SO SHOCKED

[dustystarry]

Found out today that dh been having affair for a year. I had no idea. 12 yr old dd found out
looking at a phone he had borrowed cos his was broken. I feel completely shocked + numb. Always thought Id know but I had no idea at all. Our ds 11 has Sn and is really challenging to live with. I battled through oblivious to dh fixing his feelings with another women. Not been on MN for years + had even cancelled my membership but cant sleep + didnt know where else to go :(

good luck tomorrow dusty. Maybe write down what you want to say or what you want H to do. It isnt easy because there is no formula to make things right again.

I'm already compiling my list Jax. Hopefully he's making one too.

Dusty - I would love you and H to get back together. I would love for it all to be happily ever after. Unfortunately I think those two things are mutually exclusive. I don't want to rain on your happy moment where you believe this is possible - but I can't ignore your post and I can't keep my mouth shut .

Do yourself a favour and read your posts from Monday & Tuesday - nothing has changed except a few cheap words when you mentioned divorce & solicitor. I know you want to believe his words - but you need to believe his actions.

Apart from the fact I love him I really can't see what I have to gain right now. He's making an effort yes but not enough to convince me he's worth taking another chance on

Yes - some people can rebuild their relationship after an affair and it's stronger than before - but it's rare. It's generally not when the affair has lasted as long as H's did and the partner who had the affair needs to understand the impact their actions have had on the relationship and be genuinely sorry and have absolutely no doubt about what they want. H hasn't been either of those. It is rare for it to work out when someone has had an affair in the past and has still not learnt their lesson.

Rebuilding a relationship after an affair takes an awful lot - it takes time, it takes commitment it takes understanding & responsibility. Your H is not showing any of those traits.

He says the right things - he makes you feel like it's all so possible then again he acts like a complete and utter twat. He talks the talk - as far as I can see, he's completely unable to walk the walk.

Sorry :( I'd love to just say 'that's wonderful' but I can't :(

Dusty - good idea re having a list, you may want to include things like transparency, boundaries and addressing the vulnerabilities which led to the affair (you may want to read the relevant chapters in Not Just Friends for more details).

I know ultimately DH would have to see a legal agreement as he'd have to sign it, but that takes time to get to that stage. I don't know but would imagine the solicitor will outline your options today and you might have several. What I'm saying is take time to mull these over in your head, without telling him exactly what they are so you are totally clear about them and which you would want to do if ultimately you/he decide your relationship isn't going to work.

If it does work then all you've lost is some of your time (and maybe a bit of money , not sure how it works). If it doesn't, you've gained time to think it over and some clarity of thought, without him breathing down your neck and trying to potentially influence what you think. For example I know you want joint custody for DS but what if H refuses to do that? What would happen in that case ? Some of the answers might not be what you want to hear but after this morning you will know what is or isn't a possibility. Yes, if you go ahead then DH would have to agree, but think carefully about telling him what's discussed straight away. Give yourself space is all I'm saying. Others might not agree with this but I know you take time to make decisions and just want you to have that chance with today's info.

I agree with Chippingneedssleep and having seen Wynken's later posts and her references to him being motivated by the loss of money and loss of freedom from his own son, maybe I was giving him too much credit by thinking that he was motivated by the loss of you Dusty. On reflection, I can't see how someone can change their position so dramatically within a few short hours yesterday. Either something spooked him or something external changed, perhaps a combination of both. Maybe now the OW's got her money, she's bailed - and maybe he could see his money and his freedom trickling away once you'd been to the solicitor. I'd be very sceptical that he'd had a Damascene experience within a few hours of telling you that he still didn't know if he wanted you.

Effectively what's happened is that he's turned up, convinced you that if your marriage had been in better shape he wouldn't have had an affair, got you to ring the counsellor to see you urgently and has veered you off track again the night before your solicitor's appointment.

I'm sorry but I think he's playing you - and succeeding.

Charbon - what you have just written makes sense esp since he changed his position within a few hours.

He needs to understand that the affair happened because of his character flaws and weaknesses and even if you were the perfect wife, the affair would still have happened.

I think one of the things you need to write into this contract of behaviour, Dusty, is that you need time off from your DS (obviously not in those words! but ykwim). So: if you do ultimately split, shared residency will give you that; but if you stay together, make sure you get at least one day a week off.

I think the counselling session is a good idea but agree that you need to play things close to your chest. Make sure it is all about what you need for things to ever work out between you and your H. Keep quiet about anything else - do not let yourself be pushed on what might happen if he fails to keep to his end of the bargain. And make sure you get the solicitor working on the financial agreement. At this first joint counselling session, make sure that your H gives you space to talk - if he monopolises it and makes it all about the affair, you will be lost. You need to make it about what YOUR needs are now.

You also need to remove any level of rose-tintedness from this situation - you need to think in cold hard facts, take the emotion out of it completely so that you can deal with the practicalities - but only while you are dealing with stuff. Be hard-headed, as though it were a business deal - and then at the end of the day, when you are on your own and not trying to sort everything out, you can deal with the emotional side of things.

I think you are doing brilliantly, and I hope you get the right outcome for you and your family - but to do that, you need to play hard ball now, without letting your H know what your game plan is.
And I know I'm using these metaphors, but remember this is NOT a game and I'm not suggesting that it is - this is a life strategy to get you through the next however many months/years.

I am being very dictatorial in this post, sorry! Just trying to access your cold hard-headedness :)

I could be very wrong in what I'm saying. But it is fair to say that he has managed to spend very little time looking after DS. And he is very tight with his cash unless it is to indulge one of his interests , usually about trying to make money by investments eg buying records. I could possibly be doing him a big injustice thinking this of him.

The solicitor was helpful and outlined my options. She says unless I want to make things far more official then I have done what I need to do for the moment by safeguarding my half of the savings and putting the benefits into a sole account that H can't touch or prevent me from accessing. DS SN will actually go in my favour should it go to court as being his carer severely limits my ability to work etc so I have a really strong case and I won't end up losing my home.

I can get an agreement drawn up now if I want but the solicitor was of the opinion that if H and I are attempting to find a way to fix things then this could be viewed as a premature or aggressive move on my part. Her advice was to continue with the counselling as planned and then if things deteriorate I can get an agreement drawn up then. She said that an agreement is not legally binding anyway and that only a court order held that power and we would need to be getting divorced for the court to issue something like this. She did say i should get copies of all the shares he currently owns and the records along with valuations so that he can't start selling his assets to keep me from getting my fair share. I will discuss this with H tomorrow and get him to go through it all with me so i actually understand the share stuff

I'm trying to keep the rose tinted glasses off I promise. Its hard not to feel a little bit hopeful though and that hope scares the shit out of me as it makes me so vulnerable. I'm going to do the counselling with h and see where we go from here. We only had one session together and that was only really a meet and greet session. H has had the other ones for himself. There is definitely a part of him that gets off on the individual sessions - well they are all about him after all . I think he got a bit carried away with naval gazing and figured he could leave the joint stuff till later but when i started talking about divorce he realised he couldnt just leave our marriage on the back burner while he indulged himself with the individual stuff. I'm going to take my time, use the sessions properly and then see how I feel about things as times goes on.

As for H having a damascene moment I also seriously doubt it. I do think that he was being defensive though due to me moving all his stuff out of the house, informing tax credits, giving back presents etc and talking about divorce. From what he said last night ( and yes i know he could be lying) he saw all my actions as a sign that I was not going to give him another chance and reacted to that. Although yesterday afternoon was horrible I think it helped him to realise that I am preparing myself and the children for the possibility of a life without him and not slowly removing every scrap of him from our lives because I'm not prepared to consider a future with him. However this is all conjecture and he could still be lying through his teeth for his own benefit. The way i see it the only way to find out is to go to the counselling sessions and take the time to see if he can walk the walk as well as talk the talk. So far he's not done a good job of that so he has some work to do to prove himself.

I've done exactly what i'd feared I'd do by coming back to MN and got far too involved with it again. Thank you to all the people who have taken the time to read my thread and post. It has been really helpful and I'm very grateful. However when MN starts to take up too much of the space in my life and my head I know I'm not using it in a healthy way any more and I can see myself heading back down that road. I'm not flouncing and I will be back sometimes but for now I need to focus more on my RL and get some balance.

Thanks everyone x

Delurking here, just wishing you well.

Also suggesting that you have a back up plan for childcare for your forthcoming trip, in case your husband is suddenly taken ill, changes his mind, whatever.

Dusty - sorry if you feel I've been too negative. You know where we are if you want us. Feel free to PM anytime. Much love - chippy.

Dusty - glad you've got what sounds like really solid good advice from the solicitor. Good luck with the counselling - but do feel free to come back and sound off here whenever you need to - it does help! Just stay away from the rest of the boards....

I'm jumping on here v after the event...but don't lose heart. Take some time to work out what it is you really want. I made what turned out to be the mistake of hanging on - for three years, in the end - thinking I was being forgiving and doing the right thing for my family, but he just abused it and carried on - even through counselling. Now I know I'm better off without him but I dragged the children through a whole period of uncertainty, and now it's all turned horribly bitter (he's back with that same woman, tho I still think it was a midlife crisis).
All I'm saying is, hang on to your self respect. 40? Great age. Overweight? So? You can change that. And YOU are the mother of your and his children. She's, frankly, a chancy tart who sleeps with married men...she's nothing, probably riddled with 'issues', won't change...and deep down he must feel pretty grim to be so shallow. So maybe use the time apart from him to build some self-esteem. Get some help with the kids, take up running. He may be genuinely regretful - but HE also needs to show what he's doing to come back to you.

Oh, and mine sold shitloads of assets while I dithered, too. So do listen to that solicitor....after all, even if you sorted out all the finances it's only understandable under the circs. If he means it he can still come back...

The STRENGTH of this woman just blows my mind. Her HONESTY about her past, and how she understands the pain she caused to another, the addiction of the affair - wow.

What a wonderful woman. I wish I had half the character you show, Dusty. Please let us know what happens to you, but this I know:

your H would never find another like you.