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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SO SHOCKED

568 replies

dustystarry · 15/10/2011 02:13

Found out today that dh been having affair for a year. I had no idea. 12 yr old dd found out
looking at a phone he had borrowed cos his was broken. I feel completely shocked + numb. Always thought Id know but I had no idea at all. Our ds 11 has Sn and is really challenging to live with. I battled through oblivious to dh fixing his feelings with another women. Not been on MN for years + had even cancelled my membership but cant sleep + didnt know where else to go :(

OP posts:
Thzumbazombiewitch · 15/10/2011 15:53

Dusty - I really hope that your DH means to do the right thing and actually does it. You sound like you are being very strong - and I hope that continues for you.

Take it in little steps for now - don't expect too much from yourself or your DH - you've had a massive shock and your reactions are going to be all over the place for a bit. He has to expect that and accept it - if he starts going into defensive mode, beware - then he'll start self-justifying and blaming - and that's a slippery downhill slope.

Landedgentry · 15/10/2011 16:39

This must have been a terrible shock and I feel for you and your poor daughter. Has he tried to contact her today, or has he been putting his own needs first again, in trying to get back with you?

I would be disinclined to have much sympathy for the "escape from stress of having child with SN" clause, unless of course you would have done the same during the past 2 years; after all, as your son's primary carer, you were under more stress weren't you? Could you have had an affair?

Affairs are often just about opportunity, not because life is especially grim. This one might be more to do with the fact that he couldn't say no when someone fell into his lap, than anything else.

I think you'll regret it later if you don't hear what he says to the OW.

MigratingCoconuts · 15/10/2011 18:36

It would also be a testiment to his commitment to you if he can stand the humiliation of having you in the room when he makes that call...

feeling for you and sending big hugs..we're always here

Aislingorla · 15/10/2011 20:38

Why phone the OW? Ask him to email her and you vet the email first?
Good luck. Your marriage can survive if you both want it too and 'she' is completely out of the picture.

PenguinsAreThePoint · 15/10/2011 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MigratingCoconuts · 15/10/2011 20:59

Penguins, your post is so sad Sad it really caught me.

...and you are absolutely right, of course. Its heartbreaking.

maleview70 · 15/10/2011 22:03

I would advocate some space first. As you have said he still loves her but in his words he loves you more. Clearly for the last year that has not been the case. Its a sentence that he knows you will need to hear.

The problem is that if he does still love her then it is extremely difficult to just repress that feeling. You will be grieving for your shattered relationship but like anyone who is in love and has to end a relationship, he will be grieving too for that relationship. The difference is he just wont be able to show it.

Rushing into Counselling and pretending everything is hunky dory might just repress his feelings and keep them hidden away. They could then re surface at a later date.

Personally if you do want to stay with him and of course that is your choice, I would tell him to move out intially to give you and him some space. I would state that he needs to address his feelings and be sure that he wants to be with you. There is nothing worse than someone saying it is over and then low and behold 6 months later he leaves you.

I think people rush these decisions sometimes more in desparation than anything. He should be encouraged to have individual counselling to address his issues and gain closure on this relationship. Only then should you address the issues you both have with joint counselling.

He has paid a horrendous price already for his actions and that is the complete loss of faith that your daughter will now have in him, probably forever, which could possibly affect her own relationships in the future.

Dont rush into anything.

Original poster
dustystarry · 16/10/2011 01:32

You make some very good points maleview. Im hurting so much + I still love him so it would be only too easy to take him back before either of us knows if its the right thing to do. He says he chooses me not her because he has always loved me more. He says he has 'strong feelings' for her but stops short of calling it love but I know it is. This has been going on for 18 months + only stopped because his area manager got suspicious + confronted him and since this only happened in the last 2 weeks its barely over at all.

Starting to feel really angry now. I want to shout at him for making me hurt so badly I can hardly breathe. He was here for 4 hours today + I was so numb I didnt shout once. Not that shouting will help really but I have so much anger building up inside its inevitable.

I miss him already. Hes been my best friend for 16 years. I want nothing more than to fall into his arms + for him to make all this hurt go away but hes the one thats caused the pain :(

I know I have to be strong though. You're right. He can't come back in a few days - he needs to stay away for a couple of months at least. We both have to be sure that its really me he wants (and not just that I 'win' because of the children and the home we've made together) Hs love for me wasnt enough to stop him risking everything for the last 18 months so maybe he doesnt love me as much as he thinks or as much as he says. Or maybe he loves her a whole lot more than he's admitting to me and to himself. He can't come back here until he knows and lets face it he could decide its her he wants afterall.

OP posts:
Original poster
dustystarry · 16/10/2011 01:54

He does want to make things right with dd but she didnt want to see him or talk to him at first so he had to respect that. She saw him just before he left this afternoon + punched him several times really hard. Then she gave him a quick hard hug with tears in her eyes before coming to sit next to me. He's said he's sorry but obviously he has a lot of work to do to mend their relationship. Theyve always been close + in a way I think that makes it harder as she is so angry with him that they may never get that back. Poor dd. She has enough to deal with having ds as a sibling. She faces violence + agression from him on a regular basis plus has to cope with often having less attention than she needs because ds. Needs take up so much of my time and energy. Thankfully she already accesses all the support available at her school so has a counsellor already who she can talk to about this.

OP posts:
paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 16/10/2011 02:07

Dusty, just wanted to give you my support at this time in the morning. Want to give you and your DD a huge hug.
I'm sitting down here in a quandry about my DH, don't think he actually had an affair, but he does have a woman at work who is quite obsessed with him and I'm struggling to deal with it. Can imagine your pain and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this on top of your DS's problems.

Original poster
dustystarry · 16/10/2011 02:12

Youre right penguins + Ive tried explaining that to him. He doesnt seem to grasp that everything that has happened since that first kiss that went too far has been tainted by his lied and betrayal. Nothing is what Id thought it was. We had the best family holiday in a long time this summer and I really enjoyed it. He can't see how his unfaithfulness turns all that into a lie. Everyday he thought about her. Maybe not all the time but it must have been a lot. He doesnt understand how knowing this now changes how I feel about that holiday and about every other day for the last 18 months

OP posts:
Original poster
dustystarry · 16/10/2011 02:15

Thanks paranoid. Its horrible not being able to sleep and just sitting/ lying here with all these thoughts and horrible feelings. Im sorry you're struggling too x

OP posts:
paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 16/10/2011 02:24

I know what you mean about the holiday thing. I agreed to go on our family holiday as planned but asked DH to have a full and proper break from work. He text her a happy birthday wish whilst also asking about staffing on his first day back. Coincedence much!Sad
My problems are miniscule compared to yours though, even 1/2 bottle rose and anti-d's not helping me sleep. But DD will be awake at 6 probably.
Take care.x

Original poster
dustystarry · 16/10/2011 02:30

Thanks paranoid. I hope you are able to get some sleep. Im going to try again now Ive offloaded some of my anger. Wine and ADs not helping here either. Think I may need a couple of weeks worth of sleeping pills to help me get through these next few days. Ill go see the Gp on monday ((hugs))

OP posts:
paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 16/10/2011 02:36

(((hugs))) night.x

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 16/10/2011 06:22

Up again at six, DD was in bed with me from 4.15am! Tired muchly! [Grin]
What kind of a night have you had dusty? Hope you got some sound sleep.
Going to your GP sounds like a good plan, mine has been v supportive, given me betablockers to try and calm down the panic when it rises.
Keep us posted.x

izzywhizzysfritenite · 16/10/2011 07:35

He doesnt understand how knowing this now changes how I feel about that holiday and about every other day for the last 18 months

Have you asked him to imagine how he'd feel if you'd had an affair with another man and it was ongoing while he was enjoying the 'best family holiday in a long time'?

Continue to vent your anger here or to RL friends because shouting at him will inevitably make you feel worse when he's not around - and because you need time to make sure your ammo is fully primed and guaranteed to hit the target when you let rip with both barrels..

Honey, the 'strong feelings' he has for Ms SleazyLay aren't coming from his heart or his brain. He's a stupid, deluded, dishonest twunt and his behaviour is contemptible.

My heart breaks for your poor dd. Tell the twunt to look after ds while you spend some much needed girly time out of the house, or away for a weekend, with dd in the near future because you both need something to put the smiles back on your faces - albeit until you return.

Original poster
dustystarry · 16/10/2011 07:41

Hi Android. I managed about 2-3 hours I think which is an improvement on friday night. Sorry you didnt sleep better xx

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feelingafailure · 16/10/2011 07:45

poor u.I would love to trust my hubby if i was u But.i think the hurt is so deep.I would wonder if his boss didnt find out would it had been over ? trying to be positive for you but he needs to justify himself to you and your children.x

Original poster
dustystarry · 16/10/2011 07:54

Loving your post Izzy. It perfectly matches the rising anger Im feeling.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read this thread + reply. I'm going to have to be careful that I don't get sucked back in to MN addiction as I have too much to deal with in RL to spend too much time hiding here. Its good to have somewhere to offload though - especially in the middle of the night. Not sure what the future holds but I do know that if. Dh and I get back together it'll only be when I'm ready. Gonna need the support from all my friends and family, plus that of the wonderful members of MN, to help me stay strong in the coming days and weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
dustystarry · 16/10/2011 08:08

He's admitted that it wouldnt be over if he hadnt been found out by his boss but swears that.his boss finding out made him realise it had to stop. He says he didnt want me to find out but had planned on making it up to me by doing all the things he should have been doing to support me for years. Since the last time he saw her was wednesday eve theres no way for either of us to know if he'd actually stayed away.from her from then on. The fact she gave him.her old phone so they could keep in touch doesnt bode well. He's arrogant enough to think they could be 'friends' after this so its possible he really believes that. Its also possible that he had no real intention of finishing it long term but needed to convince his work it was over. I asked him at what point he thought it would have ended if, as he says, he had never planned on leaving me but he couldnt (wouldnt?) say but I think in his mind it was going to carry on till she went back to Poland next year when she'd saved enough from working here to pay for a college course + put a deposit down on a house.

OP posts:
Aislingorla · 16/10/2011 09:14

He must break all contact with her in order to give his all to you. Has he emailed her yet?

MigratingCoconuts · 16/10/2011 11:08

Agreed...there is no compromise here. He must break total contact or you'll never be sure (its going to be hard to be sure anyway)

'remain friends' my big fat arse!!! Even if he thinks he means that, it doesn't sound like she would.

TheOriginalFAB · 16/10/2011 11:13

I can feel your pain coming through the laptop, dusty Sad. I am so sorry for you and your children.

You have done nothing wrong and neither have your children.

A break is the right thing to do if that is what you want but I think you need to set out ground rules. Any contact with her and you file for divorce, for example. I suggest you give him the option to bail now if you think he will see her as a get out.

I just wish there was something I could do to make you feel happy again.

Landedgentry · 16/10/2011 12:24

He might be telling the truth about once the boss found out, he knew it had to end. This was the first reality check and probably had the effect of pouring a bucket of cold water on the fantasy.

I think he's also telling the truth about loving you more. It's just that he probably got complacent about his feelings for you and this has made him realise how much he loves you and doesn't want to lose you.

You're right he is arrogant though. He probably thought this would all blow over eventually and he could go back to being a good husband, you would never know about it and it would have been a nice memory. He's arrogant enough too to think that the memory would be tainted if they don't stay friends.

He must cut her off completely. He must also tell her that he wants to stay with you because he's realised it's you he loves.