Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

my first thread was posted under 'amImakingitup'? Probably the very username should have got me pointed to here. (And I looked it up the other day and most people were totally supportive, particularly Annie - funny how my memory had changed that into dismissiveness?! I wonder if I just wasn't ready to face it).

Did I say that H actually asked me if this whole thing was PMT? 'Don't you remember you used to get it really badly?' Er, no, I just was upset a lot of the time because of you and when you told me it wasn't you it must be me a million times I eventually caved in and believed you, or at least pretended to. Even though the timing was never right

Philippe Petit walked on a highwire between the Twin Towers and he was alright, too. Doesn't mean it's a good idea.

Philippe Petit walked on a highwire between the Twin Towers and he was alright, too. Doesn't mean it's a good idea.

stores this for next time (because there will be a next time unfortunately)

lol Thankyou!

BreakFree? where were you last week? Did you happen to see the post I made about losing it and calling WA.

the fucker left in March. WTF do I have to bitch about? he's gone, so I'm not entitled to call WA anymore, am I?

WRONG!

It was good to talk to someone who listened. who understood, who cared.

Call them.

Iwillbefree: read that fucker the riot act. tell him in a cold, quite and low voice that the next time he puts your DC in jeopardy, the first thing you will do is to puncture his fucking tyres, and if you have access to a car, I would suggest you repeatedly drive over his fucking bike, (if you are kind, let him get off it first) THEN you will call the police to report HIS neglect.

You will report it, even if they don't charge him, but at least it will be logged and WHEN you file for an occupation order, and a non-mol, it'll actually STICK and he will be banished forever more from your lives.

Then refuse to discuss anything further with him. dismiss him, literally. Nothing you have to say is of any interest to me, someone who abandons my children when they have been placed in their care is immediately SACKED.

it just fucks me off so much, that argument! like people who go 'oh, we didn't have carseats in our day, and you're all fine'. Well, yes, because we were not the kids who died in car accidents which wouldn't have been fatal with a carseat?

On another note, I'm so impressed with all of you who are sworn off men. I can't believe I've achieved this level of self-/situation-awareness and I'm still obsessively mooning over yet another stupid narcissistic artist. I think it's a kind of sexual reawakening, the idea that sex could (and should) be a fun and amazing thing and not a weapon or a power game or a tool or an opportunity to put someone down. And will, hopefully, if I can start fancying kind people who are capable of empathy .

hear hear, Hissy.

Cold, hard, loathing. Contempt, disgust and impenetrable disappointment.

These are absolutely unassailable. he can't overcome these.

Ah now you see I was wondering about discussing 'MEN'.

The Freedom programme talk all about the Dominator, the one we know and loathe.

Then they talk about the Friend.

Sad to say I have no fucking idea what or who they are talking about. They may as well be talking about a Martian! I also somehow resent them pushing this Friend onto us. Like, WTF do I want one of those for? Is it an offence to be without a male? Am I in the wrong being on my own? I'm happy enough, leave me be! Why fuck it up?

Background: Only really this year, kind of, am I able to meet a male gaze. I did it today. It was very scary. NettleTea will back me up, this is haram in Egypt. If a woman looks at a man, it's deemed as a come on. men in egypt will leer at you, they follow, photograph and cat call you, they will try and get your number and call you. Had to change my mobile number twice.

Before this, in the UK, any male presence in my life was likely to cause extreme trouble. I got a christmas card from a friend once. OK so the twat DID make a crappy pass at me, but I dealt with it. he then sent a card to the house. It got steamed open, read, resealed. I opened it, and binned it. I still got into horrific trouble for it.

I guess that kind of compounds the issues I'm having with the whole Friend thing isn't it? One, that they were off limits, Two, they were disgusting leering pervs, Three that they were abusive. Why on EARTH would I want one in my life.

I know, I know I have a son. which category does he fall into then?

He doesn't. he is one of the 3 out of 4 men that are good men. He is a good un.

Do I not deserve one of these 3 men?

Ahh, there is the question.... THAT is my challenge... That I deserve the chance of being treated properly.

No ffing wonder battered women always go from one DV relationship to another as the old saying goes.... the biggest hurdle we have to overcome is OURSELF tbh!

Because We Are Worth It...

How fucked up is all of that? How fucked up am I? jesus christ...

It's actually a pretty incredible level of insight and self-awareness. You should be proud of yourself! I keep thinking about how many women have been trapped in AWFUL relationships over the centuries and literally had no option but to suck it up. You are free, Hissy. And anyway, who does need a man? I don't need one at all. I just want one, or I think I do. I think I just need to be loved and I pour that need into all the stereotypes I've been brainwashed with over the years. Am pretty bemused by the intense sexuality of my current crush, though. One for the therapist. Only her room smells of cat piss so it's a bit hard to channel passionate sexual longing in there.

ps just nearly had a heart attack thinking MN had died and wondering how I would ever find any of you again?

and by free, I mean liberated by your own bravery and insight. That's pretty cool.

Just lost my post when site went down aaahhh, it was long aswell, hey ho, try again.

Hissy, sound advice as always. If its in the news a woman has been charged with murdering her OH by running him over whilst still attached to his "other ride" (what he calls it shudder) Please come to the courtroom and vouch for me.

You/your post are not fucked up, I've read it twice and understand it perfectly well, I like you are scared of falling for another shit so staying in self preservation mode. I havent escaped yet but still worry about that.

Had a bit of a moment last week that made me realise life is too short. Was passing a road accident, got out to see if I could help (know basic first aid). 3 young lads on the phone to 999, I went over to the man to take his pulse. It was quickly obvious this man was seriously hurt, he had been run over by the bus that had stopped 20 yeards away. I sat next to him trying to find a pulse until the fire brigade arrived I couldn't :(. He was pronounced dead at the scene, wiped out just like that. If I dropped dead tomorrow I would regret not giving myself a chance of being happy. I need some balls.

MN the car seat thing - I get the rolling eyes and mutters of "shes over protective" whats wrong with people!

IWBF xx

more writing for my mirror, right under detach detach detach

i deserve a good 'un

I think you're very brave HerHissyness.

Special occasion cooking was my bug bear! I did all the kids meals, the seven day a week three meals a day bangers and mash spag bol or sunday roast, but at the first whiff of guests H would start planning OTT recipes and ingredients. For our DDs christening he poached a whole salmon and stuck cucumber slices on as scales... and loved having a fuss made of him. I think he thought everyday meals were for mundanes and there was no skill involved.

Now he is having a lovely time cooking dinner parties and getting my DDs to cook with him. I am portrayed as a ready meal eater with no confidence.

But hey - my new friends and the Very Nice Man I have met seem to think I am a great cook. Funny that...

Actually I am so CROSS that I have been treated like this! It sucks

ha ha, when MN does down, if you listen very, very carefully, you can hear thousands of women SHRIEK, all over the WORLD!

to all of you. I'm not brave at all. No more than anyone of us here. I only told him it was over when he was 2,000 miles away...

iwillbefree: you deserve a post all by yourself....

his other ride?????

please don't tell me that YOU are the other other.....

Tell that fucker that he may as well start humping the bike for all the action he's going to get.

No, better yet... if he EVER refers to it as the Other Ride, correct him and say, No dear, you mean the ONLY ride... [passive agressive]

oh and sod the being a witness in court.... I have a 4x4.... i'll get REALLY good traction on him! again and again and again! [joke]

IWBF that is appalling... but at least it leaves you with no room for doubt. You deserve better and he has earned his ticket from Bibi to FO to the FSOF

Hissy you are very funny

I'm worried now though. My NM has 18 bicycles... Does that make me the 19th ride? At least he isn't a golfer... and he is VERY nice

heck, I think we're ALL brave on this thread! and
(have to say, I thought the biscuit was a boobie until reading the smiley list just now)

LittleHouse - what on earth does he do with 18 bikes? You can only ride one at a time!

IWBF OMFG
I am speechless with rage reading that.
I want to talk about the Solid Support Trail. This is the means by which you not only start to tell people, but you affirm to yourself that it IS abuse and crucially, create a paper trail which will support your case should Social Services or courts get involved.

1. Call Women's Aid. I know this is difficult for many of you, but it's the first crucial step.
2. Speak to your GP. Take time to describe exactly how the abuse makes you feel, and make sure this is detailed on your notes.
3. don't hesitate to involve the police if you are assaulted, threatened, or if your twat does something illegal, such as leaving children on their own .
4. Ask your GP for counselling with the express goal of clarifying exactly what impact the abuse is having on you and your family, and validating your feelings.
5. if applicable, get your health visitor involved. Mine was brilliant and the gateway to so much support.

I know it isn't easy, but when you're ready, it's invaluable backup evidence.
Need help on how to voice your concerns? Ask on here or PM me.

Hissy re The Friend. I knew he existed because my two oldest friends each married one! But when I ditched the Twat I thought "That's it" I'm going to be alone for ever. I'm very proud that I ended it for myself and not because I'd met someone else, because it was such a progression from the needy, insecure, screwed up mess I had been before.
I can go for days without seeing NM, though we keep in touch via text and phone, and it suits me fine.
You're not ready yet. And thats fine. At least you know that, which is no small achievement.

IWBF life is too short, you are right.

Your experience with the road accident victim must have been distressing for you. But if it gives the courage to say "enough" and take a stand then it has been a help. Don't drift through 28 years like I did.

Bee I am keeping an open mind on Bike Man. He is very sweet and keen but still. 18 bicycles smacks of obsession, neglect of family and selfishness. Time will tell.

MO you are the voice of reason.

Have a good day folks

Just marking a little place now for later - I hopped on the brave babes battle bus yesterday for a short while as it seemed so friendly, but not sure it was really the right bus for me (as drinking not too out of hand really )
But I was honest for the first time about a few things and it felt quite important - some friends in RL know that DH isn't always the easiest person to live with, or reasonable at times, but I thought I might make some progress here if I come back later. Basically I want to acknowledge that he is fairly emotionally abusive at times, but I still choose to stay rather than go because as a family we're better together than apart. He is a good Dad to DC's - but of course would be even better if he always treated me well and with respect. Hope there's room on here for stayers as well as those who know they have to move on from partners. Thanks for being here with info and support. Another truly important MN thread !

OOOH the cooking for guests was the same here!!
BUT saying that he would say he was going to cook, but could never bear to see me sitting down for a minute - I think he expected me to be his sous chef - doing all the menial tasks and all the clearing up afterwards.