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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

should i let him know i know he's still seeing OW?

130 replies

abyssy · 05/10/2011 15:38

Hi all. My partner is still seeing OW even though we had agreed recently this would stop. I know this. It isn't just a feeling. I'm very worried about bring it all upo again because he has threatened me with leaving me with DS and I do need him. I can't sleep. It's even worse when I can't sleep because he's there beside me totally ignoring me and even mutter things in his sleep as though he's dreaming of her

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 05/10/2011 15:42

Oh love :( why do you think you need someone who treats you this terribly? And it is terrible.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/10/2011 15:43

You need him? Do you need the stress? Do you need to lie there at night wondering what he's dreaming about? Do you need your DS to grow up with a man that doesn't love his mother as his role model?

There are far worse things in life than being a single mum. Living with someone that doesn't respect you is just one of them.

CaptainMartinCrieff · 05/10/2011 15:44

You don't need him abyssy... tell him you know and ask him to leave. You will be okay. Sad

notevenamousie · 05/10/2011 15:44

Why does he 'threaten leaving you with DS'? That sounds like the preferred outcome to the whole situation, no? I don't think you need someone like this.

biddysmama · 05/10/2011 15:46

its the first time ive said this...;eave him, hes not showing you and your children the respect you deserve, hes carrrying on cos he knows you will let him. you need to be happy,you dont need him

very unmnetty ((hugs))

OchAyeTheNooPal · 05/10/2011 15:50

I'm sorry he's doing this to you and your DS. He's being an absolute shit and you don't need him. Please don't let him do this to you.

SnakeOnCrack · 05/10/2011 15:52

Well you clearly can't go on living like this. Think of the practicalities of splitting up- is it money or childcare you need him for? If it's money he is obliged to pay towards his child's upbringing..

Your life will be better without him!

Mabelface · 05/10/2011 15:54

Make a list of pros and cons, such as

Stay with him: completely lose self esteem and confidence, eventually thinking that no one else could ever want me and it's my fault that he does this to me.

Or

Kick him out: Regain confidence and self esteem, realise that this is his problem, not yours and he's a cheating bastard and you can do SO much better.

Shutupanddrive · 05/10/2011 15:55

You don't need that! He will carry on doing whatever he wants, as he knows you will put up with it! Please leave him, and take your Ds with you. There must be somewhere you can go? Family or friends?

ShoutyHamster · 05/10/2011 15:55

Oh believe me, you really really don't need him. I can guarantee that once you make that break, you'll wonder what took you so long. Your life will change for the better by about six million percent. You'll also be free to move forward, have new relationships with better, worthier people, rather than wasting precious time on a tosspot.

Dump the cheating pig.

HerHissyness · 05/10/2011 15:55

Love, you need to pack his bag for him and tell him to go.

This is the only chance you will have of him realising what he is doing and seeing the consequences of his actions.

You lie there and stay 'Mum' and he will have no incentive to do anything. At the moment he is a dog with 2 dicks, why on earth would he stop what he's doing?

((hugs))

Pakdooik · 05/10/2011 15:58

Sorry to hear this. The only way forward is through the door - show him where it is!

Original poster
abyssy · 06/10/2011 08:57

Thanks. I do have my faults though. I don't want him to leave. He gets on sometimes. I'm not strong enough to show him the door but it's a recurring thought.

OP posts:
biddysmama · 06/10/2011 08:59

if it was my husband the locks would have been changed and his things in the garden as soon as i found out hed cheated.

once someone has broken your trust its very hard to trust them again, even if he leaves the ow do you want to spend the rest of your life driving yourself mad wondering what he's doing when he goes out/is late home etc?

Original poster
abyssy · 06/10/2011 09:00

He cheats on me. I don't know how often, how he finds the time even. He's good for the child. I can't sleep mainly as I don't know how it will go for DS if father not there.

OP posts:
buttonmoon78 · 06/10/2011 09:04

Of course you have faults, we all do. But what he's doing is waaaay beyond acceptable.

He may well be good for your boy, but he can be good for him during access visits no?

He certainly is not good for you. And if you're this low and underconfident you will be (unintentionally I know) passing this pattern on to your child.

I have never said this on here either... but kick him out. Let him be a good father if he is, but don't let him stamp on you anymore.

You are a strong, capable woman and mother. It's time to start believing in yourself again.

You can do it.

Catslikehats · 06/10/2011 09:05

Your child will be far far better off growing up in a home where he doesn't have to witness his mother being treated with an appalling lack of respect.

We all have our faults but that doesn't mean we deserve to be treated badly, which is exactly what is happening.

ScarahStratton · 06/10/2011 09:05

I'll tell you how it will go without him. Your child will grow up in a happy and stable home. No stressed mum, no cheating dad, no rows, no worries.

So you may not have much money, the rest of us cope. You don't need him, he needs you. To cook his meals, do his laundry and clean the bathroom sink he washes his scabby cock in after he's dipped it in some skank again.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/10/2011 09:07

How is he good for the child?... What possible good example could a man be when all he demontrates to a son is that it's OK to renege on promises and disrespect women? Children can spot liars... and your DS will quickly spot that your marriage is a fake, that you are miserable and he won't thank either of you for it in the long-run. In the meantime, if you're determined to turn a blind eye and keep this man in your life, at least do the sensible thing... get yourseif tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

biddysmama · 06/10/2011 09:07

sorry to ask this. are you from the uk? do you live here because of your husband?

ReindeerBollocks · 06/10/2011 09:10

Do you feel you deserve this treatment? He is just a man, and not a very nice one if he is willing to keep on hurting you in such a way.

You need to work out what you want, either keep him and confront this issue properly, or end it and let him leave. Either option is more preferable than you emotionally beating yourself up for his appalling behaviour.

If you decide to end it there are many helpful wonderful people on the relationships board who give practical advice on coping practically and emotionally. You don't have to do this alone.

But seriously, your husband is being vile if he thinks continually cheating is an ok way to behave to his wife. It really isn't ok, and you know this.

dreamingbohemian · 06/10/2011 09:11

Sorry to be harsh but...

Think about how your boy will feel if his mother ends up very ill or dead because his cheating father gave her a sexually transmitted disease.

Think about how you will explain to your boy, 'Oh that's your half-brother, from the time Daddy was fucking another woman.'

You need to get rid of him. If you don't feel strong enough, tell someone in real life who will help you through it.

It will be hard but you will feel so much better in the end. You can even find someone else who truly loves you and will never cheat on you.

Pavlovthecat · 06/10/2011 09:12

"can't sleep mainly as I don't know how it will go for DS if father not there"

you need to lie there not sleeping, and thinking about it will go for your DS if his father continues to be there. You need think long and hard about what the intrenched attitudes and beleifs your son will have growing up around his husband.

If you stay, you will damage your son far far more than the damage your H has done by cheating on you.

It will be hard to do it, but you have to find the strength, for the sake of your son.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 06/10/2011 09:14

You don't need him. Get rid. I'm sure you'll manage just fine without this selfish cunt in your life when he's gone. Why? Because you wont be lying awake at night wondering where he is, what he's doing, if he's with her. And you wont have someone issuing YOU with ultimatums like it's YOU who has done something wrong.

Seriously. This man has been cheating on you and yet he has the fucking cheek to threaten to walk out on you? It should be the other way round.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/10/2011 09:18

I don't think he cares whether you know or not, OP. Sorry. You mentioned 'again' so maybe this is a pattern for him - and you. As long as you accept it, he'll carry on disrespecting you this way.

You don't need him, you just think you do. Your child doesn't need to grow up in that atmosphere - a father-figure who treats his mother so badly and a mother who allows him to. It's very unhealthy.

I have every sympathy for you, OP, it's a horrible situation to be in but you're the one who has to break this cycle, he won't, he doesn't care.