Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

to ask dp to leave?

133 replies

Foxy800 · 11/09/2011 14:45

Please be gentle with me as I am so fed up right now. Dp has a;ways been a nightmare with money hense why he gives me what he needs to of his wages and with mine I sort out the bills etc.

Anyway today I find out yet again he has been lying to me. For the last two months he has told me he hasnt been paid when he is meant to off but then at the last minute he has. Today I found a bank statement and discovered this wasnt true ( had suspicions already) but I also discovered he owes the bamk well over £200 which we do not have. This is at least the 6th or 7th time this year alone he has lied to me about money.

I just feel I have had enough. All I got was you have been through my stuff and I lied cause I didnt want you having a go at me about it!!! (We already have debts but these are managable as they are budgetted into my outgoings each month.)

I just dont know what to do at the moment, am so angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxy800 · 11/09/2011 15:21

he has always been a nightmare with money and if he was left to pay half the bills from his account then we would be in huge debt as it wouldnt happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxy800 · 11/09/2011 15:25

Karma that is what I am worried about, I think he has been applying for loans and credit cards that I dont know about. Thankfully my bank accounts are in my name, my credit card and loan are in mine but are technically for both of us, not that he can access without me. So thankfully all of that is in my name, some of the bills are in both names but they are all up to date as I pay them.

He knows Im not happy as he usually comes in from work and sits in the chair watching tv, he is currently playing with dd.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 11/09/2011 15:25

Well, I think it comes down to a choice as to what you are prepared to put up with or not. sounds like you have the financial stuff covered, which is good.

Honesty is a big deal for me, but we all draw our own lines in the sand. I would say that if he knows you will tolerate this, then where is the incentive to change?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/09/2011 15:28

If you know he's a nightmare with money and he knows he's a nightmare with money .... and assuming you both want the marriage to survive .... you have to agree between you that he doesn't have access to money any more but that he gets an allowance out of his wages paid into his account. He won't know where the money has gone because people like that never do. He's lying because he's being a coward about accepting the problem and childish about his responsibilities. If your DH is usually trustworthy and a good person in other respects then it's worth tightening the reins, making it difficult for him to get hold of money and giving him another chance. If you're fed up with the whole thing and think you'd be better off solo... that's the way forward.

Original poster
Foxy800 · 11/09/2011 15:29

That is what I am thinking, he has never changed in the 7 yrs we have been together but then we have rowed and I have helped him sort it for dd's sake.

As awful as it will sound and I dont what it to sound like I am after his money as Im not, just want security for our dd for at least this month while I sorted things out, he gets paid in a few days and if I ask him to leave I dont want him to say fine you are not havign my wages as I will need them. then we will be in big trouble.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxy800 · 11/09/2011 15:32

Thanks cognito, the thing is it is usually all of his wages he ends up giving me as that is what is needed for the bills. If there is any left then of course he gets it but there is so rarely any so he is always going to be accessing money that isnt there.

The other thing is he is due to be paid in a few days and owes the bank over £200, if they take that out of his wages there isnt going to be enough for the bills.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxy800 · 11/09/2011 15:36

Thank you to everyone for the replies.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/09/2011 15:58

When it comes to the £200 at the bank, is it on an overdraft? He will be charged interest until is cleared but he doesn't have to pay it back 100% in one hit.... he could do it £20 or £50 a time until it's gone, for example. Again, someone that is not good with money is going to struggle to manage that so he'll need guiding by the nose by you.

Take any debit or cashpoint cards off him, obviously.

Original poster
Foxy800 · 11/09/2011 16:00

That is the trouble he wouldnt give me any of the cards if I asked him.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 11/09/2011 16:17

As you started with "please be gentle with me" my first piece of advice is to get this moved to the Relationships section. AIBU can get a bit fighty.

IMO someone who repeatedly lies about money (and who knows what else he is lying about) is not a good partner and not a good father either.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/09/2011 16:22

If he won't give you the cards then I think you're on a no-hoper. Because if he has cards he can spend and if his bank will let him go overdrawn then you can't control how much he spends. He has to go to a 'cash only' situation if he's to be trusted.

MrsGaff · 11/09/2011 16:39

It seems that you're more upset about the persistent lying and deceit, and I would be exactly the same. It wouldn't matter to me if he was lying about money, another woman, drinking, gambling, whatever. He has broken your trust - again.

Alongside the lies, I couldn't be with someone who was financially irresponsible.

I'd kick him out and go through the CSA for child maintenance, which I believe will be taken from his wages before he gets them. You may also be entitled to more child tax credits, help with rent, etc, as a single parent. I would never normally encourage splitting up for financial gain but in this case I make an exception, you might actually end up financially better off!

Leave him to get in as much of a financial mess as he likes, don't make it your concern.

salsmum · 11/09/2011 16:55

kmarie2011 I'm sorry I didnt make things clearer I am very much a 'glass half full person' but after 17years of trying to help him and 2 children (1 severely disabled) I was fed up with him burying his head in the sand and running away from responsibility, seeing bailiffs at my door, putting up with his shouting and bullying ways (not physical) whenever the subject of money came up and even nearly losing my home...and the lies associated with money there comes a point when you have to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!

Original poster
Foxy800 · 11/09/2011 17:39

Thanks trillian how do I move it?

MrsGaff I too am not one to say leave him to be a single mum for an easier live financially but have got to the point where I am not sure how to go on.

To top it we have just been to his Dad's where his stepmum said to him make sure you get that loan paid!!!Another thing I didnt know about!!! She tried to say it is the bank overdraft they are on about but there is no way he would tell them about that.

OP posts:
kmarie2011 · 11/09/2011 17:57

Oh I do totally understand that salsmum, I had an ex who was addicted to prescription painkillers (a lovely little factoid I didn't find out until AFTER I was pregnant with his kid, thinking we were getting married and all was rosey) and lied to me constantly. He tried to tell me I was just seeing things instead of admitting the truth, even about silly petty things like a piece of bacon. A few years and several tragedies later, I am still thankful to be rid of him, and I have learned my lesson.

I was not trying to say that Foxy800 should just "look at the bright side" and get over it or anything, I'm not one to put up with constant lying and immature behaviour either. But if he got help with managing his finances, perhaps via connexions or something like that, and was more secure and confident about his ability to act like an adult and manage his responsibilities, perhaps he would not lie so much because he would not feel so inadequate. Connexions is extremely useful, I reitterate.

You would have to understand the Law of Attraction (Law of Belief if you prefer) to understand why I said about the glass-half-full thing. Sorry if you thought I was being naive and just telling her to stop whining, I promise I wasn't. I just believe in using the power of love and positive thinking to change your life, because it has worked for me and prevented me from ending my life, among many other possible outcomes.

Best wishes.

Original poster
Foxy800 · 11/09/2011 18:02

Thank you, will definately look into it but have to say I dont think he will accept any help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxy800 · 11/09/2011 21:23

Kmarie2011, I have looked on the onnexions website but not sure if it is the right one. The one I have found is for young people and as I am over 30 I dont think I will qualify. please let me know if it is the wrong site.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 11/09/2011 23:03

are you sure he's still working? he's not been laid off or quit and taking out loans to cover his missing wages?

Crazybit · 11/09/2011 23:14

Foxy-Can you tell him to leave? Be really firm that you will no longer take this shit from him, they lying and deceit, but especially the worry that you must feel from not knowing what else he has done. If you kick him out it doesn't mean that his relationship with dd need be nefgatively affected. Or just the threat of you no longer putting up with this, seeing that you mean business may be enough for him to come clean and sort himself out..

FabbyChic · 11/09/2011 23:28

He is spending it on something, he doesnt go out, does he wear new clothes a lot? Is he paying for online porn? By looking at his bank statements you should be able to see where the money is going, it cant be going nowhere, two months wages gone and an overdraft!

Plus loans you don;t know about.

Do you really want to be with someone who lies, who leaves you in the shit financially, I know I wouldn't want to be with someone so fecklass and who shows no regard for responsibility.

Original poster
Foxy800 · 12/09/2011 07:31

He is definatley still working, it showed up his wages on the day they were meant to be being paid on last month. It does say loads of other things but it didnt make sense.

I havent told him to yet but am still seriously thinking about it. Barely spoke to him last night as was so angry.

I will need to sort quite a lot out though so am thinking of going to the gp, which I dont do lightly and asking them if I can be signed off for a week so I can sort everything out.

After that not sure where to start.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxy800 · 12/09/2011 08:18

Well doctors appointment made, dont know if that is the right move but dont know what else to do at the moment.

OP posts:
2blessed2bstressed · 12/09/2011 08:32

What about his bank statement didn't make sense? Maybe we can clarify for you, if there are specific codes or something that you don't understand.
I'm not normally one for the "leave the bastard" cry, but for me, the refusal to change, or allow you to help (by handing over bankcards etc), would be a deal breaker.

Original poster
Foxy800 · 12/09/2011 08:56

I think it is just the fact there are so many outgoings for it for the odd few pounds here and there and i think he is also paying for a credit card on it that we cut up when it was paid off and for loans. But not sure, all I have had from him is I lied cause i didnt want you to moan at me while I sorted out my money problems!!!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/09/2011 10:21

How about getting a copy of your credit rating report from something like Experian? If you sign up, get the report and then cancel your subscription it costs nothing. What it will show you is the credit history of everyone at your house, loan & HP applications, any overdue payments etc. It may be a way to answer your questions about what he owes to whom and also a way of confronting him and making him face up to the reality of the problem

Swipe left for the next trending thread