how can I reign him in?

[KlickKlackknobsac]

My dh is a nightmare.
If he has money it just slips through his fingers.
I have worked full time for last 9 years despite having 3dc. I pay mortgage, utility bills, food bills, SKY bill, dental costs, all clothes for kids etc etc.
If DH has money he buys a house or invests it- would rather do that than put money ion the bank. He is not money focused really- I think the houses are a game of Monopoly to him.

I also pay for holidays. My savings have now disappeared and I am starting to get worried.
18 months ago he took out a £25K loan in my name without my knowledge (I had to sign at last minute of course) fom joint account. Last month he took £570 from my account without asking or telling me. Today we discussed some building work and agreed we should leave it as we can't afford it at the mo- at 3.30pm the concrete lorry turns up!!!
What can I do to sort him out??

Oh dear. I have to ask, why did you agree to the 25k loan at the last minute? Were you concerned about finances at that point?

First off I'd stop his access to my accounts. Whilst the money we earn is for the both of us, if DH took money from my account without asking me that would be a deal breaker.

The two of you need to sit down together with the household budget to hand and talk it out. Decide what you can and cant afford, agree a budget. If you think he's too much of a risk-taker then you may need to take over managing the joint account, perhaps consider him having a monthly allowance, but you hold the monetary reins IYSWIM.

You need to regain control of your bank account. change passwords, put a stop on him borrowing, change your pin.

You need to insist he signs over property to you to cover what he owes you.

You need to SELL that property and get your money back, or if rented the rental money goes to you.

You need to say NO and mean it. If he can't do this, you need to remind him that if you leave him you can take 50% of what he has accumulated, perhaps more if you can show you contributed more to attain it.

You need to cancel the sky subscription and any non-vital payment.

get advice.

huh ?

what Scary said

I am too busy geaing up my christ on a bike

gearing

I agreed because he told me it would be paid off immediately and a house sale depended on it.
Of course this did not happen.
The recession and slow down in property market has not helped things.
Joint account is left alone by him mostly (unless he has an emergency).
He will not sit down and agree a budget- even if he did he would not stick to it- I am 'controlling' if I suggest this. This man is uncontrollable!!
There must be someone else with a similar man??

I would divorce him to be honest, he is reckless he cares not for any security is a waster, also he almost commited fraud for what purpose? You enable him, you assist him because you allow it to continue. I couldn't be with a waster, a dreamer.

Thanks herscaryness
I can separate accounts.
But do have 2 houses solely in my name and a few others that are joint. Due to market cannot just sell, and get money- nothing much is selling anyway, and very little profit to be had at the mo.
I agree about none essential things like sky- but I earn a good salary and should be able to have afew pleasures each month...
He is the problem- he is lovely and I love him- but what do I do to control the uncontrollable

Fabby- would you really just divorce someone because they are a dreamer? And crap with money?
We have 3 kids and are fine except for having no money for 2 weeks each month!! surely others must live a bit like this?
Not everyone is sensible.
And as you say Fabby I do enable him in a way.
We have been together since I was 17 so there's never been that mature approach- we are both a bit reckless I guess.

WRT that £25k loan.

You realise that in the grand scheme of things, in a Hit By A Bus scenario, that £25k loan would be YOUR liability, despite YOU not actually wanting to take it out in the first place. You should never have agreed to it.

He needs to have that loan refinanced in his sole name, or paid off as he promised. He's had 18m of 'immediately', now you need to call in that loan.

What is this 'prize' like in other aspects? I worry that this is a form of financial abuse, my X used to spend my money and leave me so short I couldn't even buy shampoo (I'm possibly projecting and happy to be told so)

but what do I do to control the uncontrollable

You cant.

Seperate your finances as much as possible and dont sign to anymore loans.

Two houses to you and a few you and him. So you must have gone along with this. Is it just a case of you now having remorse now the market has slumped.

You wouldn't be the first propety player up shit creek right now. Honestly?

OK the joint properties are rented? you need to get all the rental income. The ones you own outright too.

Communicate this to whoever needs to be told without deferring to your H. Just send them a letter requesting that as of 30 days notice the bank details for payments are to be made to your (untouchable) account. YOU decide what gets saved, spent and re-invested.

You are taking control of your finances. If you are to be forced to take on the responsibility for the utilities, then the bulk of independent income to your family comes to you. your H gets what is left over. If you don't want concrete mixers turning up, then refuse to pay, and let HIM sort it out from HIS money.

Your joint account needs to be closed.

He sounds like a petulant, spoilt, entitled and impulsive child. You need to put his breaks on. If he takes money without agreement, you need to confiscate and destroy his card. Until he learns to appreciate you as an equal partner, you need to dish him up some strong discipline.

Godd idea about the loan herscaryness
The 'prize' is fun, vey easy-going (obvs), works hard in all other areas- excellent at DIY, great in bed, lovely with DC, gets me cups of tea on demoand, cooks a meal, tidies up, will do anything I ask really. We live in a nice house with 6 acres. Idyllic in every other way. Just getting close to seriously skint now. We do have 4 houses on the market- bt cannot educe them much more as will be no profit to pay off loan. He also has a partner who has invested a lot of money with him. The loan was our side of deal related to that.

OK, I think you need to take charge and take steps to recoup your saving, get your income to a more reasonable level to easily cover your commitments.

Then you need to TELL him how it's going to be. He HAS to listen to you.

Sounds like he's a good bloke at the core of all this, at least you have that going for you!

Good luck.

Also loving the idea about getting the income from the properties that I own- never thought of that!! (I love mumsnet). That would soon build up savings- he may get something repossessed but I don't really care!!
And bubblegum I did go along with it- but he has a habit of saying-just sign that- I say whats it for and explains, and explains how many people depend on this purchase and how many will be let down if I don't sign and then its eally impossible to say no. Plus all the - 'we will make £50K in 6 months darling' I honestly challenge anyone to say no to him.

i'll be honest here, i wouldn't be in the least bit surprised if this guy is in debt to his eyeballs. even if you did divorce him (not saying you should) i think you'd find you'd get 50% of nothing.

Honestly? I think you are both to blame. You went along for the ride, thinking easy money, now the shit has hit the fan. Looking to pin the blame on him.

YOU also should have been looking into this more at the time, and his claims of money, before wading in. 6 of one on that score.

I'd also tread VERY carefully about saying "he can get repossessed I don't care". Immediately acting on advice here.

You are financially linked, through multiple houses, loans, accounts, credit records. THE LAST THING you need is a repossession against him. Especially if you have joint assets. As his creditors could go after him for bankruptcy. Forcing the sale of joint assets.

Also if his credit record is fucked, yours will be by association.

I agree heresTheScary
He is great, but has been proven to be quite dishonest about all matters monetary. (which indicates he knows its wrong)
I have sat down with him on a number of occasions, but he is on a different planet to the rest of us. He aproaches it all in generalisations and maybe's- not cold hard spreadsheets and facts like I would prefer.

Erm, no...can't think many people do live like irresponsible kids like this. If you hadn't had savings to shore up this 'investing' what would he have done? Time for grown up discussion.

bubblegumpop repossession unlikely, but only likely to bankrupt him if in negative equity- not in negative equity on any of houses- or even close to.

But take on board words of caution.

Agree with 6 of 1. In my defence- this started a long time ago (24yrs) and I was but a kid- I just let him go ahead and have been ever since- trusting him implicitly as you do when young and in love.
Am now 41 and realise possible problems- plus the slow down in the property market has made things harder.

OK there are certain things that you need to be controlling about, and finance is one of them (gambling, booze, sex are 3 others that immediately spring to mind). You cannot afford not to be controlling about your finances. Being married means that his debts are your's, so you can't not be in control of them.

Won't agree to a budget? Sorry, pathetic. Not adult behaviour. He needs to understand that your position is reasonable - that you have the right to have an equal say in finances, because if you lose your lovely house and 6 acres, this will affect you just as much as him, so he has no right to make unilateral financial decisions. If he refuses to acknowledge this, then it's financial abuse. Sorry.

ok. so you know what he's like. so far none of the properties are in neg equity.

so you need to cut yourself out of the equation WRT financing his monopoly games.

change all your passwords to your accounts. he must have no access to your money.
refuse all paperwork he asks you to sign. tell him that you are out of the property game.
cal your bank and tell them that under no circumstances are they to take instruction from your DH regarding any loans/mortgages/overdrafts or financial transactions in your name.

but most importantly tell him you are not doing any of this anymore

you know what i actually cannot believe i am sitting here typing advice to someone who has several properties as a hobby when i have 63p to live on till monday.

your husband's a tool and you are an idiot for agreeing to it all. thank your lucky stars it hasn't gone tits up by now.