Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

juggling, fairly emotionally abusive at times?

not good.

A good dad doesn't do that, you are right. Stay on, there are a few here that are still with their partners.

This is a thread called Support for those IN emotionally abusive relationships.

If you are struggling with his moods etc, we can help, we can remind you that this is not on, and re-set your compass from time to time.

As you know, we don't bite, so if you want to sound anything out, go right ahead. It's how I got started posting on this subject and it's been immensely helpful to me, and I hope others.

Meant to say too juggling that all of us will find our ways to cope, many of us will have medicated with something or other to cope. You are not alone.

IIRC, Mouse has joined the brave babes bus, I know I abused dope, and I know others that used sleeping tablets, when we remove the thorn in our sides, it gets easier to retake control of our lives.

Thing is I only really got on the bus because it looked such good company. And I'm not good at following rules and expectations !

I forget most of the stuff he's said but here's how bad it can be -

When we had some CC debt ( which yes, was in my name, but only as I'd borrowed money over time for fairly essential family expenses, and we don't often talk about finances so he didn't know the situation until it came up for some reason ) Anyway he got very angry in car on way to dropping me and DD off at station for weekend away, and in front of DD suggested that I could make up or pay back the money by going out to work as a prostitute

Just one of the worst examples of the madness I get when he loses the plot.
He often gets angry and also very stressy

Hi juggling I've come over here from the bravebabes thread . I don't normally post on here, so don't quite know how best to respond and can only offer some of my own history. I've always been a bit of a drinker - that was my drug of choice, so I can't blame my EA relationship for that, but there was some link (as you'll see).

My xh was charming, hard-working and responsible. Before we were married our relationship felt quite equal, we both owned our own flats, we both worked (although he was older, more qualified, more senior and better paid than I was) and we each had our independence. Once married, things changed and he, and I, behaved like a stereotypical couple from the 1950's. He saw himself as the 'head of the house'. I accepted that and took a much diminished role in decision making. Over the years I became more and more dependent on him, and less able and confident to make decisions for myself. My friends hated to see how he spoke to me, but I denied that anything was wrong.

I was working part-time in a job that I was good at. As that developed I regained some confidence and started to reassert my self again. And that was where things started to go wrong. The more I tried to regain myself, the more control he exerted. Despite us both earning, and despite having savings in the bank, I was not allowed to spend any money. Events that were important to me were cancelled because he always had a business crisis that took priority. I had no choice about having sex. Internally I was desperately unhappy, but to the outside we looked like the perfect family living the 'have-it-all' life. Despite being so unhappy, I couldn't even contemplate leaving. I couldn't imagine splitting up the family, disappointing my parents, or coping on my own with working and children.

During that time alcohol became both my rebellion and my oblivion. I would drink when xh was away on business - and it felt like an act of rebellion, something that he couldn't control. I also used alcohol to block things out during sex (which he knew about, so getting me drunk was the usual prelude to sex).

I tried to sort things out with him, but nothing changed. Eventually, there was a set of small but important straws that broke the camels back. I found the energy to leave. I couldn't believe how liberated I felt. One of my friends said that instantly I became the person I'd been before. It was only with that perspective that I could see how diminished I'd become.

Juggling I'm not encouraging you to leave your dh, only you know the truth of your relationship, but if you're using any substance to self-medicate because of your unhappiness, then please give it all some thought. It has taken me many years to get on top of my alcohol issues (that's another story), but you do deserve to be in a relationship that is genuinely supporting you and making all of you happy.

"During that time alcohol became both my rebellion and my oblivion"

Hi VandM and welcome. I think the crossover between the bus passengers can only be helpful, as long as we don't crash into Bibi's Twat Bus along the way!

I look back at the awful two years before I left and remember drinking heavily and deliberately for just those reasons. Rebellion and Oblivion. I am not alcohol dependent and can easily go a week without a drink but at that time I was probably drinking at least twice as much as I should have. I put on weight, my skin was bad and I slept badly.

Once I was out I drank less, and now hardly ever have more than a glass of wine or a pint unless it is a special night out. I guess it is another way of coping with the situation along with denial, emotional numbness and behaving abusively as well.

Interesting train of thought that, thankyou for bringing it up. It all helps!

"I had no choice about having sex" [shocked] for you

waves at jugglingwith3 room for all....I don't know what I'm doing!!!!!!

Brave ladies...thanks for the honesty

ah...cross over threads also waves at venusandmars

I can identify with the 'drug to block it out' route, although canabis was my preferred 'tipple'. I think I said on another thread that my heavy canabis use was practically condoned by my GP and midwife, as they could see what I was living through and felt that pregancy wasnt the time to be dealing with it and getting very stressed indeed. I thought it was incredible how quickly I got to see a councillor when I finally asked, but now I suspect I had been on a fast track reserve list for quite some time!
Strangely, when ex left, I was able to give up the cannabis within 2 weeks. I had been trying to for years, but ex always brought it into the house, and I found it too hard to resist. It was a shame as it had been something I had enjoyed as a social thing in my past, before him, but due to the repercussions of such heavy use throughout my time with him its got too many bad associations and paranoia. Not fun at all.

Hissy Im mortified to say I am the other ride shudders some more
of course when he sees the look on my face, you've guessed it............hes only joking.
But WHY am I smiling with an image in my head of a woman in a 4x4 driving backwards and forwards over him, now Im laughing as I type!
Thankyou!!

MO I like the sound of the trail! I have already spoken to WA about things and have told anybody who will listen about him now. This was my problem before I never told anyone about anything - I just played things down to myself and convinced myself this is how couples are. We have a counselling service at work so Im going to make an appointment with them too to get everything off my chest. After that I will speak to my GP, thanks for the tips.

Welcome V and M, I'm new here too but everyones great, and a laugh or two along the way when you're ready!

Hope everyones having a good day xx

Thanks for coming over from bravebabes for me venus I really appreciate that and everything you've shared here. Sorry to hear how bad it got for you - but so glad to hear you've been able to move on from there.
I don't have that big an issue with drinking (honestly !) - I just got on the bravebabes bus because it looked like good company - but OK I do drink a bit before I'm in the mood for sex - but then is that so unusual ?
But yes, I'm not completely OK with that situation. I could definitely relate to some of your stuff venus but I think you had it all much worse than I do now. But that doesn't mean that my DH doesn't over-step the boundary quite regularly.
What to do about it though ?
Anyone stayed and things have got better ?

< eternal optermist (and slightly dyslexic ?) >

Hello. I wonder if it's ok if I join? I received amazing support here more than 2 years ago, when I was in the process of, first, working out that there was something very wrong going on in my marriage and, secondly, leaving that marriage. My posts were these ones:

Hitting and nose job

Husband wants custody of DD

I look back on them and I'm deeply shocked at how totally lost I was. I was completely under his control. And, classically, thought it was all my fault.

I am so thankful that I left that marriage. My quality of life is about a million times better than it ever was, despite the strains of being a single FT WOHM. But 2 years on, life is still not easy. H refuses to get divorced (and to settle our finances). He also applied for custody of DD about 9 months ago. His application was dismissed but I am now trapped in a terrible web of farcical mediations and almost daily contact with him over arrangements for DD.

He makes every little arrangement as difficult as possible and uses it as a way to continue to try and bully and control me. While the wool fell from my eyes a long time ago, it still stresses me out hugely because I worry about the effect it will have on DD. I'm also pretty sure that H is gearing up for another application.

As a result of all this, I am still on ADs (2 years now) and (TB completely H) drink far too much- it is that oblivion thing. My daily guilty pleasure is sinking into a bottle of white wine and letting it all drift away from me.

Anyway, I'd really like to join as it would be nice to have some company and a few laughs along the way.

IWBF, Wonder if you ought to start referring to your lady bits as the other c*nt... can't wait till he asks who the main one is.....

Right!

Moll, we are going to have to get you in full fighting form then aren't we?

you don't have to do, go, speak to or about anything you don't want to. this guy is still abusing you, from afar.

Just stop. Stop the mediation, stop the constant contact for access, give him set days a week for access and if he can't make them, then fine. see you on the next week. Your life and DDs life need stability and reliable organisation. His fannying about is destructive and needless. It's also being done on purpose.

Tell him that all contact will be via email WRT contact, and no verbal. if he rings, don't answer or even acknowledge, let him think that number no longer works. Refuse to engage with him in any other way than written email on the subject of DD.

If he's unhappy with this arrangement then tell him he has to agree and go through the divorce process and then the contact/finances and everything else will be finalised.

He's still holding you hostage. No wonder you are drinking and on ADs, you are still being terrorised.

HerHissyness - Thanks for your earlier response to my initial, tentative post.
And great to see you rolling up your sleeves to tackle what Moll is now dealing with. Welcome Moll, good to hear your experience. Interesting that several posters are saying they didn't see how bad things had got until they had the perspective of some distance from the relationship. That's the advice I was giving to woman who started thread the other day who was only allowed out to walk the dog, and had no telephone access etc.
Still, I'm hoping there's something that could be done with my DH and our relationship. I guess lots of people say that though

Have we all seen this thread? Very interesting indeed and a good breadth of experiences and viewpoints.

waves at moll...
you got out, Hissy is right, don't let him do this from outside, you're not getting the benefit of being free.

hear hear HH.
Ex messed me around for 4 years with DD, then she witnessed DV at his place (resulting in her and ex's then partner, now mother of his kid, but luckily escaped) hiding in the bathroom while he tried to open the door with a knife. DD was scared and didnt want to see him. Waited A MONTH before he bothered to ask to see her again, I began to explain the situation, he got highly abusive on the phone, called me an unfit mother and threatened to see a solicitor, so I took him at his word (despite knowing it was bluff) and saw one myself who suggested no contact until it was sorted.
Things got nasty, he refused to play ball as it would mean having to admit he wasnt the perfect dad he liked to portray - FFS he had a bloody shrine to the child in his restaurant, but couldnt be fucked to get her a birthday present, turn up when he should, dropped her if he wanted a lie in, and in the end refused to see her at all 'if I CANT JUST COME AND JUST TAKE HER WHEN i WANT TO'. So then he moved abroad for 18 months, then turned up at school as if nothing had happened and thought I would have forgotten everything.
In the end we forced his hand into going to court by taking out a prohibative steps order, and he asked for contact - he hadnt seen her for 3 years by that point
they will mess you through the kids if they cant mess you directly.

Hello everyone! I knew he would use DD - before I left him he threatened me with fighting for her custody, in an attempt to force me to stay. He pretends to be a dedicated father (in mediation, at the start, his opening gambit was: "For dad's like me, the law is my only friend". Would have been ROFL had I not been so stressed out). But his behaviour never matches the words.

I've got a really good legal team on board and I've got a 25 page typed up contact diary which I have kept religiously ever since I left. It makes great reading. Things like "on X date, H served a residence application. The following week I discovered he was going on holidays for 3 weeks. He refused to tell me where I was or how he could be contacted in case of an emergency." I've also consistently refused to deal with him in any way other than by email- and I've kept every last one of them.

I'm going to see a specialist barrister tomorrow (he helped on the residence application and is very, very good). Having played along nicely (and stressed myself out massively in the process) I do now want to get on the front foot and do all the things HH suggests. He's a tosser and I WILL win this, whatever it takes.

NettleTea - I'm so sorry to hear of your experience. And your poor DD. I hope you are both well shot of him.

I am relieved that I dont have anything to do with him. My mum supervises visits every 2 weeks for a couple of hours (often less) and she doesnt take any of his nonsense - either calls him on it at the time or ignores and laughs to herself. DD is pleased to see him, but recently says she always wants to see him with granny, and doesnt want him invited to things, as he always trys to make them all about him, and she finds that embarrasing. Luckily the court order which specifies contact leaves it as open ended supervised, no discussion of it changing in the future. He would have to go back to court to get more, and by then DD will be old enough to state what she wants. He manages to behave himself for that short time, but DD has already realised that he promises alot but generally fails to deliver. She is still afraid to disagree with him.

Hi, feel I need to catch up with all that's happening here. I don't know re the drink/dope and what is ok but tend to think of John Lennon 'whatever gets you through the night ...' None of us need to beat ourselves up any more (we are naturally good at this so need to rein back). Looking at other threads about when things get easier post breakup etc someone suggested a star chart for themselves.
Remember whether in or out of the relationship it is a case of feeling we don't trust our judgement, vast upheaval happening or on the horizon, dealing with the DCs, contemplating life on our own ie all the normal traumatic stuff of divorce/separation and the abuse on top. So let's give ourselves a break and allow time to be good to ourselves [bre]

Hi notsorted
I like that line from John Lennon too, or a slightly different version I've heard,
"whatever gets you through the cosmic void"
But then again because I've been hitching a ride with the brave babes battle bus these last few days I've made a bit of a commitment to doing this week while DH is away without the wine for a change. Hoping to reduce drinking in the week in general as think I may feel better for it.

Hello Iwantwine, Moll and Juggling (Gosh Moll I remember the nose job thread . Good luck with the legal process)

Ditto on the driving thing. Criticising a basic skill, in daily use, like driving or cooking, gives these pathetic abusers plenty of scope for put-downs without having to think too hard. H thinks that even drunk, he's a better driver than me sober. I remember sitting in A&E thinking I was miscarrying (thankfully I didn't) with H ignoring me, after having ranted at me the whole journey, because I'd refused to let him drive as he'd been drunk. Why I didn't up and leave then I do not know.

On a completely different note, someone here ( thisis ?) recommended the Patricia Evans Controlling People book. I got it and I'm half-way through it. It makes a lot of sense, so thank you :)

My problem right now is H threatening (unpleasant and costly) court action to get unsupervised contact. When you've wiped down the 4X4, can you bring it over here, hissy

I lost my epic post.
But the jist was, i met a guy tonight that I've been close with last year but nothing happened) at the fundraising meeting I was at (was coincidence he was there) and due to stbx (i wish) being such a wanker I'm seriously thinking of having an affair.
I also spoke to my best friend tonight and she said she would hand hold me to go to WA.
I came home tonight under orders to bring him home wine and cigs. I came in handed him what he ordered. He asked was I up for it. Knowing that I'm in pain . I am seeing a gyno soon for inner problems I suffer badly with pain inside most the month especually during s** . All he cares about is getting his ride. I was absolutely crippled over my TOTM recently, I couldnt even move.literally. Do you think he cared? No.
I feel like a mad thing.

BF, that is awful.

Oh, sneaky idea.... when you have seen the gyno.... go back home and say, with a very serious face that the Gyno said that on no circumstances are you to have sex at the moment.

That you need to rest and not undertake too much certain physical exertion for a while, but when you are better, it may be that sex may resume again without risk.

Soooo..... If he wants that to happen faster, then he has to do everything he can to help you. Around the house, with the DC, equal number of lie-ins, at least an hour of rest per day....so you can tell him that you only had 45m today so need another sit down, so if HE could just put those plates away when he's finished washing them....

Of course he can refuse to help, but that will mean that your return to sexual activity will be somewhat delayed...

I did read somewhere that abused women DO have more illnesses, and that these illnesses are the body's way of expressing sadness. Gyno stuff particularly.