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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

999 replies

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 26/09/2011 21:50

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 29/09/2011 11:09

I'm sorry that I haven't much advice to give at the moment. Hissy and Mo and others are so string and sensible and give such brilliant advice.

thank you for the thoughts on how to deal with feelings of hatred towards twat. And that I must stop engaging in any email debates, no matter how enticing. I will stop!
On a lighter note it's my birthday today ( old crone emoticon) the children had made me cards. The 13 year old with whom I've had a dodgy time actually made me a tea! My 5 year old dd wrote me a card and on it she put "I love you so much that I will faint because I love you"
I can't ask for anything better than that now can ISmile

foolonthehill · 29/09/2011 11:41

buttonsHappy birthday have some Thanks
bless the children...am fainting myself that your DS thought of tea...you must be doing things so right given the example he has!!!!

Have another Brew

Feeling calmer than usual myself today as have actually slept (for first time in weeks) having sent a difficult letter to someone who has been "helping" us and who i have been harbouring anger and bitterness towards as he(they) are being sooooo even handed Hmm.I actually managed to make sense, not sound angry and yet make my points!!! Amazing, there must be a brain in there somewhere.....

visiting children have trashed the downstairs and i don't even mind.....soSmile today ( helps that twat is working away in London until late tonight)

HerHissyness · 29/09/2011 11:50

BB, you see me as strong, I am mostly bravado for others, but if you see posts about myself... not so much.

oh, you said string, not strong... in which case I am NEITHER Grin

Happy birthday love! Thanks and Wine reward that boy for being so caring of others! and give that lovely little girl a great big hug. so sweet!

notsorted · 29/09/2011 12:00

Thanks to BB hope your day is lovely with DCs
BF Was going to suggest that TOTM problems may be psychosomatic, as Hissy says, a physical way of the things you are going through coming out. Your body is probably saying I need some rest.
I had an enormous bout of flu last year when things were awful and also had various odd aches/pains as well.
Back on the treadmill of grief again. Want to curl up and cry over what I dreamed would be, tears over why it was so impossible. Ho hum, think I will take MO's and others advice re being in the pain and waiting for it to pass. Stupid to feel so s* when the weather is beautiful

bigbuttons · 29/09/2011 12:32

string!! LOL You are all pieces of string oh dear!

No hissy it's not bravado you are a wonderful strong woman

notsorted I think sometimes the only way is to be in the pain. accept it, don't fight it, let it be, but don't wallow in it either. But like being in labour or somethingHmm

foolonthehill · 29/09/2011 13:03

gettingsorted I agree, i think you have to feel the pain, there's so much emotion backed up from these horrible men, and the only alternative is to go back to being a automaton going thru' the motions in life.

Here's to feeling the pain, so we can feel the joy of living too Wine

ps hissy you pull us all out of the mire with your wonderful piece of string...oh, and you are strong too!!

BreakFree · 29/09/2011 13:03

Yeah I would agree with you there. I was always fairly healthy until I had my first DC (traumatic circumstances and idiot stupid immature little pratt for a father) I got ill some months after having DD. Fell out with my parents who didn't want me to try to have him involved in DD life. I moved away on my own. Stopped contact with all my family and lived alone with my DD. I lost weight to the point I look at photos and I think I look anorexic. Discovered when DD was a year or so that she was disabled. Also around that time I was diagnose with chronic pain illness that can't be cured. Its made worse by stress of course and I live in a constant stage of it so it never eases off Hmm Now its this pelvic problem. Angry at the same time I'm running around all week like an insane person trying to meet SpN apts for older DD and also cater for younger DC and keep the house going. I had a huge row with him other day because he just watched , knowing I was in pain as I cleaned upstairs and tidied around. He said "I'm doing the cooking" What does he want a f-ing medal for a few chicken kievs out the oven?

Buttons - Happy Birthday! Your DCS are so sweet. That tugged at my heart strings alright!
Oh also Buttons, I felt like I was in labour at the weekend. Don't wish that on anyone Grin Grin Wine

MadameOvary · 29/09/2011 13:31

Breakfree what a fucking bastard. After that I would be very happy to run him over with Hissy's 4x4 Angry
Can you tell him you've got a yeast infection into the bargain?
Seriously, I hope his cock drops off AngryAngryAngry

MadameOvary · 29/09/2011 13:32

Buttons - Happy Birthday! Grin
Lovely to hear your babies love for you. x

butterflybee · 29/09/2011 14:43

oh Venus I'm so sorry to read about your history, it's increadibly painful to be violated that way by someone who's suppose to LOVE YOU.

I think it was Christiane Northrup who I've read about the psychosomatic symptom stuff. She can be a bit 'woo' but the theory made sense to me. Not to mention, stress does horrible things to the body! My second pregnancy I was sick all the time (respiratory mostly - bronchitis, flu, sinusitis, laryngitis etc) because I was so run down and unsupported / actively damaged by oozypushead.

butterflybee · 29/09/2011 19:50

Ok, currently reading the Assertiveness Workbook (as suggested by my great counsellor) and it's a freakin revelation. Forcing someone to justify their actions or explain themself is aggressive. You have the right to be illogical. (Although others also have the right to be annoyed or not go along with your decision.)

I thought I was assertive, but clearly have a very long way to go.

butterflybee · 29/09/2011 19:53

"people make mistakes, this doesn't give control over their lives to others." even if they do it again and again and again. Doesn't mean you have to stick around either if the mistakes are impacting you.

notsorted · 29/09/2011 20:02

Evening, as we are on books, which Patricia Evans is better for someone post the whole thing. I worry, still, that my behaviour wasn't/isn't fantastic. I'm not going to excuse his though - breaking stuff/verbal abuse/physical stuff but I certainly wasn't a doormat and think I have got into bad habits because of the situation.

thisishowifeel · 29/09/2011 20:23

Happy birthday BIG BUTTONS!!!!!!

Somatic memory. Why we get ill when we don't express our true emotions. Especially anger/rage.

There are some free pages of Adam Jukes' book, "why men batter women", on amazon.

He describes the scenario of a group of French women on a train, and poses the question, are women mute, or are abusive men deaf? He describes...and we will ALL recognise this scenario, the freedom, energy, and enthusiasm, of a group of girls on an adventure together, whether it's a hen night, or as in this instance, a holiday adventure together.

He acknowledged that he didn't understand them because they were speaking French, and he also understood that, even if he did, a presence of a man, any man, would change the language of the women, and dull their joie de vivre.

I have seen this happen SOOOOOOOO many times in my life, in so many different ways...Have you?

I am also reading "the drama of the gifted child" by Alice Miller, which is a take on the inner child stuff. She says, that if we do not mourn the original pain and grief, we will seek it out over and over and over. Like those of us who go from one abuser to the next and can't quite seem to see it.

I have also earned some money and done paperwork, sorted the kids, allowed ds to "experiment" in the kitchen, argued the toss about why he really SHOULD do his washing up after said experiment, took DD to choir, faced the snot bags who refuse to speak, and am still trying to work out what in god's name is wrong with those horrid, horrid women, (woman?) on that other thread.

SHE RA...SHE RA....PRINCESS OF POWER!!!!!

thisishowifeel · 29/09/2011 20:26

Blimey...it IS a mission...innit?

BibiBlocksberg · 29/09/2011 20:31

I'm a bit late arriving but hope you're having a good birthday buttons!!

Was going to put flowers but figured they'll be in use with the bunches upthread so have Wine Wine instead :)

FOTH - you made me smile with your She-Ra cries - you go!!

You can borrow my battlecat to ride on (the one I took off he-twat before he left) Grin

BibiBlocksberg · 29/09/2011 20:32

Vases will be in use FFS not flowers - don't eat and post at the same time would be a thought for me!

HerHissyness · 29/09/2011 20:44

what is the other thread thisis? the MrsR one? Am at a total ffing loss with that. I PMed MrsR.

HerHissyness · 29/09/2011 20:45

He-Twat? Grin PMSL!

I

bigbuttons · 29/09/2011 20:46

Thanks for all the lovely birthday wishes, have had a good day until I had cake at my mum's who was in full self pitying/martyr narc mode. For my birthday she got me a second hand picnic set from an 'antique place' is smells of mouldy damp Hmm WHY? you know the thing that upsets me isn't that it's a second hand picnic set it's that she has always got me so spectacularly wrong, always.
Having quizzed me as to why I was in such a good mood " you're never in a mood mood on your birthday" says twat. He can't resist having a go at me this evening about , in his opinion "wasted trips to the shops".
I told him it was none of his business how I spent my time. I could see that he thought it was his business though, Twat,

BibiBlocksberg · 29/09/2011 20:51

sorry, not FOTH but thisis Blush PUT THE FORK DOWN BIBI AND PAY ATTENTION! There, that told me :)

I actually wanted to be he-man as a child Hissy (didn't like the skimpy costume she-ra had to do battle in)

How I longed for snake mountain and skeletors 'crib' to play with.

Damn you, Santa! :)

BibiBlocksberg · 29/09/2011 20:56

Oh buttons, I confess I did actually let out a laugh at the damp smelling picnic set - I mean, WT actual F?

I'd be thinking up a similar 'prize' now for her christmas present and start practising your hurt face and voice 'WHAT? but I was so sure you'd love it' it's so you mother'

Well done for not engaging with twat on his spoiler mission!

thisishowifeel · 29/09/2011 21:05

Yes Hissy...that's the one. Never seen Garlic treated so badly, just horrid. The "vibe" reminded me of the snotbags in the playground that don't speak. There is something REALLY nasty about it all.

Poor MrsR. :(

thisishowifeel · 29/09/2011 21:07

BIBI...indulge your inner child and get one!!!!!!

thisishowifeel · 29/09/2011 21:10

Narc presents..oh aren't they just the end?!!!!

My dc's haven't had to deal with this too much, just in the 18 month window of weakness, but I was SOOOOO proud of their acting skills at being "grateful" for the utterly weird and inapropriate presents that witch got them the christmas she turned up.

In fact, in explaining it all to ds, he actually said..."oh is that why she gets such crap presents?" Well yes, it is.

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