advice needed desperately regarding social services

[wannabestressfree]

I am desperate for some advice and wondered if anyone could help......

I have three sons. 14,10 and 7. My oldest is aspergers and ADHD, self harms daily and has had two stays in mental hospitals. On sunday he attacked me with a knife in front of my middle son. He didn't hurt me but obviously it was very scarey. He then absconded {he does this a lot} and eventually the police took him to hospital.

A house officer phoned me in the morning and said he would be requiring inpatient treatment but he is medicating at the moment [he is on a childrens ward} and so they have reversed the decision and say he is fit to return home. He self harms daily and his special education school has told social services they are refusing to have him back. I work full time as a teacher.

I told social services I wouldn't have him in the house......... this is after years of asking for help and they have phoned today and said they will give me respite for a week by placing him in foster care in our old home town. I cannot believe they would do this as this is where he absconds too and drinks and was basically told 'tough'......... no other foster carers would take him due to his mental condition. The social worker insisted I tell my school they were dealing with us {head was super supportive} and said they would be looking at the other children. I am so upset as I just want some help.

He will stop taking his medication when he comes home, attack the other children and roams in and out of the house. We are all exhausted.

So advice please............ do I take him back tomorrow or allow him into foster care that I know is not the right place. I honestly feel like they are emotionally blackmailing me..................

If you refuse to take him back, they will take your demand for residential school much more seriously. If you keep taking him home, they will 'assume' (officially, in reality they will know) you're coping and you will most likely be denied a place. At the very least it will increase your chances of decent respite in your home.

Residential schools can be fantastic places, and most children will go home at weekends. You're not giving him up or giving up on him if you send him to one.

Agreed BHP.

OP tell SS that you simply cannot have him back because of the threat he poses. Get your other DC;s school to back you up that they are at risk because of it.

I really appreciate all your advice. I think I will accept the placement and formulate some sort of plan. Its awful to watch him go through this but I don't feel I have a choice. I also feel bullied by social services and have been made to feel quite crap. They said they would see me tomorrow if i agreed to foster carers and that they wanted my financial documents too to see if I could contribute. I just am not sure what happens next. Am I told where he is going? Will he just be returned home after a week?

I will go into my sons school. They are aware after the knife incident. He screamed at ds2 he was going to cut my throat so he is not sleeping now. They were very sympathetic

I just lost a really long reply but will try again.

Firstly I've never wanted to tell anyone to get to fuck on here before but evie really??? You have no idea I'm afraid.

wannabe I'm so sorry you have reached crisis point. I agree with others that a week of FC will give you all the breathing space you need to decide where to go next.

I work in special education and we have many pupils who go into FT residential care at 12-14 yo because it become too much for them to remain at home. They have 1-2 carers 24/7 (except when at school) and often visit home. Most of them have settled better because their life is tailored to them iyswim?

I am sending you ((hugs)) because I have experienced first hand the anguish of parents in your situation.

Rest assured whatever you decide to do in this difficult situation it is clear from your posts it's done out of love for your son.

Please try and get some rest tonight.

YY to youarekidding - Child with SN often settle down when they are in placements or at residential school because they have a strict routine which can be adhered to at all times. No siblings getting sick and ruining plans or just general things in home life that seem innocuous to most but can have a devastating effect on children with conditions like ASD's behaviour.

Please PM me if you want advice or just a chat. I too work in Special Needs and am happy to let you vent or work through some practical stuff with you :)

Thank you youarekidding I really appreciate that. Sleeping is so difficult and i returned to work today so the other two could get back to normality. I told ss I would call them in the morning with my decision although he made it clear the place might not still be there.

This is a contributing factor BahHumPug I have crohns disease and spend time in hospital. Its a bit catch 22 too as stress exacerbates it and i have a bad flare up. I was last in London and he wouldn't come to see me. Its very unsettling for him. I will add this was a year ago.

They will find him a place if you refuse point blank to take him, if it comes to it. Good luck.

I will pm you tomorrow bhp when ss have been. And thanks

X-posted.

If your health is at stake, as is the welfare of your other DCs, then residential really might be the best option for you. DS1 will get the routine and stability he needs, as will your other children. You will have reduced stressed levels, as will DS1, which will probably improve your relationship.

Set the ball rolling. Make notes of everything, get back up from all the schools he's been to and from your other DCs' school. You are entitled to help and you need to go about getting it :)

Thanks I will be in touch to ask your advice as to who I need to get information from. I really do feel better and less of a monster to have had positive advice

Please be reassured that other parents have reached the point you are in and dont let SS make you feel guilty. A very good friend of mine, a lovely person and great mother, reached the stage (after fighting for help for years and years to help him and her other children cope) where she demanded her son was sectioned and he was forcibly taken from her home. As you can imagine incredibly distressing for everyone but she firmly believed that it was in his best interest too as he was becoming so violent. Following this extreme course of action he spent a few months in a residential psychiatrist unit with 24hr supervision. He remained extremely angry for a few months and my friend was distraught. He would demand/cry/threaten to be taken home. She remained firm and it has really worked out well for him. He had daily therapy and great social workers at the unit. Her local SS repeatedly tried to get him back home (cheaper for them, resources stretched, etc) but the staff at the unit insisted he needed to stay there. I think he was there for about 6 months. After a proper (and not the cheapest) rehabilitation he is now living a mile or so from his mum in supported housing. They see each other a few times a week. They have been able to build up to his siblings rebuilding their relationships with him.

I also have a son with AS and would never judge another parent in your situation. It is incredibly hard. By the way I used to be a social worker and a foster carer so I know how the so called 'system' works but I have still struggled to access help. We have taken LEA to tribunal twice to get appropriate educational provision. That takes its toll, mentally, physically and financially.

If it was me I wouldnt believe that they only have one foster carer available. They may only have one available at the price they want to pay but they will have access to independent foster carers (usually they cost double) as well as other providers. If they have even the slightest doubt that you will continue to cope and your son can still live at home (first choice for all of us who love our kids but not always possible) then sadly they will continue to not provide the best (which usually in these cases mean the most expensive) care

x posts (got upset typing remembering how distraught my friend was). good advice above. good luck

They said they had approached other carers but they wouldn't take him due to his daily self harming. They also refused to look out of area. Do I have a right to appeal the choice of placement? The social worker basically said 'tough' and that if I didn't like it he could come home.

He will be extremely angry and after making threats to kill i have to take it seriously

The police took ds1 sunday and sat outside a hospital with him for five hours as there was no psych on call and then drove him seventy miles to another hospital where he is now.

Wannabee, I just want to add my support to what the others are saying.
you sound like a great mum, stretched to the absolute limits by a truly impossible situation. Perhaps if you just had your son to consider you could devote yourself 24/7 to his welfare and health but as someone who works with family carers I know that this takes a huge toll and rapidly produces burnt out, exhausted people.
But it's not just you and your son, your other children, as you've said, deserve some "normality" and some safety, both physical and emotional.
We all know just how over stretched and under resourced social services are but that is their problem, not yours! For all your sakes, not least your son's, you need to get him into a placement, whether that's psychiatric unit or EBD school, where he can be protected from himself and given expert help. Your his mum, you love him and want the best for him but that doesn't mean you can fix him, you need a team of people around you helping to get him through this period of his life.
Keep fighting, even when you think you can't, and don't be talked into taking him back home.
Hugs to you.

SS do make me cross sometimes they spout the same old stuff. They will access to specialist foster carers (i was one) who will take young people with complex needs or are violent. I am assuming you are in UK but should have asked?

My friend was very worried for the safety of her other children but crucially she didnt want her son to end up with a criminal record and/or in prison. If it helps that was the clincher for her in taking the drastic action she took. She really believed that what she was doing was in his best interests

Yes we are in Kent he has been in a unit here and a maudsley in London. I was in a similar position in that the police gave him the option of going to hospital with them and be arrested for affray. They made it very clear they were concerned for his mental health.

I honestly think that the reason they are refusing to admit him {although thats what they first wanted} is that his friend is currently an inpatient at the unit and they also spar with each other as to who can do the worst thing to their bodies. They are not allowed contact for this reason. She lives in our home town.

Who provides care when you are ill/in hospital?

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I come from the other side of this - my brother, whilst undiagnosed with anything - long time ago now - was very violent and sexually abusive at home. I would have given anything for him to have been taken somewhere so that I could feel safe.

Please act for your younger children as well as your eldest son.

Where's the father in all this, OP?

Ds1 goes to my mums. After several incidents there she is refusing to help anymore with him This has led to me cancelling a planned op i need in London twice as there is no one to have him. My other sons go to my xhusbands. Ds1 refuses even to acknowledge him now so thats not an option either.

I have no exp of SN with violent teens, but my non SN ( sorry, don't know correct term)violent teen( violence towards siblings) was dealt with via youth offending team. I believe they have knowledge of SN and may, ( long shot) be able to help??

They worked exceptionally well for us. Accessed via police.

Thanks ILoveTIFFANY we have done that due to him being caught shoplifting drink twice. It was useful but his behaviour has escalated.