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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SO SHOCKED

568 replies

dustystarry · 15/10/2011 02:13

Found out today that dh been having affair for a year. I had no idea. 12 yr old dd found out
looking at a phone he had borrowed cos his was broken. I feel completely shocked + numb. Always thought Id know but I had no idea at all. Our ds 11 has Sn and is really challenging to live with. I battled through oblivious to dh fixing his feelings with another women. Not been on MN for years + had even cancelled my membership but cant sleep + didnt know where else to go :(

OP posts:
GeraldineAubergineZombieBalls · 15/10/2011 02:17

I'm v sorry can't leave this unanswered

StumpyStumped · 15/10/2011 02:23

Hey Dusty, are you still there? That is a terrible thing to deal with. Want to offload?

NatashaBee · 15/10/2011 02:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NatashaBee · 15/10/2011 02:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onwardandupwards · 15/10/2011 02:27

so sorry to hear this, have been there and it really hurts and nothing anyone says helps xx

Original poster
dustystarry · 15/10/2011 02:29

Feeling numb + broken at the same time. Poor dd been in a state all day cos she didnt want to tell me what she'd seen this morning. I didnt know anything at all till 4 pm today + then I lsughed it off I was so sure she'd misunderstood. Ds has AS and ADHD + is really hard work ++ can be very aggressive + violent. Ive been struggling to cope as so little support available now due to cutbacks. Really didnt need this too :(

OP posts:
Original poster
dustystarry · 15/10/2011 02:35

Yes he knows. I am not a suspicious or jealous person so my automatic response was there haf to he some innocent explanation for the messages dd had seen + since dh was at a meeting I couldnt find out till he got home. I asked him about the phone fully expecting an innocent if bizarre explanation but when I went to look at the messages he stopped me and I knew my poor dd was right.

OP posts:
onwardandupwards · 15/10/2011 02:37

the numb feeling will go. does your dh know that u know?

StumpyStumped · 15/10/2011 02:40

Is she feeling a bit calmer now? I really, really hope that it is a lot less than it could be. Not that that makes it better, just not... worse, if you see what I mean...

Thzumbazombiewitch · 15/10/2011 02:41

Oh bloody hell Dusty - so sorry that you have this on top of everything else.

What was your DH's reaction? does he want to leave or does he want to sort things out and stop the affair, make your marriage work?

Your poor DD - do make sure she feels blameless in this, won't you. :(

onwardandupwards · 15/10/2011 02:43

try not to make any rash choices and take care of yourself. my ex dp fathered 5 children behind my back and the hurt left me broken so know exactly how u are feeling xx

OhMyGolly · 15/10/2011 02:43

Oh I am so sorry Dusty, sorry for your poor dd too, I can't imagine seeing that at 12 and having to break it to you. She must be a very brave girl. It's very early days, just let yourself feel what you must Sad.

tallwivghoulies · 15/10/2011 02:45

Oh Sad

just a big hug from me. How awful dusty. People will be here to help you x

Original poster
dustystarry · 15/10/2011 02:45

Yes. I told him to leave. He's at his Mums. He says he loves me and always has and that she was an escape from the stresses of our life with ds. I believe him but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to trust him again. Ds needs have resulted in me having depression + I know Ive not had much time or energy for "us" but we'd talked + I thought we were strong enough to get through but apparently not. I feel such an idiot. She has no car so he's been dropping her ho+e to save her from an hours walk for months + I thought nothing of it. I even said he was right to do it. Dd mentioned a couple of times how long he'd been but at that time of day i wad so tired plus i trusted him. I cant believe its real - feels like im in a film watching someobe elses life

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Original poster
dustystarry · 15/10/2011 02:52

No rash choices. I still love him + I understand why he was tempted. She is young and lovely and beautiful. I am 40, overweight + exhausted. What I dont understand is how he can have let this happen + go on for a year if he loves me as much as he says. He says Im the one ge wants to spend the rest of his life with and thats never changed. He says he had strong feelings for her but they dont compare to what he feels for me. I to believe him but he's spent the last year lying so Im really confused.

OP posts:
Thzumbazombiewitch · 15/10/2011 02:56

Not surprising, Dusty.
If he stays at his mum's, then that's a good start. If he moves on to Hers, than that's obviously Very Bad.

If he really wants to sort things out then you have to lay down what you expect from him for it to happen - which will generally involve things like instant cessation of contact with OW, change job if necessary (if she's a colleague), go to Relate or other counselling (with the stresses of your lives with SN, other counselling may be more appropriate).

He's got away with it for a year - now he's been found out, it's really up to him how he manages it - but the first thing (for potential salvage) is that OW has to go.

Thzumbazombiewitch · 15/10/2011 02:58

Oh and by the way, your title was exactly right - you are IN shock. And will be for a couple of days yet, probably (if not longer). So if you think you are reacting too calmly just now, it may get a bit more hectic soon.

StumpyStumped · 15/10/2011 03:01

I agree with Zombiewitch - sometimes people have to make a stupid mistake to realise just how stupid, and just how much of a mistake, it is.

Not playing down in any way the misery the mistake causes, just saying it can be a real wake up call to that person to start paying more attention to what matters most to them. Fingers crossed that that's what will happen for you (if that's what you want).

onwardandupwards · 15/10/2011 03:01

dont know why, the only person who can answer that is him. please dont put yourself down, u have had a lot to deal with i am sure u are lovely x

Original poster
dustystarry · 15/10/2011 03:05

I know I have some seriously tough days ahead. Im in shock right now so dont really know how I feel. Not looking forward to the shock wearing off tbh. Ive been near crisis point the last few weeks with ds + not sure if I'll cope once I start to really feel my emotional response to all this. It was our 14th wedding anniversary on tuesday. Dh worked late so dd made us a special dinner last night. No wonder he felt sick + struggled to eat it.

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Original poster
dustystarry · 15/10/2011 03:11

Right now I think I want us to make it work. I know that the stress Ive been under has made me push him away + thats hurt him. Im not blaming myself. We both brought our relationship to this point but he's the one who risked everything to make himself feel better. Not sure I can ever get the trust back though + if we are to get through this I need to find a wsy to build that trust again.

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onwardandupwards · 15/10/2011 03:12

if i could give you a hug i would,just go with what u feel dont rush yourself and its ok to cry xx

Original poster
dustystarry · 15/10/2011 03:19

He says its already over. His boss found out + moved her to another store. He says he ended itthen realising what an idiot he'd been but this all happened in the last couple of weeks so who knows. Without a doubt a complete cessation of all contact with her will be a conditon og him coming home. I really want to believe him + trust that it was a stupid mistake that he regrets + won't repeat but Ive spent the last 15 years trusting him implicitly + he's completely destroyed that trust. Im scared to trust him again. I no longer trust my judgement.

OP posts:
Original poster
dustystarry · 15/10/2011 03:22

Thanks for all the messages. Its been so long.since I was last on MN. I feel less alone being able to talk to someone in the middle of the night.

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StumpyStumped · 15/10/2011 03:24

You say he took his 'phone away - does that mean you didn't get to see anything? Only if your DD saw something today, it was either stored or very recent. And very recent doesn't chime with it having ended in the last couple of weeks.