the other, with video as well!

Now, for the rest - he's quite likely met someone else. He probably even instigated the row the other day so he could use it as an excuse as to why "it's not working". He doesn't want to finish it with you until he's sure about the OW; or perhaps he's collating his excuses.

Cancel your flights. He's not worth it. Anyone who can treat you with this level of disrespect at this point in your relationship does not deserve to have you fight for him - just let the jellyfish go.

Original poster
Rosmarin · 28/10/2011 19:00

Just got an email saying:

Please answer me! We cannot postpone communication forever.

What now?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosmarin · 28/10/2011 19:02

I mean, why isn't he texting or calling me?

Is he honestly expecting me to instigate his break up? (And he's giving me this line about postponing communication after not answering my calls, texts or emails for four days...) Wow.

I'm flabbergasted.

OP posts:
LeBOOOf · 28/10/2011 19:03

Freeze. Him. Out.

buzzskeleton · 28/10/2011 19:09

Email back - 'so phone me'.

MrsChinandlerBong · 28/10/2011 19:10

He wants you to run after him. Don't do it!!!

TheProvincialLady · 28/10/2011 19:21

A simple block on his number and email will really, really annoy him and enable you to start moving on. The sooner you stop giving any thought to his supposed motivations the better. Who cares? He has already shown his hand.

clam · 28/10/2011 19:24

Do you want to be with someone who can behave like this? If the answer's no, then what are you waiting for? Don't sit around waiting to be dumped. Be proactive and take the initiative yourself.

RefereezaWanka · 28/10/2011 19:26

He sounds like a selfish, mainuplative dick and you sound like you are making excuses for him, if I am brutally honest. 'Switch off emotionally'? Christ, he sounds like SUCH a dick. Read back what you've written. DICK.

You are well shot, my love.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 28/10/2011 19:38

Given that you've invested money in plane tickets, I would email back saying 'Answer what? When you email or call me, I'll respond', but whatever you do, don't call him

StewieGriffinsMom · 28/10/2011 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread