advice needed desperately regarding social services

[wannabestressfree]

I am desperate for some advice and wondered if anyone could help......

I have three sons. 14,10 and 7. My oldest is aspergers and ADHD, self harms daily and has had two stays in mental hospitals. On sunday he attacked me with a knife in front of my middle son. He didn't hurt me but obviously it was very scarey. He then absconded {he does this a lot} and eventually the police took him to hospital.

A house officer phoned me in the morning and said he would be requiring inpatient treatment but he is medicating at the moment [he is on a childrens ward} and so they have reversed the decision and say he is fit to return home. He self harms daily and his special education school has told social services they are refusing to have him back. I work full time as a teacher.

I told social services I wouldn't have him in the house......... this is after years of asking for help and they have phoned today and said they will give me respite for a week by placing him in foster care in our old home town. I cannot believe they would do this as this is where he absconds too and drinks and was basically told 'tough'......... no other foster carers would take him due to his mental condition. The social worker insisted I tell my school they were dealing with us {head was super supportive} and said they would be looking at the other children. I am so upset as I just want some help.

He will stop taking his medication when he comes home, attack the other children and roams in and out of the house. We are all exhausted.

So advice please............ do I take him back tomorrow or allow him into foster care that I know is not the right place. I honestly feel like they are emotionally blackmailing me..................

Perhaps Maryz that's because you can think a bit about how things are effecting you and your family not just your ds.
I think I might pop along to the doctors again. I haven't really spoken to them about it. I was there thursday as my crohns is bad but it doesn't take an expert to work out why

Is there a carer's support group or carer's worker in your area??? I know you probably are too busy to even look one up never mind go right now but if there is one locally meeting others in similar situations may help. My mum goes and has massages and makes things and finds it quite useful.

Will have a look into that thanks :}
Hospital phoned for weekly review and they think he has made progress this week. They have agreed to a days escorted leave before christmas although a. he literally can't put a foot wrong until then and b. he will be taken back if it gets too much. Unfortunately he has made a list of those he would like to 'kill' and this has been discovered so the police and local services have to be informed he is here and that he will be 'attached' to a burly nurse! It don't think things like that bode well for him when he has his forensic testing and to be honest I am not convinced he will manage that long at home............
Anyway onwards and upwards

I am hurt as my brother and sister live twenty minutes from the hospital and have been once to see him! They were quite vocal about him being there and yet I have asked them to visit and they are always busy. So once again saturday I will put the other two in the car and go and see him for an hour. I know I sound resentful but it wouldn't hurt them to pop there. Its a five hour round trip for us...............

Thinking of you all

They did go once. My sister {23} was astonished they confiscated the copy of nuts she had taken him. I really laughed when she told me this! What a thing to take him!! The problem is you have to book a room and a nurse to see him and they won't actually commit to anything. I sent my brother [32 no kids] a message tonight to say I was struggling and could they go and he said he would have a massive hangover saturday and wanted to christmas shop and so didn't want to let him down. My sister is yet to reply to similar message!

I just think it wouldn't hurt them to offer. They are in the next town and I am in a different county. Oh well.......... I did ask her to take him a coat this week as she is off all week and she said yes if I paid her train fare! In the end she still wouldn't commit to a day so I sent it recorded delivery.

Had a very short phone call to him today as he was extra moody due to doctor refusing his 15 leave as he said he wasn't ready. This was all my fault. He feels he is better and wants to leave regardless of the fact he is only 8 days without incident......................grrrrrrrrrr

my biggest hugs to you, i have no advice but i think your coping brilliantly

Your siblings sound like twats but I can understand the fear they must have of doing something wrong of they visit him.

Just read through this and want to throw in my support, you have consistently done the best thing, for your ds, your other dcs and yourself. Please don't feel guilty, its an awful situaton.

Hopefully some of the others are right and he will improve as he gets older, if this is the case then the hospital is entirely the best place for him to do this as he will avoid any unsavoury influences. How sad for Maryz ds to be getting better but held back by the drugs, how sad that she was denied the support her son needed.

You have done the absolute best you could. I hold my hat off to you.

Feel really crap tonight had long chat with the psychiatrist and absolutely no chance of leave until forensic assessment. He is their most high risk patient and they are convinced he is reasonably complying to come home and kill himself.
Am going to see him sunday with my other ds. They don't think he would cope full stop outside anyway and she said even if he improved there is no chance they will rescind the section under the six months. He just isn't well enough.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

At least he's in the best possible place for him, and he hasn't been able to pull the wool over their eyes. You, he, and your other children are all safe.

Where's your ex in all this? I know you posted early on in the thread that he and your DS don't see each other any more, but surely he should be offering some support now, to your younger children if not to you or DS.

Hugs to you tonight.

He does have the other ds every other weekend and last weekend he did have a discussion about ds with me and offered to call, what he wanted for christmas etc........ He is very supportive to other ds.

I am not making excuses for exp but ds really made his life hard work and most of the time refused to interact with him on any level. He isn't a bad man other than being quite childish but I felt he had thawed a bit last week so hopefully that's a step forward.
I agree he is in the best possible place. Its just very difficult at this time of year ..........

((hugs)) wannabe - I 've been looking at this thread lately and have been thinking about you and your ds a lot. It must make it so much harder with it being christmas, but hopefully you'll all be in a better place this time next year because of the help that he's getting now.

I spoke to him tonight and he was remarkably unbothered about not coming home........... just goes to show lol. They have told him it will be at least a month before he gets more than 15 minutes outside. He seems ok with this too but it could be the calm before the storm :}
Thanks Roundcorn sometimes I feel like all I do is bleet and moan on here but I hope it won't be too long and he will turn a corner. Or at least they will decide whats in his best interests long term.

although I haven't posted on your thread before, I have thought of you and your sons often. this is such a difficult situation and unsettling for all your boys.

I really hope that they are able to manage your son's condition so that he can start to live again. Having someone you love so much, hell bent on hurting themselves is soul destroying - I have experienced that first hand. I can't imagine the level of distress he must be experiencing to be unable to see beyond this but it does sound as if he is in the right place, they seem to have the measure of him and it seems that the various agencies are working together to help him.

Hopefully, your younger boys now have a safer more balanced home too and are more settled and happier as a result - do they have enough support?

Equally important, do you? Please take care of your physical and mental wellbeing. There seems to be so much counting on you, please ask for the support you need to keep going.

x

Hi Maryz...... invaluable support as ever :}
My mum and step dad are fab. They try and visit and she will call him. My natural father is sadly schizophrenic so is not allowed to see him and to be honest I don't really see him either. He texts occasionally but that's it.

I will enjoy christmas and I plan to see him lots. I think you are right in that its expected to be a happy, Griswold stylee christmas and I feel a bit redundant but I am determined my other ds' will have a good time.

I have felt better this week than I did. I seemed to feel on the verge of constant panic and wanting to cry and that seems to have passed. I think I may have anxiety or the blues at the moment but it seems more manageable. It does feel good to be able to chat on here though. I feel like I depress the people I chat to in RL as its such a sombre topic and quite isolating but I can be quite free on here.

Thanks all for support. Hope your son is well Maryz. And thanks Brik for checking in. My other ds are doing very well especially now they are a bit more 'free'. They are looking forward to seeing him sunday though.

Glad to hear that you're feeling a little more ok Wannabe. Make the most of the Christmas holidays to rest lots. Thinking of you and your sons x

What a terrible time you've had, OP. I've been reading this thread with tears in my eyes for you, your younger sons and your poor son in hospital. I can't tell you how much I hope everything improves for you. I hope you all have a peaceful Christmas and the best possible new year.

Wannabe, I have only just seem this thread but just wanted to send my best wishes and support to you and your family. I cannot even imagine the stress you are all under .

My DS has Asperger's. He is only 6 years old but has episodes of extreme anger/violence (trashes house, lashes out at other children and adults, breaks windows, absconds from school....he punched a teacher in the face last week nd attacked me with a chair a few days ago). Npbody can understand what it is like unless you have been through it.

DH and I are very loving parents, both professionals, have another child who is neurotypical and an absolute dream behaviour-wise. We know the AS is the root cause of DS's behaviours, but it is hard not to beat yourself up and ask 'where the hell did we go wrong' when you are being called to collect himfrom school for kicking in a door again.

It is so very stressful and upsetting for us all (including DS ) and I worry about the future so much and what will become of him when he hits his teens.

Just wanted to say - I totally empathise and understand x

WannaBe, I have no advice but just wanted to send you lots of love. You are doing an amazing job and fwiw I think you're doing 100% right by all your ds's. Xx

Just wanted to add, I know it's completely different but I have had problems with my mental health and had periods of psychosis with auditory hallucinations. I was admitted to a secure psychiatric hospital and it was honestly the best thing that happened to me. When I was in the grips of psychosis I felt so out of control and scared bur being in the hospital made me feel safe and secure. I know this probably sounds irrelevant but I was thinking you might worry about how your son feels in hospital and chances are he probably feels the same as I did. He honestly is in tbe best place.