advice needed desperately regarding social services

[wannabestressfree]

I am desperate for some advice and wondered if anyone could help......

I have three sons. 14,10 and 7. My oldest is aspergers and ADHD, self harms daily and has had two stays in mental hospitals. On sunday he attacked me with a knife in front of my middle son. He didn't hurt me but obviously it was very scarey. He then absconded {he does this a lot} and eventually the police took him to hospital.

A house officer phoned me in the morning and said he would be requiring inpatient treatment but he is medicating at the moment [he is on a childrens ward} and so they have reversed the decision and say he is fit to return home. He self harms daily and his special education school has told social services they are refusing to have him back. I work full time as a teacher.

I told social services I wouldn't have him in the house......... this is after years of asking for help and they have phoned today and said they will give me respite for a week by placing him in foster care in our old home town. I cannot believe they would do this as this is where he absconds too and drinks and was basically told 'tough'......... no other foster carers would take him due to his mental condition. The social worker insisted I tell my school they were dealing with us {head was super supportive} and said they would be looking at the other children. I am so upset as I just want some help.

He will stop taking his medication when he comes home, attack the other children and roams in and out of the house. We are all exhausted.

So advice please............ do I take him back tomorrow or allow him into foster care that I know is not the right place. I honestly feel like they are emotionally blackmailing me..................

As Maryz has said, tempting as it may be, you're best advised not to make any decision in anger - and you should certainly not commit anything to paper/email until you have a cool and level head.

As I've told you, I refrained from posting over the last week or so because of my concern for your health. At the present time that has to come first because you are the lynchpin on which everything hangs.

Hopefully, once the Bindmans wagon train gets rolling, much of the pressure and stress will be taken off your shoulders.

To this end, should you feel reluctant to accept Cinnabar's generous offer to pay the full amount, perhaps you would find it easier if a few of us chipped in? £133 and a few p each from Cinnabar, Maryz and me? If you pm your name, I can put a cheque in the post to Bindmans tomorrow.

Have Bindmans done anything/written to anyone on your behalf, or has it simply been a question of you sending them everything you receive without getting much feedback as to its possible importance/impact on your/ds's case?

OMG WTF!!!
I've followed your thread from the beginning and posted once before, but i am so angry for you after reading your post today...

Maryz & Izzy's advice, is as ever spot on.

Who the hell do these SWs think they are??

My DS is 7. He has Aspergers, ADHD & SPD. I live in one of the poorest boroughs in London but managed to get my son in an independant AS school 2 months ago.After a very long battle with LEA, 3 years. I had been told by CAMHs etc, i would not get him into AS education without a long and expensive tribunal...

He was excluded by the age of 5 from mainstream and holds the record for being the youngest child in the borough to attend a PRU. He never managed to go to school full time until he started his new school. He is very aggressive, extremely anxious, appears at times to be depressed and started talking about killing himself at 6.

My motivation? That whatever happens i need to be able to look back and say i did whatever i could/had to/needed to. So if i stand in a prison, hospital or cemetery with my son i can tell myself i did all that i could have done. You know what? As i read your posts, i realised that all im doing and have done might not make any difference. But, God knows i cant stop trying as there is nothing else i can do.

You are so strong, the love you have for your son shines through your posts. Your an intelligent and informed person, dont let that ignorant, stupid SW get to you, complain, direct the anger at the inept systems you are being forced to use.

Take care of yourself, all your children are lucky to have such a great mum.

The very best of luck...

You've done amazingly well, Shelly, and you can rest assured that you have already made a significant difference to your ds' emotional welfare and wellbeing by getting him into a school that is capable of recognising and meeting his needs.

To my mind, all any of us can hope for is to do right by our loved ones and the wider community and trust that we will have no cause to reproach ourselves with 'if only's' in the future.

I hope you won't consider this to be an overly intrusive question, but may I ask if you are a 'professional' i.e educated to degree level or above? I do have a reason for asking which I will explain if you feel able to answer - but please feel free to ignore this request.

I'm merely seeking to make a couple of notes here:

After the abrupt and traumatic manner in which he was displaced from the BY and transported to Ardenleigh, you were refused leave to visit your ds for some considerable time.

To the best of my recollection, after you had made plans to make the 300mile+ journey, you were told that his behaviour was such that a visit from you was not allowed.

However it would appear that, although your ds's behaviour has recently given further cause for concern, a sw from your LA has been able/allowed by his clinicians to visit him without let, hindrance, or any prior consultation with you.

As this is only a notation I will resist the temptation to exclaim WTF at this point.

I will make this short
My Ds attempted suicide last night and is seriously ill. He made threats to kill himself and members of staff. He feels I am in collusion with SS. My visit has been cancelled.

I am so so upset. I am going to try and contact SW to ask if she realises what she has done.

I will also be trying to contact bindmans.

I know this is factual but I don't know what else to say

Jesus, Wannabe I'm so sorry

Have been lurking on this thread. Can't say anything practical, hopefully someone will be along soon. Please be kind to yourself.

Can send ((((HUGS)))) and say I'll be thinking of you and your son.

Hello, I am sure the more informed posters will be along shortly.

But I saw this and wanted to express how sorry I am. For you and your lovely boy.

I can see why you are being factual. Please take a crumb of comfort that there are many readers of your story who are willing you on. Even if the only real help we can give is to give you space on these boards to allow you offload.

Please be kind to yourself today x

P

Oh wannabe, nothing constructive to add, thinking of you and your son :(

Oh Wannabe, I have been lurking on this thread. I don't know what to say other than that you are such a wonderful, strong and committed mother and I wish you and your son see better times ahead. I can not begin to imagine how you must be feeling today and I am thinking of you and your family.

Oh Wannabe, I have been lurking on this thread. I don't know what to say other than that you are such a wonderful, strong and committed mother and I wish you and your son see better times ahead. I can not begin to imagine how you must be feeling today and I am thinking of you and your family.

Wannabe I am a lurker too, I have nothing practical to say either but I have for a long time wanted to make myself know just to give you support and a very unMN hug. I think now is the time to do that. I am so so sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you and your son. Wishing you both lots of love and strength.

Wannabe, Words cannot describe what you are going through, My heart goes out to you and your Ds.

Take care of yourself... xxx

wannabe I'm so sorry x

Zombie is rarely at a loss for words. But she is now. She'll stick to her best talent instead.

(((((((((( wannabestressfree ))))))))))

Oh no am just so terribly sorry - just found your story last night (what a journey you have been on) and

Sending you strength via the net is there anything legally you can do about this what a shocking big mess for you xxx

Have friends with family with massive problems with similar stuff like this going on so I know the ripple effect of this situation on all those around you

I'm so very sorry. If there is anything - anything at all - we can do to help, then please let us know.

Oh my love. I'm so so sorry. Document EVERYTHING now, print copies of emails, write down exactly what DS said to you re SW.

Fuck your visit being cancelled - do you want to go to him?

If so I am more than happy to help in anyway I can - you know from PM that I'm not far from unit. Happy to help with petrol, whatever.

Much love xxxxx

Wannabee - so sorry to hear this. I'm with the others that will be happy to help you pay Bindman's initial fee. I just wish I could do something more practical; can we organise you a supermarket delivary or something. That sounds so minor, I'm sorry, just wish I could help more.

Wannabe just discovered this thread, read it from beginning to end and am completely in awe of you. Please, please make a formal complaint about that social worker - completely unacceptable. And I'm also happy to send some money towards your Bindman's fee. And I really, really hope your DS begins to improve.

I could happily put that SW against the wall and strangle her myself :(

And sending a (((((((((((((((massive hug)))))))))))) Your courage and persistence are totally awe-inspiring. I hope you ExH is stepping up to the plate.

Wannabestressfree

Regarding SS's attempts at threats to look at your other kids/job etc, have you contacted your local MP? Many of them support closer scrutiny of the way SS behave in these situations. Your MP may be able to place pressure and ask difficult questions.

Make it clear to SS that should they insist upon his return to the family home and as a result, one of your other children suffers harm, that you will hold them legally and professionally responsible. Tell them you will accuse them of breaching their duty of care. Tell them you will marshall all media resources to highlight their failure to act in a broader sense. Stand strong in the face of blackmail and threats from SS. Tape record every phone call you have with them. This is vital.

Also, Rosa Monckton is currently running a campaign to highlight the lack of both transition to adult care for all types of LD and what will happen once parents are no longer there or able to provide care. Your voice is needed on here too-

www.rosamonckton.com/index.php/home/

Atree, you might want to read the whole thread. Wannabe is going through a horrendous time.