Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

emotions keep flip flopping all over the place. Every unreasonable, unkind or just plain childish text has me weeping like I'll never stop. Oh why can't he just do the business we have to?
Ok yes I realise he won't but really!!!!

bells Thats the thing I dare'nt say "no stop no" because I dont know/am scared if his reaction. I suppose its to keep the peace....sad I know.

I dont know what normal boundaries/expectations are

fool thinking about you love.

xxx

all our boundaries need resetting I think, lots of different areas for me...mostly around what I am and am not responsible for.....ie I am NOT responsible for his actions/feelings/anger, I AM responsible for my actions and my and the children's safety.....
feels good writing it down
perhaps one day it will sink in?

Today I discovered that when he was round yesterday he hid the tool box in the shed...and took the label off the shed key and put it on the wrong hook. Really annoying!!

No, FOTH - just utterly pathetic! Sort of thing an 8 year old would do!

FOTH did he do that as part of his own self-entitlement or an attempt to get you to think maybe you are a bit nuts? (not saying you are btw!) Example from my twat telling the Police I was 'sick' to coming to see the DC's a few days later, whilst here 'nipping to the loo' hiding half my sewing things cue me none the wiser and genuinely wondering what I'd done with them with a very smug him going 'see told you you were mad!' Said sewing stuff fell out a FREEZER he moved l.night! :o x

the freezer...innovative!

Pixie it is great to realise that these strange that happen are NOT you but him! Keep observing in a detached way because it helps.

I am feeling uplifted because I had noticed an anomaly with the joint account the Ex and I run to pay for our DC at Uni. I asked to talk to Ex about it and he was evasive and missed two planned times. When I pinned him down I found he was shaking and angry while for almost the first time ever (thanks MN!!) I was calm and detached and observing.

SO we discussed the problem. And he was defensive, lied to me, and used ridiculous examples to justify himself over taking our joint money. He earns three times what I do, has huge amounts of disposable income after the shared expenses and I have to pay HIM maintenance as our DC lives with him. But I actually don't care, would rather be poorer but happier and it made me laugh to see him squirming.

The fabulous thing is that I managed to stay uninvolved, didn't get upset and saw him trying to involve me and stood apart. Progress! I used to get so upset I either had to leave or became angry and cried.

Great, littlehouse I can usually do that now, and it's a tremendous feeling, coming away with a clear head! Petition will be arriving any day, hope I can keep it up. We are in the same house but I keep mostly out of the way at the moment.

Well done, Littlehouse. It must be great to feel YOU have moved forward to achieving some control back and empowerment, and you were able to stand back, remain unemotional/detached, not get hooked-in, that you were calm and in control of yourself. I hope it took the wind out of his sails not to be able to push your buttons and get previous reactions from you.

Your post at 23:35 is wonderful, LittleHouse :) Are you feeling a tad less worried about your 'irrational anger' now, by any chance?

I can't reply to the shed key, freezer, etc incidents. I know humour is sanity's salvation - but, really? Such things are the actions of genuine lunatics.

Does anyone know where/why BullyBeefBadgers thread has gone? I am concerned for her, poor thing. I hope she reads the links on this thread.

It's disappeared from Threads I'm On so she must have had it deleted. I honestly do think that was wise. (At least, I hope it was OP's decision!). She sounds like such a great person, doesn't she?

Oh garlicB... you are on the Stately Homes thread aren't you?

seeing as it's about to get full, could you perleeeese request that the Stately is spelt right, cos it does my pedant head in!

Much obliged!

KK :)

We still share a house. Petition sent from court to him will arrive in tomorrow's post. Don't know whether to be in when it comes, or be out and come back to I don't know what. (Sounds like I should be in?) Has not been violent, just verbally nasty, but I don't really know him, do I, even after 40+ years.

Hi everyone.

Not posting much as am so busy and so tired and so confused.

Can anyone tell me how long the horrid adrenaline lasts for...i am permanently nauseous, head achy and shaky...so hard to keep concentrating.....can't eat

Have not let himself back but have had some horrid exchanges, however now he has calmed down a little he's being reasonable...which I find much harder to cope with. And he obviously thinks that he is coming back in the near future...

going to solicitor on Friday

can't sleep, scared more of my weakness than anything.

Why is it so hard....??

On the plus side the DCs are great and doing better at school as well

Stop the exchanges. You need to get the vile man out of your head, you need to allow your body to rest.

Give yourself another few days to a week, and if this still persists, please go and talk to the GP?

If you want to try something herbal in the meantime, I found Bachs Rescue Remedy really helped (and still helps) me.

You need to find your own sanctuary, if he keeps invading it by text, calls etc, you won't be able to recover (he knows this, he's not relinquishing control)

Take the upper hand, take back your life FOTH!

I've got the therapy trial on Thursday.... am struggling this week, over worked and stressed about it, and the agoraphobia is trying to get a foot hold.
It can't cos I have too full a diary, but given a choice, I'd be at home, hiding.

oh and who can start us off for number 6?

was there a document with links on somewhere?
Can't think, have a new cold settling in... need lemsip...

Not sleeping is normal, FOTH. You're still on an adrenalin high. I didn't sleep for several days after leaving ex; it was horrible. I feel for you.

During my sleepless post-split days, my GP helped tremendously -- with sleeping pills ,but also with a sympathetic listening ear, and good sound advice on caring for myself (= eat healthy meals, take moments to enjoy art or nature, and take moments to relax, meditate, or turn to your faith if you have any).

What also really really helped was listening to a relaxation CD to help me drift off at night - basically a soothing voice guiding me to relax every body part, from the toes upward, and mentally letting them go. I never got past the knees before being sound asleep! I used this CD.

It's hard because, well, it's hard. This is a big step, and a big change. It takes time to adjust.

I'm happy to start thread 6. hang on a tic

whinge mode/ I know my situation is nowhere near as bad as most people's but would appreciate a kind word/end whinge

sorry