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Relationships

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Are Men Sex Obsessed?

163 replies

Oldgumbiecat · 30/09/2011 15:32

Common experience tells us that most men certainly are. The unpalatable truth is that for men having sex is pretty much like going to the toilet: an urgent and immediate need that needs to be satisfied quickly, and with any woman who is ready and willing, or who can in turn gain something from it, imaginary or real. Men need to be possessed of real self control to remain monogamous: monogamy is not in the nature of your average man.

So why else do you suppose that the sex industry is in the ascendancy? And that?s to put it mildly. The sex industry generates billions for those smart enough to exploit it. All men are sex addicted to a greater or lesser degree. And anyone who thinks that women are not above taking advantage of them deludes her/himself.

This obsession combined with a tendency for so many men not to grow up emotionally beyond toddlerhood, though, can certainly result in legions of women getting a very raw deal indeed. Particularly when they are preoccupied with the responsibility of raising real children as well as an adult who never grew up. And men, too, are too often preoccupied with the notion that the grass is greener on the other side of the hill: the infatuation with the pretty girl with long legs at the office which they misconstrue as having found true love at last. Once again, it?s nothing more and nothing less than good old lust.

I do not include, of course, the many men who will squeal in protest when they read this, because of course you are all such good little boys really. And if you find these views offensive, then I regret that. But while they may not apply to you, I think it very probable that enough who read this won't readily deny the truth.
OP posts:
pandorasbox21 · 03/10/2011 07:16

I think men like confidence are very naie if they think women mainly fantasise bout being with the same man or emotional intimacy. Most women I speak to, including myslef regularly fantasise about group sex, mmf, rape/control style encounters with people they have just met etc. Also fantasise about having sex with men they see out and about such as work colleagues, bfs work colleagues and people off the street etc.

I also think in my generation at least a lot of people are having lots of casual sex. Its just women lie. For instace most of my friends bfs usually think they have been with a couple of men when they have been with significantly more but for social constructs and so men dont get jeealous they bring the figure down significantly. Thats why if you ask that question to a women they always spin it round so yu answer first so they can say less Wink

BelleDameSansMerci · 03/10/2011 07:44

confidence I think the reasons cited such as rape and violence are very important and illustrate the entire point. If that danger did not exist, I think many women's approach to casual sex would be demonstrably different.

BelleDameSansMerci · 03/10/2011 07:46

Oh, and Pandora, many women of my generation (mid 40s) still do and always have behaved in that way too.

wamster · 03/10/2011 08:41

Yes, but fantasising is not the same as doing. Truth is, I have yet to meet a woman who hangs around toilets touting for sex. Men do.

solidgoldbrass · 03/10/2011 10:01

Wamster: but not all men do that, not even the majority of men do that. Plenty of men are not bothered about sex, plenty of men are romantic and monogamous, and plenty of the men who like NSA sex get their needs met by internet dating or going to clubs to pull. Cottaging is really a bit of a minority activity so not representative of male sexuality as some monolithic 'thing'.

ANd BDSM is right, what puts a lot of women off cruising for casual sex is the danger of being assaulted and also the risk of slutshaming.

confidence · 03/10/2011 10:12

That's interesting pandorasbox I didn't know that. It would be interesting to read properly structured studies into male and female sexual fantasies, if such things have ever been done.

Wamster makes a good point too however. I've found that many women talk up the idea of casual sex in a way that has nothing to do with what they would actually do. My friends both male and female tend to talk very openly about who we would "do". But whenever I've followed up with the women whether, if that person just walked into the room right now and said "come on then", would they shag them - they've always said "of course not". They mean that they fancy them, but that's still only a starting point and requires a whole lot of other stuff to be in place before it translates into action.

The difference with men is that if someone they fancied walked into the room and dropped their knickers, and if there weren't restricting factors such as the monogamous expectations of a spouse, many of them would just shag them. If you want evidence of this, just look at the way many gay men carry on when they don't have the expectations of women to consider.

confidence · 03/10/2011 10:24

OK here's a question:

If women are so comfortable with the idea of emotionally meaningless, non-committed sex with strangers, why are so many of them so hung up about porn and unwilling to tolerate its use by their partners?

I understand the desire for actual monogamy from both sexes - to prevent breaking up the emotional union and to prevent diseases. But I've never met a man who has any problem with how his wife masturbates, or would have a problem if she wanted to use porn to do it. (I imagine there may be some very religious men who would have such a problem, but I don't move in those kind of circles.)

I also understand that sometimes, a man's porn use can go hand in hand with decreasing desire for his wife, and why she would obviously object to that. But that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about all the women who appear (by their own admission) to have perfectly satisfying sex lives and emotional lives with their partners, until one day they discover that he likes porn, and they find it so "disgusting" that they can't go near him again.

Isn't this because it's relatively rare for women to be comfortable with the idea of purely physical, sexual satisfaction without emotional implications?

BelleDameSansMerci · 03/10/2011 10:33

Because a lot of porn (the majority?) has women being "done to" not being equally engaged, etc. It's about the man and his pleasure, not the woman and hers.

And, more superficially, look at the participants - the women generally seem to meet a stereotypical view of what's attractive in a woman and the men are generally minging.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 10:39

Confidence, you are making a very large and obvious mistake here

You are buying into the idea that women who don't like porn don't like sex

You also "didn't realise" that women have sexual fantasies beyond The Milk Tray Man idea

You are labouring under quite a lot of false assumptions there

Malificence · 03/10/2011 11:16

Confidence is also under the illusion that men happily lie to their female partners yet tell the whole truth to their mates. Wink

Lots of men are horrified by the thought of their partners using vibrators/sex toys, probably around the same percentage as women who don't wan't their men using porn, in most cases I imagaine it's nothing to do with being dysfunctional or having religious/ethical issues, just purely down to the fact that they don't want their partner getting sexual pleasure from any other source than them.
Lots ( and I do mean lots) of men are in relationships where they are forbidden to masturbate ( with their full consent) going so far as wearing chastity devices 24/7 that their wife holds the key to, it is the wife who gets as much sex as she wants whilst witholding it from him, letting him out occasionally for some sexual relief, in cases like that , sex is all about her and his orgasms belonging to her , although he obviously gets off on the domination and control aspect, sometimes it crosses over into the cuckolding aspect but not often.

You could do worse than join fetlife to have your eyes opened about female sexuality before you go spouting off the crap that you have done.

I imagine the main reason that women don't go cottaging is because they have more sense, not to mention that a straight woman in a gay bar attracts no curiosity, due to the myth that all women are bisexual and will snog another woman at the drop of a hat Hmm , a married/straight man in a gay bar runs the very great risk of being seen and recognised, so that's probably why sneaking around public parks and toilets came about .

confidence · 03/10/2011 11:58

AF - I certainly don't think that because women don't like porn, they don't like sex. I've written in posts upthread how womens' attitude to sex appears to me. Happy to be corrected about any of it, but what you've said here is not at all what I think in the first place.

BDSM - Isn't that kind of circular though? The vast majority of porn is made by men for men, because it's mainly men who want to consume it. There IS some porn made by women for women, but it remains a small and niche area because the customer base is relatively small. Why is that?

Also, if a woman is really comfortable with the idea of pursuit of promiscuous sexual pleasure without emotional implications, why would she care that her husband watches porn designed primarily around the satisfaction of the man? Of course that's what he's going to do - he's watching it for his own satisfaction not anyone else's.

Malifience - I wouldn't claim for a moment to know every kind of sexual situation every individual lives in. But you're trying to tell us that lots of men live with chastity devices attached 24/7. If you mean "lots" in the sense of a number significant enough to impact upon discussion about men and women in general, then I'm sorry but that's absolute nonsense.

solidgoldbrass · 03/10/2011 12:27

Confidence: A lot of the women who object to porn object to it because they believe that the porn industry is seriously exploitative of women and that the performers in porn films are not fully consenting. Unfortunately a lot of porn is not unpleasant, produced with no care for the performers who work under bad conditions, and also produced with no imagination, lowest-common-denominator nastiness. There is better stuff about but (once again) people making it sometimes face distribution issues. The reason a lot of porn is such rubbish is (once again) money - it's more profitable in the short term to churn out rubbish with a cast of performers you treat as disposable. Just like the fast food industry, really. It's also true that quite a lot of the producers of bad porn don't like porn themselves. They don't understand it, they despise their customer base, and yet they think 'ooh, there's money to be made' so they keep on flooding the market with crap and resent any attempts by others to make better products.

A lot of men don't like the grosser stuff, either. So the nasty, cheaply-made, exploitative stuff isn't what the customers really want, its prevalence is due to the same sort of mindset that made Murdoch and all the bankers rich at everyone else's expense.

wamster · 03/10/2011 13:25

Women don't go cottaging because the idea of no-strings, quickie sex without knowing the other person's name doesn't appeal to them to the point where they'd actually do something about it.
As for the gay bar thing, everybody is in the same boat in the place, who's going to 'out' anybody else if they don't want it? They're boys' clubs. I don't think the mistake should be made that just because a man is gay, he is going to be more sensitive about sex.

Gay men have more sex than heterosexual and lesbian people because they are primarily men and, being men, they have a different mindset to the whole business of sex than women.

The opportunity is there for gay men to have sex every single night if they wish it. The opportunities are there because gay men are, above all else, men and their attitudes to sex are different to women's.

I have to add the term generally speaking but don't want to because of course it's all generally-speaking.

pandorasbox21 · 03/10/2011 13:36

Belle - Oh god I know the over 40s are dirty. My town is like the JK show cause so many people have shagged so many other people! I always think of that thing where people are meant to be connected is it six degrees of seperation?

We have done that before just between people we knows young and old and its surprising how many people you can link together at some point from having sex with each other.Bit disgusting when you think about it!

Wamster and confidece - you must live somewhere fancy here if you dont know women that do dirty things as men. Confidence - here the 3/4am shag after the club is where everyone hangs around and pulls someone in the smoking queue. I know quite a few women who have had kids from those encounters. It even has a name for doing it in my area but I couldnt say it as people will know where I mean as its 2 particular venues and a weekly meeting poit.

Also confidence i know a few men who have objected about their gfs masturbatig and using toys. I do think you are very naive about what goes on if you seriously didnt know women had some of the fantasies I mentioned, or have eve acted them out as quite a few have its

pandorasbox21 · 03/10/2011 13:47

Confidence - I think a alot of women I know qatch amateur porn online as its not fake. I think a lot of people dot get turned on by mainsteam as the woma obviously isnt orgasming or turned on by it that is why they make the fake screamng noises. A lot of men dont like mainstream for that reason I know my husband much prefers it when the woman enjoys it. Same as me I cant get horny if I know there isnt going to be a cum shot for the man what us the point in watching it if you dont see the member of thue sex you are turned on by enjoy it?

Additionally most women have had at least one ons, I would say many have had a large amount more. How many people do you know that have pulled in the club that night and shagged whoever. I can think of countless examples o a regular basis.

I think you are very, very naive if you think your gf/wife doesnt fatasise about regularly getting with your friends, her man friends, men at work etc. Its normal for both sexes to do that and I dont know any woman that doesnt do that. I think it is very strange if you think all women just care about monogany. Even when in relationships all men and women think about getting with others regularly, even if their relationship is happy.

wamster · 03/10/2011 13:48

pandorasbox21 Of course, I know women do dirty things like men do. I'm not saying that they don't. I have been careful to say here that I am talking in generalities and, generally speaking, women's attitudes to sex are different to men's.
I have never said that women do not like sex as much as men. Just that their approach to sex tends to be different to men's.
I honestly don't know as many women as I do men who are happy to have no-strings-attached sex. This is my experience.

By the way, I must point out that my statement above is not anti-gay men at all. Far from it, it's just recognising that men -gay AND straight- have differing attitudes to sex.
So I suppose my view could be seen as sexist, but as this is a thread about men and women's attitudes to sex, it's a fair comment given the context of the thread.

pandorasbox21 · 03/10/2011 13:57

My experience is completely the opposite but i have worked in a job where it is expected for women to have had sex with a large amount of men as there is only a few females to many males.

Additionally in my town everyone does publicly get with everyone when pissed and then later tries to deny it or fix their numbers. I do think that comes from women worrying about what others think. Howver here I know a fair few women who have had sex with too many men and have no idea who the dad is. I think it is a lot more commonplace than people think.

wamster · 03/10/2011 14:06

I believe what you are saying is true, pandorasbox21, I don't doubt it for one second. What can I say? I'm talking in general terms, not saying that ALL women love hearts and flowers romance as a prelude to sex or that ALL men are turned on by the prospect of no-strings sex.

solidgoldbrass · 03/10/2011 14:12

Wamster: women don't do cottaging ie hang out in public toilets looking for NSA sex because a) it's too dangerous and b) they don't need to, it's not at all difficult for a woman who wants some NSA sex to go to a nightclub or indeed a swingers' club and get some.
I don't think cottaging is very common at all these days. Because it's a lot easier for men to find other men to have sex with than it used to be, you know, back when sex between men was illegal - and before the internet made it so quick and easy to hook up. I accept that some men still do it and probably do so because what they get off on is not just the sex but the seedy, risky feel of it.

pandorasbox21 · 03/10/2011 14:21

wamster - I dont eve think the vast majority of women or men are turned on by that. Most are turned on by both at different times. For instance most men or women have sex with a large amount of people, then get married/live with someone and are moogamous. Sometimes forever sometimes not then back to shagging lots of people etc. Most people do both a lot over a course of a lifetime.

sgb - I agree most men I know have a lot of casual sex at the weekends as it is so easy. They have to be having sex with women or where are all these women they are doing it with coming from. Its cause women lie about it a lot to men.

wamster · 03/10/2011 14:21

But isn't it (cottaging) dangerous for men, too? I accept that perhaps nobody has to do it anymore. It's dangerous for everybody, surely? Somebody said upthread that women don't 'cottage' because they've more sense. If this is the case, then why are men so wanting of sex that they'll put their safety on the line to get sex? A man risks assault from the other man, doesn't he?
Seems to me that when it comes to sex, men are more willing to indulge in risky behaviours to get it.

pandorasbox21 · 03/10/2011 14:43

Depends what you classify as risky behaviour many women go back with men they have never met and have sex, they do it outside in places where no one could find them if they screamed, a big one here would be the beach dead at night, having sex with no contraception and risking pregnancy etc.

Especially meeting on plenty of fish, fb, my yearbook etc and travelling and having sex with people. Women do this all the time and it is very risky, especially travelling to different areas etc but nowadays most women have done it at one point or another.

wamster · 03/10/2011 14:47

Yes, that is a reasonable comment. Women do definitely take part in risky behaviour, too.

confidence · 03/10/2011 15:07

SGB - women don't do cottaging ie hang out in public toilets looking for NSA sex because a) it's too dangerous and b) they don't need to, it's not at all difficult for a woman who wants some NSA sex to go to a nightclub or indeed a swingers' club and get some.

Exactly! And why don't they need to? Why is it so much easier for women to get NSA sex in a nightclub or swingers' club than men?

Sheer supply and demand. It's as simple as that. There are far MORE men who are open to and want that kind of thing than women. This is, quite obviously, why swingers clubs often have rules against single men joining - men have to come as part of a couple. If they didn't have those rules, we all know they'd be inundated with hundreds more men than women. It's also why there are so many more female than male prostitutes.

Pandora - I can only echo what wamster has said. I'm not for one minute suggesting that women never do the kinds of things you describe. I'm not that naive or inexperienced at all. Just that there are considerably more men that would do so than women, as the examples such as cottaging, swingers' clubs or prostitution confirm. Of course people tend to refer to their personal experience about such things but when you look at trends of behaviour over society as a whole, or between different societies, the general differences are undeniable.

BelleDameSansMerci · 03/10/2011 15:09

Honestly, when I look back at my 20s and 30s I can't believe I wasn't ever in actual danger. I certainly "took risks". Completely agree about the cottaging too. Why would most women need to do that? Even at my advanced age I'm still fairly sure I could pull every night if I could be bothered had the inclination .

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