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Original poster

Boyfriend treating me with complete contempt - god, I just need a place to yell.

179 replies

Rosmarin · 27/10/2011 20:49

Been having a few bumps - long distance relationship, together just about 2 years.

Had a little disagreement the other day and long story short, had just had a big chat about giving each other a bigger margin of understanding for snappyness/stress because we're both just starting out in really stressful situations - so next day sent him a normal and friendly message in order not to dwell on any negativity.

Fast forward four days and he hasn't been in contact. I call him a to check that he's okay and hasn't had some sort of accident (very out of character, the silence) and I get an email (no response to calls) saying, bluntly, 'We need to talk. Maybe tomorrow. I'm not happy'. I call him as I feel like it's just unkind to be made to wait for 24 hours for him to presumably end it, but he doesn't respond to any calls, not even call or text to follow up missed calls as would normally do.

Then today he eventually sent me an email with some poor excuse about having missed my calls and that he wanted to speak tonight. The terrible irony is that he's not bothered to buy credit ever for a cheap long-distance call programme so it's presumably me who he expects to do the calling. When it suits him. So he can break it off.

I'm feeling livid and rather terrified. Before our last conversation we were as normal, loving, talking about Christmas and gooey things and in the course of a day or two he seems to hate me. He's treating me with zero respect and what seems to be huge contempt. What the heck? How can you possibly respond to this behaviour while maintaining dignity and not crumbling?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosmarin · 29/10/2011 10:04

I really appreciate all of the comments you've been leaving. It's the small bit of angry, female support I have and it makes me feel a little better.

I'm struggling. I don't feel empowered, I feel sick to my stomach and crumbling under the stress of this horrendous disappointment. I feel like I've been hit by a car emotionally. Two years of care counts for nothing - I don't even get treated with the kindness a dog would receive.

Argh. Going to send an email telling him to treat me with respect no matter what he feels and that he needs to be responsible for the call and to finish what he started, like a man. But bloody hell, I think I'm going to be sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosmarin · 29/10/2011 10:15

Any quick opinions on this?

Dear -,

You left me in silence for three days and then all you had for me were three cold and brisk emails, and you get frustrated when I don?t come running to your beck and call? No matter how you feel about me now, you may not treat me with contempt and such disrespect. This doesn?t have to be handled in a cold way ? use a bit of kindness.

You want to speak to me? Well, call then. You have my number. You also have a Rebtel account. This is your conversation and you?ve already started it, so finish it of your own accord and with decency and decorum. I will only have this conversation with you when you can speak to me with respect, like an adult, and with care, like someone who I?ve known for two years.

OP posts:
Thzumbazombiewitch · 29/10/2011 10:17

Sounds good. Send it.

(Although I still don't understand why you don't/won't get Skype...)

ShroudOfHamsters · 29/10/2011 10:22

Yep - send it.

And then no matter what he says, dump him anyway.

You say this isn't like him? No, it is like him - when he's under any sort of pressure. Which you haven't seen until now. Whine, blame, avoid.

You can do a mile better than this whingeing coward!

Original poster
Rosmarin · 29/10/2011 10:24

Hey Thzumba,

Out here I can't get a strong enough internet connection to support a skype call. We used to always use that so there were no expensive phonecalls. Since I've been here (about 5 weeks) I've spent ?30+ on phonecalls to him. He has a rebtel account but has never paid into it - at first I believe he legitamately had problems with his debit card but that has been sorted now.

I can hardly eat. I wish this wasn't getting to me so. He should be the one struggling.

OP posts:
Thzumbazombiewitch · 29/10/2011 10:29

It's the not knowing that kills you. TBH, it'll probably be better when you speak to him because then at least you can feel angry instead of fearful - but if the fucker won't phone you, can you last without phoning him, just to end it all? I think if he hasn't phoned you by the end of the weekend you might as well just phone him and say - "Goodbye, you bastard. Thanks for the really shitty ending to a 2 year relationship". And hang up - that shouldn't cost too much?

ScareyFairenuff · 29/10/2011 10:29

Send it. It gives the right message, that you won't be messed around and it's totally down to him now. The anger you feel comes across in a dignified, adult way.

Original poster
Rosmarin · 29/10/2011 11:06

Okay, going to send it.

Arrrrr.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosmarin · 29/10/2011 11:13

I want to get this done today. Mostly, flatmate is away for a few days and my Dad, who has been visiting me, leaves tomorrow. I'd rather have the main smack while there's someone here. There's also an aspect that I don't know how long my stomach can go on like this before I get an ulcer or something.

I'm trying to shake some sense into myself. This is SMALL FRY. You've survived the premature death of a parent. But at least there was some sense of respect for that situation and a course of actions to follow.

I cannot let him ruin me, not even for a week. I can't even enjoy food. What a bastard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosmarin · 29/10/2011 11:15

Have sent it. Let's see what happens. Will no doubt come running back to my thread this afternoon/evening for some hand holding and a few angry war cries.

For now I'm going to try to make this last day with my Dad really nice. I think we'll go hiking.

I'm so angry he's dominated this time with my Dad. I'm angry with myself for not being able to seperate my mind and emotions.

OP posts:
ScareyFairenuff · 29/10/2011 11:16

You're doing the right thing. You have made your feelings perfectly clear. Now you need to prepare yourself for 'the call' which he surely must make!

Thzumbazombiewitch · 29/10/2011 12:56

Rosmarin - divert the anger away from yourself and send it exactly where it belongs - at this bloke! Have you told your Dad what's happening? If not, you probably should - my Dad is a bit crap at emotional stuff but he was always very supportive when my lovelife went tits up. Tell your Dad if you haven't - he can give you a big RL hug, where we can only send virtual (((hugs)))

I don't think he will call you. I think he is too much of a cowardly git to do it. I hope you have cancelled your flights already though.

Original poster
Rosmarin · 29/10/2011 18:15

He hasn't replied.

I feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown, can't do this any longer. Please help? What now?

OP posts:
LeBOOOf · 29/10/2011 18:17

Come on, pull yourself together. He's a boyfriend you have broken up with, nobody's died. How was your day with dad?

Original poster
Rosmarin · 29/10/2011 18:21

I haven't broken up with him - I just want it all to be done now.

My day wasn't so good. I'm unable to get away from these thoughts. It may seem weak but I really just need to have some sort of answer. Oh man oh man Sad

OP posts:
buzzskeleton · 29/10/2011 18:25

Well then, phone him. Get a good head of anger up, buckle on a backbone and phone the bastard.

Original poster
Rosmarin · 29/10/2011 18:26

I just want to get this over with.

It's amazing how it still hurts so damn much when I get another dose of completely no care whatsoever from him. A week ago I was blissfully ignorant that this was waiting for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosmarin · 29/10/2011 18:27

Buzz, I don't think he'll answer. In a way I'm scared to even try because it's almost humiliating after that email I sent. Fuck fuck fuck.

OP posts:
bubblegumpop · 29/10/2011 18:34

Look, you have your answer. He hasn't replied to everything you put. He's not in the relationship anymore.

Ok it hurts like hell. You still have one thing left your dignity. Don't respond to him anymore. Accept it, move on, keep your dignity.

You'll be glad you did eventually. Rather than keep trying, begging, needing answers off this tosser.

Original poster
Rosmarin · 29/10/2011 18:38

But there's no sense of closure.

Come on ladies! After two years of what was a really affectionate man - how could you just get on with your day without even having him finish with you properly?

OP posts:
buzzskeleton · 29/10/2011 18:41

Well, you have choices

So:

  • you can continue to wait and torture yourself
  • you accept it's over, block his emails/phone number, fill your next couple of days with a zillion distracting things, drink a bottle of wine (but shut your phone/pc out of reach) and cry it out,
  • Or you can suck up the humiliation and phone him. If he doesn't answer, you know he's a giant cowardly prick. If he does answer, you get the chance to tell him what a giant cowardly prick he is.

My preferred option would be 2. But some yelling what a prick he is would also please me...

bubblegumpop · 29/10/2011 18:42

There is closure he is telling you loud and clear. You just need to listen to the silence. He has told you.

You will feel so much better in a months time, if you haven't gone hassling him for answers you aren't gonna get. Giving him a hard on in the process as he has you in a mess needing his communication.

Deep breath, and keep that dignity.

buzzskeleton · 29/10/2011 18:42

Oh, forgot number 4.

You tell him it's over, (and that he's a colossal prick).

pink4ever · 29/10/2011 18:50

He's fucking his new flatmate. Brutal?-yep but you really need to snap out of this. Doesnt matter how he ends it-it is over. Get that in you head and start to move on. 2 years is not that long a time when you are long distance.

piratecaaaaaaaaaghhht · 29/10/2011 18:56

you might have to wait for the closure.

you might get nothing more, and you'll have to do it yourself.

by getting on with life. men do this. my ex dh of ten yrs and one baby did this to me. they zone out and fuck off. no explanation. sometimes you have to accept you DIDN'T know someone as well as you thought, especially a man who is a cop out, cowardly shit.

live you life op.