Boyfriend treating me with complete contempt - god, I just need a place to yell.

[Rosmarin]

Been having a few bumps - long distance relationship, together just about 2 years.

Had a little disagreement the other day and long story short, had just had a big chat about giving each other a bigger margin of understanding for snappyness/stress because we're both just starting out in really stressful situations - so next day sent him a normal and friendly message in order not to dwell on any negativity.

Fast forward four days and he hasn't been in contact. I call him a to check that he's okay and hasn't had some sort of accident (very out of character, the silence) and I get an email (no response to calls) saying, bluntly, 'We need to talk. Maybe tomorrow. I'm not happy'. I call him as I feel like it's just unkind to be made to wait for 24 hours for him to presumably end it, but he doesn't respond to any calls, not even call or text to follow up missed calls as would normally do.

Then today he eventually sent me an email with some poor excuse about having missed my calls and that he wanted to speak tonight. The terrible irony is that he's not bothered to buy credit ever for a cheap long-distance call programme so it's presumably me who he expects to do the calling. When it suits him. So he can break it off.

I'm feeling livid and rather terrified. Before our last conversation we were as normal, loving, talking about Christmas and gooey things and in the course of a day or two he seems to hate me. He's treating me with zero respect and what seems to be huge contempt. What the heck? How can you possibly respond to this behaviour while maintaining dignity and not crumbling?

Rosmarin, his behaviour after 2 years is wholly consistent with men of 20-odd year marriages who hook up with another woman.

You sent him an email to say grow some balls or else and he's been too busy to bother to email/call you?

Any mere friend worth a STAMP would call you immediately, let alone a bloke with whom you have had an intimate relationship for 2 years.

You have given him the chance, now is the time to dig deep, find that strength you have and CUT HIM DEAD.

Seriously, I call that Time of Dumping 19.01 BST.

I agree with HS.

Men like that do this. Unbelievable as it seems, he has moved on. He just didn't get around to telling you.

He ignored your calls because he wasn't ready to deal with you. When he was ready, he sent you the 'we need to talk' email and expected you to ring. When you didn't ring he realised that you were seriously pissed off with him and he lost his bottle again. He sent you another email trying to put the blame on you. You replied in no uncertain terms that you are expecting a break up and you are expecting him to man up and make the call. He's too cowardly to do it. He will consider the relationship over now and he will leave it at that.

He might still call I suppose, but don't hold your breath.

Now all you need to do is accept that it's over. He wasn't the man you thought he was. He is spineless and you're well rid of him. You need to get on with the business of getting over him. Cry it out. Get the good ice-cream. Call a friend. Take care of yourself. And keep posting. We are here for you too.

Do you really want to hear the words "it's over"? I wouldn't.

You've sent the message now - let him respond. Don't send any kind of message until you hear from him.

To the poster who said they didn't agree about her keeping her dignity as she should let him know how she feels - I agree she should, but I think in the state the OP's in, it's likely she could go down the constant messaging route - that's what I wanted her to avoid.

The only positive today has been that he did call. I feel more normal break up (horrendous) feelings now, because at least it was done properly and with a bit of decorum as asked.

It's all over now. I was very dignified and I didn't cry until after the conversation, though it did hurt bad. It hurts when your deep feelings are not returned.

I would definitely appreciate some hand holding over the coming days. Regardless of his behaviour this week, the fact was that I was very very much in love with him and it was a complete shock. Now I need to get over the icky feelings, the stomach problems, the being in love with him when he most certainly is not in love with me, all that nasty stuff.

I can't take advantage of the year-abroad rebound on offer because I feel too messed up, though at least 'el shaggo randomo' did bring a chuckle to this sufferer.

Will you lot come back and listen sometimes?

Oh Rosarin I am sorry- it is crap no matter what all people say on here about him being a tosser.

Is your dad still with you to give you a cuddle? Sometimes that was only thing I wanted when I had broken up

Just try and do whatever you need (chocolate etc) to feel better

Oh bollocks, sorry to hear that Rosmarin. I was lurking and thinking the others had got a bit carried away with all of this flatmate business - some people just hate and avoid conflict and difficult situations so not necessarily any more sinister than that - did he give you a reason or say why he had suddenly gone silent? You did say in your original post it had been bumpy lately.

A friend once advised me, when was in similar situation but a 5 year relationship, last of which was long-distance, "don't call the tosser or I'll break your legs". Apt.

I never called. Hurt like hell for a long time. When we did meet up A few months later - accidentally, but I took the opportunity to try to get an explanation - he told me he'd left me because of the way I was, stuff I did, wanted, had asked for,basically put it all on me. That hurt more than the rejection itself. Still makes me angry today, many many years later (bad I know, should've told him he was a tosser when had the chance!)

Closure is overated!

You won't get an ulcer, but may feel terrible for some time until things settle down. Just take care of yourself and find someone nice in rl to talk to.

V Sorry about your mum. Perhaps having lost her makes this different kind of loss/griefharder?

We will stay with you as long as you need us. Did he give a reason?

Well done, btw, on holding it together. Now it's time to let it out.

(((hug)))

Oh dear,mam sorry (though good that he called). The stomach pains won't go away for a while, but that's ok, is just nasty stress chemicals.

Don't let him ruin your time away, wallow for the weekend, then find some nice friendly people to hang out with and sympathise, bet there're people who've had their hearts broken recently too, happens even to spanish hotties!

And find new stuff to do, throw yourself into your work, language, all of it. We're all hoping for good things for you.

You poor thing. It's such a horrible time for you.

These feelings do pass, though. I know they're deep and you feel desperate now, but soon they will fade.

Completely agree that losing someone or having a Bad time in other ways makes it seem worse and harder to deal with. When my parents were divorcing and my dad was being treated for alcoholism, I went out with a total tosser and had very ugly break up (he was also a great one for not communicating). I did take it a lot harder than I might otherwise have done and despite mates pointing out a lot of stuff about him being no good

Well, I'm glad that it's done and dusted at least. Now you can get on with the dealing with it that you need to do, rather than having it hanging over you like a Sword of Damocles. Thread's broken, sword's dropped, scraped you on the way down but that's it.

First thing is (and this might seem hard to believe) you can stop the stomach pains etc. My first massive breakup, I was in a state of shock, couldn't eat properly, lost a ton of weight (ok, 1.5 st in 4w) and was A Mess. The second massive breakup, I looked set to do it again - but (and sorry, I know how this sounds) I realised that I couldn't do it again, I was older and didn't have so much weight to lose this time so told myself to stop it and eat something. And amazingly, it worked! I wasn't so bad. The psychological damage from the second one was disturbingly worse than the first (1st was first bf, together 11y, engaged, 3m off wedding; 2nd was, I thought, love of my life - ha! sooooooo wrong).

This has come out of left field for you - but now you have to pick yourself up, block his number and email and cut him out of your life. You don't need an explanation - the German flatmate is it. And if you ask for one, chances are he'll make up a load of bollocksy excuses, just to get out of saying "I fancied her more", which for some reason is too hard for many men to say.

Hope you got a hug off your Dad before he left - and I hope you can find some stuff to do that will take your mind off this deceitful tosser. (((hugs))) anyway.

Oh, poor you. I've been lurking on this and that break-up stomach churning is horrible. It must feel especially lonely atm if your dad has just left. Really crap. I suggest you allow yourself to wallow for a defined period (not too long) and read 'Bonjour Tristesse' and 'By Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept' - both short but very cathartic. Write a few letters/emails to him (and her??) but do not send. And then decide that happiness is the best revenge and force yourself to say "Yes" to as many opportunities as possible. You will be ok but it's ok to not be ok for a while as well.

Oh, where to start?

The conversation was very gentle. The problem with that, and all the rest of my feelings, is that there's this pesky and very painful part of me not able to deal with the loss because of a thread of hope. He may be harbouring feelings for someone else (or have acted on them), but on the other hand, his reasons for breaking up are understandable if you know his personality so I'm doubtful there's anything else. He's a very straightforward plodder so, I might eat my words, but I don't think there's anyone else on the scene. It has been bumpy for a couple of months. However, and what really brings on the loud sobs, is for me the good things were DEFINITELY worth it. And it's so painful to think that I was just a few days away from falling asleep on his chest, cuddling, the absolutely magic sex which felt so so so right, laughing together, just doing dreary normal things like going to the supermarket, anything. Fuck fuck fuck. I know many of you were eager to point out his awful behaviour but it was just that - he was being a twit this week. I hadn't been ignoring abusive behaviour or manipulative actions.

The other thing is that the huge majority of my best and most fun experiences and memories since starting uni have all been with him. You may shake your heads, but my real real fear is that I won't enjoy life without him. As a ldr I'm already usually thinking 'I can't WAIT to do this with him!' if I find something interesting - a good hike, a funny film, a great dish. But now, oh god, this thought is crippling me. Now I don't have him to share these things with. You'll come back at me with stuff about enjoying life for myself but I'd been lurking on the edge of depression for years and years, probably since I was 12 or so, so before he came on the scene it was also pretty bleak. Shit.

His behaviour this week was very bad. However, for the great majority of our relationship (everyone fights and is stupid sometimes) it's been absolutely delicious magic.

I lost my mum. I should be able to process this, get through this, deal. How do you know you're not losing something irreplacable? The way I'm feeling scares me, panic about throwing away something so brill. I had another relationship, of about 3 years, before this one and didn't experience anything like this.

Can't comprehend losing these delicious things which until now made my world go around.

:( for you. It's rough, it is - but if he were The One, this wouldn't have happened (not sure I believe in The One anyway, but some people do).

I know this guy was not necessarily abusive, but stuff like the behaviour he has been putting out there this week, if you accept it and let him off with it, can be the START of an imbalanced relationship.

We are here for as long as you need us, we're happy to have you here however your life twists and turns.

You may not be a mum yet, there are plenty of others here that are not mums either. You may have lost your mum, but we can all make a little more space in our hearts as mothers to help you when and where you need to, if that is something you'd like. Stick around kiddo, consider your hand held and yourself hugged!

Main thing for the next few days is to be kind to yourself, try and take your mind off this upset. As you say, it's not the end of the world, he's utterly replaceable. 2-3 years in a relationship is a killer, cos you are over the initial awkwardness, but not yet deadly serious, but edging that way. Better you find out now though. Trust me!

As far as losing delicious things that made your world go round... tut tut! YOU are the delicious thing that makes your OWN world go round! Now lick your wounds, take time to heal, and then get right back out there.

Well I was going to type something profound but got distracted by the washing up so...

What HerScaryness said!

With the rider that my 'first love' was a kind, caring, romantic soul until he decided to break it off, when his behaviour was much the same as your ex's. I suspect it's more emotional incompetence than abuse in these cases, but no less hurtful, and I realise there is another layer of emotion there when you've already lost a parent at a young age. Don't be afraid of asking for help (counselling, meds etc) if you feel you need it - you don't get medals for suffering in silence.

What are your plans re the tickets? Could your Dad get some and come with you for a few days (head off in the opposite direction once you get there iykwim), make up for this week being thrown off whack?

You might also find it easier to settle in your new location without the to-ing and fro-ing to see him.

Him being ex - not your dad!

Rosmarin everything you feel is healthy and natural and something you need to go through. Grief is painful I don't need to tell you that. It is also natural to feel depressed when sad things happen. However, you can help yourself by visiting your GP and seeing if there is anything they recommend. Perhaps bereavement counselling for the loss of your mum?

You will feel the loss of a partner. You have been deeply and unexpectedly wounded. Just take it one day at a time and allow yourself to grieve and heal. If you can keep busy that will also help. Do you have any friends nearby that can take you under their wing for a bit?

You know, you'll look back on this and feel very proud that you sent that email forcing him to behave like a decent human being and give you the respect you deserve.

This only holds good if you avoid doing what I did once by hounding the guy, ringing him endlessly and sobbing (with much snot) down the phone.

I now look back and feel sorry for the poor guy and totally mortified. I was young.

I guess we've all been where you are and know how GRIM it feels. All the standard advice which feels completely unhelpful at the time is totally true. TIME is the only thing that will make you feel better.

So get through the next few months by keeping busy - try not to say no to invitations even if you feel like you'd do anything not to go. Give yourself regular treats - whatever feels like an indulgence for you. Get a new haircut, buy a few new bits of clothes/make-up. Go for long walks and try to do as much exercise as you can. Write down all your thoughts as you work through them (but DON'T send or email to ex).

If you really start to struggle, don't hesitate in going to the GP to talk about things. I do feel for you, I remember it well.

OP ldr or not, you have spent the last two years of your life invested in this relationship. Much of the pain you have felt is to do with the feeling of being out of control for the last week, not having answers and then not having closure.

Finally you have closure, this is it. No amount of phone calls, emails or texts now will actually make you feel better so stay determined not to go down that road. The sooner you recognise that, the sooner you will begin to move on. I agree that if you have something to say, write it down and don't send it.

You will get through this, it won't be easy but you will.

I really feel for you - I feel the same way about the guy that I am seeing - I don't think for a minute he sounds abusive but have you considered your possible co-dependency? x

Aw, Herscaryness, your message made me cry. I do miss being mothered and as strange as this may sound, he was the first person who gave me loving tenderness and protection that I don't feel comfortable receiving from my Dad and don't get from anyone else. The reason this is probably so much worse than my other break ups is that I did really rely on him for emotional protection.

Yesterday I managed to spend a few hours with one of my only friends here and I managed, for a couple of hours, to feel almost completely normal. As soon as I got home, I started to feel pretty unstable again. He's already removed all mutual photos from facebook and reverted to a pre-relationship snap of him and friends and I felt obliged to do the same. It would be viewed as a bit pathetic to leave the coupley photos up but I just wanted to ignore everything.

The newest twist is that everytime I see/hear/remember/taste/smell anything to do with him, Germany, Germans, etc my stomach tries to reject everything in it. I want to run away from these feelings - they're so, so painful - but there's no way to dull them. I just want to feel okay and I can't. Compared to my room/flat in the UK, there's quite few things here to do with him. But each email account has tonnes of things from him, facebook, clothes, objects. I'm trying to avoid delving into my pictures folder on the pc. I would delete all of the coupley photo albums from facebook but I don't have copies of those photos anymore and I've always been loathe to delete things permanently. Those WERE really happy times - but then I doubt I can ever look at them without strange feelings. Just don't feel up to tackling those things yet.

I can't suffer like this for long - I don't want to! But I seem unable to find a place to put my feelings so that I can just be okay. I would say I slept well, but as soon as I was slightly awake thoughts crept it and I could feel my stomach seizing up. Since waking up I haven't been able to get it to relax.

Wish I could get counselling but am on a year abroad and don't think it'd be a fulfilling experience (if available) in my not-100%-fluent Spanish. I might ask a family friend for help with searching for an English-language counsellor.

I'm going to try to go for a run this morning but I am a little bit worried about excersizing when I haven't been able to get much food down all week. The last thing I want to do is develop an eating problem/lose weight - I'm a great weight. I don't want this to ruin food for me, either. Food has always been a friend and I've always loved cooking and eating (Dad is a chef, but I couldn't even stomach his cooking this week).

I've asked my friend to spend Thursday evening with me (when my flight out there would be leaving) because I know it'll be a hard one.

To add insult to injury, I'm a regular excersizer but for over a week I've been unable to throw off a cold, plus I've developed all kinds of fun extras like a yeast infection (makes me feel even sexier), a sty on my eye, a strange eczema pattern which gives me one eye the colour of an old black-eye, and I wake up feeling hungover every day.

Why so hard?

Roz

Sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time but don't worry about losing weight - I'm sure it will be temporary. Exercising is always a good thing but just don't over do it because it sounds as though your immune system is low and that you're stressed (understandably).