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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't think DH treats me right

255 replies

amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 22:17

He just told me to stop being a dck. As it happens, I wasn't being.
He also regularly tells me to "shut the f up", to shut my "f*ing trap", that I have various mental and physical illnesses (I have none - apart from the odd bout of depression).

He can be a great charmer to others, but is like Jekyll and Hyde and can switch in an instant to something quite nasty. Yet I don't think he is actually nasty deep down - he is absolutely great with the dcs (usually) - I just think he has some issues from childhood that seem to have worked themselves out like this.

He can be ok sometimes - it's not a constant torrent of abuse, but can be sometimes. He also regularly runs into trouble with others - eg being offensive, rude, argumentative and controlling.

I don't know what to do - I don't think I can leave as I think it would ruin the dcs much more than if I stayed.. I need a second (or more) opinion as to what to make of all this. It's been going on for a few years - since we got married - maybe just before. He was obviously on his best behaviour when we were dating.

OP posts:
PamBeesly · 08/09/2011 22:21

Hi amigoingmadhere its very clear that he is abusive and manipulative. Do you really think the DC's would be better off if you stayed and they got to witness this? Or they saw this behaviour and thought it was normal?
If it started after you got married or just before he sounds like he is jealous and very controlling, trying to put you down so you have no self confidence so you can't see him for the prat that he is. No wonder you feel depressed sometimes.

piratecat · 08/09/2011 22:24

a wolf in sheeps clothing? ( i have this book btw about controlling men)

sounds grim. maybe he has disguised something major.

craftyknickers · 08/09/2011 22:24

Hi, there are so many wonderful people on mn who will give you great advice. I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this.

My 2p worth is: you children will feel your anxiety when he is like that with you, they will grow up thinking it is right to be treated like that and that it is right to treat others like that so please please dont worry and stay because you think leaving will ruin your children.

I hope you get through this either way

AnyFucker · 08/09/2011 22:26

I completely agree with you

buzzsorekillington · 08/09/2011 22:27

He sounds like a classic emotional abuser: charming to others but a monster to you. He doesn't do it all the time, because no-one would ever put up with it - it's the glimpses of what could be that keep you hanging on.

If you're modelling a bad relationship to your children, you're actually doing them a huge disservice and setting them up for repeating this scenario in their own relationships. Don't know which you have, but would you want your dd to put up with things like this/or your ds to be like his dad to his wife?

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 22:29

It is just so difficult - there have been so so many times over the years that I have wanted to post on here but was scared of anyone finding out. Now it's like the last straw (although it actually isn;t as what happened just now was just ordinary banter for him - it gets a lot worse).

I just don't know - you read so many studies of kids being messed up because of divorce - and yet they'll be messed up because of this behaviour that they are witnessing. He is also very confusing with the dcs - eg, he'll (play)bite them and then tell them off when they bite. Or grab something away (in semi-jest) and then tell them it is wrong to do that. He is constantly tells them they'll go to prison for almost anything (can't think of an example, but something like, not brushing their teeth). But they absolutely adore him, they really do, and he adores them. I think he's just worng in the way he deals with them but truly cannot see this himself.

He also swears completely freely in front of them (they are quite young) and says all the abusive things to me in front of them.

He quite often says how stupid, idiotic, mad, dim etc. I am - when I have a first class degree, a v good job and am pretty capable at parenting etc. as well..

OP posts:
Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 22:31

dc1 has recently started saying to me "Mummy, when is Daddy happy with you?"

OP posts:
buzzsorekillington · 08/09/2011 22:32

Ami, he's an awful father.

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 22:34

DH also often accuses me of being angry and shouting - I am not an angry or shouty person at all generally (just with him!)- in fact throughout my life, including now, people comment on one of my main traits as being calm.

He says to dc1 - "DC!, isn't Mummy always shouting? Why is Mummy always angry?" - in a very horrible sing-song voice, just to get at me. Luckily DC1 said last time, "No Daddy, she is never angry - only with you."

OP posts:
buzzsorekillington · 08/09/2011 22:34

Of course they love him, it doesn't mean he's any good for them.

PamBeesly · 08/09/2011 22:35

OP he isn't a good father doing that, he is a complete control freak. I used to wish my parents would break up, I used to sit on my bed and listen to my father abusing my mother and pray that they'd break up and I could move out and live with my mother, I still hope they break up, its not healthy for the DC's to listen to that.
You probably have had your confidence knocked to zero too by him. What he is doing is abusive, you and the DC's shouldn't have to endure that.
Your thread is called I don't think my DH treats me right, well he definitely doesn't. I don't think he treats the children right either, he 'play' bites them? There is a fine line and it'll be a matter of time before he crosses it from the sounds of him.

BobblyGussets · 08/09/2011 22:36

My sympathies OP. I don't think this is good for you.

Dads are there to say to DC's things like "don't speak to your Mother like that".
Does that seem like a polar opposite of what is going on in your house?

How would you feel if one of your DC's turned and said to you, "shut your f**king trap?". Having just typed that I feel horrible, so it must be awful for you to hear it.

I know my father can be EA to my Mum and when it has happened in front of me, (as an adult), I brought on world war three with him. I do remember the tensions as a child.

You don't deserve this and are going to be breaking your heart inside (because you will want to prevent your children from knowing of your pain) if you stay.

Do you tell him not to talk to you like this? How does he then react?

blackeyedsusan · 08/09/2011 22:36

...and i agree with anyfucker.... again

what are you going to do about it? you know it is a lot nicer not having to live with it. sometimes it is better for the children for parents to separate than staying together. witnessing emotional abuse like this is not good for them.

in fact it is fantastic not to have to live with it, though there are the usual single parent issues..but it is still fantstic not to have to live in an atmosphere.

buzzsorekillington · 08/09/2011 22:37

So he's gaslighting too.

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 22:37

What should I do? My mum knows about all of this - as does his, although his mother worships the ground he walks on.

My mum thinks that divorce would be worse for everyone.
His mum I think puts her head in the sand - it's like she hears what I'm saying but either doesn't quite believe it or just tries to not think about it. I'm sure she probably thinks I'm a bad wife because I don't pander to his every need like she does (having said that she is very lovely, kind and generous- she just adores her son to the extent of not seeing the situation clearly).

OP posts:
PamBeesly · 08/09/2011 22:37

He undermines all your achievements and your parenting, classic abuser, he wants to knock you so low you'll never leave.
You must know this situation is very unhealthy for you and the DC's especially since DC1 has already commented on it. How unfortunate for them, turn it around OP, its your life and theirs, don't let him piss all over it any longer.
Do you ever confront him about his behaviour?

AnyFucker · 08/09/2011 22:37

< racks brains as to where to start >

< gives up and rocks in corner >

OP, anybody who playbites your children and threatens them with prison should be shown the door and never allowed to walk through it again

and any woman who prioritises a relationship with such a man over her children is colluding in their abuse

AnyFucker · 08/09/2011 22:40

what terrible examples of women you have around you, OP

no wonder you are colluding with someone who abuses your children

PamBeesly · 08/09/2011 22:40

Nobody has to live that life except you OP so no one is allowed an opinion except you. Do you want a divorce or do you want to remain in the same situation? I hope you don't think I'm being harsh on you, your probably so tired of him talking down to you. I just think these things are all so clear and you are obviously a bright person, probably nervous and afraid. Don't be, he is the cause of the nervousness. Never mind his mother, your mother or anyone else, its you and your DC's that have to go through it.

buzzsorekillington · 08/09/2011 22:40

Stop listening to your mother. Divorce is a shitload better for both you and the children than being (and watching) abuse.

blackeyedsusan · 08/09/2011 22:43

oh and reading some of your next posts, he is not a fantastic dad. children need security. they need boundaries. they need consistency. they need calm.

the children are going to be affected by his behviour if you stay. if you leave, they will be affected too, not by you, but by his ctions causing you to leve. they need to know that it is ok to get out of these situations, they need to know that you don't put up with this kind of thing.

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 22:45

What does gaslighting mean?

Bobbly - yes, of course I tell him not to talk to me like that. Here's an example of a recent conversation we had in the car, with the dcs in the back and listening:

Me: (sorry - can't remember what I said but I'm sure something pretty ordinary)
DH: shut the fk up
Me: Excuse me??
DH: what part of shut the fk up don't you understand?
Me: Please don't speak to me like that.
DH: Just shut your trap.
etc.

I have had many serious conversations with him about all of this - often leaving it until a time we are both relaxed and not arguing, so that we can discuss rationally. ie, I have said - I really do not like the way you constantly put me down, constantly swear, emotionally and sometimes physically abuse me (eg pushing me to the ground) - it is not right and I cannot stay married to someone who treats me this way. I am intelligent and calm and get on well with everyone - I have a good job and am a good parent and have lovely friends. I do fine in life. I do not deserve to be treated with disrespect and neither to the dcs deserve it.
His reaction is usually complete denial or a refusal to discuss.

He thinks he's cool like in a gansta movie or something..

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 08/09/2011 22:45

af don't give up, the drip drip drip on countless threads works for some in the end you know...

solidgoldbrass · 08/09/2011 22:47

When the children say they love him, they do love him but what they mean is they are desperate to please him and for him to love them and stop bullying them - and you.
He'sa piece of shit. Have a chat with WA for advice on getting out of this toxic relationship and ignore anyone who says that you should 'work at the marriage.' What they mean is 'WOmen exist to obey and serve men, suck it up and smile'[. THis is bullshit. Children are harmed far more by living with a manipulative selfish prick than by living with a single mother.

buzzsorekillington · 08/09/2011 22:49

Gaslighting is basically screwing with your mind, denying things that were done or said, pretending events didn't happen or that they happened differently, ascribing emotions/behaviours to you that you didn't have.

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