SO SHOCKED

[dustystarry]

Found out today that dh been having affair for a year. I had no idea. 12 yr old dd found out
looking at a phone he had borrowed cos his was broken. I feel completely shocked + numb. Always thought Id know but I had no idea at all. Our ds 11 has Sn and is really challenging to live with. I battled through oblivious to dh fixing his feelings with another women. Not been on MN for years + had even cancelled my membership but cant sleep + didnt know where else to go :(

BTW I think it is fantastic that his boss obviously does not condone extra maritl affairs - too many people these days are not prepared to stand up and be counted

"So what if he was feeling a little unloved? So what? It really fucks me off that men seem to think this is a valid excuse for an affair, that their DW doesn't have time for them any more. No, that's right - she is devoting her time to the child who needs her, working on the reasonable assumption that he, as an adult should be able to deal with it!"

I just don't understand the thinking that when they are faced with an exhausted, stressed, over-worked wife/partner who is so busy with the kids that they don't have time for the "relationship" anymore, that so many men think the answer is to seek 'comfort' and attention elsewhere, instead of investing more time into helping with the housework/kids so that their wife/partner actually does have time and energy to spend with them again. Sweet Baby Jeebus, is this really rocket science???

Sorry, anyway. Dusty, I can't advise you. Personally I don't think I'd take him back, love and respect go together, and shagging some tidy piece for a year behind your back is not very respectful. But only you can make this decision.

I wish you peace.

In response to green's post, I used to think and say that I would end the marriage if H was ever unfaithful.

I now realise that its not that simple, especially when the marriage had been a good one prior to the affair. One of the conditions I insisted on when I agreed to stay in the marriage was that H had to change his behaviour and address his character flaws which led to the affair - its actions not words that you need to be looking at.

Our marriage is now a different one and so far, its a much better and stronger marriage and we are much closer that we have been in a long time - its not an easy process though and it does take a lot of strength.

I find the fact that it continued for 18 months very difficult. If it had been a 2-3 month thing that he put an end to himself when he realised he was being a selfish prick I think i'd have found that easier to handle. I do still love him though and we were really good once. Everyone who knows us is shocked that of all the couples they know this is happening to us. We were the safe bet to make it. Maybe we still will.

You're right though madabouthotchoc its going to be tough rebuilding our marraige if thats what we decide to do and it'll have to be a different marriage as the last one clearly wasnt working. We are both responsible for letting our once good strong relationship get so fragile and we both need to look at and acknowledge the things we each did or didnt do to get us to such a sorry state. Don't think i am in any way blaming myself for his affair because Im not. We were both very unhappy but he's the one who decided to go out and make himself feel better by shagging someone else while I struggled on alone trying to cope with all the challenges of living with ds. Sometimes it was like being a single parent and when he started his affair he took away the part of himself that i needed most.

I feel quite positive today though. I feel I have made the right decisions for the moment and set things up so that the children and i will be ok whether he comes back to live with us or not. One thing good has come out of all this and that is he can no longer hide from the fact he needs to take a more hands on role with the kids and stop leaving it all to me. He's going to structure his time so he can be around a lot more while they are actually here and awake and do things with them instead of vegging in front of the TV with a beer. We are fortunate that the finance thing is not really an issue. The mortgage on our house is low and he earns good money. If he has to get a place of his own as well as support us its doable. We'd have to run a tight budget but thats fine. If he does all the things he has promised and keeps doing them long term then my life will be better and easier whether we get back together or not and that can only be a good thing.

Hey Peachy. Yes its me and Im as tent mad as ever. I deregistered a while ago so I couldnt get my old name back. I think I deregistered in support of you and something you were very cross with MNHQ about. Can't remember now as it was a long time ago and i wasn't using MN - you'd put something on your FB status. Hope all ok with you xx

Dusty - it's good to see you are in such good spirits today. You are doing really really well...

Everything you are doing and thinking is spot on - I'm very impressed.

As for your well meaning friend - I've had to start putting my phone on silent at night as some friends seem to think they should text at whatever time they're up in the night! (partying or breastfeeding) They all sleep like rocks so don't wake up if they get a text, I do! It's annoying, but it's a small price to pay for not being woken by them

(Greenmonkies - you quoted me because you were agreeing with what I wrote, right? just checkin'...)

dusty - good to hear you're feeling more positive and that you are beginning to see a way forward for yourself and the children, whether or not your H stays or goes.
Am a bit that he ever considered it was ok to veg out in front of the tv with a beer rather than taking a hand with the children or helping out with a bit of housework - I think the best rule of a good marriage I've heard (on MN, as it happens ) is that the most important thing is that both partners get the same amount if relaxation time. Sounds like he was the one doing all the relaxing! . (Sorry if I'm supposing too much from your brief comment there).

Am OK Dusty; I lose track of what MN name equates to what RL name (sorry!I used to know it well I know)- are you in the fanjos FB group? would suit you, most of the old SN crowd there now. We now own a souplpad BTW. Never though it would happen!

I think you are wise the way you are approaching this; this part 'If he does all the things he has promised and keeps doing them long term then my life will be better and easier whether we get back together or not and that can only be a good thing.'. I think you are right.

thinking of you lots Dusty what a huge shock, you are doing brill xxxxxxx

Ps Peachy...I want to be in the Fanjo's fb group!!! How? I used to be on the SN section and would love to say hi to the others x

You're not far off the mark thzumba. He never seemed to quite get his head around the fact that I never actually got a day off from my job of looking after the children. Even on holiday my job came with me. On his days off he wanted to chill and relax and although he did help out a bit it was always as a favour to me iykwim. I realised today that its always been a bit like that - from the "I'll change her nappy for you" comments that were supposed to make him Dad of the Year to grudgingly getting up on his day off to do the school run occasionally. Because he worked long hours and I was a SAHM I wasnt aware of how the amount of effort he was making so slowly decreasing as looking after the house etc was "my job".

Peachy: Im not in the Fanjos group. I was FB friends with you, 2shoes and a couple of others from the SN board through TTR.

Thzumbazombiewitch, yes, totally and utterly agreeing with you. My 11 year relationship ended 6 months ago, because Ex had an affair (after a few close calls with women he got to know through Twitter) and his reasoning was our relationship was dead because I "was always tired, and never had time for him". {read 'too knackered to have sex with him because he did fuck all and I did all the childcare etc'} and he still can't see that if he'd perhaps just helped around the house now and then, taken the kids out for breakfast a few times at the weekend so that I could have a lie in, sorted a babysitter and taken me away for a romantic weekend instead of some random tart, perhaps he might have got some of my attention.

Oh Greenie - that is shit :(. What a selfish cocking twunt he is. So sorry that he turned out that way.

TTR closed, if you FB me I can get you in Fanjos if you want? Bit more informal than TTR

Annie, are you on FB? Can you message me and I will pass over to mods?

eww horrid it had to happen like this, but glad you guys have found each other again

The thing is Thzumbazombiewitch and Dusty, this story is repeated over and over, scroll through the Relationship and Lone Parent boards and you'll see variations on this theme pop up with tedious and infuriating regularity.

I hate to get all Feminist and Political but it seems to me that there is still a huge streak of sexism running through society, looking after the kids is still mainly seen to be wimmins work, even if, like me, you have a paid job too. Even on the days when I was at work and he was off (shift working) he'd text me at about 3.30 and ask what was for tea, he just couldn't get his head around the concept that he could do it all by himself, I had to do it, even if I just told him what to make and where it all was in the kitchen. All the kids laundry, all my own laundry and most of his, all the food shopping, almost all the cooking, all the bedtime routine, it all fell to me. Every now and then he'd do a blitz and tidy and run the vacuum over the floor, but his idea od tidy was to just hide things, out spare room was literally full to the point that you couldn't get in it with stuff he'd just relocated when he was "tidying". I wish I was telling a unique story, but the sad thing is I'm not.

The long and the short of it is I'm living a much less stressed life now than I was 12 months ago, I still have to do all the domestic stuff, but at least I don't have a manic depressive man-child to look after as well, and once the kids are asleep my time is my own and I don't have to worry about whether or not his balls need emptying.

Thanks Peachy, have done

Hope you are ok Dusty xxx

Hi Anniebear. At the moment I am ok. DH came over after work and I went out after we both had a brief talk with the kids about how we were going to try to structure things for the time being. I went window shopping for new bedding and then went over to see some friends. Lots of hugs, plenty of chat and a little wine plus they even fed me too. I came home at 8 feeling good. I realised that in spite of the fact I have always thought of myself as quite selfish I have rarely put myself first in the last few years and even when i did I felt guilty about doing it. That has to stop. Its ok to put myself first sometimes - I deserve it.

I understand what you're saying Greenmonkies and if dh wasnt now accepting how shit he has been (regardless of the affair) and making no excuses and is actively showing how he plans to support me more and be a better dad I would not be feeling so positive about the future. But regardless of whether he comes back or not I know things will be better now. It will take some time and a lot of tears to get there but it will be worth it in the end. Today has been a good day and I need to hold on to that feeling because Im definitely going to have some dark days in the next few weeks. I'll need to remind myself then that how I feel today is what the future has to hold and that I will get there.

Hardest part of today was saying goodbye to dh. Its strange us being so polite and careful of each other. Its not awkward or false it just shows me how careless we've been for so long. I've told him we need to be careful of how easily we could fall back into being together. We need this time apart to work out what went wrong and why and what we each want for the future. Strangely we got on better today than for months. We've never really argued much but now I realise that recently we've not really talked to each other at all - not properly like we always used to.

Going to bed now and really hoping I won't need to call on MN in the night but its good to know i have somewhere to off load if I do.

Having another positive day. Thanks to everyone on here who has replied and offered support on here. Hope paranoid and others going through similar are ok today xx

Hi
It's so good to hear you doing so well :) You are handing this perfectly. Of course you will have some down days (either way) but as long as you can hold onto this feeling throughout, you will get there - no matter what happens
x

You're amazing - admire you for doing so well and for doing all the right things.

As Chipping says, these positive moments will help when you have a bad day.

I apologise if this isn't what you want to hear dusty but will share my own experience with you.

Boxing Day 2009 by DH of 10 years told me he had been having an affair with a woman from work, that he had made a mistakle, that it was over and that he wanted to make our marriage work. We were living apart at this point as, unknown to me, he had left me for her. After all the emotions you are currently feeling and several more that you will no doubt experience in the coming weeks/months, I decided to take him back for my own sake as much as DD's aged 4 and 5 at the time. We continued to live apart for the rest of 2010, spending as much time as possible together trying to rebuild our relationship and decorating our marital home ready for me and the girls to move back.

I moved home in December 2010, looking forward to a stronger relationship and a brighter future for us as a family. On 21st July 2011 I discovered that he had resumed the relationship with the woman from work. My world came crashing down and with it the world of my DD's now 6&7.

I believed him when he said it was a stupid mistake, I believed him when he said he loved me and wanted only me, I believed him when he said he had nothing more to do with her and now I am paying the ultimate price. My eldest DD is now blaming me for everything, screaming nightly abuse at me and making me feel like the worst mother in the world.

I just urge you to think very carefully about whether or not you can ever trust him totally again and whether your relationship can be rebuilt. If you do stay together then I truly hope it works out for you. x

Hi mollymoo. Your story is very sad :( Thank you for sharing it. It helps to keep my positivity in perspective x

I know he might not be being completely honest but I do think he's trying to be. Even after months of counselling there are no guarentees and I realise that. And who knows in 6 months time he.might still want to come home + I may be wnjoying life too much without him. Right now I still love him and want our marriage to work out and whilst I know I can never be 100% sure that if he comes back things will be different Ive tried to ensure as far as possible that he makes the.right choice for the right reasons. Its a risk but we were so good together once that if things continue to improve the way they have in the last few days then I think it'll be a risk worth taking. No decisions for a long while yet though

Had another good day + got lots done but crashing now :( Feel so sad + angry. Tbh I prefer the slightly manic "Im ok" feeling of the last couple of days. I knew at the time it wasnt going to last but it beats the pants off of feeling like this :(