Hello all. New thread! Wow. Thanks, Puppy, for setting it up.
Wanted to comment on a couple of things I'd read - the cooking and the driving, for a start - funny how universal those are (the insistence on 'I'm good, you're shit', a message that can be delivered in so many inventive ways: although I'm speaking as someone who managed to drive our car into our parked van this week - skillz - so maybe it's justified in my case!) The other thing, which is REALLY helping at the moment, is the increase in just general USEFULNESS I've felt since finally asserting myself. Things that seemed hard before just seem easy now, like I've stripped away all his obstacles and objections to everything. I've been absorbing all of the hurdles he puts in his own way and it's great for my self-esteem to find things so manageable. (Which is why it was SO weird in counselling when he said to the counsellor that he was worried about my drinking and how poorly I'm coping and how I must be depressed about my Dad??! - she said I must be 'acting out' because I'm just not getting heard.)
That's the up - the down (I do feel pretty bipolar at the mo, poss because drinking too much 
but only on REALLY FUN NIGHTS OUT with half-forgotten friends who seem to enjoy my company - another massive plus!), is feeling just unbelievably uncertain, completely untethered, absolutely upside down and inside out about what is real and what isn't. On good days I value my friends so much, but when I'm feeling down I just think 'who are you anyway? why do you like me? do you understand anything? do you even know me?' and I look at the pain I'm causing H and I feel completely worthless.
Couples and individual counselling are both helping. Individual because I get to talk completely openly and remind myself that this IS the right thing (which tbh my feelings remind me all the time, delight about him being out of the house etc.). Couples because he is starting to listen, with her encouragement, and she tells him that he always starts with what's wrong with me and that he hears what he wants to hear and not what I'm saying - but she doesn't think I'm a saint at all! (will send her to specsavers ;)).
I probably sound really upbeat - I am. I did just burst into tears, though, at an email from a lovely friend who saw H at a wedding on Sat (I didn't go because no childcare but also because of what's happening) and she half-remembered a conversation with him where he'd mentioned both my dad's post-mortem arriving (that's a whole other story, coroner's inquest approaching, am coping with COMPLETE DENIAL) and us splitting up. I don't know which bit of it made me cry but I went instantly from really chirpy (got some work this morning, yippee) to crying. Hey ho. Nobody said it would be easy.
Barbie WELL DONE! Everyone else, big hellos and sorry to hear your pain.
Off to Emma's thread to remind myself why I need to keep my fantasies about married crush firmly in check.
Chins up, everyone. You're all amazing.