to ask dp to leave?

[Foxy800]

Please be gentle with me as I am so fed up right now. Dp has a;ways been a nightmare with money hense why he gives me what he needs to of his wages and with mine I sort out the bills etc.

Anyway today I find out yet again he has been lying to me. For the last two months he has told me he hasnt been paid when he is meant to off but then at the last minute he has. Today I found a bank statement and discovered this wasnt true ( had suspicions already) but I also discovered he owes the bamk well over £200 which we do not have. This is at least the 6th or 7th time this year alone he has lied to me about money.

I just feel I have had enough. All I got was you have been through my stuff and I lied cause I didnt want you having a go at me about it!!! (We already have debts but these are managable as they are budgetted into my outgoings each month.)

I just dont know what to do at the moment, am so angry.

Sounds like a sensible approach. It is one of those things where only time will tell really. If nothing else though, your dd will see mummy and daddy getting along and not arguing, so that is a big positive.

I can't see it being a problem with housing benefit people. You are entitled to have whoever you want visit your home and he has a right to see his child. It will be nicer for her to be in her own environment, especially at the start of things.

I think perhaps, the debt situation is only becoming real for him now that his life is actually changing because of it. Having to move out and having to pay it all back is bound to make him feel miserable, even though it's the right thing to do.
It's hard to feel enthusiastic about anything when you have all that debt hanging over you.

I really hope it all works out for you

Thank you, have to say am feeling a lot more positive today now he has said he still wants to give our relationship ago but starting again as if were right from the start, although this isnt exactly the case because of dd but I think you know what I mean.

Really hope we can move forward on this.Again thank you.

Just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone for your support. It has been invaluable to talk to people I dont know, have found it so hard talking to people I do know, and to be honest not many of them I can talk to.

So again a massive thank you.

Glad you've come up with a plan of action. Really hope things work out :)

Thank you.

If you work over 30 hours you get a premium on your tax credits and it's worth a lot.

I only work 27 hours a week as doing an open university course too. Didnt know that though so thank you fabbychic.

Foxy, I don't have any advice but just wanted to say you sound very sensible and strong. You have made so much progress with this problem in such a short time. You will be fine in the end whatever happens. Good luck.

Thank you very much. I have to say dont feel strong at the moment, each day is a struggle even though he still wants to give the relationship another try from the beginning as it were. I think it will be easier once he has the debt situation sorted out as this still worries me and Im sure now I know he is very worried about it and he is trying to do stuff about it. Just wish he had been honest in the first place and we could have maybe sorted something but still cant turn back time.

Im just hoping that by him moving out and us starting again as it were that it will give me a chance to learn to trust him again and be sure he wont do it again, but I guess only time will tell. And at least if it doesnt work out dd and I will have gotten used to living on our own and I will make sure we stay friends for dd but hopefully it wont turn out ot be the later.

How are things Foxy?

Hi Crazybit. Thank you for seeing how I am. We are not too bad. Dp and I are not living together but are dating as it were to see if we can make it work. We text and call and he pops over to see dd on days other than the days he has her etc. It is often me that texts first but he does soemtimes and he calls on his breaks at work etc.
On sunday we went out for tea with dd which was lovely. We had to leave him in the pub though and I got a bit frustrated as he has been out 6 or 7 times over the last 2 weeks( he was honest with me about each occasion) and I havent been out once. However we talked and he came over last night and watched a dvd, seeing dd before she went to bed. Which was nice. So I think it is just slow small steps and we will see. We have a long way to go and still dont know if we will work but I am determined to give it a 150% chance before I give in, as I really dont want that.

Again thank you for the post, have been meaning to update but as you can imagine it is all a bit manic here at the moment, back at work, helping dd get into her new routine on my work days etc.

Hi there,

Just bumping this up a little as hoping to get some advice off you lovely people.

Dp still hasnt got anywhere to live, he is still with his friends and I have housing benefit and tax credits sorted as a single person. Dp and I have been texting and calling regularly although often me apart from when he calls on his lunch break.
We have as last post said gone out for tea as a family, he came over to watch dvd and we went out last night. All of which were lovely although i was home alone last night as dd at her nans and dp went back to his friends to help them move their living room round but ended up playing golf on the xbox.

The advice I am after is I am swaying with the idea of asking him to move back in but am worried that it may happen again and that other issues wont get resolved but on the other hand I wonder if it would be easier to solve them under the same roof. (My dad I know would tell me I was insane). The thing is this has made me realise how much I love him.

Do you guys think it is too soon to ask him to come back (obviously I know I would have to recontact the benefits people)?

There would obviously have to be some agreed ground rules between us to make it work if he came back, eg, time to ourselves as we didnt really have that before, even if we just went out once a month as we used to just watch tv of an evening.

Bumping up.

Hi Foxy

I haven't commented before on your thread but thought I'd throw in my two cents for what it's worth.

I really think you'd be crazy to invite your partner back. He lied to you, and seems fairly relaxed about this. No begging for forgiveness. You asked him to continue in your relationship without living together and he seemed a bit uninterested but agreed (how big of him). He has made no suitable living arrangements for himself or found a suitable place for your daughter to visit him. You have sorted this out for him. He barely texts or rings and can't be bothered to change plans to see you.

He is putting in no effort whatsoever and simply sleeping at his friends house until you relent and let him home. He has made no serious apologies, is doing almost nothing about dealing with his debt or his living arrangements and yet you want to invite him home.

Honestly, what will you gain? Nothing. He isn't helping you, he isn't supporting you or your daughter. Frankly, he's doing nothing. He isn't doing you a favour being your partner. You are doing him a favour by not kicking his sorry arse to the kerb. How little effort would he have to make before you value yourself and concentrate solely on your own life?

If he comes back you will be saddled with his debt while he carries on as before. Is that what you want for you and your little girl?

If he is serious, he needs to start treating you well, making an effort to see and talk to you, handling his debt and his responsibilities and finding somewhere to live. What harm is there giving him six months and seeing how you feel then? You honestly have less than nothing to lose.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but I really do feel for you. Surely you deserve better than this.

Thank you for your reply. But have to disagree slightly, he is looking at proerties to live in but they are either not suitable or gone. His debt has gone, thanks to a generous family member.

However that said thank you for the reply. The plan originally was he finds a place to live, which would be a minumum of a year's tenancy, and we really work on things so they are good for when and if he comes back. As I have said to him if he comes home it has to be for good, not going through dd having to cope with him moving again.

For some reason though am thinking of waiving. Maybe it is cause I hate being here every night on my own. I dont know.

Dear Foxy

You obviously know a lot more about your situation than I do! I'm glad that he has had his debt wiped out (although you said he had lied about smaller debts numerous times, which hardly suggests that this is the last you will hear of his money worries).

I wish you nothing but the best but think that loneliness is not a good basis for a relationship. I think I'd want him to prove he'd changed his behaviour before I opened myself back up to him moving home again.

I wish you nothing but the best.

Thank you for the replies. I wasnt having a go.

If I am honest I think I know deep down the best thing to do is to stay as we are, with him at a friends till he finds somewhere. And see how we go, he is coming round Tuesday night, again my suggestion, however he chose the night.

He does phone me in his breaks at work, but usually it is me who texts first not in his breaks, not always. I guess I need to see if he will start inviting me out rather than me suggesting it, and how he will behave when he has a place of his own, as wont be too happy if I am in every night and he goes out all the time!!!
Also will give me a good chance to see how he copes with his money etc I guess.

I didn't think you were having a go! I think you're struggling with a tough situation and it's a lot easier for me to give advice than it would be for me to take it.

If your partner loves you, and you love him, having a few months not living together but being in a relationship shouldn't break you. It will give him chance to get his stuff sorted out, and you can get yourself together too. It can't be easy but you're doing really well.

Thank you familyguyfan.

I just hope we can work things out. I hated it last night when I dropped him back at his friends house and came home on my own. I know I cant take him back on that though.

On a plus note we have a few future pplans cause as I said to him no matter what happens I always want us to do things as a family for dd's sake. At the end of November I have taken a day off work so we can go to watch the local lights being switched on, we are also spending christmas with his Dad and stepmum.

My birthday is at the end of the month this month so will be interesting to see what he does with that.

We both also have a week off at the end of the month which was obviously booked before this all happened and it would be interesting to see what will happen then.

God so cant do it at the moment. Still really want to ask him to come back although deep down I know this could be a huge mistake but it may not. Have been trying to concentrate on my open uni course today that started at the weekend and all I have wanted to do all day is cry and still do, not that I can now as dd is home from school.

God, I love him so much and am finding this so hard.

Foxy, am on phone so difficult to reply. Hold strong. Has he stayed overnight yet? Maybe allow an overnight stay once a week. Is he aslong to come back? Is he regretful? Remember, it is for dd you aren't letting him back yet so as not to confuse her. Big hugs. Will try and get on comp later . :)

Thank you for the reply. I think he is regretful but he is hard to read like that. He would be allowed to come back if I contacted the tax credits, housing benefit etc and informed them.
He hasnt stayed over yet, did tell him he could on Saturday when dd was at nans overnight and we went out but he had to do something at his friends when he got back ( although it didnt happen).

I know it is for dd but she would be thrilled if he came back although to her it is not that different to before as some nights she went to bed and he was still at work anyway and some mornings he was gone before she got up.

Im just worried that I wouldnt trust him, he said his mum put some money in his account the other day but how do I know this is true.I think it is as she does do that sort of thing. I really want to trust him but something would have to be put in place so this didnt happen again as no way would I put dd though this again.
We also have little other issues that would need addressing. But these could be done by talking if he moved back in.

He is coming over to watch dvd tomorrow night and I would ask him to stay, he is having dd wednesday as I am at work anyway but am worried this will confuse dd.

I seem to be the one making most of the suggestions to get together eg dvds or evening out. However last weekend he had some money and did invite both of us out for tea, his suggestion, so hoping that this is all down to the fact he has no home or money at the moment.

I just know I hate it when I see him and he leaves and I know I love him deeply.

Ps if I dont reply for a while I have to go to a meeting at work.Need to go now and cook dd some tea.

So glad I have you guys to talk to, dont really have any friends in real life.

I just wish we could fast forward a few months and change a few things.

Well bacj from my meeting but have to say still feeling very emotional!!!

Bumping up.