Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
" Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship. Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships. A UK site, but sounds very American.

Drat, a couple missing paragraph breaks there. Oh well, at least the hyperlinks stand out.

Here's the last page of the last thread, so that the last posts can continue to be discussed here.

Where's Bibi tonight?
Out drinking with the neighbours and having fun? Disgraceful...

Hello!

"hissycrying with you already...can't bear the fact that I've landed my lovely children with this and they are beginning to show signs of suffering, and whatever i do they are going to suffer aren't they?
Can't give them the mindlessly wonderful childhood they deserve...only choice is a broken home together or a broken home apart...what a choice......"

If we stay where we are, with the emotional cattle prod of a supposed man who is the father of our beloved, angelic babes, yes, they will suffer, and continue to do so until THEY leave us with him.

If we leave, we and they will stop suffering (and sooner than you think) and we will all heal. Life will get better for us all, eventually. With our abusers it will only get worse.

Agree with the quote from my dear, dear MN friend AF, that our DC have a lot of childhood left to enjoy.

I daresay she'll pop by to say hello and check in on us all, she usually does! I'll leave a hug for her here, cos we all know how embarrassed she gets about hugs! Oh and seeing as we're getting fluffier and fluffier by the day.... some too!

Hello everyone
Hissy you will get through this. Yes there will be tears but you are not alone and remember, at least you are capable of authentic emotion, unlike these narcissistic robots. Own the feelings and say "this is my time to feel this way" because it is a valuable and essential part of healing.
buttons what an incredible person you are and how well you have done to step up to the DC's needs. Bloody brilliant to hear how well they are responding too.

Thanks for all your hard work Puppy!

We all have SO much to talk about!
Do you think there will ever come a day this thread isn't needed?

Just wanted to say 6 months building you up - exactly right for me too. It was bliss until that point, then worse than any relationship since teenagedom. Pretty sharp drop too, although I was pregnant by then so didn't feel I could take an escape route.

Also, I did get to a point where the things he said were just so obsurd I started laughing like a maniac. I couldn't stop myself. And I was out 2 months later.

Yes sorry Puppy I rather took your excellent work for granted. How rude!

Night all, hope you have a peaceful one undisturbed by twats

thanks puppy

butterflybee-I relate to in the end laughing hysterically at the ludicrous things being said/pomposity/put-downs, once I stood back and viewed him as a performer.Shame there were alot of tears as well, but detaching yourself when you live with it, is a survival/damage limitation positition to take,as well as a new way of hearing what is being said when you are a bit more clued up.Still hurt though.

And bellsring once you are out and free and you watch him still playing the same old games and trying to manipulate the kids/his family/the cleaner it is a revelation.

It wasn't me it was him!! But now he blames someone else for his problems

Hi there. thought I would check in, as the new thread was still young. It always seemed a bit too overwhelming when the count was in the hundreds, but 12 I can cope with!!
But bearing that in mind I may have to go back and research the back stories..........

Im 8 1/2 years down the line from leaving, but its only recently that I have been able to 'name' what was done to me. School run now, but back later xx

We have now?

That is not what I was expecting the latest MN emoticon to be. Too sweet and fluffy for the likes of us!

LittleHouse-I am speaking of an ex,but he still causes me grief.Hope in the near future he will stop trying to win points against me/still have to be exposed to crap(from a distance), but such is the nature of someone like that,and difficult when you have dc.

Shiny new thread - excellent!

Hello, still lurking but have been a bit of a miserable shit the last few days, bit listless sort of nothing valid to say kind of feeling.

Sure it's the weather, bit oppressive here atm.

Onwards and upwards :)

Hello, I think I joined somewhere on thread 3, and although I'm getting better, the spirals of anger, grief, disbelief and irrational hope are still there they are not so painful as they once were.
I'm angry at his utter stupidity in thinking that control was the way to have a relationship, grieve the idea of the family that I'd hope would grow and endure through hard work and love, hope somehow that one day he will at least take some responsibility for his actions and the damage it has caused.
I think we should all give ourselves a every now and again. To be told and shown that you should be grateful for some crumbs of love, kindness and not ask for more is hell. In my case in the end he ground me down so much that I was prepared to accept his relationship with the OW. I'm glad that I wasn't such a doormat that I could live with it.
Brighter days to everyone

bibi you can be a miserable shit here, don't lurk!! I'm still fighting the urge to engage in further email 'discussions'. I'm a bit bored of it now though.

Also can I ask if anyone has advice/ ways of dealing with feelings of repulsion and hatred towards the twats? How do you stop it wasting your energy?
I mean nothing he says wounds me any more. I indulge in the email arguments because I enjoy it BUT I hate him.

notsorted-he ground me down so much, I didn't get out of it.He did.How low self-esteem is that.Some of us don't know when to give up,and are so caught up in the 'got to make this work/it's really important/I still 'love' him/it must be me like he says/I've put in so much effort-surely there must be something back good in return/I don't like giving up/being defeated/he'll come round and stop the coldwar/if he'd just speak to me/give me a fraction of affection etc etc etc....Harsh reality was-he didn't give a toss, so he wasn't going to anything.

bigbuttons-I've found best not to be drawn into/goaded into email arguments.They signify to me I am still wasting time on him/energy on him, and knowing how different personalities we are,he always had the ability to be more poisonous/calculating/manipulative/hurtful than I could ever be.He is so much better at being nasty than me.I am outmatched totally.I used to try to match him in the end when we were together, but he was so much better; it just came naturally to him.

As it was with all communication with my ex,as soon as he'd hooked me in,he'd cut off from me again when I'd provided him with whatever information he wanted.This was the only way he communicated with me when we were together.He wasn't interested in what I had to say;there was no discussion;he would initiate contact,then walk off/end the communication instantaneously/refuse to speak. Good times eh?

Nettletea welcome, didnt we see you on the last thread? I noticed because I was going to ask you if you actually drank nettle tea!
buttons please beware the whole "enjoying" slagging him off. It's still engagement and kind of keeps you hooked. I got involved in stuff like that, and it always left me ultimately feeling a bit empty and depressed. Also am still feeling the impulse to text him, although it is easily resisted as I don't want him back. So I'm sitting working through the feelings instead. By all means slag him off on here tho!
Bibi I know what you mean about not wanting to be miserable, I often stay away at times like that, but lately I've been trying to post as I figure it might help to normalise the broad range of emotions and feelings that recovery involves. We are all at different stages of a very similar journey so let's all feel free to pitch in and vent when we need to. X

buttons re the unwanted feelings, I try to acknowledge them (making them concrete and tangible) then I visualise sort of pulling them out of me and squishing them into a ball, like a piece of paper, and throwing them away.

bigbuttons - think of him as a poisonous little toad.