SO SHOCKED

[dustystarry]

Found out today that dh been having affair for a year. I had no idea. 12 yr old dd found out
looking at a phone he had borrowed cos his was broken. I feel completely shocked + numb. Always thought Id know but I had no idea at all. Our ds 11 has Sn and is really challenging to live with. I battled through oblivious to dh fixing his feelings with another women. Not been on MN for years + had even cancelled my membership but cant sleep + didnt know where else to go :(

Adrenalin/shock get you through the first little while and you don't feel too bad... then they wear off and reality settles in, that's when it hits you :( It's shit x

However, as I said before, you are handling this really, really well and I can tell by the way you post that you will be OK. You'll have your good days and your bad days, you good moments and your shit moments, but you will come out of this stronger & happier. Have faith in that OK x

It's ok to feel sad & angry. A good cry does no harm if you feel lime to now and then. It's all natural, and you'll be fine.

Thanks. Slept well after taking one of the pills the GP gave me. Hopefully today will be another good day. Still feeling wobbly but Im working this morning so hopefully that will help.

It is shit, those dark moments when reality hits you....remember that its a phase and you will survive.

I would really recommend reading Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends as there is a good section about what the betrayed party may be going through.

I looked when I was in the bookshop yesterday but they didnt have it. Think I'll order it off Amazon today.

Good idea - I couldn't find it in bookstores either.

Hope you have a better day and that work proves to be a distraction.

Oh dusty, I got something similar going on....it's the pits. Bit sleep-deprived myself, so sorry if I've missed it, would oh consider Relate?

Hi Dusty,
have just read your thread, SO sorry to hear you are having a bad time.

Big hugs to you ,DD & DS.

I know how you are feeling as went through very similar back in June. You do feel like the world is carrying on around you and you are just looking out of the window at everybody else. Be good to yourself & DCs, make sure you eat & sleep as you will need all your strength and wits about you.

You sound like you want to make a go of things (so did I) but at this stage,unfortunately the ball is very much in his court. I felt like I had been judged over the previous very many years and was being weighed up against someone he didn't really know that well but felt was better than me (but I didnt get a chance to put my side of things). They say love lust is blind!

I strongly feel you need to go for counselling ie Relate. How will his parents react - will they encourage him to return to you and try to make a go of it?

Keep posting dusty, MNers will support you through this.
x

Hopefully work will give you a bit of a break from thinking about it - sometimes you just need that bit of enforced head space!

Well work had helped but got urgent call at about 10.30 as ds had.done a runner. Went to school and they were frantically searching the grounds and nearby gardens so I followed the route home and found him about 2 miles from school :( He was distraught but coupdnt really say why. I took him back to school and Im hoping he was ok after. No phonecall so fingers crossed.

Oh dusty....I have tried to talk to my daughter, without giving unecessary detail. Do you think he'll talk to you about it eventually?

Oh how scary! I'm glad you found him quite quickly (although I bet it felt like forever!!).

Maybe he'll talk to you tonight.

Is there a counsellor or therapist at his school who can talk to him? If he is ASD then he probably doesn't even understand his feelings. My eldest DS was about 2 weeks away from taking his GCSEs when "D"H walked out and . His counsellor at school really helped him process his feelings (basically he wanted everything to go back to normal and his stepfather home) - he didn't do as well as expected in his exams either so DH's affair had ramifications all through the family.

If I am honest it was the devastation of the DC that made me fight for my marriage - they were all severly effected by their DF leaving (the youngest who was 4, used to hang onto his leg as he was leaving crying "Stay forever daddy" ) - DH still left to go to OW though .

He doesnt really understand. A combination of being an 11 yr old boy + his AS means all he knows is he doesnt like whats happening + wants things back to 'normal'. School are pretty good but there is no counsellor as.such. The senco does pastural care and apparently he did go to her office but she was in a meeting. The Head had said that ds should.come to him if the Senco is busy - even if he is in a meeting. Ds ok at school pick up but the stress of the day has made me feel really low. My head feels like its going to explode - I guess this is a bit like how ds feels when he gets sensory overload :(

The ramifications are huge arent they counting. I rang dh to tell him that ds had run off + agwin to say he was safe. He sounded quite choked on the phone. I think the reality of how far reaching the consequences of his behaviour really are. Ds needs full time 1:1, he is.very impulsive + has little awareness of danger so him running alone along busy roads whilst highly distressed is obviously very worrying. Thankfully he's fine.

I know how you feel Dustystarry, I was so hyper that my counsellor was worried I was becoming psychotic. It was just all the adrenaline buzzing about with no appropriate outlet.

Don't forget your feelings will swing from one extreme to another, it is normal. I tried to relax in a bath every night when the DCs were in bed. Tried to keep the house peaceful (hard with ASD I know )

Take care.

Thanks counting x.

Wiseowl his parents would like him to come back.to us but want to give him the support + space to make the right decision. We are going to go to counselling - both together + seperately. Sorry you're going through the same thing - its so sad that its so common :(

What have you told your DS about his dad going - with our young DCs, we told them that daddy was feeling poorly and was staying with Grandma to have some peace but would come back on certain days to help mummy and spend time with them. Our eldest knew exactly what had happened and because of the ASD, was very full on and abusive to dh (fully deserved I have to say). DH had to put a lot of effort into repairing that relationship.

It was probably the traumatic time of my life, even having a child diagnosed with autism was not as traumatic. It has taken a long time to heal properly, I was angry with DH for literally running away, did he not think I wanted to runaway too but would never have done that to the DCs. I am so much more selfish now, I no longer work so I have so muh more me time. Took up horse riding again after a 20 yr break and this spring got my mare (needed a girly pony that I could deck in pink with so many boys in the house). She costs a lot of money to keep but the pleasure she gives me is immeasurable and DH knows this and understand it. The peace and serenity I get from my rides around the woods and bridlepaths cannot be quantified.

Autism is so hard to live with and having done so for the last 18+ yrs with DS1 and now DS3, I now recognise how much I have had to cope with. I was a single parent with DS1 until he was 6, he has been in special schools all his life and is due to leave his sn college next June having completed an Extended Diploma (equivilant to A levels) - this is almost unbelieveable if you saw the little boy at 3 who couldn't talk and just spun wheels all day .

Don't forget what a strong woman you are, coping with everything and give yourself credit.

Treat yourself to some tonight and a good comedy film or programme - I can thoroughy recommend The Inbetweeners in you can find it on the telly somewhere. It really does make you feel better to have a good laugh.

I know exactly what you mean about the running away. I am going to be more selfish from now on and make sure my needs are met too.

I love the Inbetweeners its hilarious. Love the wine emoticon too - MN has changed in the years Ive been away - still some great people on here offering support though thank god x

Crap day today :( Feeling sad + angry. I think I might be raging if I wasnt so exhausted :( Drove past where she works today. It was unplanned - I was going to look at some furniture shops and it was only as I got close that I suddenly realised where I was. Had an urge to stop + go in so I did. I was feeling calm (ish) + strong. She wasnt there. Not sure if I feel.relieved or.disappointed.

Oh dusty, so sorry that the crapness has caught up with you. Also glad that the OW was not in the shop - I doubt it would have done you any good to see her, tbh.

Really, really sorry to hear about your DS doing a runner too, that must be so scary and adds in another level of stress to the whole situation! I really hope your H is fully understanding and feeling the implications of his actions now.

Is there anyone, the SENCO for example, who can give you any further advice on how best to handle this situation for minimum impact for your DS?

Our Senco is a.bit crap tbh. I dont trust her. My mum was a senco till she retired last year so I'll ask her today.

Dusty our SENCO is a bit crap too. Butwhen I put this on another thread, all the teachers came on and flamed me...doesn't stop it being true though. We're talking about individuals here, and it seems you and I drew the short straw...

How are you today?

I don't get why some teachers take on the SENCo role when it's simply not for them, IYKWIM.
Good luck with it all Dusty.
Lurking and (silently)cheering you on.

Hope your mum can help then, Dusty. Does she know about the rest of what's going on?