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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't think DH treats me right

255 replies

amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 22:17

He just told me to stop being a dck. As it happens, I wasn't being.
He also regularly tells me to "shut the f up", to shut my "f*ing trap", that I have various mental and physical illnesses (I have none - apart from the odd bout of depression).

He can be a great charmer to others, but is like Jekyll and Hyde and can switch in an instant to something quite nasty. Yet I don't think he is actually nasty deep down - he is absolutely great with the dcs (usually) - I just think he has some issues from childhood that seem to have worked themselves out like this.

He can be ok sometimes - it's not a constant torrent of abuse, but can be sometimes. He also regularly runs into trouble with others - eg being offensive, rude, argumentative and controlling.

I don't know what to do - I don't think I can leave as I think it would ruin the dcs much more than if I stayed.. I need a second (or more) opinion as to what to make of all this. It's been going on for a few years - since we got married - maybe just before. He was obviously on his best behaviour when we were dating.

OP posts:
Fontsnob · 08/09/2011 23:24

You think you won't cope because he has destroyed you sense of self and your confidence. Your children will not thank you for staying. Part of parenting is showing kids how relationships work, you are showing them that it is okay to abuse and be abused. I have never said this before but you seem in such denial. You need to leave him. Your kids need you to leave him, you will all survive divorce, you may not all survive your marriage.

craftyknickers · 08/09/2011 23:24

please please listen to everyone, it gets worse. what starts as verbal turns to physical, even sexual! It will not get better but it is more than likely going to get worse.

Your and your children's safety is in jepordy. As for the fear of the unknown call WA and they will help with the financial and legal stuff.

blackeyedsusan · 08/09/2011 23:24

realise Blush

AnyFucker · 08/09/2011 23:25

how old are your children ?

babyhammock · 08/09/2011 23:26

amigoingmadhere
You think you're not as fun or adventerous... I think he's knocked it out of you. When you leave, you will want to do those things that you don't have the energy for at the moment because you won't having him dragging you down all the time.
Children that witness abuse display the same symptoms as children who are actually abused directly. He is not a loving father at all.

You want to believe he doesn't know what he's doing and that he is actually a good person deep down. Try the opposite. He know's what he's doing and doesn't care and the abusive arsehole is who he really is.

You need an escape plan I think, where you keep your job. There is always a way x

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:26

shineon - I think what I'm trying to say is that although I think many many single parents to a fantastic job, I am not sure that I (knowing myself as a person) would do a good job. I just don;t know if I would be a good single parent (bearing in mind all the drudgery, illnesses, boredom, frustration, lonliness) - maybe I would have some sort of breakdown and where would that leave anyone??

OP posts:
craftyknickers · 08/09/2011 23:27

I was a lovely, sweet, intelligent child. i witnessed some terrible things.

it didnt effect me immediatley but because of it i then let a man verbally, physically and sexually assault me. I had broken bones and was put in hospital twice.

I was in denial, i made excuses because he was nice to everyone else.

You may not think its effecting them now but it will!!

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:27

dcs are 1 and 3

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/09/2011 23:27

he is already abusing the dc

he is playbiting them and verbally mistreating them

I call that direct abuse

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 08/09/2011 23:28

As SGB has said, When the children say they love him, they do love him but what they mean is they are desperate to please him and for him to love them and stop bullying them - and you.

You're right in saying that you won't cope alone - you'll EXCEL ON YOUR OWN without living in fear of constant verbal, emotional, and occasional (which will inevitably become regular) physical abuse.

Get him out of the marital home and watch your dcs flourish and grow straight and true once his malevolent presence no longer taints the atmosphere.

And don't be tempted to listen to his pleas and promises - unless he has a brain transplant, he'll never change.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2011 23:29

it's not too late, OP, to save your children from a life like this

I thought you must mean they were at least school age

after a couple of days they won't even ask where he is

seriously

RumourOfAHurricane · 08/09/2011 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

blackeyedsusan · 08/09/2011 23:29

af is black and white because she sees it from the outside, and has lived it as a child. it has crept up on you, getting a little bit worse and a little bit worse and you don't notice it and the good times make you forget and you hope that it isn't going to get better. it is only when you read how shocked other people are about his behaviour, or yourr gp tells you to leave him, or something else for the outside begins to show you that it is not right that you start to escape.

hope you escape.

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:30

thanks babyhammock but I really don;t think I could keep my job - it is v full time high-level city work - I would eventually get sacked for not putting enough time or focus into it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/09/2011 23:31

I feel terribly upset at the prematurely mature things your 3yo is saying

no 3yo should have those thoughts in his/her head

it should be about fairies/stories/playing/laughing

not worrying about mummy

PamBeesly · 08/09/2011 23:31

Bearing in mind all the drudgery,illnesses,boredom,frustration and loneliness???? What about what you and your childrem put up with now? Your opinion of lone parenthood isn't correct, if thats what you were referring too. You really need to start having some self belief AND accepting your DC's will be damaged and sad about having to live with an abuser. You will do well, there is lots of support, your friends WILL be there for you if they're real friends. Trust yourself to be a brilliant mother

maristella · 08/09/2011 23:31

ami how would you feel if your DC's were to feel as unhappy in their adult relationships as you do right now? The longer you are this unhappy, the more likely they will be. Right now your relationship is their 'normal', it's how relationships work.

If you want them to be happy as adults you have to show them how, and change their definition of relationships (not just with partners but with yourself too)

You'll probably find that without nasty knocks to your confidence you will be fine driving, and at coping with everything else life throws at you.

The first day after I got rid of DS' father was our first day of being really happy :)

Fontsnob · 08/09/2011 23:31

You don't know if you'd be a good single parent, so what is the actual alternative?

blackeyedsusan · 08/09/2011 23:33

Look, it is bloody dull sometimes. And sometimes I take them out. Sometimes I cant be arsed. Sometimes i lie on my sofa and let them get on with it. Sometimes we go for long walks with our puppy and pick blackberries, sometimes i lie in the bath, lock the door and ignore them. Sometimes we go to theme parks. Sometimes we make stuff.

that is so true ...

You will cope. I did not think i would cope but i am.

normaleggy · 08/09/2011 23:33

Ami, you could be me. I left my husband a few weeks ago because I got so sick of him constantly speaking to me like I was shit on his shoe (there were other issues but this one has been constant throughout our relationship). He would flare up at me in front of our kids and friends, and I just thought enough is enough. It's an incredibly hard thing to do, but I do believe it is the right thing for me and my DCs. And yes they love their Daddy too, but since moving out, they haven't actually asked for him once. Your kids will be fine as long as they have a happy mummy.

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 08/09/2011 23:33

balckeyedsusan - my gp was already in shock a while ago about something dh said to me that I repeated to the gp (was related to something medical) - didn;t tell me to leave but did look visibly shocked.

I feel like it would be an earthquake in everyone's lives. I don;t think I know another single parent.

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 08/09/2011 23:34

I just don;t know if I would be a good single parent (bearing in mind all the drudgery, illnesses, boredom, frustration, lonliness)

So your OH shares all of the domestic chores, acts as nurse whenever, relieves your boredom and frustration, and makes you feel wanted and needed and part of a united couple?

Funny that hasn't come across from your posts so far.

Fontsnob · 08/09/2011 23:34

What is your alternative to not leaving Ami? Crafty knickers has given you one possibility.

blackeyedsusan · 08/09/2011 23:35

and there is less work to do with one less adult, who did not do a lot anyway. you may find friends/relis help a bit more because you are a single pareent, rather than them thinking that you have help at home..

craftyknickers · 08/09/2011 23:36

yes it would be a big change but they are young enough to not have it effect them. as they get older they will have never remembered you being together.

a bigger earthquake would be you being hurt and your kids witnessing that. Something like that will not go away and could be their very first memory as a child!

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