should i let him know i know he's still seeing OW?

[abyssy]

Hi all. My partner is still seeing OW even though we had agreed recently this would stop. I know this. It isn't just a feeling. I'm very worried about bring it all upo again because he has threatened me with leaving me with DS and I do need him. I can't sleep. It's even worse when I can't sleep because he's there beside me totally ignoring me and even mutter things in his sleep as though he's dreaming of her

I had a big long reply typed out then deleted it.

This thread just makes me want to weep.

OP - you need serious help.

Agree 100% with Fabbychics post at 18.03.

I was practically a single parent when I was married. Leaving my selfish ex just meant I was being a single parent on my terms and, no, it may not have been easy at times but it was a hell of a lot better than how things had been before.

Your husband shows you no respect and is leaving you open to whatever diseases him or his OW might have picked up.

One decent, happy parent is better than 2 arguing and miserable ones. My kids are much much happier.

OP - no, it's not that easy. I bring 4 dcs up on my own Mon-Fri which I find very hard but on the w/e I can offload a bit, so I know that being a full-time single parent must be hard. But at least your ds would have a parent who could put him first rather than wasting her time and energy on a failing (failed?) relationship.

But please stop kidding yourself that you are staying for the sake of your son. If you stay you run a huge risk of him turning into a total tosspot like his dad. Odds on, I'd say.

Basically, who do you love more? Your OH who shags OW? Who controls this situation and can make it better anytime he likes? Or your ds? Who can't control the situation AT ALL. Who is relying on you to protect him from dangerous and destructive behaviour. If you stay you are putting your perceived needs above his.

However much of a nightmare you are, or whatever you called yourself, you DO NOT deserve this. And more importantly, nor does your ds.

Think about it - you can make his life better. Why not do it?

Heady I DO want to kick him out. I have. Several times. I want to make it by myself. I have strong friends who have children. One has a good job and like me had a child quite late, she has a good job. Single for several years as her ex went aboad. She says now, several years down the line she feels like awful when she goes on a date or spends months with a NM. She feels they look on her on the kid on her as fundamentally a 'bag', a recceptacle for sperm. It doesn't change as you get older it gets worse. Men do look on women as buckets for their issue and, sometimes we welcome it. So much more difficult when you have a child to say I want to bealone. I need religion or backbone i suppose

Really? I think not.

There are actually some kind, lovely men out there. But I don't think finding a man is really the thing to be worrying about right now. Getting rid of the cheating one you're with is more important.

I'll go with the backbone. You really do need to stop hand wringing and decide what you want to do. If you want to make life better, throw him out again, change the locks and put your child first.

If your happy to keep moaning then stay the way you are.

I know that's harsh but it's also true. And until you accept it to be true there is nothing anyone can say to help you.

Too right you need a backbone abyssy.

Stop whining on about needing a man and sort yourself out.

I appreciate this sounds harsh and others may think me unkind but tough.

Reading though this thread all you have done on here is whinge on and on about how you 'need' a man and how hard it will be without onw and none of us know how tough it is on your ow, ad bloody nauseam..despite the fact that actually, we do.

Stop thinking about yourself for a minute and start thinking about what your DS needs.

I think you need to think of your DS.

Children look at the family they are brought up in and that is what is normal to them. Your son is very likely to mirror his fathers behaviour when he is older. Do you want that for him? Do you want him treating a future partner like this?

Or do you want him to see he has a strong mother? And that women don't put up with this crap? And that people should be treated with respect and that is the way he should treat people?

I know which one I would prefer. And to be honest, I wouldn't even be thinking of future relationships. Focus on your child, get yourself happy and on track - many older women (I don't know how old you are!) find happy and successful relationships - but they tend not to be looking for it. Your life isn't over because you have a kid and are divorced!

I've put up with his rubbish for years. How much I need him and how if he leaves me DS will have no role model. I don't think I'm without backbone at all. I don't have parents to lend me support when I ask him to leave. Siblings not really there either. Any clues how to proceed?

your local women's aid or equivalent will give you all the support you will need if you are without friends or family to fall on.

Google for your local number. Not just good for hostel support should you wish to actually leave but fantistic in advising, supporting and mentoring those who wish to leave abusive relationships and guiding them through the process. They offer practical support in terms of monetary advice, housing support if needed, and most importantly, support in managing contact between DH and your DS if you need it, emotional support in making a deicision that needs to be made.

Good luck. You are a woman, a human, who deserves some respect. Having a child should not take your respect away from you. It should empower you.

HE IS NOT BEING A GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR YOUR BOY.

If you don't have family to lend support then get in touch with a women's aid charity.

Seriously. Your ds only has him as a male role model (from what I can make out). Do you really want him to end up like his dad?

If we all counted the cost of everything before we did it then we would never do anything.

Whoopps, sorry abyssy I didn't think of that.

His father treats his mother likes shit and can't keep his trousers on.

Yep, he's a fan-fucking-tastic role model for his son, a veritable prince of a man I expect women will be queuing up to tell him to fuck the hell off take on him on

You know what you need to do, so do it. Stop putting excuses in the way. If you want to leave him, you will.

If you want some practical tips about what to do and what you're entitled to thencontact women's aid or have a look at their website, ncheck out a benefits site like entitled to.com to see what you can get as a single parents and have a look in the relationships section where you cab get some fantastic support and advice.

If all you want is to moan on in self pitying fashion while expecting everyone to say poor you, what a bastard etc and ignoring the effect all this is having on your little boy, carry on just as you are.

And we'll see you in a few years when you're posting about your teenage son who is out of control, has no respect for you and treats you like dirt.

flippinada that is just a bit ott. you made your point already. No need to kick her further when she is down.

She is hurting, demoralised, low and lonely. She needs some support and encouragement, and yes some harsh truths, but only some, not a barrage.

I read the OPs last post as saying that the OH is always telling her that she needs him and DS needs a role model, not that she thinks that. and she is asking how she is supposed to get out

i can understand you feel trapped and wuld recommend you follow pavlovs advice

I realise my posts are coming across very harsh. I'm posting from a place of anger because I've seen first hand the impact of this kind of behaviour.

I am sure you are not spineless etc at all and his behaviour has ground you down but you and your little boy deserve so much better, you really do. You just need to believe that.

Being on your own is not worse than being with someone like this. It really, really isn't.

Yes I realise that Pavlovscat. Cross post.

I want to apologise, abyssy, because I have gone ott and I am sorry for that.

I have experience of this, a friend in a very similar situation and it turned out very badly, very upsetting - I won't go into details.

I have tried. Last time he left after I found out for the second time he was seeing OW. I told him to leave and he did. He came back next day for stuff we argued, made up then. He said i was "mad like my mother". That hurt. My mother does quite serious MH issues

abyssy you do realise that it is a bully's standard defence to question the mental stability of their victim. They feel it gives them more power and and make them feel superior when quite clearly they are not. Please take the advice on here to contact Woman's Aid. They can offer a lot of support both practical and emotional.

How to proceed.

Get a big case (if you are feeling generous) and put all his stuff in it, put it at the front door and get the locks changed.

If you are not feeling generous, just open the window and chuck it.

No, that wouldnt help you right now. Get down to your local CAB and ask them to do a financial calculation for you without him. That should hopefully give you comfort that you can pay your basic bills.

Be realistic about what you really need financially and not just wha tyou like or have become accustomed to. Deal with the basics for now and you can work out how to get the rest back when you are stronger.

Get yourself into your local community centre, family centre, surestart centre, area office, whatever, and tell them you are at rock bottom and need to find a support group or course that will help your confidence and self esteem. GO TO IT. Dont make excuses.

Then get the case......and do as above. And think about your child and what message you want him growing up with ALL THE TIME as you do the above.

Use MN to rant, rave, cry and ask for support.

And learn to look at yourself in the mirror and say - I am good enough. I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be treated well, I am more than a bucket, I am a person and I WILL be treated as such.

Cos believe me, there are a whole lot of good men out there, and a whole lot of confident women, you are just so low you cant see it right now. But if you take action, one day you will.

:(

He's bloody awful. My XP said similar to me once...right charmer.

Do you have anyone you can turn to for support, anyone locally - friends or family?

Rhondajean is right.

There are sources of support available even if you don't have friends or family locally who would be willing to help out.

Again, I'm sorry for my rant earlier. I sound like a real bully, don't I? And by the sounds of it you've had too much of that already. Please keep posting for support.

When we've seen things first hand it can make us v angry flippinada.

Oh don't bullies always play the "mad" card? I was too apparently...and "paranoid", until I found actual proof of exp sordid little affair...just another way to control you op.