Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

breaklegs sweetie he's a tosspot of the highest order, he really is. I DO recognise so much of what you've written and I really really feel for you. I wish you were here now and I could give you a hug.
Please don't hate yourself, hate your life, hate him, but you have done nothing wrong xxx.

I am feeling really really angry. I don't know why

FOTH, Bej, Nettle Thanks for the insights and experiences.

Scream thinking about you, relate to you about not knowing who you are or how to make a decision.

I've been waking up early trying to think of different ways out. Latest crazy idea is to think of a strategy to make OH go off me so much he has an affair. Its as if I just can't cope with me initiating a split and yet another thing being "my fault". Just want him to focus his shit on anything/anyone but me.

I'm so happy when its just me and the DCs.

All my family hate him - I love them so much and really trust their opinion, they hate him (anddont speak to him) because he's horrible and because of what hes done to me - WTF is wrong with me why cant I see it as clearly as they do?

Take care all xxxx

iwillbefree You are like me - very resourceful and persistant.

And, like me, misguided.

On the other hand, thinking things through in depth, like planning your crazy strategy, can be useful. Have you followed your fantasy through till well after the split? Regardless of how it happens, what will happen afterwards?

IWBF you do see it as clearly as they do...you just have emotions tangled in with it all. Makes for mind-spaghetti...very difficult to act decisively especially as we are all so conditioned to taking the blame and trying to fix things FOR THEM.

My favourite day dream is still the one where he inexplicably disappears ...forever...........numerous ways of doing this my favourite being alien abduction, whisked away by beautiful and dangerous other woman, elevated to a higher plane of existence...........

You know that happy feeling...when he is away...that's where the strength comes from...hold on to that....

Minor update, and thoughts about not having the last word. I am about to divorce OH, we are still living in the same house.

Since I cancelled the DD for his NI, after giving him a day's notice, some official looking letters have arrived for him. Tonight I asked him for a cigarette (I'm on roll-ups), I said he could say no and he did. Then he said 'and you can't even afford £6 a month?' I said it's not a question of affording it, I don't want to pay half. Then he said it wasn't that, it was that I had cancelled his DD.

If he didn't want to lay himself open to that, he should pay it from his own account. And it's not as if I haven't been on the case all this year - asking for pension forecasts that weren't forthcoming, and producing accounts earlier this year and saying I wasn't happy with the arrangement.

But I didn't actually say any of the above. I didn't say anything. And afterwards I thought it through clearly and the above paragraph is the result.

He used to complain that I always wanted the last word. Now I don't.

nose no I havn't thought that far ahead, thinking of ways to get rid of him seems to occupy my mind 99% of the time. I am going to try to imagine our future without him, how I would feel, what the atmosphere in the house would be like, the kids playing without being moaned at, no constant critism...........sounds good.

FOTH alien abduction....made me smile lol. Mind spaghetti - such a good description, exactly what my head feels like!

Just been reading a few other threads. One thing stood out another lady has experienced similar. If I'm in bed reading, my H reading, puts his book down, turns immediately to me (still reading) and pulls my nightie down without saying anything and starts doing things - I tell him I reading and to leave me alone - he just keeps on till I give in. If I push him away from my breasts, he will just move and push his hands between my legs and start there. Typing this it sounds awful - but this is NORMAL for me, but it isnt is it?

xxxx

I imagine that scenario all the time....he dosen't live here any more. I imagine how I would feel, infinately better than I do now.

God I need to grow a pair... get some strength. stop wallowing

Hi to all the newbies and FOTH is right, great analogy of the Mind Spaghetti! Other people can see them for what they are as they don't have the emotions involved :) you get through it by reminding yourself what it's going to be like when they/you have gone, the no walking on eggshells, being able to take the DC's out to the park and leaving the housework until you get back :o it's about taking one day at a time, talking on here whenever you want for advice, a rant or just a chat, someone will be here x

me too scream

My DH does that IWBF, its crap isnt it...its normal for me too..It is awful!!

So why do we give in?? Im scared and he really sulks...Ivejust got to keep the

peace....how sad.

oooooh pixie leaving the housework till I get back - HEAVEN! This is one of H biggies - why havn't you done this, picked that up, washed this cleaned that, saying I'm a lazy bitch without saying it IYKWIM!

xx

just posted this and the police just scared me half to death! just knocked on to check I was ok as I hadn't been in when they had tried to contact me before. Neighbour's have lights on and nose out again, feel I should do a nude dance in the window, just so their curtain twitching isn't completely wasted! :o

so sorry scream its awful isnt it.....sulks here too and called miserable etc.

xx

scream that's how you'll feel, now what will you be doing? [hsmile]

oh yes I know what you mean Iwbf, only mine stopped sugarcoating and went straight for the jugular, an hour after not managing to wash the pots yet as been dealing with SN's dd/stopping ds from climbing the next mountain like obstruction/and cleaning up the 18th spillage made by said DC's, being called a fat lazy b!tch and a bad mother would have been what I call a good day In Previous Pixieland! :( I'm only a few weeks out of it, it's hard but I know it's going to be worth it x

sorry x-posting again, scream what do you like doing that you don't get to do much of now? Imagine yourself doing those things, and hold onto it. I relate to you two about keeping the peace, mine used to wake me up at 3am and I'd go along with it to keep the peace, ie not have him sulking for the next x amount of days. He had record sulking times, Can you imagine having an 8wk old baby & ringing your bil up in tears as your 'd'h hasn't spoken to you in 2wks and you was at your wits end? that was me :( x

iwillbefree - what would your H do if you said to him, assertively, NO, STOP, NO.

I'm still not sure about what are the acceptable boundaries regarding a man wanting sex. Many of the posters on this thread have the same experience in common - a man pushing to get sex if he wants, not giving up until he gets his own way, or if he doesn't going into a huge sulk/using it against their partner for days.

I realise it's often about control, but, never understood why a man would want to have sex with someone who

a) does not want it
b) is largely unresponsive/does not get into it during the act/let go/act freely as someone who was turned on, in a nice way, would

I guess this is why it leaves you feeling like you are a PIECE OF EQUIPMENT

Going along with stuff - to keep the peace. That's another common theme.

iwillbefree - constant monitoring/criticising/insulting/giving orders regarding your housekeeping efficiency - this is another area where you are treated like a domestic appliance. (sorry, I don't mean you personally-talking from experience).

Misspixie - yes, I can imagine what you said. I know it well. It really is a killer, the 'no talking' thing; and when you've got your hands full with babies/small dc, you do feel at your wit's end.

Yeah, the monitoring. I had mh issues (or was a lot of it him) and this gave him the excuse to monitor. Always having to justify myself if I'd come to a different conclusion from him.

You're not free to be yourself when you have someone 'on your case' e.g. about housework all the time. Same thing applies to sex.

So you have a partner who is not interested in you being the person you were when you got together with them. They don't care. You end up being just a functional robot providing whatever service. So, when you are around them, your personality changes or is repressed.

not a robot any more...at least not when I can't see him!!!!!!