advice needed desperately regarding social services

[wannabestressfree]

I am desperate for some advice and wondered if anyone could help......

I have three sons. 14,10 and 7. My oldest is aspergers and ADHD, self harms daily and has had two stays in mental hospitals. On sunday he attacked me with a knife in front of my middle son. He didn't hurt me but obviously it was very scarey. He then absconded {he does this a lot} and eventually the police took him to hospital.

A house officer phoned me in the morning and said he would be requiring inpatient treatment but he is medicating at the moment [he is on a childrens ward} and so they have reversed the decision and say he is fit to return home. He self harms daily and his special education school has told social services they are refusing to have him back. I work full time as a teacher.

I told social services I wouldn't have him in the house......... this is after years of asking for help and they have phoned today and said they will give me respite for a week by placing him in foster care in our old home town. I cannot believe they would do this as this is where he absconds too and drinks and was basically told 'tough'......... no other foster carers would take him due to his mental condition. The social worker insisted I tell my school they were dealing with us {head was super supportive} and said they would be looking at the other children. I am so upset as I just want some help.

He will stop taking his medication when he comes home, attack the other children and roams in and out of the house. We are all exhausted.

So advice please............ do I take him back tomorrow or allow him into foster care that I know is not the right place. I honestly feel like they are emotionally blackmailing me..................

I'm seriously shocked that you're experiencing such hardship.

Get on to Bindmans, tell them how much you've managed to scrimp and save towards the £400, and throw yourselves on their mercy - FFS, someone's gotta give you a break and they can afford it.

As for the sw, make it clear to that twat that unless you are given a travel warrant or reimbursed for your expenses, there is no way you can afford to finance 600+mile return journeys to visit your ds on those occasions when they deign to allow you to do so.

I am just going on. Bad day. Can't even drink to dull the pain as mixed with morphine I would become a fruit loop.

I will sort something. As always.

When it seems that you can't beat the fruitiloops, I sometimes think the only answer is to join them, honey.

I'm gonna have three one for you , go in search of my inner vengeful goddess who's never far away, and point her in the direction of useless sws everywhere.

Thank you izzy :)

Aw honey, there's absolutely no need for you to thank me.

Thank you for sharing your experiences here where I have no doubt that your struggles will stand as an inspiration to others in similar circumstances whose backs are also against the wall.

Onward & upward... tomorrow is another day, and one of these days 'tomorrow' will be a day you look forward to.

Wannabe - I dropped my laptop and smashed the screen so can only access MN via my phone at the moment. I wanted to send you a PM rather than a post, but can't for the life of me work out how to start a PM in mobile mode.

Anyhow, I'm a tax adviser and if you would be willing to let me then I will help you sort out your tax credits with HMRC. I'm on maternity leave at present so have some time spare.

I would also like to offer you £400 for the solicitor. Think of it as a loan if you would prefer, but I'd much rather you accept it as a gift.

All the very best to you and all of your DSs.

I will love your help with my tax credits Cinnabar. Thank you so much.
And thank you Izzy for your continued support. I know I don't have to thank everybody but I can't explain what a big difference all your support has made. With working full time, visiting DS and looking after the other two I only have a couple of RL friends and no time to see them. I think if I am honest I have sunk into depression and I need to do something about it.

Cinnabar if you could PM me that would be great.

Have had letter from chief executive of Maudsley apologising individually for the complaints I made and saying when the report is ready they will send it to me. Should I forward this to Bindmans as its the same as the one from the psychiatrist?

Cinnabarred you have actually made me cry :)

Have just read an article about the Ardenleigh being for Britains most disturbed teenagers. It makes me feel so crap. My little boy, not sure I will ever reconcile my feelings with whats fact. How can you?

He was quite happy when I chatted to him last night. But then he does such awful things and says things that frighten people. He tells me very matter of factly that he loves me then admits in group he wants to murder me.

Anyway I need to feel better I am seeing him tomorrow and have to be chatty and happy or he will over analysis me. I feel hopeless.

He may well be the size of a adult male..stand over him to take his meds ?.. I hope it is that easy..and stopping them leaving..I wish it was easy..no disrespect intended..sometimes the practical or what seams simple is not the case with these children.

Oh wannabe.:( What a terrible time you're having. I am SO angry to read the social worker's thoughtless, vile words. Shocking. You hang in there, honey. You are doing so well, supporting all three of your babies as best you can and having to fight every step of the way. It is not your fault that your boy is so troubled. Or his fault. He is, quite simply and also terribly complexly, ill.

I work in a related field and if it's any comfort at all I will think once twice seventeen thousand times about how to work better with parents and carers after reading about your experiences. Your story has opened my eyes to how appalling it can be to love someone who is in the mental health system and to feel constantly helpless and blamed. I hope my eyes were more open already than some of the woeful sounding professionals you've mentioned on this thread but you have had a profound influence on me.

I too was very moved by cinnabarred's offer to help with the tax credits. I really hope you will take her up on it.

I also really hope your visit goes well and that you feel better soon. xxxxx

Thanks Scummy I am sat in class with the sixth form trying very hard not to cry. Thank god its lunch next.

Madonna he is in hospital and has been for sixth months now. And he is still refusing when he feels like it and they have the right to inject it in his bottom.

I'm so very sorry for this terrible lot you are baring..my comment was to a responce..concerning medicating your boy and making him stay..must of skiped a post or two, and it is the first time I have posted so I think I messed it up...I have walked in your shoes with my son..he wasn't violent to me though all off the rest..he just hurt himself..I spent years juggling my other children and my job just to keep Nicolas alive. I not offering a solution just a prayer for you and your family that you can find a way to cope xoxo

That's ok Madonna its a long post and was started months ago. Welcome and thank you for your post.

I think the stress of keeping your child alive is unbearable and I totally understand what you mean. How is he now if you don't mind me asking?

I am just glad there is somewhere to come to talk about these things. And get advice from others. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

x

I am SO angry. Bloody sw went to see DS today and told him when he is released he will be going in half way foster care. That has NEVER been discussed with me and why would they ever discuss that with him prior to talking to me and a YEAR before a possible discharge. He is climbing the walls and hospital has logged an official complaint. Am so proud of him though as in true DS stylee he told her
' if a medium secure couldn't hold me I am staying there for five minutes then going home to my mum'

After the week he has had this is the last thing he needs. He is now convinced we are all plotting against him. Am seriously considering having him removed from LAC. They do more harm than good. He has only remained so as the hospital advised there would be more money/ services available for him when he leaves.

So so cross......... will be talking to her monday.

Is this the same SW who said you only saw DS when you could be bothered? Time for a serious complaint to her boss, to back up the hospital. So sorry you've got yet another complication to worry about. Try not to let her spoil your next visit to DS. The fact he said he'd escape home to you shows he knows you're on his side.

When you mentioned that a social worker had been in touch with you, I assumed that you were referring to a hospital sw.

Are you saying that your ds is in the care of your local authority and that, having made a crass comment in her email to you, his sw went to see him today?

Did you voluntarily place your ds in the care of your local authority? If so, when?

He has a social worker from when he was in foster care for a day an a half after attacking me. I still retain parental responsibility and he is in my care. I voluntarily placed him when I said I wouldn't have him home after his stay resulted in him being sent home. I knew he was ill and they wouldn't listen. He then disappeared and seriously self harmed. It turned out SS hadn't informed the foster parent he had MH issues.

The lady who went to see him today is the manager of the team he comes under. She commutes so lives near the unit. His actual social worker doesn't visit him.

I know I am probably being over sensitive but I have never given up or walked away from my responsibilities with him Izzy. I was just desperate for help and after five referrals they still wouldn't listen. I have asked about having his LAC removed and they would but all the hospitals have advised me not too because he will get extra help/ money/ and stays on radar.

It's the timings of what she has said that annoys me. I want him better and home. That's all I have ever wanted.

You are a wonderful mother - never doubt that.

I am going to ask that he is removed from LAC. I can't see the positives in him remaining so. Today's events have just confirmed what I thought.

Oh, honey, please don't get me wrong. In no way was I implying that you've at any time abdicated your responsibilities to your ds.

It's patently obvious that, to the detriment of your own health, you've done everything you can to bring about positive outcomes for your ds and you've been stymied at every turn by those who are tasked with providing appropriate resources/placements for him.

The only reason I asked was that it may have a material bearing on certain aspects of his/your case if he is in the care of SS.

As your ds was on the radar prior to you agreeing to him being placed in voluntary care, and as I cannot see any evidence of him having received extra help/money since that date, I'm unconvinced that the advice you've received from various hospitals is correct.

In addition, it seems to me that his being in care has enabled the hospitals to bypass and/or marginalise you, as has been done today when a sw from your local authority has visited your ds without your knowledge.

As for what the sw told him, notwithstanding the fact that your la's plans are entirely inappropriate for him, it's unrealistic to expect that he will go from a forensic unit to foster care.

In any event, we now have prior knowledge of your la's intentions with regard to your ds and can put our minds to sourcing the best possible placement for him when it comes to him being stepped down.

Out of curiousity, is your la providing your ds with a weekly allowance?