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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

to ask dp to leave?

133 replies

Foxy800 · 11/09/2011 14:45

Please be gentle with me as I am so fed up right now. Dp has a;ways been a nightmare with money hense why he gives me what he needs to of his wages and with mine I sort out the bills etc.

Anyway today I find out yet again he has been lying to me. For the last two months he has told me he hasnt been paid when he is meant to off but then at the last minute he has. Today I found a bank statement and discovered this wasnt true ( had suspicions already) but I also discovered he owes the bamk well over £200 which we do not have. This is at least the 6th or 7th time this year alone he has lied to me about money.

I just feel I have had enough. All I got was you have been through my stuff and I lied cause I didnt want you having a go at me about it!!! (We already have debts but these are managable as they are budgetted into my outgoings each month.)

I just dont know what to do at the moment, am so angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxy800 · 12/09/2011 10:22

Hadnt thought of that cognito. will look into it.

OP posts:
jugglingwiththreeshoes · 12/09/2011 10:29

If it's mainly issues about money and debt then I would hope in most relationships there is hope that could be resolved. I agree it's worse he's not been honest with you, but he may have been scared about the repercussions/ what you would say/ been ashamed of the situation.
But only you know the state of your relationship in a wider sense.
Just think on MN people are quite quick to say "yes, leave him" and only you really know whether this relationship can be worked on or whether it's time to sadly move on. Best of luck whatever you decide.

Original poster
Foxy800 · 12/09/2011 10:37

Thanks jugglling. The thing is if this was the first time I would be more understanding but it has happened so many times since we got together. For example, when we first moved in together I found a credit card debt that was about to go to the debt collectors. I helped him sort this and gave him the benefit of the doubt seeing as he was used to being on his own. Then we were putting money away to pay back his stepmum which I found out he was helping himself too and all I got was its my money. We got through that but there have been since then lots of bank charges and this to me is just the final straw.

I just dont know what to do, so much going through my mind, how will I cope financially etc, dont even know if the doctors is the right thing to do but needed to do something and if possible need to not be worrying about work this week if at all possible so I can sort things out and make a decision. Dreading him coming home from work tonight.

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Original poster
Foxy800 · 12/09/2011 10:41

Dont get me wrong, I love my job so this isnt a case of me shying away from work. Its just I work 3 long days so wouldnt be able to sort things out after work or whilst there.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/09/2011 11:37

I think you're doing exactly the right things. I was in a relationship with very similar features once and it is very frustrating when you do things & make sacrifices in an effort to help them get back on their feet, only to find out they've been merrily spending (on what, they can't tell you) behind your back. If you're the sort that can only relax when living within your means, it's incredibly stressful when the other person in the relationship is running up debts. The lies and cover-ups are par for the course..... the one thing they can't stand is facing up to reality, because that would mean they had to change their behaviour.

You are coping financially in spite of all this and my feeling is that you would also cope financially if you were on your own. Your life would change a lot but I think you'd find independence highly motivating without someone else holding you back. You're clearly the resourceful, sensible one and I think you'd do far better without him than he would do without you. Just wanted to give you a word of reassurance on that score.

Original poster
Foxy800 · 12/09/2011 13:40

Thank you cogito. Have been to the gp and he has signed me off for this week which gives me breathing space to decide what to do. Have also been on the internet to see what I would be entitled to if we did split.

Had a chat on the phone with a good friend of mine as needed to talk to someone.(Unfortunately they not local so couldnt see them) and had a brief chat with my dad.

Plan of action for this afternoon before getting dd from school is to make 2 action plans. one for if he stays and one for if he goes. And any questions to ask him so we can talk later.

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jugglingwiththreeshoes · 12/09/2011 14:32

Well done for getting yourself a bit of breathing space this week. I think that's very wise. Hope things go OK this evening. What's your feeling about which way things might go? Do you know which questions you want to focus on ?

Original poster
Foxy800 · 12/09/2011 14:44

Not sure what to expect tonight. Not sure I want to talk tonight either. Would rather talk tomorrow when dd is at school. I just want the truth really, what debt is he in, what is he doing about it etc.

I think he knows Im upset, he always rings me on his lunch break and he hasnt today. I have had 1 text to ask how dd went into school today and that is it.

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jugglingwiththreeshoes · 12/09/2011 14:55

Oh yes Foxy - sounds like you've created a good space to talk with him tomorrow.

Original poster
Foxy800 · 12/09/2011 15:46

Thanks, he has plans for tomorrow but am going to ask him tonghit to change them, they are changeable, and talk when she is at school.Obviously will tell him i have got the week off, just means tonight playing the happy family scenerio when he gets home from work. But dont want to have it out with dd around. I also want to know more about this loan his stepmum mentioned.

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2blessed2bstressed · 13/09/2011 12:24

Hope your conversation today is going ok. It struck me later that perhaps although you'd paid off and cut up a credit card, unless the whole account was formally closed, then a new card would be sent out when the old one was expiring, and if your dp had a note of the card number, he could still use it online and over the phone to pay for things without physically having it in his possession.
Of course, this would just add to the duplicity...am sorry if this is, in fact, the scenario Sad

Original poster
Foxy800 · 13/09/2011 12:58

Well we have had a conversation and it is much worse than I thought. It is £15000 debt!!! When he told me this I had to go out as just couldnt beleive it!! Went to CAB while out though and am going back again on Thursday. He has moved out and is currently round a friends. Dd doesnt know yet as is at school.
He wants to collect her from school tomorrow and bring her back then we will tell her together.
He is also going to come Friday as he has day off work so we can talk about everything else.

Not sure how I feel at the moment.

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2blessed2bstressed · 13/09/2011 13:48

Bloody hell! I am Shock and Angry for you. How on earth has he managed to get into such a mess? And is any of it going to be something that you're going to be held responsible for?
I presume from what you've said about him moving out, that this is the end for your relationship? I'm sorry x

Original poster
Foxy800 · 13/09/2011 13:59

I havent signed for anything so shouldnt be held responsible apart from the loan and credit card in my name that are not apart of all this.

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jugglingwiththreeshoes · 13/09/2011 15:10

I'm sorry to hear that things are as bad as that. I'm sorry for what it means for you x Good luck as you and DD move forwards.

fedupofnamechanging · 13/09/2011 16:15

Shit Foxy, am really sorry it is so bad.

I am glad you had the conversation - it could have gotten much worse before you found out, so at least you are not in the dark any more. It's also good that none of this is in your name.

You don't say whose name the house in. If it is rented and in joint names, I'd get his name removed asap. You really don't want to have to deal with bailiffs turning up if some of his debts are passed to collection agencies. They have no right of entry without a court order (although they will pretend otherwise), but you shouldn't have to deal with all that if it arises.

I know you are gutted at the moment, but it really is the best thing that he's moved out. As you said, this is not the first time he's done this and he habitually lies to you. You and your child need security and stability and unless he sorts out his attitude to money, you will not be getting it from him. I'm particularly concerned that he was spending money you'd both saved to repay a loan and his view that it is his money. You can't help someone who won't help himself.

I hope you are okay - the shock of a £15,000 debt must be awful.

Original poster
Foxy800 · 13/09/2011 17:19

Thank you everyone. the house is rented and in both names. So will be onto housing association tomorrow when dd is at school.

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HansieMom · 14/09/2011 00:05

When you started this thread, I thought 200 pounds was not enough to get concerned about. You were right to be concerned.

Original poster
Foxy800 · 14/09/2011 07:42

Thank you for the reply. And to be honest I was worried and put the post on here asking the above question really just to get some advice, I was thinking it but more so as in we could probably work something although not happy abotu it, but when I found out how much it really was I just felt I didnt have any choice.

Still not sunk in yet, didnt sleep much last night but have to be strong for dd.

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Original poster
Foxy800 · 14/09/2011 08:17

It was also the fact he has done it before and not learnt from it that really upset me, in the beginning.

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Crazybit · 14/09/2011 09:03

Foxy-Sorry things are so rubbish. Is he sorry? It sounds as though he thinks you'll just keep taking shit and continue supporting him with no thought for how you feel or are affected. Do you know what the money has been spent on? It's a relief that you shouldn't be liable for the bulk of it but still crap that he has decieved you. Kind of two issues blurred into one-the crapness with money and the lying. Is he usually a decent honest thoughtful person?

Original poster
Foxy800 · 14/09/2011 09:14

Thank you. He has lied about money several times over the years. Guess the next couple of days will see if he is sorry or not while he is not here but Im not sure he is. And at the moment I dont think there is anyway back. If he has hidden this amount this time, even if he does sort it whats to say he wont do it again.

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Original poster
Foxy800 · 14/09/2011 17:25

God I feel like crap!!Just had to tell dd that Daddy and I were not living together anymore. After he left she said to me is it because I have been naughty, broke my heart.

On a plus side he is coming to the citizens advice with me tomorrow. I have an appointment with the council on friday too. And he is finally facing up to his debts. Just dont know if I can have him back now though. Dont know at all how I feel about it.

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RoyalWelsh · 14/09/2011 17:43

I just wanted to add my two cents worth, foxy. I think you have done the Right thing here, I honestly do. My mother has spent the last 25 years with my father who sounds very much like your DP. She had to remortgage the house three times and has an appalling credit rating thanks to him. Any money she ever had spare went on trying to clearhis debts and he never on e appreciated it, just kept running up more and denying it was a problem. She is 50 years old now and has finally had enough. Kicked him out (to cut a long story short) and is still fielding visits from bailiffs.

Well done for getting out. My advice now is to stay out.

northernruth · 14/09/2011 18:09

YANBU. if you love him and you are still prepared to leave him then it might be worth an ultimatum that you get sole control of the money or you are off.