Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SO SHOCKED

568 replies

dustystarry · 15/10/2011 02:13

Found out today that dh been having affair for a year. I had no idea. 12 yr old dd found out
looking at a phone he had borrowed cos his was broken. I feel completely shocked + numb. Always thought Id know but I had no idea at all. Our ds 11 has Sn and is really challenging to live with. I battled through oblivious to dh fixing his feelings with another women. Not been on MN for years + had even cancelled my membership but cant sleep + didnt know where else to go :(

OP posts:
poeia · 15/10/2011 03:27

Sorry to but in but have been in a similar situation with my (ex)dp....found out about him visiting escorts and then an affair....blah blah....
But the thing that looking back shocks me was that very soon after, the situation was that I was doing the begging him to come back, not vice versa - and making excuses for what had happened, like it was somehow my fault....I just want to say that you don't need to change anything or feel responsible for his actions that he chose....
I found that I could not get over what had happened (there was a long back story too so I know every situation is different), but I was the one who had to deal with everything, the images of him sleeping with random women etc.

Remember you will get through this awful time.

Original poster
dustystarry · 15/10/2011 03:42

The messages were all from her saying she loved him + wished he could be hers. I didnt read them though. I was so shocked when he asked me not to + I realised why that I didnt even think about it. We talked for 5-10 mins + I told him to leave. He must have taken the phone cis its gone.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 15/10/2011 03:44

No advice for me to give but just wanting to let you know that I feel for you and your DD and your DS.

I don't know if it will help but he should apologize to your daughter. To have her world shattered like that and then to have to shattered her mom's world. No child needs to go through that.

Original poster
dustystarry · 15/10/2011 03:46

Thanks poeia. I know Ill get through it somehow + I honestly.dont blame myself. Our lives have been very stressful for the last few years due to ds needs but that doesnt excuse was he did. Nothing does.

OP posts:
Original poster
dustystarry · 15/10/2011 03:49

I told him that already mynewpassio. Poor kid said nothing + then went to pieces when she got to school. She didnt want to tell me + hurt me and she has already been worried about me as Ive been so stressed. Shes devestated :(

OP posts:
Thzumbazombiewitch · 15/10/2011 03:54

No nothing does excuse it. So what if he was feeling a little unloved? So what? It really fucks me off that men seem to think this is a valid excuse for an affair, that their DW doesn't have time for them any more. No, that's right - she is devoting her time to the child who needs her, working on the reasonable assumption that he, as an adult should be able to deal with it!

I think if the messages were mostly from the OW to say that she loved/missed/wanted to be with him they could feasibly have been over the last 2 weeks since she was transferred (and good on the boss for transferring her!) - he may not have overtly told her "it's over*, kust relied on not seeing her and lack of easy opportunity for it to fizzle out. In other words, it might have finished in his mind but he's just avoiding the Scene that may ensue if he tells her outright.

Contrition on his part is necessary. Full acceptance of his guilt, his weakness = good ways to consider there might be something to save.

Original poster
dustystarry · 15/10/2011 03:57

Going to try to sleep now. Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
StumpyStumped · 15/10/2011 04:00

Night, Starry. Hope you get some rest.

LoveBeingAWitch · 15/10/2011 04:10

I feel so sorry for you poor dd, she is never going to forget this. This is the sort of thing that can really screw up a kids perspective for life. Please make sure she can talk to you about how she's feeling, she's gonna feel guilty but needs to know it's none of fault and that she did the right thing telling you. Please try and make a fuss of her.

And yes yiour dh must apologise, not just fir the affair but fir putting her in such a horrible position.

Do not make a decisions right now cause you are in shock. Hope you get some rest.

Thzumbazombiewitch · 15/10/2011 04:10

Night Dusty - if you wake up again, I'll probably still be here (am in Australia and it's early afternoon here). x

carantala · 15/10/2011 04:16

So sorry dustystarry but you will get good advice and support from MN. Helped me enormously. Best wishes!

Original poster
dustystarry · 15/10/2011 07:58

I didnt sleep much and Im still numb. DD isnt here. She was so upset last night and really needed loads of hugs and reassurance and I knew I wasnt going to be able to focus on her like she needed so her best friend and her Mum came and took her to theirs. DS has gone to my Mums so I can have some space to think and try to work out where we go from here.

I told her that none of this is her fault but of course part of her blames herself. When she told me she said she was worried that she would be hurting me and breaking up our family. I was convinced that he had done nothing at first and reassured her that no matter what the truth was it was not her fault and if he'd been unfaithful it was entirely his fault and no-one elses. I was so sure when i spoke to him I'd be able to laugh with her at her over-active imagination but sadly she was right and i'd been blind for the last year.

OP posts:
BellaDonnaSansMerci · 15/10/2011 08:12
Sad

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My circumstances are not even close to yours but I found my P has been having an affair for a year too. I have some understanding of where you are... I know it hurts and is genuinely shocking but please, please don't think you've been foolish. You trusted him - you had no reason not to.

There are people on here who have successfully overcome affairs. You can do it if you both want to. For now, though, be kind to yourself. x

countingto10 · 15/10/2011 08:30

My story is very similar to yours although I have 4DS (2 with ASD) so know the awful pressure we are under. DH had a 3 month affair which culminated in him moving in with OW for six weeks.

Right now you are in shock and your emotions will swing from one extreme to the other. You need to see some action from your H now and I would suggest he takes some emergency leave from work (his boss already knows so it will be no surprise) and he comes and looks after your DS so you can get some space and peace - he's had a year of escaping from it Hmm.

Make no life changing decisions as this time (3 months on is generall thought of as best when things have settled). You may find Relate very useful but give it a few weeks as you are too traumatised atm and with hindsight, me and DH went too soon.

Try and get hold of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and check out this site - I found it very useful in the early days (helped me through some very dark nights). I also phoned the Samaritans at 2.00am one morning to talk to someone as I was feeling that back.

One day at a time, and be selfish now, think about what you want and how you want your life to change - we give up so much of ourselves to our families and we lose ourselves in the process Sad.

This article may help you too, get some insight into things.

Take care and be kind to yourself - you may find you won't have a weight problem after all this (most of us seem to lose copious amount so weight following discovery - about the only silver lining). BTW we are 2.5+ years on now and stronger than ever Smile

Xales · 15/10/2011 10:53

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Take all the time you need and want to decide what you want to do. Find out where you stand legally and financially. Don't be pushed into making and decisions because others are pushing you too or because others 'think you ought to'.

Please go to an STI clinic and get yourself checked Sad

There are plenty of very wise women on here to offer suggestions and advise, don't cancel your membership again Wink

Good luck.

Xales · 15/10/2011 10:54

*any decisions sorry!!

seriouschanger · 15/10/2011 11:27

Dusty I think he is telling the truth...being mum also of SN child over weight nearly 40 exhausted etc our self esteem is gone our lives consumed in SN world no time for a partner other dc as it is 24/7. This however no excuse for dh behaviour makes it shittier in a way...as you have been coping alone.

If you can work it out go get counselling and like said by OP he changes job or girl moved like he says etc no contact...it will take a long time to build up trust again...in mean time make dh take ds a lot for you to have breathing space to think and rest...

It is hard with the behaviours on own...I know and ds still young.
But this is about you now and can you forgive....this is hard...but can be achieved. He sounds like he is trying to mend things asap though and not being anymore of an idiot than he already has been...maybe it has shocked him more than you...losing the best woman he would ever be with.

Men are not as strong as women with dealing with illness and SNs and often bury there heads or escape the stress....

Take it slow at your level...

TheOriginalFAB · 15/10/2011 11:37

I am so sorry for you and this has happened to many MNters so you will get lost of support from people who have been through it and are at a different stage along to you.

It is vital that your husband apologies to his children and makes it crystal clear to them that none of it is their fault and your dd did a brave thing in telling her mum. She did the right thing. HE did not.

Don't rush to make any decisions. Whatever the reason for you and he not being on the same page it does not excuse what he has done. Wedding vows do not say forsaking all others unless my wife doesn't attend to my every need.

Take care and accept all and any help and support your family and friends can offer.

BTW is it only over for geographical reasons??

Original poster
dustystarry · 15/10/2011 15:26

Thanks to everyone. Particularly to countingto10 as your post gives me.hope. I want to trust him + I think I believe him but after 18 months of lies I dont trust my own judgement. We have spent the last 3 hours switching between silence + talking. I knew he hadnt been 100% honest yesterday + I really hope he has now had the sense to remedy that. I still love him but Ive always known Im.strong enough to cope without him - pretty much been doing that the last couple of years anyway. I want us to find a way through this atm and although I know I am going to have days where I hate him + want to hurt him like he has hurt me I really hope that the love Ive believed in for 16 years is strong enough to get us.through this and that maybe we will end up stronger + better for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
dustystarry · 15/10/2011 15:34

Its not ended for geographical reasons. Shes only moved to a store 3-4 miles away. Told him all contact of any kind has to stop for ever and he's agreed. He's invested some money for her that Ive told him he needs to pay back asap. I said he can speak to her for a few mins on the phone to explain how things are going to be from now on but that after that he can never have anything to do with her again. I know he still loves her and I just hope he's being honest with me and with himself when he says he loves me more. My heads all over the plave. None of this seems real.

OP posts:
DelGirl · 15/10/2011 15:38

so sorry you're going through this dusty, no more I can say really just thinking of you all, hugs to you and to dd too xxx

TheOriginalFAB · 15/10/2011 15:38

You have had your world turned upside down and of course it doesn't feel real.

Doha · 15/10/2011 15:38

Please make sure you are in the same room when he makes the phone call......

Original poster
dustystarry · 15/10/2011 15:47

Not sure I could stand that doha plus even if I was and he said everything we'd agreed to if he doesnt really mean it nothings going to stop him calling her again when Im not there.

OP posts:
Original poster
dustystarry · 15/10/2011 15:50

Hey delgirl. Long time no speak. Hope things in your life are good and you are happy. I still see kittypickle and sparkler plus chat via FB with Surfer from time to time xx

OP posts: