to ask dp to leave?

[Foxy800]

Please be gentle with me as I am so fed up right now. Dp has a;ways been a nightmare with money hense why he gives me what he needs to of his wages and with mine I sort out the bills etc.

Anyway today I find out yet again he has been lying to me. For the last two months he has told me he hasnt been paid when he is meant to off but then at the last minute he has. Today I found a bank statement and discovered this wasnt true ( had suspicions already) but I also discovered he owes the bamk well over £200 which we do not have. This is at least the 6th or 7th time this year alone he has lied to me about money.

I just feel I have had enough. All I got was you have been through my stuff and I lied cause I didnt want you having a go at me about it!!! (We already have debts but these are managable as they are budgetted into my outgoings each month.)

I just dont know what to do at the moment, am so angry.

Im just finding it so hard, if Im honest at the beginning of this I would of said I didnt love him but every time he pops round for something or texts etc as trying to help him with his debts I just am left wanting to cry.

I have an appointment with the council on friday but was wondering if anyone would be able to help me with a question. Dp is on the tenancy jointly with me, I have phoned them and they are sending me a form out to take him off, will they be able to process an application for housing and council tax benefit with him on it even though am going it alone as it were?

Thanks in advance.

That must have been very hard telling DD you weren't going to be living together with DH. But perhaps it's good in a way that she felt able to ask whether it was anything she'd done, and I'm sure you were able to reassure her on that. Better than her worrying about it on her own and shows you have a good relationship with DD.

Another good thing for him is he told me earlier he doesnt think the debts are as high as he thought they were.

Thanks, we told her together but she didnt really say much till he had gone. And bless her was on about it most of the evening and pretending to call him on her toy phone.

Am so worried at the moment, have done some rough calculations and if they work out to be what I am entitled to then we will be majorly short each month. Am going to call tax credits today, got a meeting with council tomorrow, will see if I can change any of the bills but am so worried that the council wont be able to do anything with his name on the tenancy still and tax credits take an age to sort out.

Also all his stuff still here so if they send soemone to visit then worried that will affect it too.

Not sure what to do about access either. Obviously I want him to have lots of access and he is picking her up on friday so I can go to the council as he has a day off work. But I would like him to have her tuesday, wendesday and thursday while I am working, and he is happy to do this but I said about overnight as I work long days but he doesnt think his stepmum will want that ( he will probably end up there as he is at a friends at the moment). He has suggested coming here during the day and leaving when I get home but not sure if I am happy with this as would mean him having a set of keys and not sure if I am ready for that yet. We meant to be chatting later and dont know what to suggest.

Havent sorted maintence yet either but obviously not expecting to get much due to debts.

Sorry to ramble but am so scared.

Lola, perhaps the CAB would be able to advise you and help you with applications for additional benefits. They will know all the things that you might not have considered applying for.

I think that maybe he will have to tell the council that he has moved out before his name can be removed from the tenancy, am not sure, but the council will be able to let you know. You will get housing benefit, council tax benefit if your income from work is low and tax credits will be topped up.

If he stayed and ended up in a bankruptcy situation, you would be a lot worse off financially than you will be as a single parent. I know people who've lived through it and it's awful.

The CSA may be able to get his maintenance taken at source from his wages or if it is not advisable to involve them, perhaps he could set up a standing order straight to your account. I believe maintenance is treated as a priority, legally, before repayments of debt.

I wouldn't give him a key to the house, but would let him have dd during the days you work and then collect her in the evening. Can you get childcare vouchers through work? Am not sure how that works, but it might be worth looking into.

Sorry things are so bad. Remember that all this will get ironed out in the end, even though it doesn't seem that way now x

I don't know why I called you lola. Sorry Foxy

If you give him the keys to the house, he can pick up any mail (like final demands and notices of bailiffs' visits) before you get home. You will not know if his mail is being redirected, you will not know if he has notified them of changed address.

Also, it gives him a really good opportunity to get back in without addressing the problem. If the problem can be dealt with, that's great, but if it can't it won't help you.

Have you checked out the MoneySavingExpert Forums? Lots of people on there have been in tough financial situations and some are really kind.

Good luck

Thats ok and thank you for the reply.

The Cab were useless, just told me to talk to who I already have but the appointment ws more to help him with the debt but the woman we saw was useless.

Have spoken to the housing association and they are sending out a form to get him to sign to take him off.

THat is what I want to do in regards to dd in the short term as he has no where to live, he is on a friends floor at the moment. But short of having her here there isnt anywhere for him to have her and that would involve a key. He could take her to his friends but dont think that is best for dd and dont think they would want that either. If he has dd then there is no need for childcare as I only work three days a week.

Have phoned tax credits and got a rough guide as to what I am entitled to and they are processing a new claim. Should hear in three weeks.
Got the council tomorrow and he is meant to be coming round tomorrow to talk and arrange things and maybe I can help him with the debts, not with money but physical help.

Sometimes with the CAB, the quality of advice varies according to who you talk to, but it seems you have the main stuff covered. Given his living situation it might be better for him to have dd at yours until he gets sorted, even though this comes with it own problems. I'd still look into childcare vouchers because you could get a child minder to have her on the days you work, which would mean him not having so much access to your home. Try not to get hostile with him until he's signed that paper taking his name off the lease. If he thinks he might have a way back in, he is more likely to be co operative now, when you need him to be.

Think is I dont want to be hostile with him, dispite what he may think I still love him (if Im honest didnt necessarliy realise this till all this happened as we were already a bit of a rut) and do want to help him. I just didnt feel I could risk dd's home with debt collectors turning up. And also whats to say if he sorts it out it wont happen again.

Dont know how it would work as it is a little way away but would love us to spend time all together at christmas for dd's sake, and trips out etc obviously in the future. Probably me day dreaming though.

Really concerned about access to house, Im not saying he will but seeing as he is in debt although not as bad as we first thought, I wont come home ot find things missing etc. I still have all his stuff here though as he has no where for it to go. But at the same time I really want him t osee dd nearly as much as he did before.

Sorry should say thing not think!!

Sorry wannabe didnt see your post earlier and that is exactly what I am worried about with him having keys.

If you think he may steal from you, then you can't let him have access to the house, which is a shame. So you will have to get alternative care set up until he gets somewhere else to live.

If Im honest that is just a small worry, its more a case of debt collectors turning up while he is here and Im not and him being able to prove he no longer lives here. The stealing was just the worst case scenerio.

I personally think going to his Dad's with her during the day is an option but it would mean a 30 minute walk to and from school, although there are buses but its having the money to get them and they are not regular. There are options there though, eg his dad isnt working at the moment so may be able to help with school runs but I just dont know.

Hard to arrange much on that front although needs to be sorted by next week when I have to go back to work, as although he has told his Mum he hasnt yet told his stepmum and dad. Says he wants to tell them at the weekend.

Could I ask you an honest question, do you think what I am hoping for at christmas etc is just a pipe dream. I seriously hope we can get on well enough for us to stay friends and do things together as a family. Cause its not just us I love his family to pieces.

I don't think it's a pipe dream and if you still like and care for him I don't see why you couldn't do it. If he is a nice person who just has real problems with money, then i also don't see why you couldn't continue to have a relationship, but just keep separate homes and finances as a safety measure for you and dd.

I was wondering that too, about staying in the relationship, dont know how he will feel about it but guess I can ask and find out if he feels the same. If not I really hope I can still be a part of family christmases and days out as a family.

Thing is I really felt like I wasnt in love with him any more, as I said been in a big rut for ages but didnt do anything about it, but this has hit me so hard that I have realised I do love him or at least think I do.

Sometimes I think that not living together is the best way to go for lots of people. You can have the best of each other and none of the crappy stuff or stress. Anyway, you have time, so you can see how it goes. Sometimes the real measure of a man is how he behaves when things are not all going his way, so see what happens.

That is true. If he is willing to give it a go at being in a relationship but not living together so therefore not paying the bills etc so everything else separate then maybe that is the way to go. At least that way dd and I are secure financially or at least hopefully will be and I can build my trust of him again. Will have to see how he feels about it. He may just want to say that enough is enough.

Whatever happens I really want to stay apart of his families lives and have christmas etc with them and him with mine if he wants to. But again that is up to him and his family I guess. Havent spoken to any of them yet as half of them dont know yet.

As much as I would like to give this a chance the first thing I need to do is finish sorting out finances for me and dd and working out access and maintence then see how everything else goes when we have a talk which I think is meant to be tomorrow.

Good luck. I hope it all works out the way you want it to.

Thank you Karma.

Well we had a chat today, and it looks like he is going to come heere in the mornings on my work days while I go to work but not give him a key then for the short term he is going to take dd to a friends till I get home and can collect her ( I will send tea with her).

In terms of us I have asked to go with him to tell his stepmum and dad on sunday. And I have told him we need to live separately and he needs to sort out his debts. I have explained to him that although we will not be in the same house I do love him (this has made me realise how much) and that I would like to see if we can have a relationship but NOT LIVING TOGETHER, certainly not in the near future so as not to affect dd any more than we have to., until we are 150% sure and I can trust him again.
also said I would really love to be a big part of family days out and christmas etc as I would love it and I think dd will benefit too.

So guess we willl just have to wait and see. Thanks to everyone for their support.

Glad it went well

Not 100% about him being in the house in the mornings but it would only be for an hour and he would have no keys so wouldnt be able to get in while Im at work and dd at school. Obviously would need to think about school holidays though but fingers crossed he will have somewhere to live by then)So will just have to see how it goes. Will just have to check with housing benefit people that it wont be a problem and that they dont think he is living here as it will be early in the morning eg 730am.

Just glad that he hasnt given up on me, he didnt seem very excited when I suggested to him living apart and starting our relationship again but he said yes and I think he is just worried about the debts now I know and he doesnt have to hide it and he is doing something about it. Will just have ot give it time and take things slowly as dd is still my priority. We have agreed to just tell her for the timebeing that Mummy and Daddy are still trying to work things out.