I don't think DH treats me right

[amigoingmadhere]

He just told me to stop being a dck. As it happens, I wasn't being.
He also regularly tells me to "shut the f up", to shut my "f*ing trap", that I have various mental and physical illnesses (I have none - apart from the odd bout of depression).

He can be a great charmer to others, but is like Jekyll and Hyde and can switch in an instant to something quite nasty. Yet I don't think he is actually nasty deep down - he is absolutely great with the dcs (usually) - I just think he has some issues from childhood that seem to have worked themselves out like this.

He can be ok sometimes - it's not a constant torrent of abuse, but can be sometimes. He also regularly runs into trouble with others - eg being offensive, rude, argumentative and controlling.

I don't know what to do - I don't think I can leave as I think it would ruin the dcs much more than if I stayed.. I need a second (or more) opinion as to what to make of all this. It's been going on for a few years - since we got married - maybe just before. He was obviously on his best behaviour when we were dating.

How do you think you could get rid of your fears then OP?
I think people are reacting badly because they are distressed at the thought of tiny children being abused by their father (because that is what is happening here)
Therefore our natural reaction is 'Get them out of there as soon as possible'
Your fears will not go while you are with this man, he is the cause of your fear because he has conditioned you into thinking you could not cope alone.

You are clearly a highly intelligent, competent woman, you would cope alone, phobia or no phobia. Which as BabyHammock says, I will bet has gotten worse since you got with your husband.

I feel like such a passive useless piece of . How could I let this happen?

I think MilkandWine speaks a lot of sense, take stock of what she is saying.

You are not a passive piece of * just low self esteem and confidence. Please try and get help you are not weak for asking for advice.

Great post Kitty
and a great example of how being in an abusive relationship can have such a detrimental effect on your health, career everything.

Jeeze it must be so much to take in and you've really got everyone going. But we're all on the outside looking in which is much clearer. You're in the midst of it and exhausted and trying to justify things, which is typical.

But you really do need to get you and the LOs out of this situation.

Thanks babyhammock, good advice too.

Do you know what the sad thing is? I met DH and spent the entirety of our dating and engagement on antidepressants (was all pretty quick). I stopped the ADs around the time of our wedding as I said that I would. It was all downhill from there - not because of the ADs, but because I think I wasn't seeing things clearly when I was on them. I think it was only a year or two.

I don't know how to get rid of my fears. I suppose the two options are:
A - get therapy / counselling
or B - just take a deep breath, ignore the fears, and leave.
If B - as said above, it won't be immediate, as there are a lot of things to plan. How do I even do that?

Oh my, were you ready to give them up? Sometimes coming off of anti-depressants rapidly can have a detrimental effect. It is a slow case of weaning off of them. Get out now. Sort your self out. If there is a chance that you are still depressed, it may cloud your judgement as well again, your confidence and self worth don't half take a bashing with depression.

it is v full time high-level city work for which you are no doubt well renumerated and can afford equally high level childcare in the form of a full-time nanny.

Whatever your phobia may be, as you have stated that it does not impinge on your working life I am disinclined to believe that it will adversely impinge on your life if you become a single parent.

However, I suspect that if you continue to live with the level of toxicity you have described, any phobia you have will worsen and may be joined by others.

No-one's expecting you to pack the abusive twat's bags and put him on the street tonight, but it is in your interests to ensure that he goes as soon as is practically possible.

As you're working in the City it shouldn't be too difficult for you to pay a visit to a solicitor near to your place of work. Seek personal recommendation from your colleagues - tell them you're are asking on behalf of a friend.

You are not a passive piece of OP. I'm sorry if anyone on here has made you feel worse. I'm sure it was not the intention, it is just a very emotive subject for many.

You have been beaten down by this man's abuse and it has f**ked with your head until you don't know which way is up. Please try and remember these points though.

*Your husband is not a good person, a good person would not behave as he does. Yes he may have times were he is 'nice' but that is because nobody is 100% bad, hell even Hitler loved animals! He is NOT a good man.

*You and your children do not deserve to be treated this way. This man will destroy you all if you stay.

*You can leave and be successful on your own, It is this man's hideous behaviour that has made you think otherwise. But your fear is not based on fact, rather on what he has told you (which isin't true)

Imagine you and your lovely DCs in your own home, free of abuse. You will never be told to 'Shut the fuck up again', your poor children will never have the man who is supposed to love them play biting them (and worse as they get older no doubt) Focus on the positives, not on things like having no help at bath times. That is simply not a good enough reason to stay.

Also ADs or not you probably wouldn't have realised what a bastard your husband was anyway, especially if it was a short engagement. Men like him usually hide thier true colours until afterwards.

Have you got close friends to confide in, some one who could help you sort things out? If not, as you are on the web, there are organisations that can help you with this.

It was several years ago - I don't think I'll ever truly be free of depression - it has come and gone for many years. That was one of the things that drew me to DH - he didn't seem like that at all and was a breath of fresh air - so fun! so charming! such a good friend! hmmm.

That's part of it - it is better for the dcs to be just with a mother who has a tendency towards depression?

I have sort of told close friends (not in detail but on a couple of occasions where I had had a bad time.) They also told me to get out but it's always simpler from the outside looking in isn't it. My best friends live abroad now. I have lots of friends but I'm not sure I could confide in any of them (other than the abroad ones) as they are all so happily married and busy with their young dcs. Having said that, there might be one..

I don't know how to get rid of my fears. I suppose the two options are:
A - get therapy / counselling
or B - just take a deep breath, ignore the fears, and leave.
If B - as said above, it won't be immediate, as there are a lot of things to plan. How do I even do that?

OK deep breath.. think of how ideally you would like it to be with just you and your DCs. Where would you like to live/go. Things you will all do together. Being free of abuse. What job you would do, hours etc.
Get a picture in your head, think about it, dream it, imagine you are living it. Then through all the crap that you will get when you try and leave, never lose sight of it.

That is how plans are made. You work out what you want, then you work how to get it x

Depression can be helped. Lots and lots of mothers are depressed but it is seeking help for the depression and tackling it that is the key. The senario at home is a lot worse for your children than being with a mother prone to bouts of depression. As you say, you work in the City (good for you) and you seem like an intelligent woman so you are probably aware that the answer does lie in getting rid of this man. It is scary but I'm sure once you have set you mind to it, then you will sort it out and make a better future for your self and your little ones.

Yes it is better for them because staying with this man will make your depression worse, therefore adversely affecting them. Although probably not as badly as having an abusive father will.

You can go to your GP s and be prescribed the appropriate medication if you feel you need it, there is no shame in that.

I suffer depression as well so I empathise hugely but it is NOT a valid enough reason to stay with this man.

Also I am not at all surprised to hear how charming he was when you first met. Classic abuser pattern, reel them in and then destroy them.

You know what you need to do deep down OP. It is just finding the strength to do it.

Good luck to you, I know once you can take stock and get the ball rolling, you, like my friend will discover the strength to make the break and provide the life both you and your little ones deserve. The best of luck to youx

Here is what complicates matters further in my mind (I am not saying that this will stop me from leaving - it's just complicated and scary):

if I think of friends/family/role models - (I am thinking of particular people here, but again, do not want to give too much away) - those that are divorced are kind of failures in a way - families did not work out, not too successful in jobs etc., whereas those that stayed with partners seem to be happy, fulfilled and successful. I know this will not make sense to you but it does to me as I am thinking of specific examples here. that;s not to say right or wrong - it just makes me scared that my whole life and the dcs lives will be a failure now. You will say that is rubbish - I do too - I'm just thinking aloud here. sorry.

Thank you Kitty, Milka and everyone else.

you can go to sleep now! i will pick this up another time.

In your particular case, given your inclination to over-analyse, I would recommend the 'feel the fear and do it anyway' approach as you will get an adenaline rush that will carry you through any temporary anxiety.

Start by seeing a solicitor to ascertain what you can reasonably expect in terms of division of assets, financial settlement, maintenance etc, and discuss filing for divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour - as garlic classically remarked on an earlier thread, "any old behaviour will do" but you've got a weath of unreasonable and unacceptable behaviour to call on.

I think you'll find relating the history of your marriage to a solicitor therapeutic and when that professional tells you (as they will) that you have bona fide grounds for divorce, your confidence will rise.

Once you put one foot firmly on the path to freedom, the other will follow and soon you'll be running towards the future. If you find yourself at all hesitant, remember that you are not just doing this for yourself - you also are doing it for the sake of your precious little dcs.

and babyhammock

thanks izzywhizzy - that is good advice - I think I will do that.

Better to try and fail than never to try at all.

The true failures in life are those who compromise their integrity by living a lie and those who make excuses for their failure to avail themselves of all of the riches that life has to offer.

Thinking about it, I think my family would rally round and help me generally as they see what he's like and do not like it one bit either.