Boyfriend treating me with complete contempt - god, I just need a place to yell.

[Rosmarin]

Been having a few bumps - long distance relationship, together just about 2 years.

Had a little disagreement the other day and long story short, had just had a big chat about giving each other a bigger margin of understanding for snappyness/stress because we're both just starting out in really stressful situations - so next day sent him a normal and friendly message in order not to dwell on any negativity.

Fast forward four days and he hasn't been in contact. I call him a to check that he's okay and hasn't had some sort of accident (very out of character, the silence) and I get an email (no response to calls) saying, bluntly, 'We need to talk. Maybe tomorrow. I'm not happy'. I call him as I feel like it's just unkind to be made to wait for 24 hours for him to presumably end it, but he doesn't respond to any calls, not even call or text to follow up missed calls as would normally do.

Then today he eventually sent me an email with some poor excuse about having missed my calls and that he wanted to speak tonight. The terrible irony is that he's not bothered to buy credit ever for a cheap long-distance call programme so it's presumably me who he expects to do the calling. When it suits him. So he can break it off.

I'm feeling livid and rather terrified. Before our last conversation we were as normal, loving, talking about Christmas and gooey things and in the course of a day or two he seems to hate me. He's treating me with zero respect and what seems to be huge contempt. What the heck? How can you possibly respond to this behaviour while maintaining dignity and not crumbling?

I haven't been in communication with him for three days - what I meant before was that he had, prior to telling me we 'need to talk', had ignored my communication for 72 hours or so. I'm not exactly indulging him or running after him. What I'm flabbergasted by is that in our relationship I've never seen evidence that this part exists, so it's a big shock.

And what I don't want at this point is to call him up and break it off, because that's a) probably what he's hoping for, b) on my dime - again, and c) letting him get away with not doing the dirty work he already started.

If he wants to break up with me, he can damn well be a man and do it, or at least step up communication attempts by texting or even calling me, which he has not done. He's being a coward and his previous behaviour was simply cruel, so there's something rather just about seeing him send such an impotent email.

Refereeza-

My posts were not making excuses for him. I'm flitting between rage and complete flabbergastedness right now - not victimy love-sickness. Up until now he's actually been a very caring and loving boyfriend so I felt the need to indicate that I haven't been blindly accepting abuser/user/douchebag behaviour for two years. But yes, at least his behaviour is making me completely agree with your last phrase.

Maybe you should just reply, 'you said you wanted to talk, so phone me'.

After all, that's what you want.

Sorry, Rosmarin. I didnt mean to sound as harsh as I did. Its just that you are being very reasonable and trying to analyse things, whereas his behaviour just sounds so, so childish and quite spiteful.

I don't know you, but I do know you deserve better than this.

was going to post... you want to talk, then phone me... but I see other MNers have already said the obvious.

IF he is about to break up with you, he wants YOU to pay for the call?

I know you say you don't see any danger in this relationship.

You say you have invested 2 years. But you haven't, not really, you are long distance, so tbh you have no idea what is going on out of your view.

You would not believe the skullduggery some men can perpetrate if they have a mind to.

My X was a full on wonder, for about 9m, then he moved in, and then it started.

Men don't act like this if there is nothing going on. Even if it crossed his mind that you are not close by, a conversation would have been a better idea, or he'd have waited until you come out and then see how he feels and think what he wanted to to.

TBH, this smacks of him having got into something elsewhere, and he's panicking that you are coming to see him, and either he's feeling guilty or wondering what to do with the other girl.

There is something rotten going on that's for sure.

Don't go and see him, or come home and visit others. leave him for cold, he wants to talk to you, he knows where to find you.

I just need a bit more of these types of posts to help me cauterize the wound. This is going to be tough. I'm not sure about my trip out there - it's not my home, I don't speak the language (though it's N Europe so they all speak good english). I would probably have to fork out for a hotel.

But on the other hand, surprising him at the library with a sharp jab to the testicles is very appealing. And I've already paid for the flights. I cannot BELIEVE his treatment.

He does have a very attractive cold, blonde, german femme fatale new flatmate. Perhaps he's become besotted.

Oh, sorry, I thought that it was him that was from UK and that you were coming back home and seeing him.

Oh well then, don't go. Show him that if he's not prepared to call you then you won't be going.

So if you went, and he told you that it was over day one, what would you do then? carry on seeing him?

Or perhaps he'd wait till your last day or when you at the airport coming back to your home...

new flatmate you say?

Stand UP for yourself. Stand him up.

You deserve better than this, and guys in Spain are HOT!

Rosmarin, I really do think that if you just turn up to surprise him, you might end up just hurting yourself. What if he is with someone else and refuses to see you. Or what if, knowing you're coming, he goes out or stays with friends so that he's not even there. You would have gone all that way for nothing but more heartache and anger. Then you would have to make that depressing trip home when all you want to do is make it all go away.

Is it possible to get a refund on the ticket?

Mmm long-distance relationships are hard, especially if one of you is in an unfamiliar place. Fwiw, I know two women who took the flight and the bloke wasn't there at the airport to meet them.
Think what you are going to say along the lines of 'I don't expect to be f*ed around. I don't appreciate the cold shoulder treatment. I prefer to be told straight forwardly that it is over. If you are too cowardly to do that to my face or to make a phone call to me, then I have zero respect for you. If there is another explanation then I'm happy to hear it but ... I reserve the right not to be swayed by what you say until I've had time to think.'
But text him with the please call me by x time It does sound as if you need to talk to me.'
He doesn't man up, then fair enough. But he has taken this down to a level of child interaction so respond to him as an adult and it will take the wind out of his sails and be good for your self esteem.
Can you use the ticket and do something else?

Have you responded yet?

If not, and you want to make the tosser sweat, send him an email confirming your flight/arrival times - i.e. 'all set for x day, flight arrives x hrs can't wait to see you, is there anything you'd like me to bring you from Spain?'

I would imagine that will put the cat amongst his pigeons and you'll shortly receive a phone call or a more detailed mail.

re Eva Braun the Teutonic flatmate; mystery solved - it's either her or one of her mates.

"guys in Spain are HOT!" You are so right there, HS.

Maybe you can change those flights and nip down to Seville, OP? Or get them switched to a UK destination for sometime next year, and then take yourself off to Barcelona and bus it up to Figueres?

Izzy spot on.

OP bin him. Nobber.

Change or cancel flight.

Pursue hot Spanish non-nobber as top priority.

I understand how hard this is for you as you cannot see, hear or touch him due to the distance. Its frustrating and you are left relying on crumbs of communication wondering what the hell he is thinking/doing/whatever.

You know what? it doesn't really matter what is or isn't going on in his head. He is treating you disrespectfully and that is enough for you to do absolutely nothing here except look after yourself.

I know you want answers from him, but your answers you ^need^ are your own, what is best for you, what you deserve. I wouldn't go, his actions are his responsibility and tempting though it is to imagine tearing him off a strip ultimately your time would be better spent being kind to yourself.

preferably with said hot Spanish guy [guy]

"What I'm flabbergasted by is that in our relationship I've never seen evidence that this part exists, so it's a big shock".

You've been a part of an LDR for nigh on two years; he's only let you see of him what he has wanted you to see. I don't think you know the half of it actually. Think he wants to break up with you but strings you along so he does not appear to others to be the "bad person". He does not give a shite about your own opinion or feelings in this.

Think he has got it together with this German flatmate, sorry but men do not act so coldly for no reason. Usually they do so when there is another woman on the scene

Change airline ticket to another destination, do not visit him. Your main priority is now you.

Another vote for emailing that if he wants to speak he can phone you, and not to go on the planned visit.

Tbh it sounds like it's not going anywhere because you're in different situations too far away etc etc.

On the "flick a switch" thing, it's really sad and hard and feels unbelievable when someone you love starts treating you badly or stops loving you, if you still love them, but it sadly happens a lot. Has happened to me, my ex's behaviour was quite similar, and after a long time I realised he'd been gradually changing in how he was with me, and had been feeling more and more insecure and edgy.

If he really still loved you he wouldn't be behaving like this. You'll be OK without him and in living where you are now.

just want to put another vote in for el shaggo randomo it'll do you wonders Rosmarin [hwink]

Come on MN, let's ALL catch a flight down to Rosmarin and drool over the hot spanish guys.... [hgrin]

Do you not both have laptops? Personal computers? Can you not set up Skype, send him a text with the link and then MAKE him call you face to face and break up like a MAN, not some pathetic little weevil. That way NO ONE pays for it. And you get the pleasure of seeing his shifty face when you tell him that you're disgusted with his behaviour. Without all the embarrassment of having to fly to wherever he is to find his German Brunhilde draped all over him or whatever (yep, it's probably her).

CHANGE your flights
Dump his sorry arse in your head, so when he finally does it, it's no surprise and you can feel like you've already dumped him so what's he on about?

The "switch flick" happens when they've already mentally left the relationship - they no longer care about keeping up whatever facade they've had in place with you during the relationship so suddenly all this unseen (and unguessed at!) behaviour crops up.

O jeez, am I ever up for that HS - sleazyjet out of Gatwick suit you?

Barcelona and a hotel just off Las Ramblas?

Dahling, I don't do budget ...

I think we could charter something from Farnborough [hwink]

In that case I'll get a 'copter from Battersea [hgrin]

Don't you dare phone the prick.

He's off with his bit of prauline frauline.

In saying that OP, what a terrible blow for you. LDR are very nebulous and hardly every work out.

Don't go there, cancel the ticket right now. If he wants you to go he'll have to pay for another one won't he. Even then don't bloody go. Let him come to you.

Then when he's on your territory tell him to fuck off.

Thinkthat Izzy's message at 20.57 is good idea!

How are you getting on? Thinking of you