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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

advice needed desperately regarding social services

881 replies

wannabestressfree · 28/09/2011 21:10

I am desperate for some advice and wondered if anyone could help......

I have three sons. 14,10 and 7. My oldest is aspergers and ADHD, self harms daily and has had two stays in mental hospitals. On sunday he attacked me with a knife in front of my middle son. He didn't hurt me but obviously it was very scarey. He then absconded {he does this a lot} and eventually the police took him to hospital.

A house officer phoned me in the morning and said he would be requiring inpatient treatment but he is medicating at the moment [he is on a childrens ward} and so they have reversed the decision and say he is fit to return home. He self harms daily and his special education school has told social services they are refusing to have him back. I work full time as a teacher.

I told social services I wouldn't have him in the house......... this is after years of asking for help and they have phoned today and said they will give me respite for a week by placing him in foster care in our old home town. I cannot believe they would do this as this is where he absconds too and drinks and was basically told 'tough'......... no other foster carers would take him due to his mental condition. The social worker insisted I tell my school they were dealing with us {head was super supportive} and said they would be looking at the other children. I am so upset as I just want some help.

He will stop taking his medication when he comes home, attack the other children and roams in and out of the house. We are all exhausted.

So advice please............ do I take him back tomorrow or allow him into foster care that I know is not the right place. I honestly feel like they are emotionally blackmailing me..................

OP posts:
GodKeepsGiving · 04/10/2011 10:02

Please let him go into foster care for all your sakes. My mother locked us in her bedroom because my brother was threatening us with knives. She wouldn't put him into care and then years later I fell out with him and he chased me round the house with a kitchen knife when the house was empty. If my father hadn't come home unexpectedly I would be dead. You need some peace and space. My children are autistic and one has Asperger's. Please feel free to private message me if I can help you in any way.

LottieJenkins · 04/10/2011 10:16

GodKeepsGiving Have you read the whole thread??Hmm The OP's son has been in foster care and is now in hospital....................

Maryz · 04/10/2011 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
wannabestressfree · 04/10/2011 13:48

Hi

Managed to speak to the hospital yesterday and unfortunately he had attacked a member of staff with cutlery [a knife]. He was sedated and asleep. I am still not allowed to see him but I hope to go at the end of the week. I am dreading it to be honest as I have been warned he is a bit of a state. I know I have done the right thing as my other ds' are relaxed and happy but the guilt is terrible and I am so tired as can't switch off.

OP posts:
DoNotPressTheRedButton · 04/10/2011 13:53

Oh Wanne, I really wish I could offer you a proper hug.

But imagine how worse that situation would have been if he'd been elsewhere? It is proof that he is in the right place (though why on earth did he have access to any form of knife in the circs?)

Original poster
wannabestressfree · 04/10/2011 14:06

That's why I think donotpress as I would be truly unable to cope if he was at home. Apparently it was a knife to eat dinner. If I am honest I can't see this being resolved quickly.
Quite tellingly his social worker has been replaced though

OP posts:
DoNotPressTheRedButton · 04/10/2011 14:18

(PS sorry should have said I am peachy LOL, new name)

Probably good the SW has been changed, have only had brief forays into secure units but seem to remember a dearth of metal sharp objects across the board.

Maryz · 04/10/2011 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chickchickchicken · 04/10/2011 14:37

if you can please take some comfort from the fact parents and professionals on this thread think you have done the right thing

it may be too much for you to think about making a complaint right now but if you can i would advise that you ask ss in writing for a copy of their complaints procedure. you dont have to go into any detail why you want it and you dont have to act upon it just yet, or at all, but at the very least they will know you have requested it. make sure your request is in writing if you decide to do this.

Original poster
wannabestressfree · 04/10/2011 14:45

I am going to get legal advice this week. And yes I m lucky that I have supportive friends and family. Unfortunately I moved to take up a new job so everyone is an hour away not down the road for cuppa :{
I may have a large phone bill this month :}

OP posts:
Flamingredhead · 04/10/2011 14:53

wannabe do you have advocate to come to meetings with you www.pohwer.net/ they are free and impartial thier job is to support you .

And ss do behave better when you have advocate on board I got one after nasty experaince with disabled childrens team and it made them behave better and watch what they said

SeenButNotHeard · 04/10/2011 17:03

Wannabe please make sure that you look after yourself - your ds, as well as your other children need you to be strong now as much as ever.

I would second the idea of an advocate, either from a service such as Pohower, or a friend or family member. Get them to take notes for you so that you can concentrate on what is being said, but have an accurate record of the meetings.

I really do wish you the best of luck.

DoNotPressTheRedButton · 04/10/2011 18:21

I sent you the link to the Mind site Wannabe, they have a legal helpline which is an 'easy' first stop

DoNotPressTheRedButton · 04/10/2011 18:22

Oh and see if you can get a proper MH advocate; they have certain criteria that other types don't have, and should know the system backwards

Original poster
wannabestressfree · 04/10/2011 21:35

Am really annoyed as have spoken to hospital again and no one has phoned them from social services and he has one set of clothes! Considering he is supposed to be in their care you think they would have phoned the hospital in the very least and released his records.

He is now having medication by injection due to the voices he is hearing and the fact he is attacking staff. From what I can gather he is very unsettledand they are trying to manage him. He is spending most of his time in isolation for his own safety. I feel really let down on his behalf and very far away from him. I my drive up at the weekend.

OP posts:
pollyviewsfrancais · 05/10/2011 09:46

Oh ffs... how disorganised and generally crap can they be? Have you written to your MP? Send them chapter and verse www.writetothem.com/ and ask for their help. Call the people donot suggested too. It'll make you feel a bit less impotent if nothing else.
Sounds like you might have to drive up at the weekend. With clothes if nothing else!

Original poster
wannabestressfree · 06/10/2011 20:41

Finally spoke to social services today and the sw 'assumed' I would be visiting ds1 so said they would be dropping his clothes tomorrow. I am annoyed at their apathy. It will be at least 6 weeks before a what happens next interview at the hospital so have time to gather information and advice.

The hospital sent me a booklet today just explaining what will happen and what I can bring him so I feel a lot happier

OP posts:
Snorbs · 06/10/2011 21:14

Wannabe, A Tip for dealing with social services: Any time you speak to them, follow it up with a letter saying something like "Just to confirm our conversation on xx/xx/xx, you said you would organise and that the next steps will be . I look forward to speaking to you by the end of next week."

Social services runs on a tide of paperwork. Most importantly, if it's not written down it didn't happen. And social workers are, in general, swamped by work so it's very easy for them to forget to keep the notes up to date. So you need to make sure that the important stuff goes on record.

Good luck.

Original poster
wannabestressfree · 06/10/2011 21:34

Thanks snorbs. I suppose its a bit self centred to think mine is the only case sw has. Its just a bit frustrating but I will follow your advice :}

OP posts:
Snorbs · 07/10/2011 08:10

No, you're not being self-centered. this is an incredibly important issue for you, your son and the rest of your family. I think it's entirely understandable to expect the person who will have the most influence over this - your son's social worker - to be involved and communicative and on the ball.

The sad and depressing reality is that social workers often aren't as on the ball as we really should be able to expect them to be. it's a hard job and they're over-worked and they often have ineffectual management and all the other reasons but that's not your fault.

Nevertheless it is the situation that you have to face. So anything you can do to help nudge them in the right direction may well prove beneficial.

Maryz · 07/10/2011 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
wannabestressfree · 09/10/2011 20:45

Visit was good although place is very daunting. He was very relaxed and happy and I even got a hug. He accepts he is there a while and that things need sorting out.

The relief was huge although I spent most of the evening upset. I think everything just hit me in one big go. How much my life is run by ds. I know he is safe and being helped though. He introduced his nurse as 'the man who injects me in the bum' which is a very aspergers way of looking at it. He seemed happy though which makes me think/ confirms that maybe residential will be best. The stressless regimented lifestyle seems to work for him..........

OP posts:
Peachy · 09/10/2011 20:50

Oh I am glad wannabe that it worked out this way BUT a huge hug for you to see you through tonight X

Original poster
wannabestressfree · 09/10/2011 21:12

Thank you Peachy :} gratefully received

OP posts:
lisad123 · 10/10/2011 07:53

I am so glad you got to see him and that he is afeeling better. Sucja shame it had to get so serious before SS did a thing :(
Please try not to beat yourself up about this, you are doing your best for your whole family. x