SO SHOCKED

[dustystarry]

Found out today that dh been having affair for a year. I had no idea. 12 yr old dd found out
looking at a phone he had borrowed cos his was broken. I feel completely shocked + numb. Always thought Id know but I had no idea at all. Our ds 11 has Sn and is really challenging to live with. I battled through oblivious to dh fixing his feelings with another women. Not been on MN for years + had even cancelled my membership but cant sleep + didnt know where else to go :(

He cannot "remain friends" with her. I have no respect for partners who want to "remain friends" with someone who has caused/contributed to huge amounts of pain for their own partner. It shows a diminished respect for the partner to even think that's possible.
True, he is the one who has broken his marriage vows and he is the one who is most at fault - but she contributed. She is emphatically not a friend.

I expect he just wanted to carry on having his little fantasy life with her until she left the country - I bet YOU would quite like to have your own little fantasy life where you don't have to deal with DS's problems on a daily basis too, wouldn't you! But you don't get that choice - and neither should he. The reality of the situation is that you are both parents to a demanding child with SN, as well as a DD who sounds fabulous - and he should be a man and a father about it, not a petulant child.

This line: "I want nothing more than to fall into his arms + for him to make all this hurt go away but hes the one thats caused the pain" - rang so many bells for me. It's almost incomprehensible - the one person who you should have been able to rely on to help you deal with any pain life throws at you is the one who has caused it, and it takes a while for your emotional brain to process that! Took me ages to get my head around it. :( But eventually I did and realised that at the time, hugs from him would have been tainted too - and in fact when I did get them, they just made me feel worse, because I could feel his guilt coming off him in waves and knew that he was only hugging me from guilt and sympathy, the fucker! He dared to feel sorry for me!

Your DD is going to feel the betrayal enormously as well - not only from having found the texts herself, but because he is her daddy and he has screwed up her home life. I know a woman who hasn't spoken to her own father in nearly 20 years, because he left her mother after 33 years of marriage. The betrayal was immense - and she never forgave him for it. I don't know that she ever will - and she was obviously a grown woman (with children of her own) when it happened. Is there a school counsellor at your DD's school who may be able to help her deal with her own feelings over this? She sounds like she would be unlikely to "burden" you with her feelings, because you already have so much to deal with yourself.

I hope that your H finds his priorities and understands that this is not the time for playing games, being arrogant or being a whiny spoilt brat (as in "why can't I have it allll??") - he needs to be contrite, feel the guilt, take the responsibility and Sort Himself Out.

Excellent advice here. hope you and your daughter are ok

Even if you are not planning on divorce at this stage it is worth speaking to a lawyer this week to find out what your financial position would be. It would also send a strong message to your H that you don't know if you can remain married. He needs to realise exactly what is at stake here as he stands to lose his home, family and most of his money.

So sorry to hear about your selfish cheating H - I know too well what you mean about the past 18 months being a lie, tainting all the good things that happened, such a horrible head fuck.

You have already received good advice, so all I will suggest is to read Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends - this came highly recommended on here and it really helped me.

Only posting to second, third and fourth the excellent advice you have had so far

You sound absolutely lovely, and you don't deserve this

I am so sorry for your dd

Look after yourself x

((HUGS)) for both you and DD.

For what it's worth, I believe him that it's not that he didn't love you or want to be with you, but when it was offered on a plate as a release from the stress of life with DS he took it. He's weak, but many people are. Weak doesn't necessarily mean inherently bad either.

I also think he's telling you the truth when he says if they hadn't been caught it would still be going on, but that being caught pulled him up short and made him realise what he was actually doing and what he was risking.

You are doing the right thing not rushing into any decisions. You are also being very sensible when you say that you don't need to hear him talking to her and that even if you do, there's nothing to stop him calling her again when you aren't around.

There is no point at all in policing his movements, monitoring his phone, laying down the law about things - because there is only any point in him being there if he wants to be there.

Tell him what your boundaries are and that if he steps over them it will be the end of your relationship. Tell him it's not a threat, it's a promise.

While he isn't living there, please make sure he is doing at least his fair share of looking after the kids. He needs to spend time looking after DS so that you can go out and start rebuilding yourself. It is hard with kids, it's bloody hard with a child with SN. He needs to give you the time to be YOU.

I know what you mean about understanding him being tempted as she's young, lovely & beautiful, while you are 40, overweight and stressed :( It's time for you to make him step up to the plate with DS so that you can find YOU again, so that you can feel lovely & beautiful again and not just frumpy stressed Mum.

He needs to rebuild his relationship with your DD. He needs to spend time with her and talk to her. He needs to explain why/how it happened and why he wasn't strong enough to resist it. He needs to tell her how he would resist it in future if the same thing happened. He needs to tell her that no woman ever needs to put up with this and how unbelievably fortunate he would be if you were to forgive him and take him back. He needs to tell her that she did the right thing telling you and that he is the only one to blame. He needs to treat her like the teenager she almost is and not like a small child. This will have a really huge impact on her life - not just now with Mum & Dad, but in her future relationships and he cannot be allowed to weasel out of dealing with this impact he has had on her life. Sweeping it under the mat is not an option.

I am sure you can get through this together... so long as you both want it and it sounds like you do.

Good talk today. I think he really listened. He's agreed to everything Ive asked for without once getting defensive or angry. Told him he has some serious soul searching to do + that he needs the help of a counsellor for this. I only want him back if after working with the counsellor he can honestly say its me he wants. Not the life we've built up or the kids or anything else he stands to lose if we break up but just because he's really still in love with me and she was just a terrible, stupid and supremely selfish mistake. It'll hurt like hell if that turns out not to be the case but better that I find out now than waste any more time on a man who doesnt love or deserve me.

I'm glad you had a good talk. I hope he's actually taken it all on board and goes go and talk to a counsellor. Don't mention it again - actions speak louder than words and he needs to do this off of his own back.

Yes - better to find out the truth now :/

You can rebuild a relationship after an affair - but it has to be built on new foundations and it has to be built by both of you.

I hope you can get some sleep tonight.

hey dusty, sorry to hear you're having such a crappy time of it. i really hope you can get it sorted out and come out the other side. sounds like as a family you have a lot on your plate.

Stupid phone! The last few hours messages only came up after my last post. There's been no whining or poor me or justifications. He has been completely accepting of everything I have said and appears contrite and to take full responsibilty for this mess. He's sorted it out so he won't have to work such long days so he can be there either to have breskfast with the kids + ttake them to school or to come over after he finishes working an early shift + spend time with them. Im going to get one of thosr fsmily planner type calenders so we can organise things properly and book the times in when he will be there so we all know in advance. Ive given him his keys back so he can let himself in at 7am on the days he comes for breakfast + I csn have a proper lie in. He has agreed that he will not just turn up or let himself in unless we've previously arranged it. For now although its still his house its not his home. Its mine + the kids home + he has to respect that.

I told him I was going to take 1000 out of our savings to do all the things around the house that need doing including redecorating the master bedroom + replacing the bed + sheets etc and he is fine with this. He offered to help with the devorating but I told him it needs to be something I do without him so that if for any reason we dont end up back together I will at least feel the bedroom etc is mine + not something we created together.

He spoke to her this morning and told her that thecan never be any kind of contact between them and he's left the mobile she gave him with his boss to give back to her. His bosd will also pass on the money he invested for her. Ive said I want him to have a new phone number so she can't contact him again + he's happy to do this.even if we have to dump his current contract + lose money on the remaining time.

He also agreed that we could.change the savings account to require both our signatures to withdraw or transfer money so that if things get acrimonious neither one of us can do anything silly. I dont think either of us would do something like that but figured its better safe than sorry.

She hasn't been in your bed has she??

Good idea with the money - better safe than sorry. Personally I would have put it into an account in my name and told him it would stay there until this was all sorted out, but you have been more self controlled!

He swears it was only once but it still makes me feel sick. Ds has broken the base by jumping on it anyway so instead of fixing it I'll replace it. Almost looking forward to decorating the befroom as its not been decorated since we moved in 14 yrs ago. Just wish it wasnt under these circumstances.

Jesus fucking christ what an utter utter fuck muppet. That is just the lowest of low.

Enjoy decorating your room and buying a bed & linen etc - but to be perfectly honest, I'd do it as cheaply as possible and save the rest of the money. I can almost guarantee that you will want to change it again after a little while as it will always remind you of this period in your life, no matter which way it goes :(

Im not going to spend it all on the bedroom. The lounge and hall need doing as well as the bathroom + toilet. I'll need to spend it all to get it all done. Dh always been a tightarse about money so lots needs doing. Especially as ds has ripped wallpaper + broken doors throughout the house. You're probably right about me wanting to change the bedroom again but thats ok.

It will be nice to get the house fixed up a bit and take a bit of the control back.

It's 2am - I think both of us should try to get some sleep! (assuming you are in the same time zone!!). I hope you can get some sleep. I'll be back in the morning.
x

You're right chipping. I was feeling panicky earlier but I feel calmer now. Maybe I'll actually be able to get some sleep. Thanks for the chat :)

Good Lord, he actually used your bed?? He really wasn't thinking right at all. :(

I am glad that he has agreed to everything, including getting rid of the phone, changing numbers etc. I would actually make him do that, if I were you - don't decide to let it go because he's agreeing to everything else.

It does sound as though this has all been a big wake-up call for him to realise what he was risking - but time will tell how long his repentance lasts. And of course the counselling will have to take place, regardless of how things evolve between you - because never mind this time, he needs to sort himself out to make sure that NOTHING Like this EVER happens again (or even crosses his mind, actually)

Agree that you may want to change your bedroom again once this has passed - but make sure you get it how you want it now as well. No point in making a half-arsed attempt at it now, that will guarantee you hate it in a few months' time!

Get all the changes done asap - because it is fairly common that the first flush of guilt and repentance fades quite quickly, and with it go the good resolutions that the offending party has made. So capitalise on everything now while he's still penitent.

for someone who wants to save their marriage, you have dealt with this almost perfectly so far. Guilty partners should always know how close they came and should suffer some consequences. Well done

Sounds like he is doing everything he can to help you recover.

I bet it feels good to have taken control of the situation and putting yourself first for a change will do so much for your self esteem. Making your H do all the work in fighting for you will make him appreciate and respect you so much more.

Thanks everyone. The number change is about helping him too. I know him + even if he genuinely doesnt want her if it means losing me he will feel bad about hurting her + if she calls or texts (which at some stage she's bound to) he would want to ease her pain. This way I know she can't do that without him giving her the new number + if he does that then he's made his choice + he knows that.

I managed to get some sleep in the end. Unfortunately a well meaning but frankly thoughtless friend texted me at 6 to show her support!

It does feel good to take control. I need to rebuild mine and the childrens lives and these are the first steps.

Dusty, you are doing very well. Do you know this OW? Will she "bog off' or be clingy? My DH's believed (?) she had a "right' to my H as they ''were meant to be together". His message to her was loud and clear (that it was over), but she kept contacting him, on any pretext, for about 6 months after and to this day ( 2 1/2 years later ) she appears now and again. (They work for the same company but different depts). He completely ignores/avoids her.

Dustystarry

You have handled this so well, you should feel good about yourself for that. I hope you do.

Something like 80% of marriages where a child has Sn break down, did you know that? It's certainly risked mine in the past. Once your life has calmed a bit come find us on SN or PM me and there might just be something we can do to help? I think I might know you before (you know MN, so many similar names) but regardless, come find us if you need to. ASD is my MA field / family disorder but there's soemone ehre for everything.

Oh and- hugs.

Sending you best wishes too duststarry. I think you are doing all the right things - remember to get some legal advice too (this helped me very much because I then knew how any future alone would probably pan out financially etc).

about the bed and that she was in your house - they really do not think. My DH drove OW about in my our family car - suffice it to say I got a lovely new convertible when things settled down a bit and he got the old people carrier (all his mates are a bit when they see my car compared to his (I am a SAHM)) - bit superficial I know but it made me feel better and was a sacrifice for him too.

Keep taking one day at a time and no rushed decisions. Me and DH went out on a lot of dates when we were seperated, he stayed over 2/3 nights to help with the dcs too as they were hard work (and traumatised). BTW I changed the council tax to single occupancy whilst he was gone too, sent a message a strong message to H too, that I meant business.