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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

should i let him know i know he's still seeing OW?

130 replies

abyssy · 05/10/2011 15:38

Hi all. My partner is still seeing OW even though we had agreed recently this would stop. I know this. It isn't just a feeling. I'm very worried about bring it all upo again because he has threatened me with leaving me with DS and I do need him. I can't sleep. It's even worse when I can't sleep because he's there beside me totally ignoring me and even mutter things in his sleep as though he's dreaming of her

OP posts:
flippinada · 06/10/2011 21:37

It was bloody awful buttonmoon78.

My friend was with a man like this, an abusive bully, but refused to leave because they were 'meant to be' and she was desperate to have a proper family. It ended very, very badly.

Not for me to hijack the thread though - it sounds like abyssy has been horribly abused by this awful man and needs all the support she can get, not me shouting the odds.

Original poster
abyssy · 06/10/2011 21:42

Thank's Rhondajean you are right. I don't see that saying i'm ill like my mother is very nice. There have been various jibes like that "your heading for the bordeline just like your mother who couldn't see the wood for the trees either". Or "Go ahead kill yourself give your son a break" "Why do you just walk out in front of a car?" Once when I was crying in public and he got emb. He's actually taken photos of me crying and couldn't eplain why he did it. He makes me feel so worthless at times. As though I'm a fraud and couldn't go on without him there to pretend I was normal. He has a thing about very rough sex with me when I'm sobbing my eyes out. I shouldn't say that. He's not always bad

OP posts:
Pavlovthecat · 06/10/2011 21:47

but you just have said that.

And I would say that now. I would call womens aid tomorrow. And Get The Fuck out.

This is not about tolerating being treated emotionally badly. This is worse. You know this. And I suspect you already know what you need to do. Or else you would not have said that out loud. You understand the situation you are in don't you? If not. Please, please try to find the courage to walk out tomorrow and tell him you need some space, go to women's aid, and then take stock. You can return home, but it might take some time.

Honestly, you will be treated so much better in the first few days of support from women who give a shit about you than a lifetime of what you are experiencing right now (those women don't need to know you to give a shit, the do so because they have compassion and understanding and are decent people who have suffered themselves).

flippinada · 06/10/2011 21:48

He sounds worse the more you post about him abyssy.

Please do consider contacting women's aid here

AnyCorpseFucker · 06/10/2011 21:52

This thread is an example of how some women just do it to themselves

This woman isn't ready to be helped.

One day, I hope she will be.

rhondajean · 06/10/2011 21:55

Noone is always bad - but he is not good FOR YOU. You need to accept that and stop thinking about the good bits and once you are out of the situation for a while, I guarantee you that you will look back and wonder WTF you were doing.

You are so worn down right now you cant see the wood for the trees.

Take it one step at a time, find out your rights, your facts, and where you can get support.

Someone who cares about you and is a good person wants you to be happy and feels bad when you are not. That is what you deserve; that is your right; you are good enough and you are good enough as you are. Keep saying it to yourself.

fivegomadindorset · 06/10/2011 21:55

Do you wnat your son to treat his future girlfriends/wife like you are being treated because you are providing the correct influence in his life if you want him to.

You do not need a man, you need to get the help that is available on here to move on.

Pavlovthecat · 06/10/2011 21:59

anyfucker i am surprised at you.

AuntiePickleBottom · 06/10/2011 22:01

if you are still having sex, then i would firstly get your self checked out for STI because if he can cheat on you so easily you really don't know who he is shagging and who they are also shagging.

you should leave him, and find someone who will love you back

AnyCorpseFucker · 06/10/2011 22:03

Why Pavlov ?

What is there to say ?

Everything that has been said has been refuted, rationalised, excused. Every piece of good advice has been discarded.

Sometimes it needs saying

you are your own worst enemy

thesunshinesbrightly · 06/10/2011 22:04

I couldn't read all the thread but you sound like a wimp no wonder he is walking all over you! your letting him,you need to get stronger for your ds the situation is no good for him.

Minus273 · 06/10/2011 22:07

The OP is in the middle of it, sometimes when you are in the middle of it you can't see the wood for the trees. The OP sounds like she is so beaten down she can't see how it would help and tbh I can understand how someone could get to that position.

OP please accept the help that is out there, you can get through this.

buttonmoon78 · 06/10/2011 22:07

abyssy the more you say the more I want to shake you and hug you in turn Sad

I'm off to bed now (small baby) but please think about everything you have posted here tonight.

You are in an abusive relationship and leaving your son to witness it. Don't think for a minute that he doesn't know what is going on. He does.

Get out - please don't stay with this abuser.

Pavlovthecat · 06/10/2011 22:08

thesunshinethread you probably should not comment without reading the whole thread. Honestly, when you are talking about your fave wine, it is ok to just charge on in there, but there are times when it is prudent to read on first...

thesunshinesbrightly · 06/10/2011 22:13

I couldn't read all this, when the first couple of pages make me angry! i wanna shake the op and make her realize she is worth so much more..she is allowing the shitbag too treat her like that Angry.

GossipWitch · 06/10/2011 22:45

abyssy how much does your partner do with your son, really ?

How much time does he spend doing something with him on a daily basis?

how much do you do for your son and him?

If say your oh doesn't spend any more than an hour with him a day, and doesn't help you with housework and your daily routine much. Then there is no need to have him around, then if you get rid of him and all his stuff its a lot easier on the housework load.

Also I've been a single mum for seven years, one of my children, the oldest who's 9 has special needs the youngest is three, there are hard times but its better than having ds1s father around to make my life harder trust me, also it really sounds like you oh may be emotionally abusing you i may be wrong but it might be worth having a little peek at an emotionally abused thread and see if it may apply to you.

if you really think your worthless and this is the sort of life your child deserves then go ahead put up with this crap.

my nan always said you can either put up and shut up, or kick off and kick out!

I do hope you choose the latter :)

GossipWitch · 06/10/2011 22:52

He has a thing about very rough sex with me when I'm sobbing my eyes out. I shouldn't say that. He's not always bad

That sounds like rape to me! please hunny please don't let him do this to you please, phone womens aid and get out please

Minus273 · 06/10/2011 22:57

OMG OP I missed you saying that. That is rape. Please call Women's Aid.

incognitofornow · 06/10/2011 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BagofHolly · 06/10/2011 23:13

I hope that you cam find enough love for yourself and for your child, to make better CHOICES than the ones you are currently making.

RantyMcRantpants · 06/10/2011 23:43

OP, just out of interest, how old are you?

HedleyLamarr · 07/10/2011 07:06

Men do look on women as buckets for their issue

That's not very nice. I was only trying to help Sad

HedleyLamarr · 07/10/2011 07:09

Reading further on, AnyFucker has hit the nail on the head. Again.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/10/2011 08:11

AnyFucker always does hit the nail on the head.

There is no excuse for what this man is doing to the OP; there is something in her behaviour towards him though that makes him think it's alright. Only OP can change that. If OP is so desperate to keep this wastrel, what will it take? Abuse towards the child also? Will that be the tipping point?

I read this thread yesterday, read it again this morning and have seen the 'extra' infomation and I really hope that it's all a fabrication designed to inspite a hissing-fest on behalf of a woman being badly treated.

notverywisewoman · 08/10/2011 17:30

ok,I have great sympathy with you ,but you gotta face the truth. Some couples can cope with a bit of straying, but it is obvious from what you are saying you are suffering .He is not .Your son will be fine with you on your own ,he can still see his dad, and you will wish you had done it earlier when you finally kick him out.Thousands of single mums cannot be wrong! Really,get your life back, put yourself first ,you deserve it.

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