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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't think DH treats me right

255 replies

amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 22:17

He just told me to stop being a dck. As it happens, I wasn't being.
He also regularly tells me to "shut the f up", to shut my "f*ing trap", that I have various mental and physical illnesses (I have none - apart from the odd bout of depression).

He can be a great charmer to others, but is like Jekyll and Hyde and can switch in an instant to something quite nasty. Yet I don't think he is actually nasty deep down - he is absolutely great with the dcs (usually) - I just think he has some issues from childhood that seem to have worked themselves out like this.

He can be ok sometimes - it's not a constant torrent of abuse, but can be sometimes. He also regularly runs into trouble with others - eg being offensive, rude, argumentative and controlling.

I don't know what to do - I don't think I can leave as I think it would ruin the dcs much more than if I stayed.. I need a second (or more) opinion as to what to make of all this. It's been going on for a few years - since we got married - maybe just before. He was obviously on his best behaviour when we were dating.

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 08/09/2011 23:07

h went through a dv programme for 6 months, whilst I stayed... he chose not to implemant it when he was getting angry.

staying would wreck their lives more. they are going to think it is normal and your dd may find herself in a relationship that is abusive. it also makes children more prone to sexual advance as they are used to complying with adults and never saying no in case it upsets them.

seeing their mother get killed would wreck their lives. what if he pushed you down the stairs?

buzzsorekillington · 08/09/2011 23:08

Divorce is always a better outcome than living in an abusive environment. A single parent can provide a great life to her children. Your children will not thank you for years watching you degraded.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2011 23:09

I grew up in a childhood home like this

my sympathies are with your children

you have a choice

they do not

it's quite black and white when you look at it like that

everything else is your fear and shame

they are human emotions that can be overcome if you really wanted to

my mother didn't want to enough, she wanted to stay with my father more

he still abuses her, btw

ike1 · 08/09/2011 23:09

I will not lie, being a lone parent is very hard and at times lonely. But it will not damage your kids. Full stop

ShirleyKnotFrotGrot · 08/09/2011 23:11

7 replies I wrote.

7 I rejected.

Get. Your. Kids. Out. Now. Seems the most fitting.

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:12

I think part of the problem is that, nasty though he can be, as I said earlier - weirdly enough, I honestly think he doesn't mean to be. He just seems to mess up along the way. He can be a great friend, can be generous charitably, can be lovely with the dcs - but it's like he has a split personality which is so embedded in him that he can't see it -and therefore has no incentive to change. But I don't think he is a bad person - just severely misguided / has a warped way of seeing the world. Does that make sense? That's not to say it excuses his actions - it doesn't in the slightest - but I know for a fact it would literally devastate him if we left. And I do take that into account as he is not a bad person - he just acts like one.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/09/2011 23:13

OP, can I suggest you stop reading "horror stories" about the effect of divorce on children

your time would be better spent researching how living in a home where their mother is abused fucks up children's lives

you are rationalizing and justifying staying with him

your children will suffer for that mindset

craftyknickers · 08/09/2011 23:14

does he tell his mum to shut the f**k up? does he tell your neighbour to shut their trap?

If the answer is no then he knows exactly what he is doing but in order to keep controlling you he needs to make you think he has no idea what he is doing.

blackeyedsusan · 08/09/2011 23:14

fro me it was getting thumped in the head again, whilst he was driving the car. it had been coming on for ages though. it begins to dawn on you bit by bit. you begin to realise this is affecting the children. you begin to awake from your stupour that this is normal and he will change if I am nicer. you have to work through these things yourself and see that you need to leave. somepeople do it quickly, others take time for the realisation to dawn.

you live in fear. the fear of living with him and the fear of the unknown. eventually, the fearrr of the unknown gets smaller as you get info and you realise you can do it. livivng with abuse saps your confidence.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2011 23:15

of course he is a bad person

if he wasn't, he would act like a good one

RumourOfAHurricane · 08/09/2011 23:15

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RumourOfAHurricane · 08/09/2011 23:17

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Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:17

Can I also emphasise again - I am not prioritising my relationship with him - we do not have a good relationship and have not really had one since we got married. I can't respect or love a person like this. We seem to have ended up here somehow because I didn't have the strength to leave / he temporarily improved / I was scared / I had the dcs / etc.

Bear in mind that it's not just now that I think I won;t cope - waht about the dcs for years ahead of us with a mother who is not coping. Sometimes I can be strong but sometimes I am weak and I worry about that.

OP posts:
buzzsorekillington · 08/09/2011 23:17

It doesn't matter WHY he does what he does. It doesn't matter if he loves you all underneath everything. What he is actually doing to you all is incredibly destructive and he can't or won't control it. Actions matter more than intentions or words.

You can't live on dreams of what could be but isn't - he is tearing you down to nothing and his cruelty hurts not just you but the children he claims to adore.

blackeyedsusan · 08/09/2011 23:19

it would serrve him bloody right if you left. (oh how I have changed since last year)

there was a thread here recently that had a link to lundy bancroft about the effects on children.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2011 23:19

What do you want me to say then ?

if you aren't prioritising your relationship

and you aren't prioritising your children (the thread is pretty unanimous on that)

what/who are you prioritising ?

craftyknickers · 08/09/2011 23:20

if you left you would surprise yourlself just how strong you can be.

Your kids will keep you strong, you will be able to hold your head up high and say i left to give them a good life. There is nothing better than that.

RumourOfAHurricane · 08/09/2011 23:20

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buzzsorekillington · 08/09/2011 23:21

You would cope. You would do it for your children. You are stronger and more capable than he has trained you to believe.

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:21

I think part of it is that although I know some divorced people and single parents, the vast majority of my friends / circles etc. are pretty stable families. So I don;t see it practically working (or not working) - it is an unknown to me - I know that must sound ridiculous but it's true.

And yes, fear plays a great part in my life and I fear the unknown. Maybe to the extent that it is that that will mess up the dcs.

OP posts:
MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 08/09/2011 23:22

Re the temporarily improving thing and being lovely some of the time - read up on the cycle of abuse. This is very common I believe, if he was always "nasty DH" you would have left long ago and he knows it. So after every bit of nasty you get a bit more nice to keep you engaged and make you doubt yourself... trouble is it is a downward spiral, the "nasty" bits will get worse and worse over time because he has seen that he can get away with it and you will take it.

RumourOfAHurricane · 08/09/2011 23:22

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blackeyedsusan · 08/09/2011 23:22

you have to ralise it is not going to get better. the longer you stay the worse the effects on your children. AND YOU WILL COPE. i did not think I would cope. i am. (just) but I am bloody coping (hides thread about washing machine) and it is better for tha children. they could have ended up without a mother.

PamBeesly · 08/09/2011 23:23

craftknickers is right, 'Your kids will keep you strong, you will be able to hold your head up high and say i left to give them a good life. There is nothing better than that'
I wouldn't even be considering if he is a good person on the inside, he is a terrible husband and father on the outside, think of it like this, if he really is a good person, why is he witholding that goodness from you and DC's?

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:24

can I jsut say that although you say I am not prioritising the dcs (and maybe you are right - I just can't see things clearly) - they are both lovely, sweet, sensitive and well-behaved kids (generally speaking!)

OP posts: