Right, you asked for it...
Are Men &Women Different?
You probably didn't miss the all-round kicking Stephen Fry earned himself with those remarks about how women don't like sex a short while ago. And it's certainly not at all unfair to feel that a gay man who has spent a lot of time celibate probably isn't actually the greatest expert on female sexual behaviour. However, plenty of other experts, some of whom may not have bought their qualifications on the internet, are in agreement with Fry's basic contention ? men want lots of sex with different partners, women want love, affection, financial support and monogamy.
Do you really need me to tell you what a crock of shit this is? Do I get to say one more time of John Gray, author of all those Mars & Venus books, mate, you're talking out of Uranus? The very strength of the outrage Fry earned himself makes it pretty clear that there are a lot of people out there who know that actually straight women are not all sexually reluctant any more than men, straight or gay, are all sexually insatiable.
Well, OK, let's look for a moment at what differences there really are. Ladies don't get erections.
Um. Actually, we do. The clitoris is made of the same sort of tissue as the penis and does indeed become erect, to some extent, when a woman is sexually excited.
Men don't menstruate. Yup, that's true enough in that men don't have a monthly bleed, however there is some speculation and I believe some research being done which suggests that men's production of testosterone may rise and fall in some kind of regular cycle.
Women have multiple orgasms and men don't. Hmm. The jury's a bit out on this one, there seem to be various tips and tricks on offer to help men come and keep on coming, though most of those who talk about the male multiple orgasm seem to be referring to staying hard without ejaculation, which may or may not meet everyone's definition of an actual orgasm. As to female ejaculation, that's another one that some seem to doubt, including the British Board of Film Certification, who did, however, have a bit of a mind-change on that and finally agreed to pass Anna Span's Women Love Porn which included scenes of a woman doing just that and not, as the BBFC had claimed, urinating.
Men have testes, women have ovaries. A man doesn't have a uterus, and a woman doesn't have a prostate gland. There isn't scope here to start dealing with intersexuality, hermaphroditism or indeed gender dysphoria, so we'll leave those for the time being and accept that there are, obviously, some biological differences between male and female. Women are generally slower to become aroused, yet once aroused, can remain so and continue engaging in sexual activity for longer than men, who generally need a rest between ejaculation and the next erection.
Move on from basic biology to the psychological and social aspects, though, and it's rather a different story. There's a fairly well known evolutionary psychology theory to the effect that (as mentioned by Jesse Berner in an article on 'polyamory chic' in Scientific American)
'men tend to become more jealous when their female partners have sex with other men, whereas women are more jealous when their male partners show signs of ?emotional infidelity? with other women. This makes good sense from an evolutionary perspective, because prior to the era of DNA testing, men were extremely vulnerable to being cuckolded and investing their limited resources in some other guys? genes (conveniently packaged in the form of children), whereas women, who evolved to rely on their male partner to help them raise their offspring to reproductive age, were at risk of having his attention?and hence his resources?diverted to another woman and her kids.'
This doesn't stand up terribly well as genetic inevitableness when you consider that some early human societies made no link between sex and pregnancy, though ? and that other societies seem to have operated along the lines of women raising children in communal groups with the men roaming off and coming back every now and again.
The feminist philosopher Nancy Tuna is cited by Curtis Forbes on Antechamber, criticising the version of the above theory put forward by Richard Dawkins among others. Tuana suggests 'there are ?evolutionary pressures? for women to be more promiscuous, and men more monogamous. For example, males are most potent when they engage in sexual activity about once every three days; but since women are only fertile for a few days a month, it is in their reproductive interest to have sex with as many different men as possible during that month. On this account, men should seek monogamy so that they can have the sole chance to impregnate a woman during her fertile period, and women should seek polygamy (especially during their short fertile period) so that they can better ensure impregnation.' Others, too, have suggested that women following their genetic imperatives would be more inclined to promiscuity than monogamy in order to be impregnated by the 'best' sperm.
You don't have to be a raging feminist to have noticed that most of the stuff about gender differences in sexual behaviour that comes from experts in evolutionary psychology or sociobiology (two 'sciences' which not everyone agrees fully merit the name) seems to favour men over women: so much of it, particularly when popularised, seems to be about telling women that they should accept men's behaviour but modify their own. And you'd have to be a bit slow on the uptake not to consider, at least, that the biggest reason for women to be generally less keen on frequent, random sexual encounters with strangers are social and cultural. Just look at the repeated public shaming and humiliation of Zoe Margolis, whose blog Girl With A One Track Mind detailed her various sexual encounters both good and bad, written under the pseudonym Abby Lee. Firstly, she was quite needlessly and spitefully outed in a Sunday paper when the blog was first published as a book; subsequently, when she wrote a second book about life following the exposure, the Independent On Sunday described her as a former sex worker (which she's not). Margolis, an exceptionally brave and determined woman, sued the Sindy and won, and continues to write and speak about female sexuality, but it takes guts to withstand this sort of constant belittling and abuse.
Possibly the silliest of Stephen Fry's assertions was that women's disinclination towards a heterosexual version of cottaging is proof of their distaste for sex. Not only is it mainly the risk of violence and being obliged to have non-consensual sex in such a situation (far greater for women than for men) which is the main off-putting factor here, but has Fry not heard of dogging, something many women as well as many heterosexual men do and enjoy? Women also are venturing in greater numbers onto the swinging scene of their own volition: while mainstream commentators still seem to want to believe that women only swing to placate or keep a partner, spending time in swingers' clubs will lead you to meet single women who go along in order to have a choice of sexual partners who are going to know the score ? and also, to have sex in a safe environment where it's understood that having sex with some of the men there doesn't mean you are automatically willing to have sex with every single one of them.
Libido mismatch in longterm heteromonogamous couples is sometimes offered as 'proof' that women like sex less than men: the stereotype of the desperately horny hubby and the angry, reluctant, frigid wifey is often waved around. As a regular reader of the Mumsnet relationships forum, I see quite a lot of evidence that, while this happens, there are nearly as many miserably frustrated women finding that their male partners show no interest in sex with them but no wish to walk out on the relationship or indeed pursue sex with other partners as long as they are getting fed and having their laundry done. It would appear to be true that women, more than men, have less tolerance for rubbish sex. Male sexuality can in some men be pretty linear ? find a hole, enter and ejaculate. Just being thrust into and spunked into is not generally all that gratifying for most women, and when a couple's sex life becomes about getting his rocks off so he'll stop pestering her, then things are just going to get worse and worse. It would seem possible that for some men, the idea that women don't much like sex unless coaxed (or given 'therapy' to make them more obedient) is a comforting one as it avoids the need for the man to consider that the problem might actually lie with his own inadequate performance: some unkind wicked feminist types, like me for instance, also think it likely that the man who is desperate to marry a virgin is a man who wants to be able to convince a naïve partner that his way of doing sex is the proper way.
Sexual desire really does seem to ebb and flow in most people though perhaps, like sexual orientation, it's a continuum, with a few people being almost constantly desperate for it and a few at the other end having no interest at all: both sex addiction and asexuality can occur in men and women, but most of us are somewhere in between those two extremes at any given moment. Probably certainly, women who have recently given birth have a considerably reduced interest in having sex: for one thing, if you gave birth in the normal way you will have a very sore twinkle for a while and if you had a Caesarean, you will have a very sore lower belly that won't fancy being bounced on or bouncing. Some people go off sex in pregnancy, either because of complicated culturally induced anxieties about the sacredness of maternity or, in the case of women, because they feel queasy and generally rough; however others find at least some of those nine months intensely horny. People who are depressed, in poor health, or on certain medications, can find their libidos are stifled as can those who are involved in some kind of all-consuming project.
To over-emphasise the differences in sexual desire and behaviour between men and women does nobody any favours in the long run ? the current obsession with gender difference in all aspects of human behaviour is very harmful as it is, purely and simply, a matter of perpetuating inequality. People who think it's important to maintain the difference between men and women are really people who think that what matters is the hierarchy ? that women shouldn't be allowed male privileges. The term 'neurosexism' coined by Cordelia Fine, author of Delusions of Gender, is a useful shorthand for the various half-baked theories that about 'male' and 'female' behaviour that always boil down to 'Women, you're less than men, suck it up.'
I'm going to give the last word here to writer Thomas Macaulay Miller, who wrote the following in an essay for the anthology Yes Means Yes - 'We live in a culture where sex is not so much an act as a thing: a substance that can be given, bought, sold, or stolen, that has a value and a supply-and-demand curve. In this ?commodity model,? sex is like a ticket; women have it and men try to get it. Women may give it away or may trade it for something valuable, but either way it?s a transaction. This puts women in the position of not only seller, but also guardian or gatekeeper ... To that way of thinking, sex can only ever be transacted, and the transaction that is the most advantageous ins the one that uses the highly valuable early product to maximum advantage, to secure the best possible marriage.
The better model for sex is the one that fits the musician: a performance model, where sex is a performance, and partnered sex is a collaboration.'
To see sex as a collaborative performance rather than a transaction is an excellent way of helping us see our sexual partners as people, as individuals with differing wishes and needs, rather than falling back on the lazy mindset of blaming everything on the other person's gender, or our own.