should i let him know i know he's still seeing OW?

[abyssy]

Hi all. My partner is still seeing OW even though we had agreed recently this would stop. I know this. It isn't just a feeling. I'm very worried about bring it all upo again because he has threatened me with leaving me with DS and I do need him. I can't sleep. It's even worse when I can't sleep because he's there beside me totally ignoring me and even mutter things in his sleep as though he's dreaming of her

This is a very toxic relationship.

I am not one for posting "leave the bastard" but in this case...

YY Fabby

He calls you a HO? a Whore?

and HE'S THE ONE FUCKING OW?

High Expectations? Even a Pitbull Terrier would treat you better than this!

He's not even got the morals or manners of a sewer rat!

Love, with respect, WTF are you doing?

STOP! STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP!

this man is not a man. he is not a partner, nothing. He is not even nice to you to make up for his betrayal of you and his child.

He is NOT a good dad. He is not GOOD in any respects.

Get angry - you have every right to be -then get him OUT of your lives.

Because...he's not shaggin anything that moves hisssy. That's the thing. I think she's more a freind than a lover (tho i know he has stayed with her when we seperated b4). Thing is relationships go on and on outside of chatroom discussions if you understand me. They last much longer. Lots of girls have a slightly variable view on how these things pan out long term. I'm not saying I tolerate him with OW but in a way i'm a class 1 pain myself sometimes. I'm not born yesterday. I don't expect him to be here every min when not working, but I don't want him to leave me forever. Doesn't make sense. Let me rephrase. I give him a hardtime but i don't want him to go because it's important the boy has a father. I'm not some babymomma but I wont him around. I think I feel shit for moaning all time is all. Life isn't hello or glamorur mag is it? maybe it is

Nobody needs a partner who treats them the way he is treating you. He knows you are feeling vulnerable and is playing on it. That makes him the lowest of the low.

He is not a good role model for your DS. Your DS can still see his Dad if you separate. If his Dad won't see him then tbh no child needs a father like that. When he is cheating on you he is also cheating on his children.

You think so little of yourself that you choose to stay with a man who treats you badly, who sleeps with someone else.

The atmosphere in the house will be felt by your child, do you really want that?

Why are you not strong enough to manage alone? It is really easy.

My children have a father, he left when they were 7 and 2.5 I raised them alone, they did not suffer, you could ask them and they will tell you they didn't.

Children do not have to have a father living under the same roof to be happy, to be contented.

You want the father it is not necessarily good for your child. No way how it is at the moment.

When you argue think of how it is for your chld living in that environment.

He deserves better than you give as a parent.

Fabby you saying you don't argue? ever? I don't argue all the time but i'd never expect everything peach all the time

You feel shit for moaning? He is cheating on you! It doesn't matter that it is just one other woman it is another woman. It is wrong on many levels.

I'm not saying I'md happy him having a mistrees either. It hurts, you can't see right from wrong. Difficult to imagine mr righ coming along and being super faithful and decvoted at my age is what I think. Trying to be detached by having a cheat but I do try to keep my options open. That sounds cynical but I don't expect nexct man to be much more than a dog needing to bury it's bone for a ewhile

OP, I used to be a nightmare with my ex, I was on his case all the time. I was really rather mad tbh and thought no one else could ever love me cos of the way I was. Ex was a cheating dick of a boy who had no respect for me, lied all the time and played mind games. Your DH sounds much the same, I'm sure he's lovely when he wants to be but the point is your feeling like shit because of the way he acts. Thats not normal and no happy relationship is like that.

As soon as I left ex I found myself almost returning to normal, no longer the crazy bitch I once was. I realised I was only like that because he made me like that.

I'm sure your not perfect, but who is? You can do better than this though, you know deep down you can.

manage on you own with a kid is easy. no, sorry, it isn't. not in this life honey

The poor kids that will grow up thinking that this is all they are worth.

great.

A new generation of people who have very little prospect of a happy adult life.

My son may not have a dad nearby. His father abused me verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically. We were together 10 years.

At least my son now doesn't have to watch his mum be abused day in day out. At least he has a fair chance of growing up being taught that there is no such thing as 'women's work' that being a parent is BRILLIANT, and that he is loved, valued and that he can be anything he puts his mind to being, if he works at it. He won't grow up thinking women are only good for one thing, to use and abuse like his dad does, and like his dad's dad before him did.

Abyssy, you are shortchanging yourself, you are cheating your DC out of a decent, healthy environment. I know you are on the defensive now on this thread, but IMHO, your approach to this is not only wrong, it's seriously damaging YOU and your DC.

You say he calls you names, you say he is a bully. Then he is a nasty, foul mouthed cheat. You have rows, the DC are exposed to it, they are being exposed to a toxic set up. You need to think of you and you need to put your boy first. He will emulate his father.

Sometimes you need to blow the whole house down to rebuild it on stronger foundations.

I live alone with my dog.

Ive not lived with anybody for a very very long time, properly its coming up to ten years.

I brought my children up alone, it is easy.

Abyssy I raised my ds alone from the age of 18 months because his dad was an abusive cheating bastard. Was it easy? No. Did I cope, manage, make a good stable home for my dc? Yes.

You are being a doormat and you know it, but you'd rather have him around no matter what. That is selfish, and nothing to do with your dc.

And if you were prepared to put up with it and keep schtum then you wouldn't have written your op in the first place.

It's not easy at first to bring kids up on your own, but on the other hand is it easy living with a partner who has OW?

I don't think anyone is saying it is easy as a single mum. I have been a single mum (I now have a wonderful DH). Difficult as it was being a single mum it was a whole lot better than the soul destroying mentally abusive life I was leading with XH. I couldn't see that when I was with him, nor for the first 2 weeks after he left (I never plucked up the courage). Then I started coming to a slow realisation of how things were actually better.

I did have moments of loniliness, money worries (you can still have them as part of a couple) but I slowly regained my self respect and confidence as a human being. I became a much better mother and role model as a result. A confident, self respecting mum is good for a child and that is what your not so D P is denying your son.

I have disagreements with DH of course I do but if he cheated he would be out on his ear, some things are deal breakers. Despite any arguments DH and I have had neither of us have ever lost the respect we have for each other.

OP your DH is abusive to you by treating you with no respect.

If he has no respect for you now he never will be and if you do nothing this will continue untill he leaves you anyway as you can't make someone love or respect you.

You have low self esteem and so need to relise you are better than what he is giving you right now.

I know you can take care of your self and your son on your own much better and be so much happier than if you stay with this man.

Please go to counciling on your own, go on an assivertive course and get your self a better life - you deserver it.

He has an OW. I find it very hard to think of a future without him. He's not that special. But he idn't beat me up. I've hit him, he's slapped me. Neither stronger than the other. It's his kid too. Not fdefending him but kids are kids. Cute at 4 but when they are fifteern it's "what was my daddy to you?" I'm wondering what it will be like 10 years on from when I chuck him out. I'm not powerfull, don't have lots of mates too say "he's not worth it". If only because you chuck one and what will the next be? Diffenet? I like having a man around, yes they are unreliable, but I don't have much faith in finding another man when this one gone. I'm not making a good impression am i. Yes he's a sad man. I feel the sdame about me. Shiyt. It's bad having children and it doesn't work ojut

I think you need some serious help and support.

OP, do not base your self worth on the presence of a man. You owe it to yourself and your DC to do that for yourself and base it on who you are. If once you have sorted that out a nice man comes along then all good and well but he does not define you.

If one of the best things you can find to say about him is that he hasn't beaten you up then quite frankly that says a lot about him, none of it nice.

You sound worn down and with very little self esteem. He has contributed to that and continues to use that to his advantage. They way he treats you IS abuse. He has slapped you and he makes you feel worthless, abuse doesn't have to leave bruises to exist. Please contact Women's Aid. They can help you get counselling.

Yes it is sad when you have children then it doesn't work out. You know what is more sad though? When a child grows up either thinking that is the way they should treat their partner or that they should expect their partner to treat them that way. Would you want a son of yours to make a woman feel as miserable as you do or a daughter of yours to be as miserable as you are right now.

You can get through this and come out a stronger person, it will be difficult for a while but you can get there and what's more you don't even have to do it entirely alone as there is support available.

abyssy Thu 06-Oct-11 18:17:17

manage on you own with a kid is easy. no, sorry, it isn't. not in this life honey

At the minute it's like you're dealing with two children. Your four year old and your OH. Kick him all the way to the OW's house and you're only left to raise one.

My children have always spoken to their father via the telephone and text, less so in the past few years, not once did they ever ask me why we split up, they may well remember the arguments, the hands round my throat, him headbutting me in the street after we split and breaking my nose, but they have never said.

Children grow up secure with one parent if that is all they have, they also grow up to be good kids, I couldn't ask for better.

I had two 7.5 and 2.5 I worked full time until the eldest was 16, it was easy for me, I had a good income, I had great child care, I found housework and keeping the house pristine easy. Its about routine.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation.

You have to make a choice. Stay with him, knowing that he will shag about behind your back

or leave

If you choose to stay, then you stay knowing that you are staying with a man who is not faithful to you and that it is your choice to remain in that situation.

Because you can't control what he does. You can't make him stop. You can't make him be the person you want him to be. All you can do is be in control of you.

I'm not going to tell you not to make the choice to stay. I'd be wasting my breath. It seems that you have already decided to. So all I will say is that you have to accept the reality of your choice. You will stay. He will shag. and since your decision is to remain, then you are just going to have to accept it. You can't really choose to stay and at the same time moan about the situation you have chosen to stay in, can you (I speak from experience. You have to take responsibility for your choices and accept the result of them)

I hope that, in time, you change your mind.

I see what you're saying Fabby but I think we need to be realistic, it isn't that easy for a lot of single mums.

However, that said, op what kind of a future do you really think you'll have with this man? You're scared to raise an objection to his affair because he has threatened to leave you? Can you honestly see yourself being happy with that arrangement because while he can have his cake and eat it he will. Unless you're prepared to do something about it then you'll have to learn to live with it i'm afraid. By staying with him all you're doing is depriving yourself of the chance to meet someone who will respect you and treat you like a equal partner, not a doormat. Your child certainly deserves better too, he should be your first priority.

It's better to be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones. "but I love him" isn't a valid reason, if it's not reciprocated then what's the point?

I have never ever said this as I don't believe in telling someone else what to do, in this instance I am 100 percent scrapping that theory

Leave the bastard

You are worth so much more that he can give you