to ask dp to leave?

[Foxy800]

Please be gentle with me as I am so fed up right now. Dp has a;ways been a nightmare with money hense why he gives me what he needs to of his wages and with mine I sort out the bills etc.

Anyway today I find out yet again he has been lying to me. For the last two months he has told me he hasnt been paid when he is meant to off but then at the last minute he has. Today I found a bank statement and discovered this wasnt true ( had suspicions already) but I also discovered he owes the bamk well over £200 which we do not have. This is at least the 6th or 7th time this year alone he has lied to me about money.

I just feel I have had enough. All I got was you have been through my stuff and I lied cause I didnt want you having a go at me about it!!! (We already have debts but these are managable as they are budgetted into my outgoings each month.)

I just dont know what to do at the moment, am so angry.

What is he spending his money on? Gambling? Drugs?

YANBU, he sounds like a liability you'd be well rid of.

YANBU

I would do the same.

The fact that he has had a go at you for going through his stuff and then justified his lies by saying he couldn't be honest with you. BS and he knows it.

Its not drugs and I dont think it is gambling, he does smoke but cant see it all going on that.

Trouble is I have dd to think of too, she is 5 and adores her Daddy. But all the while he is lying to me we will never get out of debt.

Thank you so much for the reply.

What is your set up? Kids? Mortgage?

He sounds totally untrustworthy - but, as Bangtastic says, I suspect there is a bigger addiction problem somewhere....

Sorry tulpe, may be me being thick today but what is BS?

YANBU, Sounds like he cant be trusted at all. :(

We have 1 dd, we are in a rented property but apart from I think 2 maybe 3 bills that come out of his account, everything else is taken out of mine so he cant say its cause he needs it for sometihng else.

Im just glad I have the majority of bills come out of mine as we will be in big trouble.

The money is being spent on something though - another woman?

If it's simply the money that is causing the rift (and I sympathise utterly because I've been in this situation) then tighten things up so that he has no access to it. e.g. his pay goes into a joint account for which you hold the cheque book and cards, you allocate him the spends you think he needs& then monitor it online every day to make sure. If the problems go deeper than just money then the relationship hasn't got much of a future.

I couldn't be with a man I couldn't trust. I also could not live with a man who ran up debts we were both liable for and kept me in the dark about it. Those things would be deal breakers for me.

Your dd doesn't have to give up her daddy, if you decide to give up this relationship. He will be her daddy no matter what and if he's any kind of decent human being he will continue to see her and will contribute properly to her upbringing, regardless of whether you are together or not.

While you think, I would suggest completely separate bank accounts and credit cards. Get him to set up a standing order for his share of the bills, so it can be paid to your own account. Remove yourself from any shared accounts where he can run up an overdraft. it's good that you are not married as you won't have liability for debts in his name alone. Personally, if possible I'd get his name taken off joint tenancy if your home is rented, just in case he is getting into trouble with money and it leads to bailiffs visits. These measures will help protect you until you know where the money is going.

To top it all we are menat to be going to his dads this afternoon so dd can see them and her auntie who is down. I am really not in the mood to play happy families and act like there is nothing wrong. Nancy66 dont think it is another woman as he rarely goes out as cant afford it!!But who knows.

Should have been you allocate him the spends you think he needs ... rather than relying on him sharing his wages.

BS = Bullshit

YANBU Your P can still be a father to your DD even if you're not together. Can you really trust a man who lies to you.

Thanks for the advice. Thankfully we have our own accounts in our own names. My wages and tax credits, child benefit go into mine. His wages go into his then he transfers it into mine so thankfully I dont have to worry about the bills once his wages are in mine. If there is any left which is rare I have no problem with him spending it but he is accessing an overdraft he isnt authorised to access.

Thats what I thought BS stood for.

He is currently playing with dd and acting like there is nothing wrong and I am beinging silly.

Foxy800' please think seriously about this situation...I had the same problems with my xH were not only talking about the lack of trust in your DH but also the lack of your future security. When I finally got rid of my XH I found bills hidden in books long afterwards. He was made redundant from his job and £1000s were spent on ??????? but it was'nt his family (us) he never drank, did'nt gamble and we only went out together (rarely) if things are not sorted now they will only esculate .

There is help out there for you. There is a non-profit organisation called Connexions who will help with these sorts of things. We needed their help for a while and they called our utility companies for us, they will call your debtors, they will help you get out of the bind that you are in and help you find ways to figure the situation out. While it would be really really easy to say "see ya" and go your seperate ways, this is not one of those end-of-the-world scenarios where you must absolutely get rid of him, and if you did, you might regret it.

Start by listing the reasons you are grateful for him. Including that your daughter loves him. It would damage her to see you two split up, but this lying has to stop. I don't know what area you live in, but google connexions (spelled with the x) for your area. Seriously, their help was invaluable to us and it sounds like they could help you out too. They are so useful.

And keep your chin up. Positive thinking goes a really long way, take it from me. It took some effort for me to turn my life around from a horribly negative black hole to what it is now, and it is so much nicer to be a "glass half full" kind of person!

You can get through this!

Thank you for the reply. If it was the first time I had discivered him lying about money I think I would be more calm and sayign lets just sit down and talk about it but it has been so many times now it is unreal. I am feeling really stressed at work at the moment, dd's behaviour is being a bit difficult since she went back to school, Im just about to start the second year of an open uni course and just dont feel I can take anymore to be honest.

Thank you. Will look up connexions but as I say the general bills and debts are not the problem as they are paid every month, it is him spending money he doesnt have in his account that is and to be honest I dont think the lying will ever stop as it has been going on on and off for years. As soon as I think it has stopped it reappears again.

When you say he is accessing an overdraft he isn't authorised to access, do you mean that he is accessing your overdraft (maybe online)? If this overdraft is in your name, then you must get your name taken off it asap. If the debt is solely in his name, then don't bail him out if he runs out of money before his next pay day. If he can rely on you to cover the shrtfall, then he has no incentive to change.

This does not sound like an equal adult relationship

Does he not understand the family outgoings ... why does he have to depend on you to allocate his spending money and to pay all of his bills

The thing is I dont even think it is the debt that is making me so upset and cross although not at all happy about it, it is the 2 months of supposedly not being paid, then the money appearing at the last minute. Its like he is prepared to risk the bills etc not being paid, and that not only affects me but also his dd.

By unauthorised overdraft I mean he is spending money from his account that is not there.

It was his decision as well as mine that I would pay the bills so he would give me the money for them. I dont allocate spending money, just ask him for what I need although to be honest there is very very little left afterwards. I rarely get any either thoguh when the bills are paid etc.

I think that allocating him money solves the short term problem of him getting into debt, but doesn't fix why he is doing it and doesn't make him any more trustworthy. In fact, it might not even prevent further debt because people who are very determined to access money will secretly apply for loans and credit cards.

all you can really do is protect yourself and dd from the consequences of it, which you can only do by separating yourself completely from him financially and getting to the bottom of where this money is going and why. If he won't be honest and keeps lying, then I don't see how you can fix it.